Late 30s and still lives with his parents

[tokyy]

I went on a date last week with a guy I met on hinge. I’ve enjoyed chatting to him and for the most part we had a good date until it came up that he lives with his parents. I find it a bit off putting if I’m being very honest. I asked him if he’s ever lived outside he’s family home and his response was a little confusing so I assume not. He spoke about some of his future plans which include buying his parents council house using right to buy and other things that all sound really convoluted. I’m not sure why this is bothering me so much, I am pretty independent and have my own place. Would this bother you?

He can't buy the property only the tenants can. He must surely knnow this.

I was seeing a guy one time in his 40s , now he always worked , but basically went around renting rooms in houses near to his job ..
He had been in Australia but was back 7 years & this is what he was doing , I found it odd being honest & never spoke of getting his own house , he had money , I kinda couldn’t figure it out really..
It did put me off him though ..

I'm torn, I lived with my parents until my mid-twenties and don't like to judge adults that do. That being said if his plan sounds like a red flag. If he said he was living at home to save for a deposit that's different.

Automatic no.

Have I got this right?
Is he planning to buy their house with his sibling as an investment to keep it in the family? Is he counted as a tenant because he has always lived there and is in the lease?

And he plans to set his parents up in a possibly smaller over 60's facility for which he will pay the mortgage?

Maybe the council house is in a really good location and it's too good a home to lose? Would his parents have to pay 'bedroom tax' if he moved out or have to move into a smaller place anyway?

It does all sound a bit odd but I think that's because you only have part of the picture. When you have the rest of the picture it will be clear. I wouldn't break it off without understanding the whole picture.

Ah, all the shallow replies on here.

He can only buy it jointly with an existing tenant, unless he’s a tenant in his own right. If the siblings are both non-tenant, then they can’t buy it. If he is a tenant, then the sibling also has to live in the house for over twelve months before purchase.

I presume he’s saving hard if he’s planning to buy two properties, the ex-council house and the over-60 reduced house. It’ll be interesting to know whether he’s got over a hundred thousand (or more) stashed away for these purchases.

Nothing shallow about not wanting to date someone who has never lived independently of his parents by his late 30s.

Yes, it would bother me. I'm going to assume massively here, but I suspect basics like laundry, ironing and meals are all done for him by his Mum! I'm not even sure a council tenancy can be passed down these days. Years ago it could be, but given the fact he's wanting the tenancy to a family home, he's a single man with no dependents and there's a shortage of properties for families waiting, it would be very unlikely he would secure it. I would be wondering why he's not got the gumption to go out into the big wide world himself, and is relying on his parents tenancy to be passed to him!! Fear? Laziness? No ambition? None of which sound great. I wouldn't bother with another date.

Definitely throw him back if you're independent. I think it's so clear your lifestyles will be so, so different. And expectations of how to be a grown up.

TBH I see all these comments/excuses about "might not want to share with strangers" and "it's so expensive" but if he's got a decent job, like you say, then I would just view it as a necessary evil to be a real grown up! Noone wants to live with strangers or spend money on rent when they could save a fortune living at home (and my parents would have always been very happy to let me) but it's about being a grown up!

I've spent a fortune over the years renting in London because I felt it was important to live on my own, run my own place and be independent. Know how to get good deals for my bills, how to deal with issues with the boiler, just general adulting. That's something that is 100% essential for me. I wouldn't even really like to date a man in his late 30s who shared a property but I would accept that if it was a sensible choice being made to save for a deposit or similar.

It sounds like you will be totally misaligned in life experience etc. (And I imagine the relationship would be very one sided in the sense of him always being at yours if it was to progress any further).

It would put me off. I've been living independently since I was 17. The gap in experience between that and someone who is late 30s and still living at home is massive. Say I was the same age as him, roughly, that's 20 years of independent living, managing a home, finances, paying rent or a mortgage etc, cooking and laundry, experience of living with a partner compared to no experience.
If he'd moved out for several years and had had to move back to his parents' for whatever reason, such as divorce, job less, illness, that's not the same as someone who has never left.
He also sounds naive with a poorly thought out plan.

