Don’t know what to do about DH drinking

[Help1234567891]

Feeling at the end of my tether. My DH has just gone to bed saying he’s not coming to a family christening tomorrow because he ‘hates that bunch of cunts’ (my family). I didn’t want him to sleep in our bed because several times in the last few months he has wet the bed after heavily drinking. I pointed out that this argument started because I asked him to stop drinking - I had put a bottle of wine away. He then said ‘Shall I tell you to stop eating?’ I have put on weight since having our DD, he has made nasty comments about it several times before and knows how much it upsets me.

We are going through secondary infertility and treatment which is causing a lot of stress for both of us. But I don’t know if I can take this behaviour much more. He doesn’t even apologise of his own accord afterwards, I have to drag it out of him.

I thought this was good advice OP.

Judging by the amount he is drinking and the fact it already affecting his ability to control his bodily functions he is already in the process of alcoholic decline.

If you document this drinking then it will contribute to evidence that he is not able to safely care for his child.

I would also suggest that as alcoholism is progressive his need to drink will outstrip his wish to see his child because looking after her will interfere with his drinking time. So if you do seperate I very much doubt he will be an involved parent.

I've been where you are Op, and eventually realised that we needed to separate, for my sake and the DCs.

I had spent years begging, cajoling, shouting in frustration, hiding alcohol, helping fund treatment, making appointments, crying in despair. I had done all I could to help him to stop drinking. But I realised it wasn't in my power.

So I could keep trying, unsuccessfully, whilst exposing my children to it, and slowly becoming a shadow of who I was, or I could get us away from it.

So that's what I did. And it was the right thing to do.

Your DH is putting himself and alcohol above you and your children. It's right for you to put you and the children first.

You are trying to conceive and he is drinking like this? Alcohol reduces the chances of conception.
Why would you stay with an abusive bed wetter?
He needs to give up drinking or you need to dump him.

In answer to the original statement, YOU cannot do anything about your DH’s drinking. So with that knowledge, what can YOU do? Start there.

You need to stop this lie. Tell people that he isn’t coming because he is a nasty alcoholic.

You must realise the damage staying with him will have on your child.

All this with bells on !!

I loved dh with a a passion but I love dd more

and now 18mths after deciding enough was enough , I don’t love dh anymore

he killed my love

I worry when dd is with him once a week. I breathalyse him (anyone know of really good ones please do link) at drop off and collection. If he refuses or blow over she doesn’t stay

I don’t doubt he loves dd. But he loves booze more

I get why you are staying @Help1234567891 - you hope dh will change. I did. For years. Be he didn’t and you dh won’t

emotional abuse like cunt and fat isn’t acceptable and now what your daughter should be listening to

He’s an alcoholic.
Dont have a baby with him until treatment is completed and time has elapsed; if at all.
Alcoholism has high chance of genetic inheritance.
Draw a line in the sand for yourself and protect yourself as you need to; financially and emotionally.

Ive experienced several alcoholics up close in life and have zero tolerance now towards it; they will continue to indulge in drinking and you cannot negotiate with someone rationally when they have a drink problem; it’s like arguing alone. They aren’t really present, and the alcohol will always win over you.

Listen to ‘Alcohol Explained’ by William Porter. Very informative and easy to understand. Best of luck to you xx

And stop lying for him. When people ask where he is, you tell them he has an alcohol problem and is struggling to function. People will surprise you with their support xx

Oh op, you need to leave

I too have been here. It took me many many years to leave - and it doesn't sound like you are ready too yet

When you do though, it will be fucking amazing

This. Once I started talking, it gave me strength

I nursed a parent through alcoholism as a teenager. I went to their funeral before I'd even left school. I thought in my naive undeveloped brain that I could save them because they loved me. They did genuinely love me but it just isn't that simple.
Love doesn't cure an alcoholic, you cannot help them if they don't want it, and if he's not even embarrassed enough to hide it from your parents (your second hand embarrassment did) then you cannot help him.

Think about this from your DCs perspective, as it's not your fault they will have to deal with this at some point in life but don't have another baby with him.
They'll think he doesn't love them enough then resent why he can waste money and his time on alcohol but not give them time or even money for essentials.

They'll invite friends round to play and the smell of stale alcohol is in the air, or he comes to pick up from school and the teachers and other parents can smell it? It's actually worse for an older child because they then have to carry that embarrassment too.

As a grown adult with children of my own, I can smell alcohol on someone immediately now. I can smell someone who drinks heavily, it's in their clothes, their sweat smells different, his side of the bed probably smells of it even when he has held his bladder.

You say he's a committed dad but is he? Ask him right now to give up drinking for life or lose his child, and I bet he doesn't react with horror and want to change. He'll get angry, deflect, say really mean and not true things about you to remove the heat off himself, minimize how much he drinks or the effect it really has, he might clean up a bit for a few weeks even but unless he goes to groups, and goes completely alcohol free and engages with the GP I wouldn't even entertain that he's serious.

I don't mean for this to sound harsh OP this isn't your choice or want, you want him to get well and for your family unit to be happy and well. Your not in charge of him or his decisions, or responsible for the hurt he'll cause.

No he's not or he wouldn't be getting pissed, abusing his kids' mother etc. How much money is he pissing up against the wall? That's how committed to family he is. All they care about is alcohol.

“But he just sees me as being controlling or like a parent. That’s kind of become the dynamic.”

Just like he sees his ex as being controlling…

Your DH is a full blown alcoholic too. They come in many different guises. Leave before your child becomes permanently damaged because of it.

There is nothing you can do other than to get the hell away from him. He’s abusive. He won’t change. Please don’t have more children with him.

I am shocked but he has got up, seems fine and is actually coming to the christening. Hasn’t apologised for what he said and I doubt he will unless I make a point of it. I need to have a think as can’t talk properly today as DSS coming to ours.

The cycle continues OP. Him getting up and coming to a christening is not him miraculously cured. These are exactly the behaviours that keep your hope alive.

Have a good day.

He drinks too much and pisses the bed on a regular basis? Op seriously.

stop trying for another child, you already have two. Start making plans go leave. People with a drink problem only ever go one way, worse. Leave soon and divorce before you feel trapped. Ive just divorced my ExH who was an alcoholic and never pissed the bed.

save yourself and your child from this life

OP clearly isn’t going to do anything to change anything is she. I feel sad for their daughter.

I feel sorry for you sleeping in a pissy bed why the fuck isnt he cleaning it up? Id refuse to share a bed with the dirty pig.

It often takes a really long time to leave an abusive relationship

I know i posted on mumsnet a good few times under different usernames about my alcoholic exH. All the useful advice helped open my eyes and made me stronger. All we can do is point out its wrong and advise. Hopefully op will one day find strength

Me too. Took me years.

Leave him.
Let him and his liver rot away alone in his piss soaked bed.

You’re being gaslit by him.
i was with an alcoholic and each time I tried to raise the issue of his drinking he would raise the issue of something I had/hadn’t done, and that once I did that then he would tackle his drinking. It got to a point where I was very calm but firm and said no, we need to talk about your drinking. We did divorce.