Am I Wasting My Time?

[Gingganggoo]

I'm an older woman in a relationship with a man my age. We've both been divorced years ago, have adult kids, but he was very damaged in his break up.
Here's the problem: he's made it clear he doesn't want it to be sexual between us, which I agreed to, as at first I really wasn't sure. He says he could never be "that way" with me - by which I take him to mean he doesn't want to be my lover. But eleven months in, I'm struggling - because I actually do want to be physical with him, now.
We sleep together, but no sexual things ever happen.
He won't let me discuss the reasons with him; I have tried, but he just shuts that kind of conversation down.
In every way we're like a couple, but I've started feeling odd that he isn't interested in me. He says he loves me, he loves to spend time with me, acts flirtatiously and, generally, really behaves like a "significant other". He buys me gifts and is so thoughtful. But sleeping next to him when we're together is driving me a little bit crazy!
Recently I almost made a move on him, but the idea of rejection is too awful.
Is this a lost cause? I can't bear to lose him by pushing it, but the frustration is a killer!
There's not just an elephant in the room for me, there's an entire herd.

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Boo

Do you think you could gently ask him if he is still feeling the same way about all of that, OP? Or do you think even that would freak him out?

I know he was a late starter, yes - he's been married and has four children. He was in some other long term relationships before and after, but I think the acrimonious situation between his ex and himself cut him deep. He struggles to trust as a result.

I'm not ready to call time, yet. I get a lot of positive things from how we are but, I admit, I'm going through a wishful thinking phase.

I've got a lot of thinking to do.

Hi again @Gingganggoo, it doesn't really matter whether he is dismissive or fearful avoidant, the avoidant bit is what is causing this behaviour. Most of the time with men this comes down to issues with their mums! At least that is where it starts.

I agree with other PPs that you sound lovely. I can only tell you from my experience that I could have written what you have written - mine was sometimes so lovely to me. That is what was so confusing.

He also lost control of himself and smacked my butt on occasion. Can you not see that that is so inappropriate if he sees you as a friend? The spooning, exiting the bed when he is aroused. It's all a head fuck. If he truly cared about how YOU felt would he do those things? Knowing the feelings you have for him?

When I was in my situation I too convinced myself that what I had with him was better than nothing. That there were worse guys out there. In reality there were/are much better guys out there also but I didn't realise that until I got out.

The thing about a situation like this is that it eats at you over time. I'm securely attached and always been pretty confident but he ate away at my self esteem with the constant rejection - mine also would refuse/very rarely give compliments. I look back on it and feel very sad for that version of me.

I'm pretty sure you'll stay with him for now. I've been where you are. I just hope you remember someone saying this to you. You deserve more than this. I promise you there are better men than this out there. This is a broken man and at his age I doubhe very much he will ever heal And he shows no signs at all of even wanting to.

If you truly are happy with this then I wish you all the happiness in the world. I would just be very careful that this doesn't take an invisible toll on you. Look up intermittent reinforcement - it is what avoidants do and it is as addictive as heroin - that is what makes you feel like you can't bear to leave because you focus only on the good moments.

Agree with the PP. This is so weird OP! And what a shame so much energy is expended into trying to figure out what on earth is going on. It’s not fair to you, especially as he’s shut down any feelings of comfort in discussing your feelings, which you have every right to. And he should be checking in on. That you are worried he will end it if you even ask about it is everything… you can’t have a truly loving relationship while you’re essentially being given a gagging order

BrunetteBarbie94
Nothing you say is a surprise - and you're almost certainly correct. I've gone over these things in my head and yes, it does all fit too horribly well. I don't feel "eroded", however, although I fully recognise the issues.

I alternate between thinking I should settle and feeling cross that I can't drag him out of his hiding place and into the light. Sometimes he spontaneously opens up and it's as if a light has switched on in a dark room.
But. When we do have a breakthrough, I know I'll get a period where he will slightly withdraw for a few days. He's in a mildly restrained period right now, whereas last week he was open, affectionate and super attentive. He's always fun, sweet to me and engaging - but I can read him very well now.

