Am I Wasting My Time?

[Gingganggoo]

I'm an older woman in a relationship with a man my age. We've both been divorced years ago, have adult kids, but he was very damaged in his break up.
Here's the problem: he's made it clear he doesn't want it to be sexual between us, which I agreed to, as at first I really wasn't sure. He says he could never be "that way" with me - by which I take him to mean he doesn't want to be my lover. But eleven months in, I'm struggling - because I actually do want to be physical with him, now.
We sleep together, but no sexual things ever happen.
He won't let me discuss the reasons with him; I have tried, but he just shuts that kind of conversation down.
In every way we're like a couple, but I've started feeling odd that he isn't interested in me. He says he loves me, he loves to spend time with me, acts flirtatiously and, generally, really behaves like a "significant other". He buys me gifts and is so thoughtful. But sleeping next to him when we're together is driving me a little bit crazy!
Recently I almost made a move on him, but the idea of rejection is too awful.
Is this a lost cause? I can't bear to lose him by pushing it, but the frustration is a killer!
There's not just an elephant in the room for me, there's an entire herd.

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@GingganggooI fear this is a lost cause - when he said he didn’t want anything sexual, he meant it. I would stop bed sharing with him - he might be perfectly happy with the arrangement, but it’s driving you crazy with ‘what could be’ so it’s not fair on you.
Essentially he wants to be your friend. If you are prepared to forego the possibility of meeting a lover (and heaven knows that’s not guaranteed as we get older), you could stay with him in separate rooms/beds. I almost had a relationship with a similar guy, but couldn’t bear being mistaken for a ‘proper couple’ when we were out together, so I backed away. This above all else, to thine own self be true, I think is the saying.

He’s not a partner, he’s your platonic best friend.

Why would you accept this? He’s told you loud and clear from day one he’s not interested in having sex with you and for some inexplicable reason you went along with that

By all means stay friends but this isn’t a healthy adult relationship.

He has been incredibly clear from the start.
Why would you enter into a relationship with someone hoping they will change something they have set such clear boundaries on?
That's very unfair to him.

If it's that important to you - which is completely understandable - end the relationship and move on.
If you decide to stay, then respect him and his boundaries.

Oh why are you putting up with this?!!

You are sticking with a man who won't discuss what matters to you - and does not want the same sort of relationship as you. More fundamentally he doesn't care AT ALL about how you feel about any of. it and won't be open.

This to me sounds a form of abusive /controlling relationship - you are miserable but feel you 'can't walk away because of your own low self esteem making you think this is all you deserve

get some therapy and tell this man to shove off.

And no he hasn't been 'incredibly clear' and what he is expecting is highly unusual - if he wants a friend, why the intimacy of bed sharing?

HE isn't being clear, isn't talking about it - I mean, none of us know obviously but he could be gay and feel self loathing so likes to have a close friend to 'pretend' relationship with. Or he could be an abuse victim who can't have sex

either way, you are unhappy and he won't takl about it.

Maybe he wants a nurse with a purse, and someone to alleviate his boredom or loneliness.
It will wear your self worth down if it hasn't already.

He's probably impotent and won't seek treatment for it.

In that scenario a man with ED is usually very keen to show you what they can do with their fingers and tongue so this doesn’t sound like it’s the case.

He's your friend. I would definitely be telling him that you've changed your mind, you're not ready to hang up your knocking boots forever, and you would like a physical relationship, whether that be with him or someone else. He can then decide if he's up for that, or not and ideally, why. By 11 months in he's had plenty of time to get acquainted with you emotionally and get used to your close physical presence, and should be prepared to have a proper conversation about his feelings on the matter so you can make an informed decision about how you move forward.

You're his groupie.

Thanks for the replies so far. I know he isn't impotent, as I've noticed the evidence! I think he's lost his confidence - but he possibly feels too embarrassed to discuss it. I did give him a long message saying it's understandable to be concerned, that I've had years off too etc. I said I would be highly sympathetic to any concerns. He just didn't answer that message, changed the subject and continues to deflect.

I haven't got the confidence to plant a big snog on him unasked for, and, anyway, wouldn't that be crossing a line.

I think we're actually in love now; old school me needs physical corroboration! I'm losing sleep over this.
(I don't know how to reply individually!)

If you want a romantic relationship that includes sex, yes, you're wasting your time. He's told you flat out he can never be with you sexually. He set boundaries that you agreed to. He's a friend that you're trying to turn into a lover even though he's said that will never happen.

The separate beds is something I did suggest a few months ago. If I'm honest, I love the comfort of being in bed with him. Even so, I don't think you're wrong.
I need to make a decision.

