Estranged daughter

[Eleanorswindow]

I haven't seen or spoken to my DD for almost 2 years now and it's tearing me apart. She's in her 50's and menopausal (may be relevant) and we've always been extremely close so the hole in my life is immense.

It started with her saying she had MH issues and didn't feel up to seeing anyone, me included, and this went on for months although we still spoke on the phone daily. I started to suspect there was more to it from a couple of comments she made about my DH, her SF since she was 6yo, and eventually I asked her directly whether there was a problem with him.

She then revealed that he had always made her uncomfortable, had made comments about her body as a teenager and basically implied that he has an unhealthy interest in teenage girls. When pressed she couldn't come up with anything really concrete, just vague references to how he was around her when she was growing up. I do remember him commenting that she didn't get her boobs from me (hers are much bigger than mine ever were) and the like but I honestly never thought anything of it, he can be a bit socially inept and doesn't always seem to know where the line is but it never seemed that bad to me, just typical of men of our generation really.

I tried really hard to see her point of view but struggled to hear her talk about him like that, he's not perfect but he's not a bad man and I did say as much to her. She took this very badly, said I was minimising her experience and defending him and cut contact with me completely. I was very angry on DH's behalf when this first happened and very hurt that she seemed to be punishing me for something I didn't do so didn't try particularly hard to persuade her otherwise but I also thought maybe menopausal hormones were to blame for at least some of what was happening with her and that she would come round in time.

But that doesn't seem to be happening as the months are ticking by and the situation is beginning to feel permanent and irreparable. I'm devastated that we've ended up here but have no idea how to begin to fix it, she's been very clear that she doesn't want to hear from me. Is there anything I can do here or do I just have to accept that I've lost my DD forever? I miss her and my DGC so much and honestly can't believe any of this has happened, we were so close.

You’ve invalidated her completely, minimised her feelings, blamed it on “hormones” and defended your husbands inappropriate comments to a young girl.
If you can’t hold true accountability by how you made her feel in that moment, then leave her be to heal.

The menopausal thing is only relevant if you consider that women put up with or try to cope with an awful lot of shit in their lives, then hit menopause and reassess and vow to not let themselves be in that position again. It's most likely to be a positive thing for her.

"He commented that she didn't get her boobs from you but...you never thought anything of it"???

Seriously that's your problem right there. It's completely creepy and out of order, unnerving for a teenager girl.

I don't blame her one bit for going low contact with you both.

I suspect she was testing the water to see if you were safe enough for her to be able to tell you a fuller version of events.
You've just proved to her that you aren't.
Even if all your dh did was make her feel uncomfortable - she was still seeking your support and understanding and you've placed your dh firmly above her.
I don't blame her for keeping her distance, you've made your alliance clear.

This. ^^

The first step if any possible reconciliation - which is completely in your daughter’s hands as to whether she wishes to and she has every right to say no - is genuinely owning the mistakes you have made, fully, not making any excuses and taking some accountability. That also includes where you didn’t do anything, acts of omission are still actions. It sounds like you are very woe is me, and don’t see you have done anything wrong which until you do it is not surprising she doesn’t want anything to do with you 🙄

As for your DH’s comments, well he sounds like a nice one 🤢 And your view on just that’s what that generation of men do is grim. They don’t, and if they do that is not okay, it is sexual harassment.

I think you did invalidate and minimise her feelings by dismissing them.
Your explanation here sounds like you don't believe her or think she is making a fuss about nothing. Or that she's "menopausal" which isn't a great thing to think either because that also excuses or diminishes her feelings.
By defending your DH & not taking her seriously it probably feels like you have chosen your DH over her.

I don't know what the next steps are other than leaving her for a bit to see if she makes the first move or maybe writing her a letter explaining that you are sorry you made her feel like she wasn't heard.

Do remember how hard it can be for a child to have to accept someone who isn't their parent into their lives - we see it on these boards constantly.
Maybe there is more to unpick here than you thought &, while you love your DH & saw him as a great father to your DD, she might not have felt the same.

I suggest you read the thread “What the fuck am I going to do.” posted in relationships by Richardstrange some months ago. It will show you this story from the DDs side - in fact you might even be the DM in question- and give you insight about what you actually need to do if you want a relationship with her.

Lots of step fathers sexually abuse girls. The wife/mum doesn't know and is shocked and horrified and duesnt believe it. We don’t want to believe the truth sometimes as it’s too painful and shocking. It was my cousin in my case. I was believed though. Fortunately.

Things may be worse than you know OP.
I hope not.

I'm not criticising you, OP, but it must be horrible for a teenage girl to live in the same house as a man that, rightly or wrongly, she doesn't trust

I believe your daughter and I also believe she was trying to open up and tell you the full story. Your response and minimisation of her feelings told her it wouldn't be safe to go further. So she wisely withdrew.

