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Original poster

Late 30s and still lives with his parents

123 replies

tokyy · 08/09/2025 17:20

I went on a date last week with a guy I met on hinge. I’ve enjoyed chatting to him and for the most part we had a good date until it came up that he lives with his parents. I find it a bit off putting if I’m being very honest. I asked him if he’s ever lived outside he’s family home and his response was a little confusing so I assume not. He spoke about some of his future plans which include buying his parents council house using right to buy and other things that all sound really convoluted. I’m not sure why this is bothering me so much, I am pretty independent and have my own place. Would this bother you?

OP posts:
Coffeetime25 · 09/09/2025 20:02

everyone has to live somewhere it would not bother me

KatMansfield6 · 09/09/2025 20:10

I don't know about all the right to buy stuff but someone living with their parents wouldn't in itself put me off. If I wasn't married I'd quite happily live with my Mum. London rent/house prices are ridiculous, and housing is so difficult throughout the county that it seems to make sense to me if you are single and get on with your parents. So much judgment here! Obviously I would be put off if he seemed incompetent/weird but not for this reason alone.

tommyhoundmum · 09/09/2025 20:26

Unicornuni · 08/09/2025 17:22

Yeah, throw him back. The huge discounts that used to be given have gone. It seems like he is waiting for them to die so he can “inherit” the tenancy.

I don't think you can "inherit" now.Perhaps his parents would have to buy the property

Gymbunny2025 · 09/09/2025 20:42

It wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me (especially in London) as long as he has a career, hobbies, friends and is sensible with his money/saving for a deposit or pension etc.

Friendlygingercat · 09/09/2025 21:00

Like other posters upthread I would not judge if there were particular circumstances. Like a marriage breakup, serious longterm illness, and so on. However this sounds like a classic failure to launch as an adult. If his parents have a social housing tenancy then they are already well "set up" and do not have to fear eviction. If they retire on low incomes they are probably entitled to state help. Sounds like he is the one who wants to be set up with his meals cooked and his washing done,

I left home at 22 because I was studying part time and not making enough to afford my own place. As soon as I finished my professional exams I was promoted and moved out. I would never have lived with my parents agai, not even ona temporary basis.

Silverbirchleaf · 09/09/2025 21:27

Just had a look at the Government website. You can buy a council house if you’re a secure tenant. Family members can have a joint application to buy if they’ve lived there for over twelve months. The joint application is with one if the secure tenants.

Incidentally, , if he planning to buy, is he saving towards this goal?

ellyeth · 09/09/2025 22:49

It's so expensive to buy in London - and even more expensive to rent. Many people - unless they get financial assistance from their parents - have little option but to live at home. They can contribute to the household bills but still be able to save regularly, with the hope of one day being able to buy something. An average rent in my area (an increasingly popular, but not especially rich part of east London), even very small flats are commanding rents of something like £1,300 a month.

I would find it a little off-putting if a man is still living with his parents but if he behaves like a grown man - is as independent as he can be, eg sorting out his own laundry, finances, etc., and supporting his parents to some degree, rather than his Mum treating him like a little boy - I would wait and see. If you visited his home, I expect you would get the vibe - and if it was a spoilt little boy vibe then obviously it wouldn't be great. I don't think you should discount him unless you have discovered this sort of information.

Original poster
tokyy · 10/09/2025 00:58

Sidebeforeself · 09/09/2025 18:35

I know this probably makes me do d really shallow but I always think that blokes in these circumstances are unlikely to be very good in bed!

lol I think I might be missing the correlation here?

OP posts:
Original poster
tokyy · 10/09/2025 01:00

Chewbecca · 09/09/2025 18:58

It's definitely not ideal but living in London is expensive! At least he is able to get on with his parents 🤣
Does he have decent, stable employment?

Yes he has a decent job. Seems stable in every other way from what I can tell. The living situation and his ‘plan’ raises my suspicion that something is not right here ..

OP posts:
Original poster
tokyy · 10/09/2025 01:02

Jollyhockeystickss · 09/09/2025 19:05

Its not his house he cant buy it im assuming its in his dads name only his dad can buy it..hes a mummys boy with no plans to leave home and if he meets someone he will expect her to support him and be his new mummy and id guess real mummy doesnt want to let him go

His plan makes no sense to me as someone who was raised in social housing. I don’t understand why he wants do buy his parents home as opposed to his own. He talks about wanting marriage and kids but his stated plans don’t align with this and keep him enmeshed with his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
tokyy · 10/09/2025 01:06

Shelfdrived · 09/09/2025 19:29

Total devil's advocate....the London thing might make things different? London housing is a world unto itself.

I remember moving there as a "young professional" couple and being absolutely financially and practically shafted by living in a Normal One Bedroom Rented Flat.

If there'd been a free shed somewhere in a parents house I'd have taken it!

Its even worse now. I imagine lots of mainstream workers can only live in houseshares or "odd" arrangements.

Is he hinting he's planning this as a long term investment decision? Is he saving money he'd otherwise spend on rent?

Yes he talks about it as an investment decision. That it would be a shame to let the home go based on how much it’s worth now etc. He’s spoken about having savings and so on, he will also need to buy the home.

his plans just don’t inspire confidence in me, sounds like a bad idea with the max discount being 16k now, and most importantly why now. Sounds like he’s spent all his adult years in his parents home, approx 20 years. The ship has sailed from when it would have been worthwhile.

