Estranged daughter

[Eleanorswindow]

I haven't seen or spoken to my DD for almost 2 years now and it's tearing me apart. She's in her 50's and menopausal (may be relevant) and we've always been extremely close so the hole in my life is immense.

It started with her saying she had MH issues and didn't feel up to seeing anyone, me included, and this went on for months although we still spoke on the phone daily. I started to suspect there was more to it from a couple of comments she made about my DH, her SF since she was 6yo, and eventually I asked her directly whether there was a problem with him.

She then revealed that he had always made her uncomfortable, had made comments about her body as a teenager and basically implied that he has an unhealthy interest in teenage girls. When pressed she couldn't come up with anything really concrete, just vague references to how he was around her when she was growing up. I do remember him commenting that she didn't get her boobs from me (hers are much bigger than mine ever were) and the like but I honestly never thought anything of it, he can be a bit socially inept and doesn't always seem to know where the line is but it never seemed that bad to me, just typical of men of our generation really.

I tried really hard to see her point of view but struggled to hear her talk about him like that, he's not perfect but he's not a bad man and I did say as much to her. She took this very badly, said I was minimising her experience and defending him and cut contact with me completely. I was very angry on DH's behalf when this first happened and very hurt that she seemed to be punishing me for something I didn't do so didn't try particularly hard to persuade her otherwise but I also thought maybe menopausal hormones were to blame for at least some of what was happening with her and that she would come round in time.

But that doesn't seem to be happening as the months are ticking by and the situation is beginning to feel permanent and irreparable. I'm devastated that we've ended up here but have no idea how to begin to fix it, she's been very clear that she doesn't want to hear from me. Is there anything I can do here or do I just have to accept that I've lost my DD forever? I miss her and my DGC so much and honestly can't believe any of this has happened, we were so close.

Your dd was trying to open a dialogue with you and from the sounds of it was looking to disclose more.

You basically told her your dh is more important.

I dont blame her for severing contact.

She is your child and you chose a pedophile over her.

You should be ashamed of yourself

You could be my very good friend’s mum. All I can advise you is to listen to her before it’s too late.

God I’m so tired of women who will throw their children under the bus to placate shitty men.

My parents invited an old college friend and her new husband to stay for the weekend when I was 15. The new husband was creepy. He never touched me but his presence and compliments made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. That was one weekend and I still remember it. If he was my father-figure and I had to live with him, I'd have been damaged no end.
You have to recognise this, Op. Your daughter grew up in a damaging, uncomfortable environment. It's not your fault but she has told you now and your reaction is to sweep it under the rug and make excuses. This is a second, arguably more painful wound for her to bear.
You can't fix this situation without finally becoming the mother she's always needed you to be. Hug her, hold her and apologise for not recognising or responding to how she grew up.

The menopause is another smokescreen on your part.

I fear you might not have heard the full story. But it doesn't seem you're open to this. So now it could be that's she's had to withdraw from you. Never underestimate or ignore someone's discomfort.

I believe you really need to do this if you want to start to repair your relationship with your daughter.