Husband left me due to his mental health

[Woos0093]

I’m looking for advice, me and my husband have a 3 month old baby and last week he decided to leave me. He’s saying nothings my fault and he just wants to be alone because he is in a black hole. He’s saying he’s no good for me and has failed us, and can’t be in a relationship because he can’t love or be loved right now. I’ve tried to be supportive and stand by him but he keeps pushing me away and keeps saying he needs to be alone but still wants to help in anyway he can with the baby. Alone for how long? Do I wait for him? Do I continue offering my support when he clearly doesn’t want it? I can’t see my life without him and it’s killing me and I don’t know what to do.

Sorry OP, as soon as I started reading I thought ok… The Script. A lot of PP are saying it, too. Doesn’t mean it’s definitely the case, none of us can really know, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck….. you’ve got to anticipate a duck is involved.

All I’ll say is, while you’re working out wtf to do, concentrate on yourself and your baby. He’s got family who can be looking out for him, your first duty is to yourself to be healthy and present for your newborn. Do everything you can to mentally compartmentalise and prioritise self-care. Take whatever he says with a heavy dose of salt and get your ducks in a row. You will see pages and pages and pagessssss on mn about the dramatic and nasty turns men will take, it’s not out of the realms of possibility that he will do something shitty. Keep your wits about you and try to not engage too much if you can help it, let him be at his mums and make sure he gives you money or go straight to CSA if he starts messing about on that front.

Sorry you’re going through this OP, it’s not what anyone deserves and long term posters on here will I’m sure be weary and saddened to keep seeing it time and time again. I hope you find comfort in having family around you and spending time with your sweet baby.

@Woos0093 didn’t assume he was having an affair, she didn’t even mention it in her OP.

And she doesn’t need to answer “what do you want”, when the answer of obvious, she’s a new mum who wants some support from a group of women.

Well having an affair when you're married and have a newborn should make you feel anxious and guilty, but it's not being depressed. I'm sorry but I do believe this is what happened. Why not stay and see a gp if not? Is he still working @Woos0093 ? That would be a clue as to how deep his "depression" is..

So after recently being seen out with this female colleague, he is suddenly claiming MH problems and has abandoned you and your tiny baby. I’m so sorry, @Woos0093, but it does indeed sound like he is cheating.

Don’t allow him to drive your narrative. Gray rock him while enjoying your little one and the loving support of your family and friends. When you feel stronger, consider your options and decide what is best for you and baby.

Is he continuing to make a financial contribution whilst he seeks 'help'?

Make sure he does

Are you still on maternity leave?

Oh right. Yep definitely affair then.

I'm sorry OP.

Have you said to him that you are totally unconvinced by his reasoning and that you believe there is another woman? His reaction might be interesting.......

Is your husband working? Has he gone off sick due to his health issues? If not, then the impact of his health issues are suspiciously selective. No one can help health issues but personally I would struggle with him just withdrawing and not talking to you and trying to get help. What if you were affected similarly? I bet you would not just walk away from your husband and baby. His family needs him and he has just abandoned them.
In your position I would hope for the best and plan for the worst. Best is it is all true, he gets on medication that can help him and swiftly returns apologising profusely and promises it will never happen again.
Other options, it is a ploy in preparation for leaving you for someone else, or this is going to be a long term attitude where his health issues are used as an excuse to abandon his responsibilities and prioritise himself to your detriment.
So, I would assume he is not returning, plan and act on that basis. Prioritise yourself and your daughter and where possible start to consider what you might need to do in preparation for a divorce.

He is having an affair and he has made up a story for a quick exit. Divorce him and make sure he pays spousal and child support. And you keep the house.

Another weak man who flakes out of something he created himself, and just when needed most.
No amount of depression and anxiety on his part would make me see this any differently.
Makes me so angry, the men who do this.

He is having an affair.

He has almost certainly had his head turned at work by a younger woman who is stroking his ego.

He’s following The Script.

