SEPTEMBER 2025 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

My 'mother' left for Australia today to be the big wonderful amazing granny to my sisters impending baby which is due in the next two weeks. She did not so much as text my son, her oldest grandkid who she 'misses terribly' but seems to forget his existence since he was able to have a phone of his own for her to contact him on.... i pity my sister being honest. I am not sure how long momster is gone over for but she sure as shit will make everything about herself. She is either the victim or the victor.

@Sprinkleandsparklesi hope you are ok. Special occasions like Christmas birthdays Mother’s Day are difficult. I understand my situation is different but i didn’t send cards or gifts last Mother’s Day or for dm birthday and I felt incredibly guilty despite her not bothering with my dc her only gc obviously she would of been reliant on dsis to arrange something for her i didn’t know where she was living I presumed with dsis so any gift I sent wouldn’t of reached her anyway so i didn’t bother but felt incredibly guilty she would think I didn’t care. All of which probably played right into dsis hands that I didn’t care for dm never bothered with her as she got old which is so far from the truth

He has very little opinion, he has had the special training and responds only with “that’s just how they are”. I don’t blame him though as it’s all very covert. I do feel sorry for him at times as they aren’t interested in him at all and I can only imagine how shit and disinterested they were as parents as they are shit grandparents. Apparently shit parents make for shit grandparents.

Im sorry about the birthday, it really shouldn’t be this hard.

Twatalert what happened with the lady with the straw is I was about 6 and Mother took me along with her when she went to the lady's house for coffee.

She served me something and it had a plastic crazy straw. After I'd finished my drink I asked if I could keep the straw.

She was so so kind in her response. She said I'd love to but then my little girl couldn't use it when she comes home.

I was mortified and terrified of Mother's response possibly calling me a thief or saying I'd embarrassed her. I whispered I'm so sorry I thought it was a disposable straw I didn't know.

She whispered back I understand, I know what you mean and I know you didn't know.

The whole thing happened without Mother realising and I realised she knew, she was safe. It was so small and so important.

Interestingly we never saw her again. I have tears in my eyes now thinking that she didn't put me in danger and was thoughtful.

I've been gaslighting myself about my cunt sister. I cut her off Summer 2024, I had it planned and had longed for it for years.

Mother died, I moved across the country and as soon as the estate was wrapped up I cut all contact.

Including even people who hadn't done anything wrong but could conceivably provide any link or information about me.

I've been thinking about things from her pov and thinking it must be very confusing. She's done a million small things over the decades and I didn't necessarily point them out at the time.

I've realised (I knew at the time really) that Mum was the cause of a lot of the divide. She would feed back anything nasty sister said about me. But then she didn't need to say anything nasty in the first place.

I basically just don't like her she's a Reform voter. She's very very very wealthy and so very nasty and hypocritical about anyone who isn't wealthy (like me).

She fizzes and boils about her taxes and being used for the feckless and lazy and she'd make me sick even if she wasn't my sister.

My cousin died, I was very fond of her. She was also 'a fat failure' and like me. She was much older than me and the last link to the past (apart from my kids). I'll post a sympathy card and photos I had previously looked to her daughter (adult middle aged).

Absolutely beautiful and sad. Sad that such a seemingly insignificant event means so much to us who have been deprived of safety and love.

My mother would have called me greedy and outrageous for asking. I would have been in fear of what she would say to me in the car or back home.

Somehow we tend to have higher standards for ourselves than for others. It sounds like it's been freeing but with the usual pinch of guilt that only we seem to be aware of in ourselves and hold ourselves accountable for.

Without the tie of family would many of us actually even give these people a second look in the street let alone try for years to get their love and approval. When we take away the need for connection that’s just part of inbuilt survival and look at them as people they are bloody awful.

Mum would have done the same thing and would have done her best to shame me for a tiny 'mistake'.

But why purposely shame a child for making a mistake? Do they think you are intentionally trying to piss them off or humiliate them? My daughter who is ADHD has trouble with the black and white thinking of mistakes, she always sees intent and purpose.

I also have a cousin I wonder about. She distanced herself from her parents and even her grandmother (who's also my grandmother) a very long time ago. It was the biggest gossip in the family and in the end the narrative was that she's ashamed of something and therefore cannot face the family. It blows my mind now. She began to stay away from family events and is now what we would call low contact.

My brother contacts her about once a year and whatever she shares about her life will then be spread and talked about as if it's evening news. Just gossip. No genuine connection or care. Just information gathering.

I sometimes want to reach out to her to hear her story, but worry that she's on the wrong side and won't believe mine and mine ends up in the gosipping circles.

