Late 30s and still lives with his parents

[tokyy]

I went on a date last week with a guy I met on hinge. I’ve enjoyed chatting to him and for the most part we had a good date until it came up that he lives with his parents. I find it a bit off putting if I’m being very honest. I asked him if he’s ever lived outside he’s family home and his response was a little confusing so I assume not. He spoke about some of his future plans which include buying his parents council house using right to buy and other things that all sound really convoluted. I’m not sure why this is bothering me so much, I am pretty independent and have my own place. Would this bother you?

Awe , I like this post ❤️

All those saying how expensive it is to rent a flat now are right of course, but what's missing from this man's life is a house share rental about 18 years ago, That was generally affordable back then on even a lowish wage. It's the failure to have ever moved out that would bother me.

Immediate ICK

Exactly. We’ve all lived in crappy houseshares and bedsits so small you could cook your breakfast without getting out of bed. The point is wanting to live an independent adult life, not festering like a late-30s teenager in your bedroom waiting for mummy to make your dinner.

You don't know if he was helping his parents look after a disabled sibling who had passed away

If his father has asked him to stay because the mother is prone to falls and he can't lift her alone.

If his mother has asked him to stay because his father doesn't always take his psych meds.

If he is helping his parents meet their rent and living costs from his wages because they are both out of work.

If he is saving for a deposit and the cheapest nearby bedsit is over 1500k a month.

If he can't afford a place because he is still paying off his ex's debts he foolishly signed as a guarantor for, or otherwise got scammed.

I wouldn't tell any of these things to some Hinge date I'd just met.

Depends on what you want. It sounds like he doesn't have any baggage. People here seem to prefer someone who is currently living with parents due to a messy divorce, financial difficulties etc.

He does have baggage, his parents.

I have a 25 year old son and plus 2 other dc. The same applies to my dd. Ds is working and lives at home. He has saved 150k and I told him I will double whatever he has when he moves. I will do this for all my dc. If he moves at 30 or 32 it won’t be the end of the world. He has dated but nothing serious yet. He will probably be prompted to move if he gets serious with someone and will be be in the position to buy a flat or small house outright. Any lady that judges him will miss out on a pretty a good catch financially. which is why he shouldn’t mention it to dates and he’ll need to ringfence it. Should he just have rented just to save less? We are London outskirts. He gets to his job with a short commute . He might move out and buy by himself, up to him, he has choices and no ticking bio clock.

Plus my family are continental, different mindset, if you were to tell my lot about kicking out at 18 or even 25, they’d think why?

38 bit old but if he has been productively saving, why not? To just go to a gf house and live off her no way! What does he bring to the table, it ought to be a shed load of savings.

Social housing being bought at all, I have a problem with it but I can see why it is an opportunity. Guess he wants to buy it but in parents name, he and siblings sell and share profits when the parents die.

What do posters prefer? A divorcee living in an HMO paying child support and baggage? That’s preferable?

@Okrr Firstly, your son is ten years younger than the man in question, and secondly, he’s preparing for his (independent ) future.

This man has some vague plans about buying his parents council house (which he can’t do unless he’s a tenant or living with a tenant, in which case his parents can’t move out) and buying a second house. Maybe he was deliberately being obtuse for the same reason you’ve advised your son, you don’t want gold diggers after their money.

On the face of it, it does seem quite unusual. On the other hand, the fact that he gets along well with his family and lives in a nice family unit is kind of a green flag. I’m not sure I’d bin him over this if he’s a nice guy.

I would never date a woman who lives with her parents or never lived alone either. Unless we are 21, I would not bother as an over 30 person(even at 25 i wouldn't

Not to me. The rules applied from November sometime so if his application was submitted prior to then he’s entitled to the full discount (£136400) which is a huge amount of equity to start off with.

Your housing is what’s important here, not his. Did he ask about it?

Slash, himself. He is the baggage

Don’t. Whatever others say. There is a huge lack of maturity in someone who never moved out, even for good reasons. I had two friends go through this in the same circumstances with similarly aged men and just no, no no.

This would be a no from me. Even in my early 20s I dated a couple of guys who lived at home and things just weren’t equal. I could never go their house or stay over, i felt like i was an awkward guest rather than in an adult relationship. I have always been independent and moved out at 19.

There have been a couple of posts like this on Mumsnet recently. It depends upon your relationship. If you are simply dating on a casual basis then no harm done, so long as he can pay his way. But this failure to launch (unless there were extenuating circumstances) would deter me from considering anything longer term. For any lasting relationship its best if the couple are on a similar financial basis.

There is absolutely no need for anyone to fantasise back stories to explain their date’s current situation. In fact it would be batshit crazy to do so. He needs to present himself in a way that is acceptable to OP or she simply won’t agree to another date.

Women twisting themselves inside out to view a man’s situation and behaviour in a good light allows many disastrous relationships to get started and to continue way longer than is healthy.

Actually, a friend of DS lived at home till he was about 35. He did do 5 years at university where he had enough experience of private rentals to put him off for life, including 2, seemingly very nice, flats shared with DS for a year; one so damp that their clothes went mouldy in the wardrobe and another where rainwater poured in through the ceiling even though they weren't even on the top floor!

On getting his degree, he got a job 5 minutes walk from his parents so it seemed a no brainer living there. There was plenty of room as his sister had moved out. (Might be different in a council house with younger siblings.) Friend was able to save a substantial sum so he and his long distance girlfriend, now his wife, were able to buy and extremely nice house nearer to where they both now live and work. On paper he might not have looked like a good prospect but he actually was.

@CecilyP So your ds’s friend did experience life away from home and has lived independently. Plus saved for his future. Different to op’s friend!’s situation.

These particular circumstances would put me off, as it does sound as if he is waiting for his parents to die.

In general though, it’s not always a bad thing. My friends son and daughter lived at home til 35 and 36. They very much had their own lives with good careers, good social lives etc and used the time to save. I think it also made a difference that their parents house was very large so they did all have their own space. Within the last 2 years they have both moved out and bought their first homes, one without a mortgage with their partner and one on their own with a large deposit.

Agreed, but don't think OP knows enough about his circumstances after one date to write him off completely.

It depends on what your plans are with this man. If you simply envisage a "friends with benefits" arrangement then his lack of a house or vague plans is not so crucial. Save that he has no where to entertain you unless you go to a hotel. If you envisage something longer term then his apparent failure to launch becomes a red flag.

Ive had several relationships where I was happy with the "friends with benefits" arrangement and made it clear from the start that I was not prepared to commit. Then the "meet my family" began and I quickly backed away. You/your partner may think you are in agreement at the start of the relationship but its amazing how one partner can change their outlook and begin to want a home, kids, etc. Not for me.