I am taking this all in, so don't feel I'm dismissing you - I think I have a vague deadline developing in my head for the end of this year. It's nothing concrete, but if I can't progress this soon, I think I will naturally start to pull back.

Your comments are appreciated. x

AnotherNaCha
Yes. That's a very good point. When it's good, its great - but I do feel increasingly miffed that he just doesn't even try!

Pezdeoro41
Thank you.

In my vague plan I'm going to give it a little bit more time, but yes. I plan to ask him.
I've only decided this evening. But it has to happen.

Hello.
Just a heads up - of you want to answer posters individually you click on the QUOTE button. It's under every post on the left.

OP this is painful to read. Where's your self respect?

You're a warm body and company. He doesn't want a sexual relationship with you. When he gets an erection and has a willing participant next to him, he leaves the room?

Stop gaslighting yourself. He's chucked in a bit of spooning, an arse slap here and there and 'tentative' kisses to keep you hanging around. It took a year to get that far. A year.....

You're hoping for something he categorically stated he didn't want. This man has had long term relationships, casual flings and four children. He's not 'avoidant' or 'dismissive' he's just doesn't want that with you.

I bet he's loving all this. The 'pick me dance' usually involves two women. There's only you in the running and he still doesn't choose you. What an horrendous level of control you've given over to him.

I'm just waiting for you or someone to suggest couples counselling........

He's shown you what's on offer. Either accept it or find a more fulfilling situation elsewhere.

Oh thank goodness. It's been driving me nuts not knowing how to do it!

I didn't respond to this before, as the wording felt a tad harsh. Ive desensitised a little since then, and thank you for taking the time to comment.

In general, I'm a pretty balanced out person in this life. On this particular issue, I don't actually need therapy, it's just been bothering at me - but I was looking for a bit of wisdom and guidance.
Thankfully, there have been many kind and understanding replies. I feel a lot more equipped to make decisions (either way) going forward, due to the "kindness of strangers".

I just want to say, as a general point, that this man doesn't act abusively or in a controlling way per se, as has been suggested a little on here. He's very careful of my feelings in all other ways, but he's got a gigantic blind spot with this scenario. Yes, he's been resisting my attempts to draw him out, but he is definitely responding defensively. I've heard so much of his history and I can clearly see how a lifetime of building safety barriers has led to this behaviour.

Whatever part he played in his marriage break-up, he was severely affected by it and it's added to childhood loss and bereavement issues that have haunted him all his life. He isn't a hateful person, he's got some broken bits - as do most of us.

In the end, however, I'll have to make a decision based on what's best for me, hence my request for advice.

And thank you ALL so very much. I'm seeing things with far more clarity, thanks to every reply on here.
Sorry I'm so thick I didn't know how to respond individually!

This did make me chuckle!

I’ve not described him as abusive, but this avoidant attachment style and pattern of relating (intermittent reinforcement, breadcrumbing, withdrawal) is dysfunctional and often toxic in relationships. It can have an insidious effect on your self confidence and happiness over time, as you are essentially compromising intimacy for someone who cannot respect your feelings enough to have a conversation about it. Shutting down topics of conversation, minimising and deflecting can lead to you doubting the validity of your feelings. You are not ‘too much’ for having sexual feelings!

He clearly has longstanding issues around intimacy and relationships that he is not able or willing to unpack. I think that setting an internal date for yourself is a very wise idea, so that you are checking in with yourself and stay cognisant of the situation. There are men out there who can offer you a full and functional relationship, but by staying in this situation you have no chance of meeting them. It is your decision but make sure you value and prioritise yourself here. That is what he is doing after all.

He’s getting what he needs from the relationship and is unlikely to change. Tell him you’re going to move on and look for someone else.

