SEPTEMBER 2025 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Thank you so much. Yes it has been a very long time, and it’s the greatest sadness of my life, but it is the right thing for me. In all other areas my life is so good, I have a fantastic DH, and I have a really lovely relationship with my dcs for which I am eternally grateful. I am also very lucky that my siblings support me in this, even though it has made things tricky for them. They have chosen to try to manage her, and often suffer as a result, but they totally respect and understand my choice. If anything they joke that they are jealous of me getting away while they still deal with it all. The fear has lessened with every year and I’m more and more sure that I have saved myself and allowed myself to actually live free from it all. I could never have done all I have done (career, relationships and raising my DCs with love and mutual respect) with her still in my life critical of my every decision.

I had this exact same hyper emotional reaction regarding a toxic relative of mine. What helped was having an image of them and a plan. In my case I imagined that they were a vague, random, irrelevant neighbour from up the road (I even called them “Julia Brown from no 7”) - so any interaction from me would be the appropriate energy level of bumping in to an irreverent neighbour - quick polite pleasantry no deeper than commenting on the weather and then I am on my way - no need to stop and engage. It absolutely worked. Released the 24/7 exhausting and preoccuping hyper vigilance and then when it did happen after a few seconds of shock I got back on track and knew what to do. Keep moving!

Ah, interesting. A good way to create mental distance from the toxic person, so that you’re not dragged in by historical emotional entanglement. Giving her a different (and unimportant) persona in my head, this strategy might well work for me. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks so much @Hirik very much appreciate your wise and kind words. Your phrase ‘safe in the knowledge’ resonates and is helpful, thank you 🙏

Yup, decenter them. I sometimes try to think of them as toddlers because of their behaviour or people that are disconnected from reality. Tbh the toddler image fits the most based on their reactions. My body does what it wants though so I still get the shakes.

The body keeps the score. But there are things we can do about that if we choose, whether it be yoga, breath work, meditation, tapping, or whatever combination works, some kind of mindful regular practice can help. I will be doing some of these daily to prepare myself.

I don't want to make my own post and draw attention to it as I know a family member occasionally comes on here,

Was NC with mum for 6 years, reconciled briefly for 18 months, been NC again for around 18 months. Lots of triangulation between siblings / parental alienation against fathers / family members. Sister physically assaulted my disabled child at a day outing and then painted herself to be a victim to rest of family. Love my dad but he's a flying monkey and a gossip. When I went NC with sister he for the first time in my children's lives sent their birthday and Xmas presents through the post and didn't ask to meet up in person, didn't message/ring to let me know he was sending gifts and hasn't messaged or rang to see if we received them. He always likes to appear like he's not taking sides but he very much does and I think what he's done with the gifts speaks volumes.

He won't want to hear my version as he knows that I'm telling the truth ( my sister is well known within the family for having a explosive temper, she will flip out at work colleagues, random people in public and her family / in-laws ect and, another sibling has been NC with sister for over a decade and around a year ago sisters SIL went no contact with her too )

I don't know whether to remain nc or be low contact with him, its difficult. It's things like, I've been a single mum for years and he's never once offered to have my children overnight. The only time he has ever had one of my children overnight is when my children had to stay at my mums for an emergency for a few days and my dad took my son for a night to basically play the hero to my mum tbh. My son was 7 at this point, he's never asked to have him stay since

But I know he loves us in his own way. But it'd a way that hurts me even though that's not his intention. He probably does just see it as he's keeping the peace, but he silent takes sides and digs for information like "have you heard from NC member yet ) I struggle to explain it

Feeling really mixed emotions about it all at the minute

I would have no contact with your father. He cannot be trusted or at all relied upon. He will continue to throw you under the bus.

You say you are sure you father loves you. What evidence is there to support that belief?

I know this is a tough thing to wrestle with, because parents like this sell us a lie about what love looks and feels like. But love isn't painful. It doesn't hurt. It's calm and reliable and comforting. It's like when women in horrendous marriages post that they know their husband loves them but he treats them like shit. He may feel many things but love isn't one of them.

