Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

TW SA consent?

128 replies

Mercier1 · 07/09/2025 20:57

Hi
please be gentle with me I’m currently alone in an airport trying to get home and feeling broken.

I went to my home country for the weekend on my own and whilst there I was staying with my lifelong BFF. We had a falling out last year that was life altering and we’ve been rebuilding and are so much better. Last night we went for dinner and drinks, she said she has never seen me so drunk: I remember that I was drunk but it’s patchy in places. we started arguing and I became belligerent and a nightmare. I feel nothing but remorse. We ended up having a physical fight and both of us have black eyes now. It’s shocking. (This is not normal for either of us)

here is the really awful bit. I stormed out of her house bc we wouldn’t stay there and got in a cab went looking for a hotel. When I got there the hotel door was closed and I was fairly hysterical and had a bloody face etc. some nice young guys helped me and said you won’t find a hotel they will all be full they did check for me and instead said come back to ours. I did think this was genuine.

i ended up going out with them for more drinks and I hooked up with one of them. I’m married and have two kids again this is out of character and I feel like I’m going to die even writing this down.

long story short we had sex and he removed the condom which I maybe said was ok 🤮 but the worst part is he came inside me without my consent. I was horrified.

I left this morning and went to get the morning after pill with a black eye. I then booked into a hotel so I could shower and I’ve been alone with this all day. I’m about to get on a plane to come home to my lovely family and I feel like the worst person ever.

I guess I’m waiting needing if this was rape? Was I capable of consenting? And what do I do next? I am scared to tell my husband of course and I feel like I need to put it in a box and erase it but that’s not that easy. I just needed to get it out of my head.

OP posts:
Albondi · 09/09/2025 17:25

TearsRunDownMyThighs · 09/09/2025 16:27

Of course a drunk woman can consent to sex.

I've had drunken sex many a time and my all accounts it's been great.

are you saying then each time I've had drunk sex, I haven't consented, and therefore I was raped?

FWIW I was raped at aged 7.

Show quote history

I’m really sorry that happened to you. Obviously there’s nuance here, but a drunk, distressed woman approached by a stranger was clearly not in a place to consent.

Albondi · 09/09/2025 17:27

TearsRunDownMyThighs · 09/09/2025 16:28

But she consented to sex and maybe consented to no condom.

Show quote history

It blows me away that your response to the previous poster’s comment is this.

notatinydancer · 09/09/2025 17:46

I’m sorry you’re feeling shit @Mercier1maybe you shouldn’t drink if it leads you to these sort of experiences?
You have massive hangiexty.

I am however amazed at the double standards on this thread , if this was a man he’d be destroyed on here. It would be totally his fault , his poor wife etc etc.

Original poster
Mercier1 · 09/09/2025 22:26

noidea69 · 09/09/2025 10:09

Why aren't you and your husband having sex ? If your relationship isnt in a great place, to the point where you arent having sex, surely you need to see this episode as the moment to call it quits. No one who wants to be in their marriage has nights like this.

Show quote history

You'd have to ask my husband that, considering he hasn't noticed my black eye... I think I'm a bit invisible to him at the moment. Our sex life is very patchy at best, and we've been through a very difficult relationship at times. He had a nervous breakdown, and was out of work for a number of years so I was holding down three jobs etc etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 09/09/2025 22:27

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/09/2025 10:15

I think call a rape crisis helpful to work through the nuance of what part of this was consensual if at all as you may gave been too drunk to consent, and what wasn’t. Mumsnet posters will get triggered by the ‘cheating’ aspect and might not be kind.

Thanks, I thought about this however the comments here made me feel foolish.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 09/09/2025 22:28

Meandmyguy · 09/09/2025 12:01

@Vdlormp nope, nice try though. If your advice is different to your son then I'd be surprised.

I tell him this because they wake up in the morning and remember they're married.

Wow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 09/09/2025 22:29

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 12:50

Perhaps but there is no point in discussing that unless we know where the assault took place.

the men have not behaved well - but the op consented to sex, she remembers what happened, and any discussion around whether or not it was legally rape (or sexual assault or anything else), which is the point I was making, is pointless because we don’t know where the events happened.

Show quote history

The country is similar legally to the UK, im not saying where. its not a legal matter for me its more a sense of understanding myself and what happened. It's complex isnt it. But im not about the law here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 09/09/2025 22:34

Remingtonsteele · 09/09/2025 13:00

But the op says she said taking off the condom was ok?

I also remember insisting on a condom, and stopping him putting his hands on my throat. I was wasted, and it’s patchy. I don’t remember why I allowed him take it off I was a fucking idiot. But it’s all a blur now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 09/09/2025 22:40

Vdlormp · 09/09/2025 17:11

OP you were in an incredibly vulnerable situation with nowhere to sleep and you said you felt pestered into intercourse. That is coercion.