OP posts:
Original poster
tokyy · 10/09/2025 01:07

BlueFlowers5 · 09/09/2025 19:54

But if he buys the parents house, they will be living in it, with him paying for it?

Will he, probably not, be able to then buy a house with a partner? Or just move in to have a roof over his head?

Throw him back.

He plans to move his parents to an over 60+ home/mortgage situation. Idk much about these tbh but all sounds very messy to me and not very sensible but not 100% sure. Maybe all this does make sense and I’m overthinking it?

OP posts:
AlohaRose · 10/09/2025 01:09

And where are the younger siblings supposed to live when he has shunted his parents elsewhere? Still with him?

sittingonabeach · 10/09/2025 01:09

Does he have a reasonably independent life apart from living at home?

Original poster
tokyy · 10/09/2025 01:10

Friendlygingercat · 09/09/2025 21:00

Like other posters upthread I would not judge if there were particular circumstances. Like a marriage breakup, serious longterm illness, and so on. However this sounds like a classic failure to launch as an adult. If his parents have a social housing tenancy then they are already well "set up" and do not have to fear eviction. If they retire on low incomes they are probably entitled to state help. Sounds like he is the one who wants to be set up with his meals cooked and his washing done,

I left home at 22 because I was studying part time and not making enough to afford my own place. As soon as I finished my professional exams I was promoted and moved out. I would never have lived with my parents agai, not even ona temporary basis.

This is my fear and this is what I suspect … it’s a failure to launch situation. It’s no longer about him living at home tbh, it’s the why and the plans that leave me a little put off. I obviously don’t know everything (we’ve only had one date) but so far what he’s shared has got me questioning whether I want to get to know him more

OP posts:
Original poster
tokyy · 10/09/2025 01:11

ellyeth · 09/09/2025 22:49

It's so expensive to buy in London - and even more expensive to rent. Many people - unless they get financial assistance from their parents - have little option but to live at home. They can contribute to the household bills but still be able to save regularly, with the hope of one day being able to buy something. An average rent in my area (an increasingly popular, but not especially rich part of east London), even very small flats are commanding rents of something like £1,300 a month.

I would find it a little off-putting if a man is still living with his parents but if he behaves like a grown man - is as independent as he can be, eg sorting out his own laundry, finances, etc., and supporting his parents to some degree, rather than his Mum treating him like a little boy - I would wait and see. If you visited his home, I expect you would get the vibe - and if it was a spoilt little boy vibe then obviously it wouldn't be great. I don't think you should discount him unless you have discovered this sort of information.

This is true. I’d have to wait and see to make this judgement as so far I don’t know enough

OP posts:
Original poster
tokyy · 10/09/2025 01:24

sittingonabeach · 10/09/2025 01:09

Does he have a reasonably independent life apart from living at home?

Idk yet. The only thing I know for certain is that he has a good job

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 10/09/2025 01:33

I would have to stick out the friendship until I found out the outcome!
Will he buy the house or not?
Intriguing. He seems a little different but not evil.

Original poster
tokyy · 10/09/2025 01:33

AlohaRose · 10/09/2025 01:09

And where are the younger siblings supposed to live when he has shunted his parents elsewhere? Still with him?

He wants to jointly buy with one of his siblings. And the other has to move I suppose? Or has to pay rent or who knows! When he explaining to me I asked him are his parents and siblings supportive and aware of this plan and he said yes.

OP posts:
Dancingintherainxxx · 10/09/2025 01:39

In Dublin the average house is 550k. It wouldn't be a turn off for me at all.

Shelfdrived · 10/09/2025 01:43

tokyy · 10/09/2025 01:06

Yes he talks about it as an investment decision. That it would be a shame to let the home go based on how much it’s worth now etc. He’s spoken about having savings and so on, he will also need to buy the home.

his plans just don’t inspire confidence in me, sounds like a bad idea with the max discount being 16k now, and most importantly why now. Sounds like he’s spent all his adult years in his parents home, approx 20 years. The ship has sailed from when it would have been worthwhile.

Show quote history

Idk, it sounds like you're overthinking his finances and potential earnings a little bit too much.

Its only been one date. He's not in debt and has savings and is working. I'm an overanalyser too but maybe it's better sometimes just to go with your instincts?

Are you attracted to him? Do you like how he looks and how he makes you feel? Forget about the money.

Why not go on a second date and see if there actually is chemistry? If you're compatible and end up together you can work out property strategy together.

I don't host men. So if they don't have a place to host, they either take me out or pay for a hotel if they want private 1-1 time.

So you don't need to have him at yours all the time, or even let him into your home or where you live.

I would leave it to him to pay for a hotel (with money saved on rent) or find another solution if things progress.

Meadowfinch · 10/09/2025 01:56

I had a couple of dates with a man in the same situation. Again, lovely gentle guy but definitely someone who drifted along in his own little world and just let things happen, rather than someone with a plan.

He was looking for someone to move in with, someone to take over from his mum as provider which wasn't really my thing.

Rayqueen · 10/09/2025 03:46

It wouldn't bother me and based on the amount of middle 30s friends I have who are still with parents or have moved back because of failed relationships then I guess you wouldn't date many in the north lol...Simply because everything is so darn expensive nowadays that's it

Tablesandchairs23 · 10/09/2025 05:10

Accept this man is not for you. No need to decimate the poor guy.

ForMauveUser · 10/09/2025 05:14

The fact that his explanation felt confusing to you is important—it suggests he either hasn’t thought it through clearly, or isn’t being upfront.

Ask directly why he’s still at home and what his plan is.