Depends where you are. In London it makes absolute financial sense to do what he’s doing and a lot of people with city jobs do that. There’s also a difference between living with parents and being supported by them - if he isn’t white British it’s very likely he’s paying for the bills / supporting them. What is he like in other ways?

It is so, so worth it. Posters have asked, why now?' It's because the rules for discounts on council house sales changed in November. If they applied in October, they have the potential for an up to £138,000 discount, rather than a maximum £16,000 discount if they'd applied any later. I don't know why the parents hadn't bought before this but the change in the law has obviously galvanised the family into action. How they will work it between him, his brother and his parents is for them to decide.

Still doesn't explain why he is still living at home in his late 30's but the decision to the buy the house is not unreasonable.

I guess if he’s happy there and has very cheap rent I see the appeal, but you’re in for a challenge if and when you move in together.
how much does his mum do for him eg washing cooking etc? Is he expecting his wife to?!
will he be aware of mental load of running a home?
do you want a live in partner one day?

Yup. I'd want to go to a bloke's house and see what he was all about. What books he had. How well he kept the place. Him make me dinner. Doesn't have to own but must live alone.

It must so depend on circumstances - do you know how much an even small rented flat (maybe many places, but talking South East UK here) in the UK costs these days? Approx £1300 + pcm here.....My son & his GF live with me - (although I do own the house outright, so no housing costs, and yes, it was a 'right to buy' after living here for 30 + years), enough room luckily to live our own lives, & we get along well. I love them both so much, & will do anything I can to help them - I will never ever ask them to move out until they can fully support themselves - we all work full time, they help around the house / garden etc - not ever gonna ask them to move out to pay £1300 to a random landlord, but will allow them time to save up for their own place.
And no, I don't do their laundry / housework / cooking - if anything, they do it for me, lol - not sure about the bit about the guy buying the parents house though - not sure how that works these days - but since when was it a 'crime' to help your kids / family?? And yes, they do totally chip enough in with bills and 'housekeeping' expenses.

(Off putting yes, if 'Mummy' treats him like a child, but not if said 'child', whatever age these days, looks out for his Mum? He's a keeper.....) xx

I'd double that figure, we don't even live in the Home Counties and the rent some of our neighbours pay is higher than that

No thanks.
NEXT!!!

But he has never even tried living somewhere else, independently. Even for a short while. And now he is in his late 30s.... Nah

Mid twenties still living at home is very different to mid thirties still living at home

You make some good points. However, I think the difference is, you dc are making plans for the future, and are living independently at home. I have a young adult at home also and whilst I do do his washing (it’s easier to chuck it all in together), he does cook etc, and is saving for the future.

However, the person in question seems less sorted. He talks about buying the council house, In theory, he could have already done that, with his parents, instead of waiting for the future. He’s late 30s now. Time is running out to get a mortgage (or two).

My ex still lives with his mother at 54 (never moved out) and told me he knew he was a mummys boy but wasn't bothered. Yes you have to be wary if they show no interest in moving out.

Aside from the points already mentioned, I’ve found when I’ve given this sort of man a chance that I’ve become exhausted and resentful constantly being the ‘host house’ when you spend more time together. It kills off the romance for me. Like he’s not going to cook you a romantic dinner in his mums kitchen is he? No snogging on his family sofa in front of a movie 😅
I just hated that my place became his sort of second nest and I’d never let that happen again

I only moved out after partnering up. I'd probably have still been there in my 30s if I'd stayed single.

It's quite common where I live in London, where housing has been very expensive for decades now. My brother (mid 30s) lives at home in a similar position, has married and put a deposit on a house now.

He pays his share of rent to our parents. He's perfectly capable of sorting out bills, repairs, etc. and he has a good career. He helps out our parents a lot, so it's a good arrangement for them too, although of course he wants his own space to start a family.

My friends and his friends from childhood are in similar situations. Some live in converted basements or attics in their parents' houses, some in the rented homes they grew up in. Others left London altogether because housing costs are so high. I think it's perfectly normal and to do with being part of a family and the community you grew up in. Where I live, generations of families live in the same homes or streets/areas.