I accepted quite young that my father didn't love me, I think. He said he did and would have got very angry if challenged (but then he also insisted that none of his bad behaviour was his fault). I'm wrestling at the moment with the knowledge that my mother doesn't love me because her behaviour just doesn't support the idea that she does. Again, I think she thinks she does, or assumes she does because she's supposed to therefore she must, but there's no evidence for it.

Does anyone else have a NPD parent who gets their supply from creating a conflict then making a fuss and complaining about it? My mother would run up huge library fines just so she could argue with the library and ‘win’ when they finally relented.

I am doing my best to ignore some very long messages from her about a company threatening her with legal action for non-payment of services. Allegedly the details they sent for payment are wrong, the woman from accounts is a ‘bitch’ and they are harassing her. Oh, and it’s a scam. It’s just exhausting.

She needs an audience for her narc rage - don’t inadvertently enable and facilitate that. Do you have strategies for closing the conversation down? As well as boundaries and consequences communicated to her that you enact immediately when transgressed.

@Hirik my strategy is to ignore the messages. Or at least, the part of the message that refers to something like this. It never stops though, she is always trying to get a reaction. I feel like grey rock or yellow rock don’t really work on her.

You could ask her directly not to inform you of such issues? I suspect you don’t because she is volatile and would likely blow up? However that is also a controlling tactic of hers as she gets to silence you and ‘be heard’ and discharge even if you don’t respond.

If you think grey rock isn’t working then maybe emotionally protect yourself - communicate a simple unemotional boundary with consequence - wait for her to flounce off or explode - who cares it’s only ‘weather’ gives you some peace for a few days if you know it’s coming and are prepared and protected - like looking thru the window at the storm outside - you are not in it you are safe and protected. Then turn your back and draw the curtains until it subsides or your consequence has worked.

Emma

Continue to ignore the messages and do not get sucked in by such hoovering attempts; forward them to spam. A reaction from you is what is wanted; to such disordered of thinking people this is the reward.

Grey rock as a technique only works for a short period of time. I would drop the rope altogether and now have nothing more to do with her. Its not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist in any case.

My experience of this has been, with my mother at least, that she doesn't take my feelings into consideration at all. She doesn't do something with the goal being to upset me because that would require thinking about how I might feel and she just doesn't. She can't think beyond her own needs and feelings. She enjoys complaining and telling other people they're doing things wrong. I've found i have to be really careful how I reply because she loves to start arguments about her pet topics (mostly politics). If she sees one, you can literally see her sit up in her chair, and her eyes go all bright, and she gets all giddy and excited. But it's not personal. She will do it to literally anyone. A stranger at the bus stop would do. She seems to have no idea at all how it lands with other people.

We are LC because I don't have the bandwidth for it, I need calm and cheerful and comforting.

I have wondered if my mother seeks out arguments because conflict feels familiar and so she finds comfort in it.

I would further lower all current low contact levels down to zero.

It is not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking.

What if anything do you know about her childhood as this often gives clues. She may seek out conflict because it’s familiar to her but equally these types are and remain volatile in an empty room.

Conflict is familiar to me too having been raised by a woman who would fight with her own fingers just to have some kind of rift yet I will do anything to avoid it if possible and she tells everyone I am the confrontational one. She drains the energy from people because chaos is how they thrive. They need to be in the middle of drama to function. It is alien to those of us not like them.

I know there was some difficult family background, though some of it I am reading between the lines because it was never openly discussed. I know her own mother married v young because she got pregnant, my mother is an only child, the marriage didn't last, and I always got the impression that my grandmother didn't want children and had a lot of resentment about the way her life turned out. I barely knew my grandfather as he had no interest in my mother though she remained desperate for his attention until the day he died. I still don't quite understand why. She then married my father at 19 in order to escape a home life where things had gone rather wrong. Stayed in that marriage for 25 years of abuse. There is something in my mother's personality and the way she's attracted to conflict that I strongly feel helped keep her there - she got trapped into a cycle of constantly trying to change my father's mind, to prove him wrong, to win an argument when that was impossible because he simply changed the rules without warning, rather than looking at him and seeing him as an absolute bullying shit that wasn't worth the effort. His background - very violent father who beat the kids, and a mother who encouraged him to beat the kids rather than her. A toxic mess, really, for the pair of them.

