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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

TW SA consent?

128 replies

Mercier1 · 07/09/2025 20:57

Hi
please be gentle with me I’m currently alone in an airport trying to get home and feeling broken.

I went to my home country for the weekend on my own and whilst there I was staying with my lifelong BFF. We had a falling out last year that was life altering and we’ve been rebuilding and are so much better. Last night we went for dinner and drinks, she said she has never seen me so drunk: I remember that I was drunk but it’s patchy in places. we started arguing and I became belligerent and a nightmare. I feel nothing but remorse. We ended up having a physical fight and both of us have black eyes now. It’s shocking. (This is not normal for either of us)

here is the really awful bit. I stormed out of her house bc we wouldn’t stay there and got in a cab went looking for a hotel. When I got there the hotel door was closed and I was fairly hysterical and had a bloody face etc. some nice young guys helped me and said you won’t find a hotel they will all be full they did check for me and instead said come back to ours. I did think this was genuine.

i ended up going out with them for more drinks and I hooked up with one of them. I’m married and have two kids again this is out of character and I feel like I’m going to die even writing this down.

long story short we had sex and he removed the condom which I maybe said was ok 🤮 but the worst part is he came inside me without my consent. I was horrified.

I left this morning and went to get the morning after pill with a black eye. I then booked into a hotel so I could shower and I’ve been alone with this all day. I’m about to get on a plane to come home to my lovely family and I feel like the worst person ever.

I guess I’m waiting needing if this was rape? Was I capable of consenting? And what do I do next? I am scared to tell my husband of course and I feel like I need to put it in a box and erase it but that’s not that easy. I just needed to get it out of my head.

OP posts:
DeeKitch · 07/09/2025 21:00

Sorry this happened

why were you ok with the condom off? He probably took it as read he could finish inside

sounds like you were all drunk

try and get an STI check xxx

Original poster
Mercier1 · 07/09/2025 21:07

Yes I will.

OP posts:
StasisMom · 07/09/2025 21:09

I agree with the above poster, he probably assumed that was ok as it would be odd to take one off then put one on, especially at the critical moment. That’s not to say I’m not sorry for what’s happened, that does sound very upsetting. Get the morning after pill, get tested for STIs and think about your path forwards with your friend. I would think really hard before telling your husband, I’m not sure there’s much to gain there.

iamamickey · 07/09/2025 21:10

Is there something else happening which is making you make so many poor decisions “out of character”? I think the important thing is you get medically checked out. Did your friend not wonder where you went for the night?

Original poster
Mercier1 · 07/09/2025 21:16

My friend was trying to get me to come back but I ignored her. I am under a lot of stress for sure at the moment and I have therapy every week I also take meds. I do work really hard I myself: I was sexually abused as a child. I feel like I have a fuck it switch. I am on monjaro which is why I think I got drunk way faster than I would normally. I will do all the tests etc.

OP posts:
DeeKitch · 07/09/2025 21:21

Mercier1 · 07/09/2025 21:16

My friend was trying to get me to come back but I ignored her. I am under a lot of stress for sure at the moment and I have therapy every week I also take meds. I do work really hard I myself: I was sexually abused as a child. I feel like I have a fuck it switch. I am on monjaro which is why I think I got drunk way faster than I would normally. I will do all the tests etc.

You poor thing - would be good to try and make up with your friend xx

Original poster
Mercier1 · 07/09/2025 21:23

We have made up thank god.

OP posts:
PashaMinaMio · 07/09/2025 21:45

Set your friend aside for now. Think of yourself and your emotional needs for now and relaaaax.

Whats done is done. I don’t think you can call it rape but maybe I’m too broad brush. Even if it was, what can you do about it without DH finding out?

Get the morning after pill.
Get the STI test done pdq.
No sex with DH until result comes back.

Do not tell your DH. It won’t assuage your guilt and It’ll probably blow your life and family up and that’s not what you want, is it?

Put the activities into a box and slam the lid shut.
Never think of it again.

You know how silly you’ve been, lessons learned.
Forgive yourself.

User47392920 · 07/09/2025 22:05

Just as an aside, I see a lot of advice on here about taking an STI test immediately after unprotected sex. There’s no harm in that but worth bearing in mind that most STIs wouldn’t show up on a test for several weeks if not months, so worth repeating the test in about 8 to 10 weeks and using protection with any partners during that time.

Original poster
Mercier1 · 07/09/2025 22:34

PashaMinaMio · 07/09/2025 21:45

Set your friend aside for now. Think of yourself and your emotional needs for now and relaaaax.

Whats done is done. I don’t think you can call it rape but maybe I’m too broad brush. Even if it was, what can you do about it without DH finding out?

Get the morning after pill.
Get the STI test done pdq.
No sex with DH until result comes back.

Do not tell your DH. It won’t assuage your guilt and It’ll probably blow your life and family up and that’s not what you want, is it?

Put the activities into a box and slam the lid shut.
Never think of it again.

You know how silly you’ve been, lessons learned.
Forgive yourself.

