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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

TW SA consent?

128 replies

Mercier1 · 07/09/2025 20:57

Hi
please be gentle with me I’m currently alone in an airport trying to get home and feeling broken.

I went to my home country for the weekend on my own and whilst there I was staying with my lifelong BFF. We had a falling out last year that was life altering and we’ve been rebuilding and are so much better. Last night we went for dinner and drinks, she said she has never seen me so drunk: I remember that I was drunk but it’s patchy in places. we started arguing and I became belligerent and a nightmare. I feel nothing but remorse. We ended up having a physical fight and both of us have black eyes now. It’s shocking. (This is not normal for either of us)

here is the really awful bit. I stormed out of her house bc we wouldn’t stay there and got in a cab went looking for a hotel. When I got there the hotel door was closed and I was fairly hysterical and had a bloody face etc. some nice young guys helped me and said you won’t find a hotel they will all be full they did check for me and instead said come back to ours. I did think this was genuine.

i ended up going out with them for more drinks and I hooked up with one of them. I’m married and have two kids again this is out of character and I feel like I’m going to die even writing this down.

long story short we had sex and he removed the condom which I maybe said was ok 🤮 but the worst part is he came inside me without my consent. I was horrified.

I left this morning and went to get the morning after pill with a black eye. I then booked into a hotel so I could shower and I’ve been alone with this all day. I’m about to get on a plane to come home to my lovely family and I feel like the worst person ever.

I guess I’m waiting needing if this was rape? Was I capable of consenting? And what do I do next? I am scared to tell my husband of course and I feel like I need to put it in a box and erase it but that’s not that easy. I just needed to get it out of my head.

OP posts:
DoubleBoubles · 08/09/2025 16:08

I’m sorry to hear this OP, it did sound to me like you were very very drunk and after physically fighting with your friend perhaps not in the best frame of mind to be making logical decisions.
I think you should tell your husband everything that happened with all the context, not to make excuses but he needs to know what a state you were in. If you don’t tell him then it will eat you up inside and the relationship will suffer anyway. I probably wouldn’t go into detail about taking the condom off etc, maybe you can’t remember that bit as it’s going to be awful enough for your husband to deal with without adding that detail into the mix.

Hopefully you can work through it but I know when I found out my husband had sex with someone else the relationship was never the same again and we eventually had to split. Different circumstances though.

millymollymoomoo · 08/09/2025 16:10

So you would be ok if your husband cheated on you, had unprotected sex with a stranger and didn’t tell you ? I don’t believe anyone who says yes they’d be fine with that.

op has messed up. We all do! We’re human. It’s clear she deeply regrets it. I expect op will never enter into such situations ever again. But her husband deserves to know imo

murasaki · 08/09/2025 16:11

There's a lot of hypocrisy here in that on many threads people say the wife has a right to know, but here seem to be ok with her deceiving her husband. It wasn't just a kiss in a bar, it was unprotected sex with a stranger.

Remingtonsteele · 08/09/2025 16:33

murasaki · 08/09/2025 16:11

There's a lot of hypocrisy here in that on many threads people say the wife has a right to know, but here seem to be ok with her deceiving her husband. It wasn't just a kiss in a bar, it was unprotected sex with a stranger.

I’m not ok with it.

and going home with two black eyes and claiming rape / sexual assault makes it seem entirely different from what happened.

Original poster
Mercier1 · 08/09/2025 16:39

Remingtonsteele · 08/09/2025 16:33

I’m not ok with it.

and going home with two black eyes and claiming rape / sexual assault makes it seem entirely different from what happened.

