Am I Wasting My Time?

[Gingganggoo]

I'm an older woman in a relationship with a man my age. We've both been divorced years ago, have adult kids, but he was very damaged in his break up.
Here's the problem: he's made it clear he doesn't want it to be sexual between us, which I agreed to, as at first I really wasn't sure. He says he could never be "that way" with me - by which I take him to mean he doesn't want to be my lover. But eleven months in, I'm struggling - because I actually do want to be physical with him, now.
We sleep together, but no sexual things ever happen.
He won't let me discuss the reasons with him; I have tried, but he just shuts that kind of conversation down.
In every way we're like a couple, but I've started feeling odd that he isn't interested in me. He says he loves me, he loves to spend time with me, acts flirtatiously and, generally, really behaves like a "significant other". He buys me gifts and is so thoughtful. But sleeping next to him when we're together is driving me a little bit crazy!
Recently I almost made a move on him, but the idea of rejection is too awful.
Is this a lost cause? I can't bear to lose him by pushing it, but the frustration is a killer!
There's not just an elephant in the room for me, there's an entire herd.

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Boo

I think it sounds like a lost cause because your needs aren't being met: and he won't even discuss it to help you understand his reasons or if it ever could change.

Reading this makes me feel sad for you. All his needs are being met, while you are twisting yourself into knots pondering deeply on everything. Been there, done that. It’s painful.

I think you’re both subconsciously clinging onto each other to avoid the pain of the accepting that the ‘relationship’ is not viable. I’m not sure how you’ve ended up sharing beds, spooning etc. if there was a clear understanding from early on that this was friendship only? I don’t share beds with friends, let alone cuddle them etc.

It seems torturous. Perhaps a frank conversation? You can be great friends but the physicality needs to stop. No bed sharing. No cuddling. No hand holding. If he can’t accept that, you know where you stand. I know you want to believe he’s a wonderful man, but he will be fully aware how you feel and the effect on your emotions, yet is willing to carry on as his needs ultimately are the priority.

"People don't share beds with friends"

Unless they are cocklodgers, without the cock in this case.

I can't disagree with you here. We've been together on a trip the past few days, with people's advice pretty much ringing in my ears. It's been very useful to have this discussion, honestly. And obviously, even if I squash this back down, it will rear it's ugly head again.

The thing I'm feeling right now is that we obviously do have a strong bond between us, but it's on his terms sexually. Unfortunately, I did tell him I didn't feel a spark back at the beginning - he definitely thinks that's still the case. And he never tries anything even mildly that would give me an opening. Apart from lip kissing goodbye etc, we've never even snogged!

I would hate to lose him from my life, but I'm reconsidering this on different levels.

I've tried dating sites but they make me lose the will to live! However. There is another interested party, but I've kept him at bay as I'd have felt as if I was "cheating". Obviously, that's ridiculous. I might get in touch and see what happens. He's free, nice and definitely wants the whole sexual thing. I've known him from afar for about two years and he's attractive and good fun. Even if it doesn't turn into "true love", I guess I want to feel desired (I feel a bit daft saying that, but it's true). Plus I don't want to make my current guy feel uncomfortable by blurting out something and portraying myself as desperate for sex! He doesn't deserve me pushing him in a corner.

Sometimes, though, you justneed to take a chance.

How do I tell him? 😔

Yes, definitely see what might happen with this other interested man! What do you mean how do you tell him? How would you usually tell a friend you're going on a date?

If you can't raise the issue of how you feel, but you also can't tell him you're going on a date, it doesn't sound like the great friendship you want it to be?

I would absolutely go on a date with another interested party, and see if that's something you would like to explore.

I would say that unless you are able to have a conversation about renegotiating things or unless you get some kind of sign that he's interested in developing things into a physical intimate relationship, you're free to do what you wish romantically and sexually with whoever you want.

I think that if a man is interested in you romantically, he will make that very clear. Whether or not you've said at the start you didn't feel a spark, he could periodically check in with you to see if anything has changed for you if it was something he was interested in. And you're allowed to want to be desired, why wouldn't you? You can have wants, and be plain about them, and pursue them.

