Am I Wasting My Time?

[Gingganggoo]

I'm an older woman in a relationship with a man my age. We've both been divorced years ago, have adult kids, but he was very damaged in his break up.
Here's the problem: he's made it clear he doesn't want it to be sexual between us, which I agreed to, as at first I really wasn't sure. He says he could never be "that way" with me - by which I take him to mean he doesn't want to be my lover. But eleven months in, I'm struggling - because I actually do want to be physical with him, now.
We sleep together, but no sexual things ever happen.
He won't let me discuss the reasons with him; I have tried, but he just shuts that kind of conversation down.
In every way we're like a couple, but I've started feeling odd that he isn't interested in me. He says he loves me, he loves to spend time with me, acts flirtatiously and, generally, really behaves like a "significant other". He buys me gifts and is so thoughtful. But sleeping next to him when we're together is driving me a little bit crazy!
Recently I almost made a move on him, but the idea of rejection is too awful.
Is this a lost cause? I can't bear to lose him by pushing it, but the frustration is a killer!
There's not just an elephant in the room for me, there's an entire herd.

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Boo

You are wasting your time, when he told you very clearly that he didn't want a sexual relationship.

If your needs have now changed, you'll either need to end the relationship or ask to have sex outside this relationship. You have no business trying to 'communicate ' this man into having sex he's told you he doesn't want.
You need to respect his boundaries.

I think the absolute refusal to discuss it, leaving you confused and upset, is the worst part of all this tbh.

Could he be gay do you think op?

I love my DH. We sleep together, cuddles but I don't want anything more. Not with him not with anyone. It's just the way I am; no libido. Therefore I sympathise with your d0 @Gingganggoo . He May love you and be in love with you but is just not interested in sex. Tske it or leave it.

Bitoutofpractice
Hi, this is a common theme. I don't believe so, no. Of course, plenty of women get the big surprise without having had a clue. However, I see his interactions with women (on a casual level) and with me, but there's not a hint of that.
Don't think I haven't wondered!

articpandas
Yes, I hear you loud and clear. Although when we first met we used to talk about actually having sex at some point. Then, one day, I got an earnest text asking if we could just be friends.
Eventually there was a heated discussion where I tried to end the whole thing, but somehow he talked me round.
Now, many months later, he's more touchy feely, cuddly in bed and clearly into me. My body is getting mixed messages!! I don't want to ruin it, but I'm very conflicted at times.

Dweetfidilove
I had this conversation and he agreed, saying I have every right to see other men as were friends. He also admitted he'd find it difficult.
But trust me, I've looked - there's nobody who fits the way he does. He's such a witty, tolerant and easy to get on with man that he's set the bar high. We have a lot of the same interests and, thankfully, My grown up kids love him.

We really do mesh together brilliantly.

This sex thing is my only concern, but it's a biggie!

I was seeing another guy at one time, before him, but he was so unreliable. Fun, into me, but up and down and chasing his various demons. Mr Currently is sorted, not perfect, but hard working, non smoking, only occasionally drinking, always up for shopping trips if I ask, days out, weekends away, just so easy going in all other ways.
I joined a couple of dating sites, but eventually I lost interest. Nobody was even tweaking a smidgen of interest for me.
Is there a libido suppressant I can buy??? (Just kidding.)

When you say older woman , how old are you?

It sounds like he’s asexual…

This whole scenario is unusual, but ultimately yes you’re wasting your time. You want a sexual relationship and he doesn’t so you’re fundamentally incompatible.

Jamnpancakes
I'm in my sixties now. He's a little bit older.
After reading all the responses, I'm feeling I should take what I've got and stop whining. He did say he didn't want a romance; I did agree!

It's not as if I want to dangle from the chandeliers in a gimp suit - but I started longing to feel desired once more! Even so, no amount of nookie can replace the otherwise very close relationship I have with him. I'd hate to lose that, though if I insist on pushing the point, I might ruin everything!

I don't believe we're incompatible. Almost a year we've lived this non sexual life and we've had such a lovely time.

I need to accept he doesn't fancy me but he does love me - not all love has to be about sex, I guess. I think I might just be hankering after "one last romantic adventure" - but that's not too mature of me, really!!!

Shorts
It's helped me to "talk" about this - and yes, I agree. It would be a wrong move . He's very strict about not crossing lines, which tells me it wouldn't be welcome. He wouldn't take liberties like that, I know.

I sometimes get confused as the messages are often so mixed.

I recently went out with him with two of his daughters and he seemed so kind of proud to have me with him (best way I can put it) that I wondered if he was changing his mind. I think, now, it was wishful thinking! Weirdly, though - I'd feel I was cheating, I think, if I had sex with somebody else!

