Don’t know what to do about DH drinking

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Feeling at the end of my tether. My DH has just gone to bed saying he’s not coming to a family christening tomorrow because he ‘hates that bunch of cunts’ (my family). I didn’t want him to sleep in our bed because several times in the last few months he has wet the bed after heavily drinking. I pointed out that this argument started because I asked him to stop drinking - I had put a bottle of wine away. He then said ‘Shall I tell you to stop eating?’ I have put on weight since having our DD, he has made nasty comments about it several times before and knows how much it upsets me.

We are going through secondary infertility and treatment which is causing a lot of stress for both of us. But I don’t know if I can take this behaviour much more. He doesn’t even apologise of his own accord afterwards, I have to drag it out of him.

Why women choose to procreate with men like this I will never know

Well it’s not awful all the time, and so you can tell yourself that you are actually fine and happy enough and the bad times are just ‘a blip’. But if someone had told me when we first got together that this is how it would be obviously I would never have chosen it.

Listen to this wise poster OP and stop TTC.

Don’t worry about this. The vast majority of fathers won’t see their kids very often once they divorce and half of them stop seeing them completely within 5 years . it’s sad for the kids but your DD is young and she will adapt. It’s better for her than growing up living with a problem drinker.

He is a committed dad so I really don’t think he would disappear.

It makes me so sad as when I talk to him about the drinking it’s because I’m worried about it/him. But he just sees me as being controlling or like a parent. That’s kind of become the dynamic.

Doesn't sound a great environment for your child if you are both drinking so much. Sort yourselves out ffs.

I think he thinks a lot of his behaviour is a lot more normal than it actually is. He grew up in an unhappy household and has had a lot of trauma - he needs proper therapy but is really resistant.

This is one of those threads I just hope is a wind up. The thought of having a baby with a man who wets the bed after drinking too much is just awful.

There are serious risks to the baby too if he really is drinking to incontinence levels
:
"Evidence suggests that paternal alcoholism and alcohol consumption before conception can increase the risk of birth defects and other poor health outcomes in offspring, including heart defects, facial abnormalities, growth restrictions, and cognitive and behavioral issues. This risk is believed to be linked to epigenetic changes in the father's sperm caused by alcohol's effects on the body, which can influence fetal development."
Really sorry you are going through this

He wouldn’t listen to that as have had extensive tests and everything with him is ok.

Thanks to everybody that has responded, even ones that are hard to hear. I’m going to try to get some sleep now - imagine me and DD will be going to the christening on our own and I’ll have to make excuses for him.

Please talk to the staff helping with fertility

The last thing an alcoholic needs is a baby.

Please bring him to your GP Monday.

You do not want another child with this man while he is the way he is

will he stop drinking

prob not tbh

can you make him stop ? No

it took me many years to reliese this and even yelling at him that he was destroying our marriage and relationship , did nothing

they can never see the damage they are doing and children do not need to be in that position

yes it is hard ending a marriage (and the cost of divorce) but better to be alone than walking on eggshells
I just Didn’t reliese how much I did till I didn’t

dh still drinks. Still denys. I don’t care anymore as generally doesn’t effect me

Time to stop worrying about and prioritising the drunken selfish abusive husband, and start prioritising your daughter. Do not think another baby with this man will improve anyones life, it won't.
Every one of your posts is focused on him, his needs, his wants etc. He is not spending the same time talking about you. Your daughter deserves much more than this.

Stop lying to yourself on the days this doesn't happen - its not ok, its a pattern and you definitely shouldn't have another baby with him

If you’re determined to flog this horse one more time you need to talk to him when he’s sober. Frame it in terms of his health and your concern. Let him know your tolerance does not extend to bed wetting or calling your family cunts. Tell him he needs to improve or it’s over.

I am saying this because I would bet good money he will refuse to listen. Will attack you again and make it your fault (you’re a fat nag etc). But at least you will have given yourself an out. You tried. Then leave.

Dont.
And stop lying to yourself.

I grew up with an alcoholic father whose mother similarly "worried".
He didnt really show his true colours until my mum had youngest sibling. Then he went off the rails fast while she scrambled to keep the train on the track.
I could never do it to my children some of what we endured was horrific- it would make grown men cry. (I've only seen my husband cry twice and the other time was when his father died)

No one of us (myself or siblings) were "awwww mum thanks for staying and putting us through that for x years. It was really good you 'put us first' so we could grow up with an alcoholic. It meant we are much happier well adjusted adults"
2 siblings were NC with my mum for many years because as adults they couldn't handle her absolute failure to protect them.