Outerspacepotato - I didn't go into this thinking to change his mind. I agreed to close companionship because, nearly a year ago, that felt right. My feelings have developed, so have his.

I am reluctant to end things, but the co-sleeping is affecting my libido!!

You say you think you are both in love? Is he loving and affectionate towards you in other ways then or just good company? If not l think you might be, but it doesn't sound like he is. You need to insist on an honest talk to find out exactly what he wants from the relationship, and tell him how you feel too. Don't sleep in the same bed any more until you know where you stand.

Seaoftroubles
Yes, he holds my hand, hugs me, gets emotional when we part and tells me he loves me.
Recently, he's tentatively kissed my lips a few times, and he is generally very affectionate. He calls me a lot, most days, in fact - and sends texts and memes etc.
It's very confusing!

I think you just need to bring yourself to chat to him and explain that you need more from the relationship and you understand that it’s your feelings that have changed, and perhaps his haven’t but you need to know. If it is just a platonic relationship he is still seeking then you will need to walk away.

What a stupid response , the guy made things perfectly clear

if the OP is not happy with the situation she is the one who should “shove off “

@Gingganggoo That does sound very confusing. I think the only way forward is honest and open conversation. Be brave and tell him you are confused as he is giving you mixed messages and you need clarity. Explain your feelings have changed and that you now really want an intimate relationship with him. If he can't or won't open up then you may have to consider ending things.

I do think the "offer" was manipulative. It keeps OP entangled whilst keeping options open.

Either be her true platonic friend or someone who is intimate with her (being crude, assume he has fingers?).

If he just offered a platonic friendship, then OP would choose to date others and not prioritise him time-wise. Offering this weird asexual thing keeps her exclusive.

There are some older men who only are attracted to a certain physical type/younger women, but know they can't get one, and get lonely

.....So they look for someone available for companionship and stability but if that certain physical type/younger woman was available they'd be there like a shot.

OP what do you know about this guys friendships or life away from you? Could he be leading a double life or dating others?

Have you got a nice house and domestic environment and financial stability? Does he come to yours a lot?

You say he calls you so assume he's away a lot and you don't actually know what he's doing?

You often find this type simping for younger women and if asked about their "relationship" they say its just friendship or platonic.

You’ve got to try and get him to open up about this somehow. Maybe it was SA in his childhood
Has he been married/ had children? Is there evidence he was ok about sex in the past?
He’s keeping you in the dark and that’s not fair.
I would brace yourself to walk away if you can’t resolve it.
Youve been a very patient and understanding partner so far, but you need to state clearly your needs too

Tbh, I agree with Boredchattex

I'd assume he liked the idea of having a girlfriend/partner and I brought a lot of positives to the the table but he just wasn't attracted to me sexually.

You know when you read threads on here by women who've met someone who should be perfect; who is perfect 'on paper' but they they just don't fancy them and cant bear the thought of having any sexual contact with them and ask if that matters? I'd assume he decided it just didn't matter to him.

He likes the affectionate, holding hands, hugging side of it because those things are all nice and fairly neutral. We hold hands with our children and hug our friends etc.

He obviously has sexual feelings and urges if you've 'seen the evidence'. So he has a sex life of sorts going on somewhere. It just doesn't include you.

And no he hasn't been 'incredibly clear' and what he is expecting is highly unusual - if he wants a friend, why the intimacy of bed sharing?

From the OP

he's made it clear he doesn't want it to be sexual between us, which I agreed to, as at first I really wasn't sure. He says he could never be "that way" with me

So, yes, perfectly clear.

It might be 'highly unusual' but that isn't the same as 'unclear'.

If the OP isn't happy with it now (she was at the beginining), she can end it.

I doubt he's going to change his mind even if you give got over the fear of rejection and told him how important this is to you, or even gave him an ultimatum. Help is available for things like this and he hasn't sought it out. All you can do is decide if this relationship with no sex ever is something you can live with happily enough, or if you want to maintain this relationship with him but have other relationships too, or if this is a dealbreaker and you leave him so you can potentially find a partner/relationship without this major (to you) flaw. But I suspect it's not as simple as saying "I'll settle because there's good stuff and I may not find something better", because I would guess that his sexual rejection and blanket refusal to even try probably come across as pretty hurtful. Only you know how to weigh up all these factors against what's most important to you and what you can live with.

Your doing a lot of second guessing here.

I think the decision is very black and white.

1. You either accept his views and carry on as you are.
2. you don’t and leave him.

it’s perfectly fine for him to feel like this and it’s also perfectly fine for you to find that after thinking you would be ok with it, you actually aren’t.

Planting big snogs on him or making a move would be crossing a boundary so don’t do it.