Her father is my mother's brother. Very likely narcissistic too. They have younger siblings who are more golden children.

A few years ago she got married. It was a bit into covid. Her parents didn't attend even though I think a small number of guests were allowed.

I had no idea what she went through until I did it myself. What a massive step it was for her to step away. What it must have been like to get married without your parents and sibling.

I don't know why you'd want to shame a child, especially your own child. My guess is that she wouldn't have paid attention properly to what had actually been said and would have acted half cocked and been mortified that I'd tried to steal. Or be greedy.

She was very socially and emotionally stupid and couldn't read the room. I think also back in the day people were very concerned about being seen to publicly chastise their children. I don't know, I think she was a 2 year old with a car and chequebook.

She had an awful upbringing but so did I, I think it's even more reason to be kind to your children. Ultimately she was very very selfish.

She would be very embarrassing in public and say the stupidest things. I used to smooth the way and assist her socially but stopped in later life and just allowed her to show everyone what she really was.

I'd smile blankly at walls and out of the window as she would say the most insane and inappropriate things and just let whoever she was yabbering at deal with it.

She also had cunt sister set as her attack dog. Mostly at my eldest, estranged, very badly abused sister. But she'd wind her up and watch her go.

Twatalert I wonder if your cousin might be worth reaching out to? But then what? You'll probably find she thinks the same way we all do if she's escaped. But you want less family contact not more.

When I would speak to my cousin I never mentioned my cunt sister, didn't ask if she'd heard from her nothing. And she didn't mention her which tells me that even if she was in contact she wasn't gossiping.

@Dogaredabomb I haven't got her number and she's nowhere to be found online. My brother has her number and I thought about asking him for it, but realised the news of me asking will spread instantly. I hate that you can't do or say anything without it being discussed by the tribe. And I hate that I care.

So your action triggered her shame? They don’t appear to be able to separate themselves and their feelings.

Something someone said a long time ago “narcs just can’t do relationships” has just suddenly made sense to me. Narcs seek safety in relationships as we all do. But they are both desperate and triggered at the same time. They are both safe and unsafe in relationships and seek safety in non conducive ways. There whole safety protocols are based on the relationship, there is no internal safety. Like the parent they had, they both need you and hate you at the same time. Your behaviour actually controls the narcs behaviour quite a lot.

I should add that goes to peoples pleaser (ex) like myself, too much identity tied up in relationships. It’s an abuse of a relationship.

God.forbid you trigger a narc and get the narc rage! My ex gets triggered so easily and he is a full blown narc. Actually so are my parents and sister. Why am I not though? Because narcs wouldn't question if they were woukd they?

Im having trouble with my sister atm. Considering how much our mum plays us off each other she hasn't destroyed our relationship but I look at my sister and the way she is and its like looking at history repeating itself all again. She has the same mood swings as our mum. She's in a toxic relationship and she told me yesterday shes having a full blown affair.
She is so selfish. She only thinks of herself. She doesnt think of her children and its like watching a slow car crash if im honest. Any advice she never takes and I spent 3/4 hours in a cafe listening to her go on about her relationship and affair.
I just want to shake her and say stop messing your kids life up! She is so clueless and thinks her behaviour has no impact on them.

For those of you who went NC with toxic parents, how old were you when you did this and how did you reach the realisation?

My parents have a pattern of really sticking the boot in as hard as possible when I’m having a difficult time. Examples of this are 16 years ago, when I was in a psychiatric ward, they bullied me extra hard and also refused to come and pick me up when my psychiatrist phoned them and asked them to pick me up because I was on day release. This sort of thing resulted in wasteful use of ambulances taking me home on a 2 hours journey.

I am disabled and throughout my life they’ve used money to control me. They ‘help’ me and then take the help away when it suits them.

The latest thing is that my dp has lung cancer and they’ve told me I’m not allowed to use the car they’ve given me to take my dp (also the father of our 5 year old dd) to the hospital for his appointments.

My mum pumps my autistic, socially vulnerable dd who is 16, for information about where I am and what im
doing and then sends me abusive text messages about it.

Last year, when my mum was ill in hospital, I did all I could to help them.

I’m just so sick of all these mind games and childish nonsense.

How do you cut contact?

Honestly I’d just slowly back off, not much point in this relationship really.

I think i would walk away but I guess im only staying around for my niece and nephew.

Then limit contact to those kids, don’t meet for chats in coffee shops and if it happens say sorry I don’t want to listen to this and leave. Set the boundary and let her do what she does in return. I make it sound easy but I struggle with feeling guilty setting boundaries. People try and manipulate you into their worlds and we have to stand firm and say sorry I don’t want your world you keep it.