They often pretend they’re depressed so it gives them excuses to stay away from you and carry on their affair whilst you’re thinking ‘oh the poor man, I must support him to get better’.

https://www.chumplady.com

Let him go and get your mum help you with the baby and start getting your financials in place.

Prioritise yourself and your baby and keep communication with him to the bare minimum eg. only regarding anything parenting related. Once you have recovered from the shock, start to get organised. I'm so sorry OP.

Men are trash. You will get through this, one day at a time.

Absolutely this

I thought I'd explain this mathematically

Mumsnet logic:
Man talks to woman = man is having affair

Woman talks to man + man has a problem with it = he's a controlling dick.

Normal logic:
Man + woman + talking ≠ affair

This 'man' has left his wife with a tiny baby and not sought help for his 'depression', and you think Mumsnet is the problem?? Very helpful.

Not to mention the fact that her family, who saw him and know him well, already think he's having an affair so you can't chalk this one up to Mumsnet logic (which has been proved right countless times anyhow).

An affair

My husband actually went through postnatal depression when we had our second child, and I'm also a clinical psychologist. So I know quite a bit about this.

People who are depressed, don't really get anything done. Let alone leave home, move out on their own initiative and actively take steps to end their marriage.
Part of the symptoms of depression is falling into a hopeless spiral where nothing feels right, but people also don't feel like they're able to do anything about it.

None of this is true for your partner.
This is not depression.
It screams affair. He was ready to leave you while you were pregnant. He just waited until he could wrap it in the best kind of story that doesn't paint him as the villain who leaves his wife and newborn baby for another woman.

On the basis that.his mental health problems started when he was confronted about being seen with another women, it would seem that he's possibly having an affair. I'd back off in your shoes and I would be discussing the situation with his mum, if you have a good relationship that is. It will all come out soon enough.

he had gone out the night before with his work friends and had lied to me about where he was as he was late home. I saw on find my that he was at this girls house and confronted him and after telling me someone else (male) was drunk and he was walking them home. Turns out it was this girl who I’ve been talking about and he took her home. He said he would do it for anyone and would make the same choice again. I believed him and chose to continue to think he was being kind. The very next day is when he bumped into her when he popped to the shops. He came home and never told me about it not realising he had been spotted. That’s why it’s suspicious.
he is still working and came to look after the baby but only had him for an hour and half before dropping him back so he could go watch football with his friends. I don’t see how if you need to be alone you can still work and see your friends but don’t want to be at home with his wife and baby. That’s why I’m asking for advice. I always believe everything he says but I’m starting to think he’s pulling the wool over my eyes. So I thank you all for your opinions. It definitely helps.

No, I have a problem with people on here jumping to conclusions. It is possible to be depressed and talk to a woman without it meaning you're having an affair.

Yes, it's possible for someone to start suffering MH issues, when they've previously never done so. However, there's normally signs there's something wrong, over a period of time. Most people don't wake up one morning, declare they have MH issues and leaves their wife and baby, when there's been no signs. Yes, he could be struggling to adapt with a new baby, that's not uncommon for men. Yes, he could be telling you the truth regarding the woman your family saw him out with. Equally though, he could be lying through his teeth and his MH issues are fabricated, so he can leave you without looking like the 'bad guy'. My honest opinion is that you need to prioritise your baby and yourself, not your husband. Yes, he needs to co-parent with you, so that means pulling his weight with your baby. See how this pans out - if he doesn't make a GP appointment or seems to make excuses and isn't putting effort into helping himself, I think you'll have your answer.

I'm so sorry he has left you when you most needed him, with a 3 month old baby. If he never returns, can you financally live without him? Or could you live with your mum in Spain? He has a duty towards you and your baby. If he abandons you, I'd just leave and do what was best for me and the baby.

Find yourself a good solicitor once your mums arrived, and serve him divorce papers. You may aswell manage this all whilst on Mat leave so you can start a fresh once you return to work.