Yes, its a valid view, except that I wasn't keen on the sex myself, initially. It hasn't been a whole year of me wishing things were different - we've grown closer, especially since the summer.

I readily agreed to platonic, when it was suggested - but my feelings have definitely changed. And yes, it's very galling to have to admit he doesn't fancy me. Who wants to feel undesirable? I can't blame him for that, as I didn't fancy him at first, either, though I welcomed his friendship.

I'm the one who has changed. It would be very easy for me to batter him on here, but I have to take responsibility for my part in all this.

And he's not a shallow user. We have a great friendship, where we support each other, enjoy going out and there's a great deal of laughter between us. I'd be a liar if I pretended he's a narcissistic, controlling a-hole. He's really good company and I've chosen to stick around, rather than bail out.
He makes me laugh, has great conversations with me, takes me out and about and provides friendship, companionship and loyalty. I'll take that over a twat who can't pick up after himself, who stares at a tv all day and always puts his own needs first, even if he can't keep his hands off me.

At 62, I'm pretty happy I've got this man in my life. Yes, I'd like it all - but it's me who moved the goalposts. I've seen that more clearly from reading people's input.

But yes, I did come here for advice, which I thank you for most gratefully. Every view has value.

Yes, thank you for that. And no, YOU haven't used the word abusive, but others have.

Your contributions have been very helpful. ❤️

I'm getting a lot too. Just not sex. 😆

I don't mean to be rude but stop bothering him for sex.

He just wants friendship and there is nothing wrong with that, if you cannot handle that then move on.

You have changed the goalposts of how much you want, I think you thought you could work on him and demolish his boundaries with time.

I also think you were attracted to him in some way when you first met, slightly dienguenuous saying your feelings towards sex at the beggining were inlign with his.

If this were a man stating he wanted sex and the female didn't there would be very different answers.

He set a boundary very early on in the relationship, an odd boundary, but still a boundary, and he has a right to do that.

You said you were happy to agree to that boundary.

Now you want him to change his boundary. That doesnt really seem fair.

If you want a physical relationship, then you will need to meet someone else.

Part of me thinks this is a reverse from a man who has met a woman who has said no to a physical relationship.

I haven't bothered him once, I promise you.

To enlarge on that, initially I felt he wasn't my type but over the summer, I started feeling differently. I've held my hands up to my responsibility for all this, been as honest as I was able. I never come on to him or ask him for more. I haven't been secretly working on him in the hope he'll suddenly jump on me!
But I'm not dead from the neck down.

I've come to the conclusion I need to either put up or shut up, tbf. I've got an end of year deadline in my head for a review. I'll call a meeting with myself and consider options.

Thanks for your response. All useful

No, I'm just saying it like it is. No hidden agenda.
The reason I'm so reluctant to follow advice to bring it up with him is precisely because I don't want to be unfair to him. My question was to ask whether I should move on.

I've had a lot of food for thought as a result.

You say you're not dead from the neck down, but you've entered into a relationship where that's the expectation. You got an earnest text asking if you could just be friends, you agreed, and that's what you are. You're friends, with an inappropriate and confusing bed sharing arrangement. You can of course choose whatever relationship you like, and with this one, I would be very aware that over time it's likely to erode your self esteem and set up self doubt and rumination, while you try to second guess what's going on. On his part, he will be aware of what you want, and will likely be having his own uncomfortable feelings which will wear on him over time.

The glaring issue for me here wouldn't be the sex, or lack of it, it would be the inability to communicate with each other. You are close, to a point, but if this was a truly close and intimate relationship you'd be having the conversations, and working through this together rather than spending your time wondering what the hell is going on.

Sorry if I've missed you answering this, but why can't you just keep him as a friend (but without the bed sharing - that's obviously confusing you and giving you mixed messages) and date other people for the physical side? I'm sure you're not the first person to have feelings for a friend that aren't reciprocated. It sounds tough, but you can be in control here.