Somebody find me a shrink. :)

Mitherations
This discussion has helped me a lot. I think far more of him than a bit of hanky panky can justify, if it was to eventually ruin our whole relationship.

People have made valid points - including you. However, I really can't force a conversation where I demand some kind of "do over". He's told me honestly that he doesn't want the full deal. I need to grow up and accept it, or grow a pair and walk away.

Growing up seems better

It sounds like you are getting quite a lot out of the relationship ( companionship, affection, etc) so you have to weigh it up and decide if you would miss all of that if you were to walk away just because you don’t get 10mins of sex every week or so

Someone2025
Yes and I think this discussion has helped me understand that.

Even so, I'm having a spot of trouble dealing with the "physicality" of it all. I think that, even if I banned sleeping together, I'd still be getting that craving for intimacy. I'm hoping it will calm down given time, given that he isn't making overtures.

I do get a sneaky voice in my head saying, "Whats wrong with me?" Not useful, very intrusive but it's there.

Somebody wondered if he's asexual, but no. He's a bloke, he likes women and used to date a lot. He gave it up to be with me, which again makes me wonder, "So why doesn't he....?"

Its a tricky one.

Surveille222
Yes, youre describing things that are extremely similar for us. We did start out thinking it would be a proper relationship - then we both got the slight frights. He suggested a closely bonded friendship - relieved I agreed.

But recently a kind of yearning has started up. He isn't my usual type, but I get pangs of envy about his stories of other women, from the past. I know he has similar struggles.

He's said wonderful things like how he's never had this closeness with anyone ever before. That makes me feel so flattered, because he means it. He's a sweet natured man and I know he values us incredibly highly.

Sounds like you've managed to snag all that, too, but without this quite intrusive need to "consummate"!!

I couldn't bear to drive him away.

Hi @Gingganggoo,

Contrary to most PPs opinión, i would be very careful about continuing down this path with him.

I am lot younger than you but lived a very similar experience: we started off dating then agreed to be "Friends" and then i lived in a state of confusion for years. The mixed messages were insane. Like you, telling me He loved me, behaving like a OH, spooning me every night (with an erection), commenting on my body sexually etc etc all whilst insisting that he was too scared to have sex with me.

It took a toll on me. I am a young woman who used to be a model so not at all unattractive and i could see he was attracted. His words and actions didnt match at all. Words were a hard no and actions all yes/confusing. For years i thought he would realise what he truly felt but in the end i broke Up with him because he was damaging me/causing me anxiety and blocking me from meeting someone normal.

I later realised he was a dismissive avoidant and couldn't bear to mix a physical and emotional connection because of his fear of intimacy. He was happy to have sex with women he didnt care about. In fact was a player. He had big problems expressing his emotions etc etc.

We are at different stages in our lives but that doesnt mean you can't want a man who wants to have sex with you. I disagree strongly with all the people who say he told you he just wanted to be Friends! Friends do not sleep in the same bed and It sounds like your guy gets physically aroused by you as mine did.

Protect your own heart. I really regretted the years i wasted with mine and he got really nasty when i decided to end It as he loved the validation he got from me and wanted that to go on forever. The reality was he knew what i wanted and didnt care about me and what was right for me.

I do feel for you OP, this sounds frustrating and very disappointing for you. I know l would have to risk him ending things as l would want to know why he didn't want a full relationship. He's giving you all the wrong signals, sleeping in the same bed, telling you he's never felt this close to anyone etc. Also you both entered the relationship with the intention of it moving into a 'real relationship' and I think you risk the current situation affecting you increasingly negatively as you are already yearning for more.
Speak to him. Find out exactly why he doesn't want to be intimate, then at least you will know and can make your decision with clarity. If you accept his reasons but still want his companionship then do not sleep in the same bed and stop physical contact.
As@BrunetteBarbie94 says, protect your heart.

BrunetteBarbie94
This is a very interesting response. I did consider this - but eventually came to the conclusion he might be a fearful avoidant, rather than dismissive. He doesn't "openly" get aroused and pulls away if he does - he doesn't acknowledge it's happened, but suddenly just has to get out of bed for one reason or another. But he does like touching me, under all kinds of pretense, like play-fighting etc.

I know a lot of his history and there are certainly serious attachment issues with his mother due to ill health (hers). I think this has been compounded by the very damaging split from his wife of thirty years - she cheated on him and their break up was incredibly acrimonious. She then used her affairs to goad him and created massive insecurities. For years, he avoided actual relationships, settling for sexual encounters only. In the past ten years he stopped even that and went on a quest to meet somebody he could partner with. He'd get started then go off them in weeks. Plus this didn't work out for him as nobody matched his wants/needs etc - which, if I'm honest, were quite unrealistic. For example, he was trying to avoid falling into the same situation again by having a checklist. For example, he started thinking a woman with only a few previous relationships would be more trustworthy. I've told him that's ridiculous, and there's plenty of other idealistic silliness!