You were very very drug with some parts of the night missing and/or hazy. I don’t think you had the capacity to consent to anything. You had visible injuries to your face and were dustresse. In my view it would have been clear to the men involved that you were unlikely to have the capacity for rational consent.

I believe that you were sexually assaulted following an out of character episode where you reacted unusually to alcohol.

I would contact rape crisis for support as well as working this through with your therapist. I hope you can get the help and support you need.

Thank you. This is how I have been feeling. Thankfully my BFF and I have gone over events leading up to it in terms of what I drank etc and she said I was totally out of character. I’m taking monjaro so we wondered if chemical, also take sertraline. It was like a mad switch flicked. My face when those men saw me was a disgrace I had blood pouring from my nose. And all over my hands. I feel like I need to check with the hotel for my own sanity.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 09/09/2025 22:41

notatinydancer · 09/09/2025 17:46

I’m sorry you’re feeling shit @Mercier1maybe you shouldn’t drink if it leads you to these sort of experiences?
You have massive hangiexty.

I am however amazed at the double standards on this thread , if this was a man he’d be destroyed on here. It would be totally his fault , his poor wife etc etc.

But would it ever happen that a man was distressed and a woman took him home and fucked him? With a battered face, crying? Seems unlikely.

OP posts:
TearsRunDownMyThighs · 09/09/2025 22:53

Mercier1 · 09/09/2025 22:34

I also remember insisting on a condom, and stopping him putting his hands on my throat. I was wasted, and it’s patchy. I don’t remember why I allowed him take it off I was a fucking idiot. But it’s all a blur now.

Show quote history

Well that changes things. Putting his hands on your throat? He could have killed you!

Thisistyresome · 12/09/2025 09:30

Vdlormp · 09/09/2025 11:33

Because if someone is too incapacitated to consent under the law it is rape so your son would be a rapist?

Show quote history

OP wasn't too drunk to consent. She was making decisions, decisions including drunken ones are your decisions.

If you get drunk and drive you made the choice and pay the consequences.
Advising your children that you shouldn't go with unknown drunken people has many good reasons: it is really high risk; you don’t know where they have been (what might you pick up); you don’t know what their situation (if they turn out to be married in the morning); most of the benefit comes from someone you have a connection with (you won’t have with a random).

If you are in a relationship and get drunk with your partner that is fine (sometimes great), but someone you don’t know, bad idea.

Thisistyresome · 12/09/2025 09:54

Mercier1 · 09/09/2025 22:41

But would it ever happen that a man was distressed and a woman took him home and fucked him? With a battered face, crying? Seems unlikely.

Show quote history

Well yes drunk men are not attractive (unless you get that way together), and I don't know any women who go out and directly approach men they don't know (it never used to be necessary).

But the point being made was any man who came on and gave an excuse for cheating and said they were going to lie to their wife would be ripped apart.

If you struggle with imaging the situation, think of a bisexual man who had a deeply upsetting experience went out and got drunk and had sex with another man. Can you imagine him being told to lie to his wife when he go home?

There is actually plenty of sympathy for your upset at the situation but you are not seeing that, because even those who have sympathy are responding to your decision to minimise your part and also your plan to lie to your husband.

Thisistyresome · 12/09/2025 11:40

@Cartwrightandson
@Autumnleaves73
@Albondi

Being drunk does not invalidate consent. You have to be so drunk you are unable to make decisions.

That is not the same as “blacking out” which is a function of your short term memory passing to long term memory. In my younger years I have been drunk where people told me I was coherent and people didn’t think I was too bad but I don’t remember the night at all (memory is more than just a function of alcohol level). Other nights I have seemed to drunk to be allowed to look after myself and had to be taken care of but I remember everything.

Drunk so you are passing out is too drunk to consent, or where you may appear conscious but you are unaware of what is happening so you have no basis for making decisions.

If just “drunk” invalidated all consent this would be a country full of rapists both men and women.

That doesn’t make it morally right to have sex with someone if you think they wouldn’t in other circumstances. Though isn’t just being drunk it could be angry, upset, misinformed (they believe their partner has cheated on them) etc. The same would be the case if you know the other person has a partner. But none of those translate to a crime. It is important to separate people behaving immorally from criminally.

3luckystars · 12/09/2025 13:15

Mercier1 · 08/09/2025 15:45

If someone ejaculates inside you without consent what is that?

A little bit of cum comes out earlier anyway, once the condom was off it was off and there was a high chance a small bit was inside you from that point onwards.
Focusing on the final pull out does not really help, this seems to be really getting looped for you as the worst thing that happened, yes he was a selfish man but the second the condom was off, it was the Wild West. That’s why people get pregnant.

