SEPTEMBER 2025 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

@Twatalert for me, it was my wedding dress. We were young when we got married, didn't have a lot of money, but anyone who even vaguely knows me would know the dress would be a big deal for me. I really didn't have any money and I went to look at really cheap dresses in a high street shop with my mother. I was at the time still desperately people pleasing and I wanted my mother to feel included and important. I tried a few on. Cheap fabrics, didn't fit properly, just bleugh. I look back now and know I was stupid, but I honestly thought she would look at them and say this isn't good enough, I will buy you a dress, let's go to a bridal boutique and fine something fabulous. Because after all I had bent over backwards to make sure she always got what she wanted, and I thought surely this is the moment when I will get the same in return. Lol no. I ended up with the cheapest one they had in that shop. I cried and cried in secret and was too afraid and too ashamed to admit I hated it, and by the time I had paid for my mother's outfit, and my brother's suit, and the 8 million other things my mother threw tantrums over, I couldn't afford a different one anyway. God that was a hard lesson to learn. It still hurts now.

Btw, when I finally admitted after the wedding that I hated that dress and felt embarrassed in it because it looked so cheap and didn't fit, my mother said she knew how I felt because she hated the outfit I bought her too.

Oh no my childhood gifts were amazing because other people could see them it was when I got that bit older and it was not part of my mothers performance that they got shite. As a kid I did get big token gifts but honestly I do not remember much about my childhood at all, I do remember the gifts but what 11 year old girl in the 1980's needed a 'double decker' tape player? It was not for me it was for other people to know I got the best one on the road. I even now feel guilty about it cos I really did not like it and it was a time people brought their tape players out on the road to their friends and I looked ridiculous with this huge sodding thing but being grateful was so far bet into me that even now I feel ungrateful for not liking it. It certainly was not what I asked for.

I wonder if you would mind my joining your thread. My husband's mother is so overly critical of him. We have been together for 15 years and he has only recently realised this. He can't do anything right with her, he never gets any praise, is constantly put down. His sister is always bragged about, and particularly her husband. Anything DH does is compared to them. Money is a very big thing in their family, his parents do not have a lot, but his Mum loves to brag about how well off his sister is. When DH got a promotion at work the response was 'about time' and 'well your sister's DH manages a team of 30 you only manage 1'

I hate having to visit his parents, I come away feeling depressed, the last time I was down for about 2 weeks. My tactic has always been not to say too much so as not to give her any ammunition, I have tried to instil this in DH over the years, but he still tries to impress her, he still seeks approval so he still tells her things.

She is a very negative person, she hates to see anyone happy (except her DD) She loves to gossip if it's about someone getting ill/dying/putting on weight. She hates to hear about anyone doing well, it gets met with a bulldog chewing a wasp face.

I recently heard that his Mum and DSis had described me as 'hard work', this will be from my tactic of not saying too much, and not entering into any of her negativity! If she tries to engage me in the put downs I often just don't reply, I'll just stare blankly, mostly as I'm usually too shocked to reply and don't want to cause more upset. I would love to come back with a cutting reply, but 1. It wouldn't come to me when I need it! and 2. It would only upset DH more. I just try to sing his praises as much as possible.

I've been reading through these threads a bit trying to come up with new tactics because clearly mine are not working!

DH is a very anxious person, he has no belief in himself. I'm starting to feel a bit positive that is he's starting to realise how much he's been put down all his life, he's starting to realise how much his Mum's put downs have affected his self esteem. Maybe he can work through it, now he sees it.

Even narcs come with different pathologies. You weren't ungrateful. You were disappointed because the gift was not really for YOU. It's some interesting insight. Mine would have NEVER bought me the best of anything because she'd not think I deserve anything like that. Now as a grandmother she wants to give the best present out of anyone to her grandchild, with the best meaning the most liked by the child. My niece once received TWO dolls for her birthday, one from my parents and one from another aunt. The gossip that ensued was unbelievable. Feeling threatened by a doll LOL.

Hiya, new to this thread. Gosh the gift giving thing is so insightful. I thought it was just a thing my own mother did due to being bat shit.