Our own meeting was accidental; we got talking, no spark really, just a developing friendship. We went to see films, for coffee...the usual. Then he got brave and wanted more, so we booked a short holiday. However, nothing happened and then he backed off again, into the "friend zone". I agreed as I wasn't that into him in the early stages, although I loved his company, but I'd been willing to experiment.

I've wondered if the final act of being intimate with me is frightening for him because he is so very emotionally attached. He's fought against the emotional attachment very hard - he ended our relationship twice as he felt overwhelmed by his feelings. In the end, he said he's never felt so safe - yet the irony is, can that feeling be so important to him that he doesn't want to risk going all out?

Sex is his final wall, maybe, that he uses to protect himself. If we don't commit sexually, he thinks he's safe from the previous hurt he experienced?

He does love me and shows it readily. Just not sexually. He won't even say if he thinks I'm attractive; sometimes he looks as if he's at war with himself, fighting off the urge to blurt something out.

Of course, I can only guess. What I do know is we do give something important to each other - and, at my age, that's valuable.

I appreciate your words and trust me, I'm keeping an eye open on this as a possibility.

Any other thoughts, would be welcome as your words do resonate.
Many thanks.

Seaoftroubles

My failing is that I fear losing him in my life. I've tried opening him up on it, but he makes it plain he won't talk about it.

There are also times I worry that this has become a challenge....not a great thought. I go through phases where I think , "Sod this!" but then I look at all the people without anyone at my age and feel lucky to have what I have.

And yes, I know there are flaws in this point of view!

Boredchattex

He's literally on the phone or texting me most of the day. He speaks at night, too and we discuss our day. I spend a lot of time at his place and he also comes to mine.

Sometimes, mainly me, other commitments get in the way - but when we're able, we spend a lot of time together. He's not the type to hanker after much younger women - his previous attempts to find someone have always been with ladies in the older age range. I'm more guilty, in the past, of going down in age than him!

I'm taking everything everyone is saying on board! This has been very helpful.

Hi @Gingganggoo you sound lovely. I’m in agreement with @BrunetteBarbie94 ’s excellent post. I think there are definitely attachment issues at play here. The most concerning aspect to me is his refusal to have any meaningful discussion around this with you; you say you sent him a long thoughtful message about your feelings which he dismissed. He absolutely has the right to have his boundaries, but equally he should be willing to consider your feelings and have an open and honest discussion around this.

I disagree with the suggestion of him not being interested in or attracted to you. I don’t think this is about you. I would imagine this issue, which ultimately is one of intimacy, would occur with anyone he was with. I would be very surprised if his fearful attachment style doesn’t manifest in other ways, which could subtly undermine your feelings. You are in your sixties, there is no need to write off a sexual relationship! That’s such a normal thing to want. It is ultimately up to you if you are willing to sacrifice this for the other benefits of his companionship. I would be cautious though and look out for yourself here.

Plastictreees
Thank you for such nice words.

I am pretty aware of all the downfalls in this situation, and I guess there are many. Even so, I've had previous attempts at meeting somebody through dating sites - but its so demoralising! I have, in the past, found nice, attractive sexually willing men (it's a rocky road!) although they weren't keepers for a variety of reasons.

And I've got "admirers" who'd be happy to oblige (I've considered it!) but I'm a bit old school. I don't do friends with benefits. I hanker after a bond at least, preferably love.

I'm thinking maybe he's a slow burner, but yes, that's deluded! For now, I'm biding my time - yet I foresee a point where I'll just think, "Really?" My libido isn't listening when I tell her to shut up and go back to sleep. And, truthfully, I miss the passion of it all.

We're together at the moment and having so much laughter and affection. He brought me breakfast in bed, unpacked my bags and has been sweet and attentive since I arrived last night. It was a bit of a drive and he was all open arms when I knocked at his door. ...you can see why I want to preserve that, I hope. : )

Mydahliasareshit

That's not it at all. He's better off than I am financially and has his own place.

He doesn't need a nurse, either. He's fit, active and looks after himself. He's no manchild looking for a laundry and housework service, either.

These considerations aren't a part of my concerns at all, but thank you.

Yes, I admit it. I did feel very hurt when he said we'd never be an item sexually. We later had fisticuffs about it (not literally!).

I settled into a sense of bff neutrality, but often, lately, I find the touchy contact sets off physical longing! But we've never even properly kissed.

He does initiate contact, yet he's careful not to let it get too fruity. A couple of times he's forgotten himself (like playfully smacking my bum!) but mainly it's spooning and hand holding, sitting close. He's so cheerful, always singing and joking, just a breath of fresh air. Even spats don't last five minutes (and it's usually me!)

He's a lovely man. Fml lol!!!