I would have a very honest talk, in private, with your current partner and be open about the other interested party who would be interested in a sexual relationship (no need to mention his name). And see what reaction you get

i think that will determine where this goes next

Thank you to everyone who has answered. I think I know where I need to go next, and I've given myself a Christmas deadline.
I am going to try to reconnect with the other person, and see where it goes. I don't fancy talking about it, but I have to.

I know its going to get awkward! Still, something has to happen! I go forward, armed with all this great advice!

"Yes, he's been resisting my attempts to draw him out, but he is definitely responding defensively. I've heard so much of his history and I can clearly see how a lifetime of building safety barriers has led to this behaviour."

What are you trying to "draw out" in your numerous "attempts"? What does he have to defend?

He doesn't owe you sex. There's nothing wrong with him not being attracted to you.

@ColdCatch is right - it seems you only agreed to a friendship so you could embed yourself in his life and collect information and change his mind and gradually become a couple.

Surely the lack of sex is because you're not a couple or dating or romantically involved.

You're not and have never been in an asexual relationship. You're a platonic friend who is offering yourself on a plate and he still doesn't want you.

I get the impression its been you suggesting a lot of the "date style" activity (trips, bed sharing, contact) and he's agreeing and going along with the flow.

If you stopped contacting him and planning things and turning up at his physically, he wouldn't chase you and you wouldn't spend so much physical time together.

He's a lot more important to you than you are to him.

If you decided to sleep in the spare room he wouldn't follow you in or invite you to his bed.

If you dated other men he wouldn't care or even be interested unless you instigated a conversation.

I've known people like this IRL and its completely obvious the friend they're fixated on isn't that into them in that way eventually ends up a bit scared of them. Their narrative is just all skewed.

They will suggest John goes on say a spa break (as friends, paying half) then afterwards say "John took me out on a romantic spa break, that proves I mean something to him".

John may have enjoyed the time and been polite and attentive and done the driving, but they certainly would be shocked at the other persons interpretation!

Actually, you're completely wrong. I've tried to end things twice and he very much wasn't prepared to "let it go". The bed sharing is his idea and he's booked us into hotels and paid out for tickets to concerts, for meals and all sorts.
I'm not desperate and I'm not predatory, either. At no point have I tried to foist myself on him.

If you'd read my input, you'd understand this as well as most other people who have responded.

I already know he's going to be sad if I date others, as we have been through this previously. He's told me that he's more open with me than anyone he's ever met - but yes, he obviously is reluctant about it being sexual. I'm having to admit it's never going to happen.

I haven't just been hanging on, like a barnacle to a rock - but I asked the question as I was feeling unsure about it all.

You've got it arse backwards.

Laughed at this. Yes. Point taken.

I've read some of the updates and please just ignore the PPs suggesting you have been chasing him. People can't understand a situation like this unless theyve been in one! It all sounds weird because it is - but its not you at all! This is a very damaged man. You will never fix him and he will not one day wake up and be normal. Truly ask yourself whether what you feel for him is based on who he is now or the potential of him i.e. If he was consistent all the time/didnt withdraw/could give compliments etc/words and behaviour matched.

You say you didnt fancy him at the beginning (that was my case also!), i wonder whether you are objectively the much more physically attractive one. That was my case. If so, im sure no one would accuse you of desperately chasing him in real life!

You have nothing to lose by dating the other guy and your 'friend' has no right to be anything other than fine with It. He won't be of course. Mine would find fault with anyone i dated and be overjoyed when i broke up with them most of the time because of my conflicting feelings for him.

I would also say that some of the BEST advice i ever received was that if you date/have any kind of relationship with someone emotionally unavailable then you are emotionally unavailable too and you need to work out why. In my case, i was bereaved and deep down far more scared of something real than remaining in my faux relationship. What i learned was that the faux relationship could hurt me badly too - just in a different way.

Sending you love and understanding. You deserve It all.

@BrunetteBarbie94

So did you overcome these problems, are you together now ?