We know these things cycle and that they are inherited through generations. Some people get the family silver, others get patterns of abuse. But I do think that when we say I broke the cycle so why couldn't they, we miss something, which is that we have been able to do something very hard, which is to name the abuse, make it public, refuse to play along, be willing to let parents and siblings go rather than be abused to keep them. We sacrifice a lot to let the abuse stop and not poison another generation and some people just can't. They can't deal with cutting off a parent. It's terrifying. It feels too hard. So they choose the abuse instead, which is at least familiar and predictable.

I received another parcel from my parents and they used my niece to put some crafted things in it. They wrote in the card that they miss me, just like they did for my birthday a few months ago. The more often they do it the better I can handle it. I'm no longer angry and didnt get so heavily dysregulated. I actually feel sorry for them with the 'limitations' they have.

I do not trust them one bit. I still feel guilt. I feel like I have done something stupid and not justified by going NC. I remember the illusion of love and belonging I used to have when I couldn't possibly think that my own parents don't love me. I feel a pull towards this illusion. I so badly want a parent that looks out for me just for once.

I think I'm being love bombed a bit. Never before my birthday a few months ago did they tell me they loved me. And I don't remember them ever saying they missed me and now I got it twice in the same year. It does press my buttons and I have to remind myself of their nastiness and the lifetime of abuse I am trying to heal from and how I still have to learn what others learnt as toddlers and children.

The parcel is full of cheap tat. Poundland equivalent stuff. I can imagine my mother taking my niece to the shop to choose some tat. My mother once again put sweets in there I have been telling them since childhood I do not like. These people do not know me.

It is hilarious that these things always arrive the day before my therapy appointment.

Popping in, dear residents of the alternative NOT UNHINGED stately home, to say I’m wishing you all the best at one of the most horrid times of the year for people with toxic and abusive families.

Some of you may remember me from the five years I was here - almost hourly sometimes and I can’t thank people enough for their kindness and support - when dealing with my toxic mother-in-law The Hag and the abuse that haunted my partner.

The Hag died in February 2024 aged 86 after ensuring she lived her worst life and making everyone’s life hell in the meantime. She is not missed.

we’re still dealing with the aftermath of her physical and emotional abuse of her children in many ways. Mr Monkey is in heavy duty therapy and doing OK. It’s been a tough year for him health wise and even something as ‘simple’ as writing out cards this evening to the nice people in his family is hugely triggering for him. We’ll get there.

Sending everyone love.

xxxx

Good to hear from you again Monkey.

twatalert

Do not acknowledge the parcel!. A response from you is what they want as they know they will have you then.

I would get rid of all of the Poundland tat bar the items your niece made. Do not give these things any more power than they perhaps already have.

It is also awful yet typical of your parents to use your niece here like they have. She did not realise she was being manipulated. Your parents have never looked out for you and you will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. They will continue also to use your niece as a means of getting back at you; they likely know how close you are to her.

Hello @MonkeyfromManchester - I interacted with you loads over that time with lots of different user names. I hope you are taking care of yourself as well as taking care of others xxxx

Could someone message me a link to the current Annex thread, if it's still going, please? Haven't been in a while and can't find it.

Hi, I've been following these threads for a number of years now due to my parents behaviour towards me. Just over a year ago they started their emotional blackmail etc on my DC and I decided that was it. I tried to talk to them about it and instead got loads of crap back about all the things I've done wrong and DH. I knew they never liked him but the things they said were so petty and spanning over 20 years it was ridiculous.

I went NC just over a year ago and it's been the best decision. Last year we weren't sure how long NC was going to last so ended up exchanging Christmas presents without seeing each other as I had already brought and wrapped them.

My parents can't see they have done anything wrong and I've had no direct contact from them since March. I do know my dad is furious that we're not indulging them and just playing happy families. I can't see a way forward as I'm not going to go back to doing what they want to keep them happy as it was making me anxious, stressed and miserable and I'm not letting them treat my DC the same way. They've also made it clear how they feel about DH.

Anyway, my dilemma, they've sent a present round via my sibling for DC, they don't want the present and refuse to open it. We feel we should send it back with a note saying we feel as we're not seeing them we can't accept it but don't know how to return it, by post? A relative?? And will it then cause a massive backlash if we do return the gift?