Separately
STOP ACTIVELY TRYING TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD WITH AN KNOWN ALCOHOLIC. IT'S A HUGE MISTAKE AND MORALLY WRONG.

END IT AND GET A DIVORCE. DON'T LET THIS DROWNING MAN DRAG YOU AND YOUR CHILD DOWN WITH HIM.

He would probably say you are controlling too... think on that.

When this kind of stuff happens he’ll eventually apologise and things will go back to normal

This was our lives growing up and you can never ever relax. You grow up in a permanent state of tension just waiting ... because you know even though today is "good" it wont last. Its coming. He's coming.

And if you think he'll save his temper and nice words for you. I can promise you, He wont...
he'll be telling your daughter shes "a fat useless cunt like her mother" or similar pleasantries in a few years ( so she'll be listening to this aged 6/7/8). Look at her and think about that hard.
Im not saying this to be alarmist upset you im saying this so if you stay... When it happens... and it will.. you cant pretend you weren't told and "didnt know this would happen"
You are the only person who can protect your dd. Dont fail her.

You're not weak, OP, it's not easy to accept the truth about addicts, that the relationship that they will fight for is the relationship with the drink, drugs, gambling or whatever it is - not their relationship with you. There's nothing you can do to get him to understand - and he sounds a nasty, cruel person on top of the alcohol abuse.

The very best, bravest thing you can do for your daughter is to leave. Read up on the impact on kids of growing up with an alcoholic parent - it's devastating, far worse outcomes than being the child of divorced parents, I promise you.

You're going tohave to put your desire for another child to one side and protect the one you already have. She relies on you to bring her up in a happy, safe environment, with a happy, safe mum. Be brave, get support from something like AlAnon, and face the truth that the only thing you can do about your husband's drinking is to leave and protect your daughter from it.

Don’t make excuses for him, tell the truth. Get some irl support. Alcoholics thrive on other people keeping their secrets.

Stop worrying about him and start to plan your escape.

I have children with an addict, OP. It is a heartbreaking illness as when they are sober they are the love of my life. Unfortunately I couldn’t accept this life for my children. I had my first child thinking they would change but in all honesty I shouldn’t have had a second child as I knew he wouldn’t change by then, obviously I love my younger DC!
Most alcoholics don’t drink vodka for breakfast. Most have jobs and periods of not drinking. But it’s that switch when they drink, the inability to stop and the lies/ deception/ abuse.
Custody isn’t easy. My ex didn't fight for it. He has them two days a week and I collect before he has a chance to get inebriated. His mum is also around so if I’m worried (e.g. if I get there at 11 and he’s already drinking) then I call her to supervise. I mean it’s really ruined both of our lives (his, mine, his parents).
But my children are older. The way he is now I wouldn’t trust him with an under five year old. It does suck never having time to myself, and I have to do a lot of work with my two around their self esteem. You have to really drum into the kids that their dad doesn’t drink because he doesn’t love you, he can’t stop and he feels he isn’t enough. It’s about his self esteem.
Do not worry about leaving because his drinking will increase. In all likelihood it will, but you’re not his carer. You can’t save him. Remember the mantra: you didn’t cause it, you can’t change it. All you can do is tell him what you are willing to tolerate and leave when he doesn’t respect that.

OP you need to read and re read this post and take it extremely seriously - this poor poster and her siblings have actively lived the future you are setting out for your DD if you stay with this man. No one wishes suffering for their children and this is your opportunity to take her away from this situation. And echoing others, for God sake stop TTC NOW!

The thing is about saying this is that now your dd is growing up in an unhappy household with an alcoholic father. I bet his ex wife was ' controlling' because she told him to stop drinking too. Does he have other kids?

Dont make excuses for him. He drank too much and wont come. Let them know what a shit husband he is.

and stop trying to get pregnant by an alcoholic abusive man you should be leaving. That would be incredibly irresponsible behaviour. You need to get your child away from this so she doesnt grow up with the trauma of thinking this is normal.