I remember being about 9 or 10 and asking for a magic kit for my birthday which was in the autumn. I made it clear that that was all I wanted. My birthday came and I got a weird mechanical building kit which I had zero interest in. I remember holding back the tears. Then a couple of months later a magic kit turned up in my younger brother's stocking from Santa and it hadn't been on his list at all. She's a nasty witch. I've gone no contact now, and asked her never to contact me again, but she sent Christmas cards the other day to my address. The Christmas cards are free ones which get sent out by a charity and she knows I get the exact same cards sent out to me and I also make a donation to them, and I keep them for myself, as I love the art work. So she's knowingly sent me a free Christmas card she knows I've got. I'm glad with no contact though I won't get my usual gift of a cheap pen, which is a relief.

When I was 17 and had moved in with other relatives, I was so embarrassed to have to tell people she'd sent me a box of biscuits for Christmas.

It's okay though, I just feel awkward that my daughter sees me get zero presents for my birthday or Christmas. I'm a bit skint this year due to driving lessons and paying for childcare after goign no contact with that toxic parent, but hopefully next year I can buy myself some nice bits around Christmas. I'm also writing a list of things which are nice and free which I can try and do for myself.

@Welikebeingcosy well done for stepping away & hopefully next year you can get yourself some nice bits. I'm using my new candle holders right now that I treated myself to. One was £40 and I would fear my mother's judgement so much. She would say something like 'god you must be loaded'. It is nice to just gift things to myself, although the disappointment that my parents could never create any kind of magic for me as a child never goes away. I lived in fear every single day.

Dsis gifts was the opposite she gave especially my dc lavish gifts holidays abroad for the 3 of them as they got older so to the outside world she was the rich generous aunt dm ended up paying for them as she would book them but couldn’t afford them. One year she surprised dd and us all by buying dd a horse we had to do all the taking dd to the stables mucking out and ended up helping fund the stable costs

all dc parties at home or after a party somewhere ended up being at her house I paid bought the food etc but invited her friends and always took the credit for it

her cat was very poorly before she was taking my dc abroad and I was going to be looking after him while she was away she told me earlier she had put his vet bills on her credit card but he took a turn for the worse called me at work as he needed to be pts could I lend her the money £900 i offered to pay the vet directly she insisted it would be easier if i transferred her the money i agreed turns out dm paid the vet’s directly my money was their spending money

so many examples and looking back so many red flags that i ignored

I got sidetracked replying about gifts but came on here to ask advice

I mentioned a while ago I had found out dm was now in a care home had to go through as to find out she was there as obviously dsis hadn’t told me and i was undecided if i should go and see her. I haven’t so far as it’s been over a year since I’ve seen her and I am in a much better place mentally and for me don’t want to rock the boat. I have accepted what dsis has done I can forgive the money side of things I can’t forgive the damage she has done to my relationship with dm and dm relationship with her gc but I am no longer angry and hurt i accept it and i don’t want any relationship with dsis because of that and I am at peace with that

when I was fighting to remain a relationship with dm i added the care home on social media i have now seen a post of dm looking very frail and i dont know what to do for the best for dm dc and me i can already feel myself spiralling Will me and dc now adults regret not seeing her there has been cognitive decline in dm will she remember us will it distress her seeing us i have no intention of mentioning finances i didn’t when she had capacity or do we just let her go and hold onto the fond memories we have of her.

A good home is where the heart is.

Welcome to this thread DaisyYellowGold

Your H certainly lucked out big time when it comes to his family of origin.

You do not mention his dad; is he still around?.

People from such dysfunctional families end up playing roles.

His sister is a carbon copy of her mother; a woman with some form of untreated and untreatable personality disorder (perhaps narcissistic personality disorder). She is the favoured golden child currently; a role not without price either thought she is unaware of that. The mother here is the matriarch of that family and acts she is the centre of the universe with all those around her being bit part players.

What if anything does your H know about her childhood because that often gives clues.

Your H for his part is the scapegoat; picked on and otherwise constantly subjected to mother's "disappointment" in him. He is mired in fear, obligation and guilt (those were installed by his mother) and likely believes the sky will fall down upon him if his mother gets "upset". He still seeks her approval, something she will never give him. He has received the Special Training to put his own self dead last with his mother first. His inertia when it comes to his family hurts him as much as you.

He needs therapy re his family of origin but if he is not quite there yet would he be willing to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point?. Once you start to see all this you cannot unsee it.