I am sorry it must be the worst hangover on earth. If it was me I would never ever drink again, ever. All the best to you x

Tiswa · 12/09/2025 13:29

@3luckystars why are you downplaying the taking off of the condom as some minor inconvenience

3luckystars · 12/09/2025 13:51

Apologies if I worded that badly, I meant she knew it was off. There was likely cum inside her anyway from that point onwards.Thats all I meant.

I hope you don’t think I am downplaying any of it. Sorry again if I came across that way.

nc43214321 · 12/09/2025 13:54

could your friend have spiked your drink?

Defo lay off the booze until you in a better place.

Original poster
Mercier1 · 12/09/2025 22:33

nc43214321 · 12/09/2025 13:54

could your friend have spiked your drink?

Defo lay off the booze until you in a better place.

No but I had serious shakes/jitters but put it down to Adrenalin next day

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 12/09/2025 22:34

3luckystars · 12/09/2025 13:51

Apologies if I worded that badly, I meant she knew it was off. There was likely cum inside her anyway from that point onwards.Thats all I meant.

I hope you don’t think I am downplaying any of it. Sorry again if I came across that way.

I suppose the way I’ve always had sex was involving the pull out method, many many partners, including my husband. Even with contraception. I think this is normal in my culture so, that’s my experience

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 12/09/2025 22:37

Thisistyresome · 12/09/2025 11:40

@Cartwrightandson
@Autumnleaves73
@Albondi

Being drunk does not invalidate consent. You have to be so drunk you are unable to make decisions.

That is not the same as “blacking out” which is a function of your short term memory passing to long term memory. In my younger years I have been drunk where people told me I was coherent and people didn’t think I was too bad but I don’t remember the night at all (memory is more than just a function of alcohol level). Other nights I have seemed to drunk to be allowed to look after myself and had to be taken care of but I remember everything.

Drunk so you are passing out is too drunk to consent, or where you may appear conscious but you are unaware of what is happening so you have no basis for making decisions.

If just “drunk” invalidated all consent this would be a country full of rapists both men and women.

That doesn’t make it morally right to have sex with someone if you think they wouldn’t in other circumstances. Though isn’t just being drunk it could be angry, upset, misinformed (they believe their partner has cheated on them) etc. The same would be the case if you know the other person has a partner. But none of those translate to a crime. It is important to separate people behaving immorally from criminally.

I should have clarified I guess was never talking criminal as was never going that way. But I wanted clarity in the moral side.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 12/09/2025 22:40

Thisistyresome · 12/09/2025 09:54

Well yes drunk men are not attractive (unless you get that way together), and I don't know any women who go out and directly approach men they don't know (it never used to be necessary).

But the point being made was any man who came on and gave an excuse for cheating and said they were going to lie to their wife would be ripped apart.

If you struggle with imaging the situation, think of a bisexual man who had a deeply upsetting experience went out and got drunk and had sex with another man. Can you imagine him being told to lie to his wife when he go home?

There is actually plenty of sympathy for your upset at the situation but you are not seeing that, because even those who have sympathy are responding to your decision to minimise your part and also your plan to lie to your husband.

Show quote history

No the point being made isn’t this. Because I didn’t use anything as an excuse for cheating. If I did I wouldn’t be posting on this forum. Woman v man comparison doesn’t count it’s not the same. Because women don’t pick up battered men.

OP posts:
murasaki · 12/09/2025 22:45

If you want to make yourself feel morally superior to him, then go ahead. I think it's 50 50.

You got in a fight that had nothing to do with him, and i suspect you may have started. You went drinking with his group. He shouldn't have taken you back for sex. You said it was OK to take the condom off. He should have known better.

You regret it and seek to blame him. He's probably forgotten all about it.

Maltipoo · 12/09/2025 23:07

Mercier1 · 08/09/2025 15:56

Honestly? I assumed he would pull out. Like I would never have assumed one equalled the other. This is perhaps down to my own experiences. I’m very much owning this.

Show quote history

Okay, but remember that the guy is not a mind reader. He likely thought you were okay with it because you agreed to take off the condom. So this is not rape, not unless you were too drunk to give meaningful consent.
Tell your husband the truth.

Beesandhoney123 · 12/09/2025 23:22

What an absolute nightmare. It doesn't sound like rape to me, it sounds a very drunken idiotic one night stand.

It sounds as if going drinking on a weekend away was your first mistake, and then the emotional turmoil just kind of exploded. Have you considered AA?

You don't sound in a good place to be going on weekends away, and stumbling into disaster. You need to take care of yourself better. Day by day.