I suspect deep down you know what she has said is true but you just cannot accept the possibility. So you've once again chosen your husband over your daughter. She knows and you know it.

She's a brave women, firstly to take the initial step of trying to talk to you and then to go no contact.

She deserves better than you can give. Leave the poor woman alone to live her life in peace. You've made your choice she's made hers.

If you don't listen to your DD and offer support then you're basically calling her a liar. There's no two ways about it. For a start, a stepfather talking about his teenage step-daughter's boobs is extremely inappropriate and you should have challenged this at the time, not defended or made excuses for him. You also suggest he made other such comments when you say "and the like", so it clearly wasn't a one off. As a teenager she would have been too scared, confused and outnumbered to tell you at the time. She's trying to tell you now but all you can talk about is your poor DH. You also say you "aren't responsible" for any of it. But you are you see. You're her mother, the person that gave birth to her and the person that should have protected her, but you didn't. You chose your DH instead.

Yeah it is obvious from the outside why your daughter is not in contact with you.

Clearly it is not obvious from your perspective though.

Maybe it is your side of the fence that needs the work, have you considered that possibility?

It was an inappropriate comment from him and illustrates how important it is not to remark on your children. You may think the tattoo is awful or that the haircut looks ridiculous but saying it to them can chisel away at their self worth. Doesn't matter if the child is male or female you can never know what remark, however jokey, can start a spiral of self criticism.

Even worse if it comes from a step parent. Another reason people with children shouldn't remarry.

I am your DD in this situation. Thankfully I have never have a pervy SF who commented on my boobs (who the hell does he think he is, and why stay with a perv like that?) but I am the menopausal woman in her 50s who has gone LC with her mother for not taking accountability for hurt she has caused.

I expect if we heard your daughter's POV we would hear how she has tried over the years to bring things up and either it has been ignored, brushed aside or made light of. Your post gives me that impression too.

You would have 2 options if you were my mother.

1. Write to me apologizing for your treatment of me, accepting exactly (specifically) how cruel you were and how wrong you were - not a general "I am sorry you feel hurt/ if I hurt you" but actual specifics when you said the wrong thing after I had been brave enough to tell you.
2. Leave me the hell alone.

Yep.

It sounds like you’ve decided that your husbands feelings/story are/is more important than your daughters - your relationship with her will never improve until this status quo flips. Only you have the power to decide who you chose, but to an outsider you’re currently making a horrible mistake, if you truly value your relationship with your daughter listen and really ‘hear’ her

You've put your DH above your daughter.. she has tried to tell you he makes you feel uncomfortable and you dismissed her feelings and defended your DH because she couldn't provide you with details or 'evidence'. She grew up feelings uncomfortable in her home, a place she should feel comfortable and safe.
Children don't go NC for no reason.
Qnd you seem mostly bothered about how it affects you.

I haven’t spoken to my Mum for over 10 years now, and she could never understand or accept responsibility as to how her actions affected me. It was always me with the chip on my shoulder.

I too had a stepdad who my mum left her family for when I was 11, after having an affair with him for over 10 years (my dad knew but didn’t kick her out). I tried to maintain a relationship with her. But when her husband would constantly belittle me and destroy my confidence, I finally had enough when I was over 30.

My mum even told me she wouldn’t say anything to him as ‘he’s my husband’, which told me everything I needed to know.

It’s been so difficult to navigate, especially as I know she’s been slagging me off to anyone who will listen, but I had to advocate for myself. No one has a right to be in your life, even family.

Yep, as someone who has recently seen the light on a relationship with my mother probably because of declining oestrogen i say god bless the menopause. So yes the reframe is she has been holding onto this for years probably to not rock the boat or hurt your feelings so your only recourse is to apologise to her and mean it.

You have completely invalidated her and put your creepy husband with a interest in teenage girls before your own daughter - I can see why she wants no relationship with you.
As it stands, your blaming her hormones rather than accepting your part in the blame to this, so there is no chance of fixing this.
You reap what you sow.

Maybe your daughter sought some counselling if she was feeling low around the menopause and feelings and situations from her childhood came up in the process.

Well, you've tied yourself to this man and told your daughter so. No wonder she doesn't want to see either of you. She must feel so let down by you.

What a weird f*ing comment he made about her boobs. And you're defending him? No wonder she's run a mile. This is toxic.

OP you seem to be dismissing your daughter feelings and comments by blaming her hormones & suggesting she is overreacting.

I think you need to do some serious soul searching as to why you think it is OK to ignore what she has raised in term inappropriate comments and your husband behaviour which you chose to enable.