What to tell my DM?

[CVVFan]

I’ve gone NC with my sister. My life has improved since then, so i have zero intention to get back in touch with her .

However it’s a known thing that her husband is violent towards her and their child. This has been the case since they got together so no surprises there.

However, as human being I think my DM should support my sister better, but I really don’t know what to advice.

Your sister’s husband is abusive, you don’t know if he is physically violent, and your assumption that he might be is based on your nephew’s behavior during short time together. Meanwhile you sister totally understands what’s going on, is presumably educated enough to be educated in concepts of violence and abuse. If you cut contact and have almost nothing to go on then imo leave it alone.

That is faulty reasoning. Women in abusive relationships can know the law, family dynamics etc perfectly, but be unable or unwilling to protect their children. Your understanding of safeguarding is non-existent.

The education/class element is a red herring. Of course all women can be abused, but class can play a role in the value of raising awareness. But put that aside, OP knows very little and has lots of water under the bridge with her sister. Her mother is visiting and she wants mom to speak to the sister. Seems like it can make things a lot worse rather than better.

true I genuinely don’t know that much about the situation just what I’ve heard through my DM and my suspicions based on the behaviour I saw a few years ago.

i don’t want to give any illusion to my DM that I even remotely want to start any sort of communication with my sister, it took me 12 years for it to sink in.

It's very telling that you've replied to a poster who is also keen to minimise and look the other way, @CVVFan, but ignored my post.

I've had extensive child safeguarding involvement and training for work. But basic humanity should be enough for you to do what you can in this case.

My best friend was a victim of abuse too (she ended up covered in bruises) but she took action and left with her son. She didn’t spend years upon years just wondering what to do.

You criticise your sister for not being more like your friend, not acting. But you - who as you are NC already, have nothing to lose - list multiple reasons to do nothing.

Your lack of guilt is nothing to be proud of.

Your reporting may not lead to positive action, but it is the bare minimum response in this situation.

a) my sister knows where I live. If things go badly she’d know where to find me. I still have PTSD and almost had to call the police last time she was here.

b) my DM might not understand why I did it and I don’t want my relationship with her to break down. She’s my last living family member.

You just never, ever put your own relationships first if a child is potentially at risk.

This six-year-old has clearly been born into a very unsafe family, where no one is willing to prioritise his wellbeing and safety. What an indictment of the lot of you.

I’m a true believer of the air mask analogy. I have my own DC and my wellbeing to look after. I almost had a mental breakdown the last time she was here.

Ive woken up in tears of the nightmares involving how she treated me. Yes, it’s unfortunate for her son, but I have to think of myself and my own DC too.

What help or advice are you looking for here. Everyone suggests someone contact the authorities if they feel lives are at risk, there's nothing else to say.

What to tell my mother so she can influence my sister.

hopefully she’ll listen to her. I never said I wanted to directly help my sister.

The air mask analogy suggests that you put your own air mask on first, and then help others. Not that you don't do the bare minimum for a child in case it impacts your own life.

If your sister escalates them yes, you call the police. As long as you have her blocked, what do you think she will do? Employ a hit man? Turn up on your doorstep? Highly unlikely, and yes, call the police.

OP will say no suggestion that a life is at risk, @MissMoneyFairy. There doesn't have to be: emotional abuse, physical abuse and neglect are all reportable.

Believe it or not, yes she could show at my door step, get different phone numbers to contact my DC/email etc.

and yes I could call the police, but how the police help me with my stress levels? I was a shell
of myself when it was at it’s worst. So nope, I’m not directly getting involved. Just thinking about me makes me start to shake.

Op can simply Google child protection services and social,services in Switzerland, there are several agencies. Pass this info onto her mum to discuss with hersister and contact the embassy for advice. Op is not interested in helping her sister or her nephew.

I doubt her mother is capable or willing either. She wasn't able to protect OP or her sister as children:

I mean my father was mega violent to my DM (much more than what my sister is suffering) and she never left.

What air mask do you actually have on, OP? Are you in therapy? Your last post makes me think that Acceptance and Commitment therapy might be relevant.

Russ Harris' The Happiness Trap is useful. In part it focuses on the importance of values and principles in helping you live your life. I have cPTSD and found it excellent.

And my sister still protects and justifies my father even though he’s now in jail (different reasons still violence related).

my mother justifies herself by saying that nobody helped her and thus she could never leave. Her own mother was very abusive towards her (she literally abandoned her with two strangers) so obviously she was going to be of zero help.

Ive completely divorced my family (apart from my mother) because I don’t want any of that past in my life any more.

yes, I’ve been to therapy (for 5 years) and although helpful it can’t undo the generations of trauma. (Plus I don’t have the £££ but that’s a separate matter).

Does your sister work? Is she a registered lawyer?

You have his name and their names - do you know his DOB? then thats enough to report this. This is not okay whatever culture someone is from - especially against a 6yo. Please do not normalise or minimise this - someone has to stick up for this child.

There is a 6 year old you know who is being physically abused.

of she is registered there will be a listing of her address. Also she has legal obligations if she is allowing and witnessing the physical abuse of child.

so they can be reported to the police and/or her legal union/board.

Exactly. Neither your sister nor mother are capable of safeguarding this child. Are you capable of simply reporting? Or getting someone to do it on your behalf? Given this:

it’s a known thing that her husband is violent towards her and their child. This has been the case since they got together so no surprises there.

It’s well known he’s verbal abusive, thats certain a fact. However, the physical violence is my conclusion based on the “duck and cover” behaviours I saw when they visited. Also I know that verbal violence escalates to physical violence.

if I knew they couldn’t trace it back to me sure, but I don’t think she’s told any of this to anyone besides our DM.

Are you still aware of this violence going on against your sister and niece?

No clue, I try to not talk about my sister with my mother and have reduced how much I talk to my mother too.

And meanwhile a child is subjected to violence

And your mother op? unbelievable

Where there’s a will there’s a way
your sister and your mother either can’t or won’t safeguard
so it’s down to you to report

and enough with the… I don’t know where they live. You could find that out. Again, where there’s a will there’s a way.