Don’t know what to do about DH drinking

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Feeling at the end of my tether. My DH has just gone to bed saying he’s not coming to a family christening tomorrow because he ‘hates that bunch of cunts’ (my family). I didn’t want him to sleep in our bed because several times in the last few months he has wet the bed after heavily drinking. I pointed out that this argument started because I asked him to stop drinking - I had put a bottle of wine away. He then said ‘Shall I tell you to stop eating?’ I have put on weight since having our DD, he has made nasty comments about it several times before and knows how much it upsets me.

We are going through secondary infertility and treatment which is causing a lot of stress for both of us. But I don’t know if I can take this behaviour much more. He doesn’t even apologise of his own accord afterwards, I have to drag it out of him.

He’s got a drinking problem and is a nasty bastard. Another baby is not what you need right now and I assure you Nothing you say or do will make him change. Tell him where your boundaries are and stick to them. Bringing another baby into this would be madness, I know because I did it - catastrophic consequences for my children of this type of behaviour and I have to shoulder some of that for the decisions I made.

How much is he drinking?

Listen to pp about having a baby with a man who seriously has an alcohol problem if he wets the bed on several problems! There’s a Reddit group called Alanon for partners or addicts. You might fine it helpful, you might not, mostly the approach is not to try to control his drinking (like taking away the bottle etc). But the most important thing I learned from that forum is how damaging to children it is to grow up with an alcoholic father. Children of alcoholic surfer lifetime scarring. Take a break and reconsider if you want to raise a family with an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a progressive addiction so it gets more extreme with time if left alone.

Today he’s been with friends and will have had a lot, probably eight pints or so. He can knock back wine like it’s water once he starts so that’s why I put it away.

When this kind of stuff happens he’ll eventually apologise and things will go back to normal, but the drinking creeps up and the things he says in anger can just be so nasty.

We already have one child. What would I do about custody though? I’d be worried about leaving her with him. Also worried about bringing her up across two households as I’d need to move back to my hometown.

His brother is a full-blown alcoholic to the point he has been told he’ll die if he drinks again, living back with PIL, no contact with his own adult kids. But it’s like DH can’t/won’t see the signs of it in himself.

There’s nothing you can do other than decide if you can live with it or not. Do you really want your daughter growing up in a home like this though? And for the love of god don’t have another baby with this horrible man.

Start process of leaving. I know .. my exh was and still is addicted. We left 6 years ago. Life is now wonderful. Do not stay with this, you can't reason with an addict. He already has found his true love, its in a bottle.

Stop the fertility stuff and focus on you.
Call womens aid for advice and book a free solicitor chat.

What a lovely alcoholic catch of a man who pisses the bed like a baby.
id embarrass him about pissing the bed

It’s not easy having to hand your child over granted, which I why I stayed for so long. Once my eldest hit teen years he saw her as fair game to be a nasty cunt to as well and even though I left at that point, he continued to blame her for the separation and destroyed her mental health. I massively regret not leaving WAY sooner, and getting into a routine where he had them as little as possible. He’s lost interest now and the kids don’t bother with him by choice. Minimize exposure to him as much as you can. Turns out my kids knew WAAAAAY more than I thought, the walls have ears.

I worry about taking DD away from her dad. He makes me feel like I’m being over dramatic and controlling. When he isn’t drinking to excess it’s ok. I also probably have been drinking too much as been on summer holidays (TA) which has normalised it for him I think. I feel like I’ve accepted so many things I never would have deemed acceptable before.

Why would you have ANOTHER baby with this absolute prick? Wetting the bed once is a red line crossed. More than that we in trainspotting territory. Leave him. Or make a plan to. Good lord.

You need to document his drinking episodes and bring it to your solicitor. This would then basis for deciding on a visitation arrangement that keeps the child safe. You don’t want him drunk driving with your child god forbid.

I would ask for advice on Reddit alanon where custody is often discussed.

It’s strange, it’s like he isn’t embarrassed. Last time he just got up and went to work and left me to clean it up. He’s also done it at my parents’ and I’ve helped him cover it up, but if I didn’t do anything I think he’d just leave it.

And you should take your DD away from someone who fat shames their mother and has such a major addiction. He is harming you all. You know this - in some way - and I hope you read and take this advice seriously. You and your DD deservr better. LTB.

I feel like I sound so weak. I’ve given ultimatums before about not putting me down about my weight, not wetting the bed, but inevitably it happens again.

I don’t think he’s even that bothered about me if we were to split up, he just wouldn’t want the financial impact of another divorce - this is his second marriage.

Sorry another post - you dont sound weak just stuck. TAs are not paid enough for the work they do which I imagine is impacting your decision. Run for the hills. Seriously. Run for your life. Back at your parents for a while will be ok. Are you struggling with an addiction (beyond to him) that is preventing you from leaving? Im so confused here and sad to hear of your troubles.

I just cannot understand why you would want another baby with this man.

Why did his last marriage end?

I suppose I desperately want another baby, and I will trick myself into thinking things are ok when they are calm. And then I will rationalise it by thinking he’s in my life anyway as we have one child already.

Obviously I’ve only heard his version but I know his ex is a difficult person from experience. He would say she was controlling.

I suppose the very fact that you have to trick yourself that everything is ok means things are very far from ok.

He will get worse.

Thank you. I probably do drink too much when trying to cope with it all. Not been drinking at all for a few weeks now though and have periods of cutting right down.