You as his wife are in turn scapegoated. If you go onto have children they will be scapegoated by them also. At the very least you both need to stay well away from his mother and sister as of now. He may well want to continue to try with them but that does not mean you have to. If your parents are nice and importantly are emotionally healthy, I would continue to foster relations with them.

I can understand your reactions i.e too shocked to say anything, disbelief that people do behave like this to fellow family members etc because you've likely never come across any dysfunctional family before now. The rule book re familial relations really does go out the window when it comes to such families. Cutting replies do not work on them as they see those as an attack so will retaliate accordingly and nor does appealing to their better nature (they do not have one). The best thing to do here is to not visit either of them ever again. With you and he out of the frame completely hopefully they will then further turn against each other.

Hi Spendysis

FWIW I would not go and see your mother. She never fact checked anything and just went along with what your sister said and wanted from her i.e her cash. You were never given any consideration here by either.

If your mother's cognition is impaired this may well distress you and your DC because you remember her as she was.

Have your adult children talked about her recently or expressed any wish to see her?.

I will put up an article separately about rocking the boat as it can also be a timely reminder for the forthcoming festive season.

Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the
situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your partner get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and your partner see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

My MIL is so crap at gift giving that she will ask my H to do a list of things he and I would like. He replies and in addition sends her links to these books etc on Amazon. So she really is doing bugger all here part from paying for said items. One year my present from Amazon was presented to me still in its cardboard!.
I remind DH every year to tell her not to get me anything.

In the early years of our marriage until I further wised up and ranted at DH about it we used to receive separate Christmas cards from her. Her late sister knew what she was really like and we got along really well; she could not abide either her sister or my FIL. I miss her very much.

DH then spoke to her and funnily enough the following Christmas we received a jointly worded card (though have never received one that says to my son and daughter in law on it). I used to show my friends the separate cards and all of them said how PA she is.

I read this earlier and have been thinking about it a lot. It occurred to me that what these people do is outsource everything, including the work of managing their own emotional state. But some people are expected to do more of the work than others (so one person can end up being the narc's PA, so to speak) and if they withdraw their services, everyone feels it, and puts pressure on the PA to go back to work. But at the end of the day the narc doesn't actually care who does the PA work as long as someone does it and will simply recruit someone else, though the original PA will be punished by all involved. They will also dump a PA without a second's thought if think there's a better offer. I've watched both my parents move on to someone else with incredible speed.

We put up our xmas tree today and my xmas anxiety just went through the roof. It's bonkers. I am trying to sit with the feeling and have no feelings about it either way. I can't even pin it down to a specific xmas incident, I just have this sense of creeping dread and wish it was over. It's the same every year.

Isnt it awful how the body remembers everything and we sometimes have no memories in our heads. It can hit you at any moment and you just have to somehow cope. It's one of the most difficult parts. I'm ok for now, but I'm aware that a small thing can tip me over and I will have no idea what or why.

Two years ago I thought I was feeling reasonably ok until Christmas morning when it was like my body suddenly remembered that it's Christmas and it couldn't possibly function and had to turn into a mess. It was like my mind had to completely surrender to it and trauma took over. What exactly that was i will never know. But I have cried and cried and cried and felt the pain so I hope something has been processed and won't paralyse me like that again.

What is it with gifts!!

I wrote my 'mother' (I call her by her real name so lets say Mel) a letter outlining my new boundaries, drove a 350km round trip after work and read it to her in the middle of November. Basically - you are free to do as you wish but I cannot be around when you are drinking. She promised everything, broke all promises immediately.

Two weeks of no contact from her, she messages to see what my DC want for Christmas.

NOTHING, NO STUPID THINGS. THINGS DO NOT = GOOD PARENT

We have a very complex relationship which I have posted about on MN several times. Basically from 6 weeks to 12 years she was in my life as much as suited her - usually 3/4 visits per year. Then moved me with her and my 'step dad' toxic is a word I only learnt recently and I think that was an understatement. They were drunk nightly, played me between them, got me drinking age 13, there was S.A. and P.A (but both on the lesser scale) huge amount of control and emotional abuse plus neglect though.

BUT it was fine because you go to good school, you're clean and have nice clothes. And don't forget I once took you to Disneyland

If you had already not gone to see her and drive 350km into the process I would have advised you not make that journey. Neither mother nor stepdad have changed and you needed to let go fully of any residual hope for change. Her priorities are alcohol and men.

