What to tell my DM?

[CVVFan]

I’ve gone NC with my sister. My life has improved since then, so i have zero intention to get back in touch with her .

However it’s a known thing that her husband is violent towards her and their child. This has been the case since they got together so no surprises there.

However, as human being I think my DM should support my sister better, but I really don’t know what to advice.

Why are you nc, does she want help from your mum, what do you expect your mum to do, why is she still with an abusive and violent husband, if you all know about it has anyone contacted thd police, social services, school and the nspcc.

It sounds like you should support her better and make it clear that if she ever needs you then you'll be there for her. Why is this your DMs responsibility?

we all live in different countries, I’ve gone MC because she’s been abusive to me and always justified it as doing it because she “loved me”. I have zero feelings for her though.

What about your neice, how old is she. What support do you think your mum should give her apart from calling the police and reporting the abuse which you can do from overseas.. Has your mum refused to get involved.

My DM just looks concerned and talks to her all day (she’s currently visiting) but my sister has refused to leave for years now. (I think it’s down to immigration status but not quite sure).

I think my DM should give her more practical advice.

my nephew just turned 6, so he’s a child.

Have you reported the abuse of your nephew to the authorities and school in their country of residence?

I doubt she wants me to. Besides a) I have no proof

b) don’t speak the language

she’s a criminal lawyer with a Juris Doctor in it, it’s not like she’s clueless

I don’t have her address either so I don’t think reporting to the police is really an option

Does she live in America, what languages do you both speak, that's no barrier.

No, she lives in German speaking Switzerland. But I don’t have any address so what am I supposed to say? I know of this boy with this super common name? But have no clue of where he lives?

Could your Mum not give you the address?

doubt it, within our culture reporting to the police is crossing the line (and potentially getting her into more trouble).

I mean my father was mega violent to my DM (much more than what my sister is suffering) and she never left.

the similarity (I guess) is that my father always told my mother that he would take us away from her and he would section her. To me that sounds ludicrous, but she obviously believed it.

so now my DM thinks (and I guess my sister) that her husband can take her son away. In this case I guess it’s slightly more believable as he’s the Swiss national but who knows!

He’s violent to a 6 year old child?! FFS your mum and sister need to step up and support this poor child, she may have normalised it due to your upbringing, but FFS don’t allow this circle of abuse continue, your nephew will likely grow up abusing, if he survives his childhood

So you know that your BIL is being violent to your sister and your nephew but you don't want to help her, but think your Mum should help her?

I care as a human being but them being related to me is completely irrelevant.

also, I really don’t know what type of violence. We’re certain it’s verbal but from the only time I’ve seen this boy in my life I’d reckon there’s physical too (from behaviours not bruises/marks).

Why would him being a Swiss national mean he could have her sectioned or take her son away, this doesn't make any sense. The Swiss authorities could intervene but unless someone reports it then nothing will change. Not sure what you want from this thread.

The relationship is irrelevant, but what is relevant is a young child and his mother are being violently abused.

I could not ignore that and do nothing.

I mean from an international custody POV. He definitely has more “power”. I.e. she can’t just take her son back “home” because it would be considered kidnapping.

That's why someone needs to get the authorities involved but it doesn't sound like anyone will.

She wants a way to absolve herself of guilt.

I find it odd that you are NC yourself but want to intervene in the relationship between your mum and your sibling.
Either you are involved and want to help yourself or you aren't. Please don't absolve yourself but also berate your mum for not doing enough.

It sounds like she needs help, could you contact her and offer your support and help, ask if there is anything you can do?

The only who can really “influence” my sister is my DM. I would not report it to the police for a myriad of reasons. She might have a plan (I doubt it) but again she knows the law a lot better than me (she’s a lawyer!) so I’m hoping there’s a reason why she’s not taking action.

but my DM can influence or at least question her.

i have zero guilt BTW. My best friend was a victim of abuse too (she ended up covered in bruises) but she took action and left with her son. She didn’t spend years upon years just wondering what to do.

obviously different country so different laws apply.

Poor little boy, what a way to grow up.

You doubt she wants you to report the abuse of her child??

Listen to yourself. It doesn’t matter whether an adult - any adult - doesn’t want the abuse of a child reported. If you know (or suspect with good reason) that a child is being abused you do everything thing you possibly fucking can to alert the authorities.

You get the address from your mum by saying you want to try some low key contact again, may be to send the nephew a gift, and then you report.

You don’t need proof, you report your concerns and what you have observed and been told. The rest is up to the professionals. You don’t second guess residency or custody issues. You don’t give up before you even tried because your sister is a lawyer. You don’t make pathetic excuses about language. You accept that what you can do is limited, but you do it anyway.

I don't see how, if you have gone no contact with your sister you have any right to tell your DM what she should or shouldn't do.
If your nephew is in a violent home surely you should be reporting it to the relevant authorities. If you are based in the UK you can seek advice from the NSPCC. There is also an organisation called CFAB - Children and Families across borders.