I think this is what I need to do, how do I put it into the box though? I guess I’ll deal with it in therapy. I knew this about the sti tests so will follow that protocol

OP posts:
Meandmyguy · 08/09/2025 08:45

Sounds like guilt, not rape.

DeeKitch · 08/09/2025 08:47

In no way minimising your experience and past abuse, this would be a helpful opening when you’re next at therapy xxx

Thisistyresome · 08/09/2025 13:30

PashaMinaMio · 07/09/2025 21:45

Set your friend aside for now. Think of yourself and your emotional needs for now and relaaaax.

Whats done is done. I don’t think you can call it rape but maybe I’m too broad brush. Even if it was, what can you do about it without DH finding out?

Get the morning after pill.
Get the STI test done pdq.
No sex with DH until result comes back.

Do not tell your DH. It won’t assuage your guilt and It’ll probably blow your life and family up and that’s not what you want, is it?

Put the activities into a box and slam the lid shut.
Never think of it again.

You know how silly you’ve been, lessons learned.
Forgive yourself.

Didn't think it would take long for someone to advise lying to the husband.

If you make a bad decision, compounding it isn't going to make it better.

This sounds like regret not rape, reframing it as such won't make it better.

As you have a therapist, make an appointment for as soon as you can when you get back and work out where to go from here.

Thisistyresome · 08/09/2025 13:37

Mercier1 · 07/09/2025 22:34

I think this is what I need to do, how do I put it into the box though? I guess I’ll deal with it in therapy. I knew this about the sti tests so will follow that protocol

Show quote history

Don't take mental health advice off the internet.

Speak to a professional. "Put it in a box" is not a good response, lying to your husband is not going to end well. Perhaps you are a psychopath who it will never effect but if you are not then you will have the guilt of cheating along with the added guilt of constant lying.

Perhaps you finally tell him (you don't show great impulse control) years down the line and the lies make it worse. Perhaps he finds out some other way and you can never be trusted again.

You need proper professional help.

tripleginandtonic · 08/09/2025 13:40

Meandmyguy · 08/09/2025 08:45

Sounds like guilt, not rape.

This. And I think your dh deserves to know.

millymollymoomoo · 08/09/2025 15:32

Sorry but you’ve had unprotected sex with a stranger and people are saying don’t tell your husband?? Wtf

conplete double standards on here !!

You should tell him and let him
Decide his future . Do not have sec with him till you have had full sti screening inc hiv test

And no it wasn’t raoe / you just regret it in the cold light of day

Original poster
Mercier1 · 08/09/2025 15:45

If someone ejaculates inside you without consent what is that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 08/09/2025 15:46

Thisistyresome · 08/09/2025 13:37

Don't take mental health advice off the internet.

Speak to a professional. "Put it in a box" is not a good response, lying to your husband is not going to end well. Perhaps you are a psychopath who it will never effect but if you are not then you will have the guilt of cheating along with the added guilt of constant lying.

Perhaps you finally tell him (you don't show great impulse control) years down the line and the lies make it worse. Perhaps he finds out some other way and you can never be trusted again.

You need proper professional help.

Show quote history

obv I’m not a psychopath. I wouldn’t be broken and in pieces if I was

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 08/09/2025 15:54

You agreed for him to take the condom off. What did you think would happen?

look I’m sorry you feel crap, and I’m sorry you’re regretting it severely but own your actions

Original poster
Mercier1 · 08/09/2025 15:56

millymollymoomoo · 08/09/2025 15:54

You agreed for him to take the condom off. What did you think would happen?

look I’m sorry you feel crap, and I’m sorry you’re regretting it severely but own your actions

Honestly? I assumed he would pull out. Like I would never have assumed one equalled the other. This is perhaps down to my own experiences. I’m very much owning this.

OP posts:
Remingtonsteele · 08/09/2025 16:00

I’m sorry but I think you need to tell your husband. It’s not fair for you to not to. And really unfair to have sex with him when you don’t know your STI status and won’t for a few months.

I would suggest you also book a therapy appointment as soon as possible.

millymollymoomoo · 08/09/2025 16:00

Men never pull out if you have condomless sex!

you sound very naive.

I don’t think you are owning it. You’re jumping straight to rape and ejaculation without consent, but you agreed to sex and agreed no condom.

im genuinely sorry for you but these were your decisions

Remingtonsteele · 08/09/2025 16:02

I’d have assumed if he took the condom off then he was going to finish inside. No man is going to take a condom off and pull out. Not a hook up anyway.

Original poster
Mercier1 · 08/09/2025 16:06

ok I’m naive. And obv fucking stupid. I’m sure I told him not to do that but I can’t remember. I’m not having sex with my husband that’s not going to be an issue.

OP posts:
Strawber · 08/09/2025 16:07

You already feel horrible and terrible. It doesn’t sound like rape at all.

however I’m going to go against the grain here and say don’t tell your husband. I would take this to your therapy sessions and get it out of your system there.

As terrible as it is you cheated on your husband the only think that will happen from you telling him is your family separating, years of arguments stress and further mental health issues.

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