I’d drop the rope re your mother and stepdad entirely and block then from being able to contact you. You are probably one of the last, if not the only person who bothers with her but she really is not worth bothering about. You owe them nothing let alone a relationship here.

NAPAC may also be of benefit to you if you want to contact them. What happened to you is entirely on them and it’s not your fault.

@pontipinemum Attila is correct.

As any mother with finite time, head space, physical and emotional energy - you need to be intentional about where it is focused and who it is prioritised on.

It needs to be on you and your growth from the emotional limitations that your negligent childhood inevitably left you with - so that you can be an even better more attuned, emotionally intelligent and resilient parent to your own children.

Intentionally focus every minute on this and you will be rewarded with beautiful, stable emotionally intimate relationships with your DCs into adulthood and they will be better equipped to be successful in this world.

With your mother your actions are ‘relentless hope’ which is totally ‘futile’. It’s the unhealed part of you which is the desperate baby and child still seeking connection with her caregiver to survive. But you are an adult now who needs to tend to the drives soothe the hurts of these inner child impulses and look to the facts of your current situation - which are that your DM is an entrenched alcoholic who even if she didn’t drink her emotional pysche is so polluted, distorted and unresolvable that she will continue to hurt you and in every action you are upset it impacts directed or indirectly on your DCs.

Choose their well-being each and every time if you can’t automatically emotionally protect yourself.

Cut her out of your life and mind and fill that relentless hole with healing and intentional focus on your DCs.

Have a look at the resources under Literature on this website. I found them so useful - for any negligent or abusive childhood not just one wrecked by alcohol:

https://adultchildren.org/

Thank you for your reply @AttilaTheMeerkat

DH is not ready to completely cut contact, but he has cut back an awful lot. He has only just started noticing these traits in his Mum. I've never really pointed it out because I didn't want to draw his attention to it if it wasn't affecting him. Obviously subconsciously it has affected him his whole life, but outwardly he let it wash over him.

His Father is still around and DH has an ok relationship with him, but he never pulls the Mum up on her put downs. In many ways he is the one in control of the relationship in that he controls his wife and the whole family. So there is that dynamic to deal with as well. Plus they openly dislike each other, but are together 24\7 and have no real life outside of their household.

Dh is having therapy and I'm hoping he will start speaking about this more now, and working through it. Previously he would not have a word said against his parents so therapy never really worked.

Thank you for the advice not to bother trying to come back with a reply/correcting her, I know really it won't have the desired effect. For now I will just try to keep subject matter neutral, when I have to see them. I need to work on DH to not share too much to give her ammunition.

My family is great and my DH loves spending time with them. There are no eggshells to walk around with them, everything is just easy. I'm sorry for everyone else on this thread who has to deal with awful families, I hope you have other sides of the family who are more fun.

https://adultchildren.org/laundry-lists/

This is the specific link re how a dysfunctional / negligent / abusive childhood colours our behaviours as an adult which are also inadvertently emotionally unhealthy for ourselves and our loved ones.

Hello again you lovely people. Haven’t been on the Stately Homes threads for a while. But every few years something comes up and I show up.

So here goes… (apologies it’s rather long)

I have not had a relationship with my mother for nearly 30 years. The last time I actually saw and spoke to her was 20 years ago at a sibling’s birthday party, and up until that point I hadn’t seen her for about eight years.

The last time I communicated with her by email was at least 10 years ago. And that very distant (emails/birthday cards etc) relationship which had been manageable ended with a vile couple of emails from her. I blocked her everywhere.

Early next year I will be going to a big event, an important one as it’s for a sibling I truly love and one of his children, and there will be lots and lots of people there, and one of them will be my mother. When I received the invitation to this event, I had a clash of dates and so initially said I wouldn’t be able to attend. My mother had not been invited, however once I said I wasn’t coming, she was invited and is going. My previous clashing engagement has been cancelled, so I am now in a position to go and have said that I will.

I want to be adult enough to attend this big party, but it is very hard to imagine how things could be if we come actually come face-to-face after all these decades. From her point of view, I am a bad daughter, unkind, etc. although I think deep down she knows that’s not true. I was actually a really good daughter and her behaviour has robbed her of the ability to have a relationship with me or my now adult children, very sad.

My plan for the evening is to be polite but fairly grey rock if we do actually come face-to-face, but I have worries that I might be drawn back in. Sadly, my mother is not equipped to have decent relationships. I am no longer angry or hurt really, have come to terms with it all, and I know that I made the right decision to protect myself and my children. I was not willing to allow myself to be abused. My mother is so damaged and she doesn’t actually realise what harm she does, and is very good at being a victim when she’s not being aggressive and unpleasant. Everyone else in the family knows exactly what she’s like so no flying monkeys nowadays (although many years ago it was different). I have one sister in law who enjoys stirring things but everyone else understands.
I guess with the amount of people that will be there I could actually avoid bumping into her. And maybe that’s what I need to do. I want to be an adult, I do not want any drama, I do not want to suddenly be reduced to my hurt child self. I was always afraid of her, but now I’m not sure…
There will be between 100 and 200 people there, it’s not all in one room, and there’s a garden area too. She will not stay late and a taxi will be booked for her at a specific time.

From what my other family members report, she still behaves appallingly (not all the time of course, she can be funny and charming like they all can) still is a nightmare to deal with, very demanding, very paranoid, utterly utterly self centred etc. so no mellowing with old age has happened.
I’m sure she is sad and angry that we haven’t had a relationship, I’m sure she blames me but deep down knows it’s her and not me, I even think she might be sorry, but she really doesn’t understand what she is and how she impacts people. She truly believes that we are her children and she can say anything she likes to us. Absolutely no filter. She also believes and always has, even when we were children, that we are responsible for her emotional wellbeing. And that is tough to fulfill when you are a child and you don’t even know that’s the wrong way round. If it was explained to her, she would definitely mock. She wouldn’t take responsibility. I actually think she’s a very damaged, insecure, totally emotionally unregulated tragic person.

Any thoughts on whether I should aim to avoid her at this do, or actually try to speak to her in a fairly grey rock way, would be greatly appreciated. I don’t know I’d she will be aware that I’ll be there. Normally I don’t have to think about her, but she’s in my head and it’s disturbing me. I want to feel prepared. It’s probably the last time I’ll ever see her if I do, as she is quite old now, and so am I!

Many thanks for reading if you got this far!

@FantasticButtocks I'm in your situation, but it's only been two years and I am still in the midst of healing. I will see my NC parents at my niece's birthday and have been running through scenarios in my head. I think an adult thing to do is to remain in charge of our emotions and behaviour but also keep boundaries that are in line with our values.

I do worry that I will crack and end up a crying hysterical mess. But I plan to grey rock because I'm not interested in a relationship and I don't think that's rude. I don't think it's rude to not seek a conversation or contact and it has nothing to do with not being an adult.

If it helps, my therapist said all I need to do is book flights and hotel. Nothing else needs preparation and the going through situations in my head is a fear response, which will keep me stuck until that day and possibly make it harder to cope. She's right, but it's not like I'm following her advice. In my head it's like I'm preparing to go into war.

Ooh @Twatalertvery useful thoughts from your therapist, thank you for sharing. Of course, we have been programmed to be vigilant and to try to keep safe, so all this crazy preemptive attempt to make a plan to stay safe is bound to fill our heads. The time I saw her after 8 years of no contact, I was absolutely terrified in advance of the event. When I saw her though, I said hello and even kissed her, and she asked me how my cats were!! (I have dcs and she didn’t ask about them) I left the conversation with politeness and grace and went to mingle.. avoided another encounter and I never saw her again!

Wow 30 years. Its a long long time. I have only been NC 2 years but the first year I actually shook with fear at the thoughts of bumping into my mother at her husbands nursing home. It was a horrible experience, nobody should ever have that feeling least of all about the woman who birthed us but it is very hard. Whatever you decide I will be thinking of you.

Just do the same again - safe in the knowledge she will be emotionally weaker from the attrition of bitterness that corrodes her from the inside out whilst you will be even stronger from the emotional protection you have put in place and the growth you have undergone by nurturing your emotional life. Remember you have legs … go over to her straight away, greet her as before and then turn on your heel and float off to embrace all the other wonderful people at the party. Keep your back to her as much as you can. Enjoy the night. Celebrate that taking that tough decision has paid dividends as the rest of the family clearly value and prioritised you. You’ve won. Enjoy it.