Show quote history

I’m not claiming anything. Please be aware there’s an actual human being reading and feeling everything being said. I’m not a robot. I’m not making out something happened that didn’t. The facts are I had a physical fight with my bff of 35 years for the first time in our lives. My face has a black eye but I also made a series of ridiculous decisions because I was off my face. Incl going off into the night with a bloody face. I mean I was vulnerable it’s not like I picked up a guy in a bar. I was at a hotel trying to get inside to see if they had a room
and these guys intervened. I never got to check if there was space there bc they went in and said it was full and I’d never get a hotel at that time of night and I’d no choice really. I than drank loads more with them. Is it possible they should have put me on the couch? And left me there?

im not making excuses for my behaviour but I was totally vulnerable and had a bust face. It’s not that simple.

OP posts:
Remingtonsteele · 08/09/2025 16:49

You are making excuses.

i’m really sorry.

I hope get home safe and I am sorry you feel regret for what you did.

You made a series of bad decisions. But you remember those decisions. Unless you are claiming you didn’t have capacity to consent? But given that you were in an unknown foreign country, I don’t think anyone here can really advise you on that because the laws on rape will depend on where you were.

murasaki · 08/09/2025 16:52

Remingtonsteele · 08/09/2025 16:49

You are making excuses.

i’m really sorry.

I hope get home safe and I am sorry you feel regret for what you did.

You made a series of bad decisions. But you remember those decisions. Unless you are claiming you didn’t have capacity to consent? But given that you were in an unknown foreign country, I don’t think anyone here can really advise you on that because the laws on rape will depend on where you were.

This. I hope you are ok, and they weren't nice men, but you chose to drink more with them and have sex. They aren't responsible for the black eye, or your choices.

blythet · 08/09/2025 23:36

Mercier1 · 08/09/2025 15:45

If someone ejaculates inside you without consent what is that?

If you’re consenting to unprotected sex and you’ve not specifically said that you don’t want him to cum inside you, it’s not rape. From what you’ve said, I can’t see that he’s done much wrong.

i also think that youre focussing on the wrong part. You seem to think the worst part of the act was him cumming inside you? You agreed to the removal of the condom, so you were at risk of an STD regardless of whether he came or not. Obviously pregnancy is another risk, but the morning after pill solves that part.

In terms of what you’ve done “wrong”: if I was to tell my DH that id consented to unprotected sex with a stranger, that would be a big enough issue regardless of whether he came inside me or not.

i do feel for you as it sounds like you’re having a really difficult time. However, I do think you’re looking to use the word ‘rape’ to ease your own guilt. Trying to twist events so you can claim to your DH that you were raped as opposed to cheating is worrying, particularly when you consented to the unprotected sex

Mookie5 · 08/09/2025 23:55

The OP was obviously injured, drunk and vulnerable and not in a position to fully consent and it’s sounds like she was manipulated by horrible males who could see she was in a vulnerable state. Shocked at people’s judgement. OP work through this with a therapist, give yourself compassion and time to recover.

Florencesndzebedee · 08/09/2025 23:55

This has all stemmed from excess alcohol use. Is this an issue in your life as it sounds like you’re hitting rock bottom?

XxwiccaxX · 09/09/2025 00:01

I’m sorry maybe this is my betrayal trauma speaking but I absolutely do not agree with not telling your husband. Secrets like this don’t stay hidden forever and they shouldn’t.

OneTealMentor · 09/09/2025 00:09

I think what only one person has mentioned is that you have problematic alcohol use which probably needs to be dealt with as it has put you in potentially very dangerous situations. These situations may escalate in future and you owe it to yourself and family to get help with it

Original poster
Mercier1 · 09/09/2025 05:22

Mookie5 · 08/09/2025 23:55

The OP was obviously injured, drunk and vulnerable and not in a position to fully consent and it’s sounds like she was manipulated by horrible males who could see she was in a vulnerable state. Shocked at people’s judgement. OP work through this with a therapist, give yourself compassion and time to recover.

Edited

Thank you. Everyone thinks I’m awful (I am) and I did all this to myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 09/09/2025 05:26

OneTealMentor · 09/09/2025 00:09

I think what only one person has mentioned is that you have problematic alcohol use which probably needs to be dealt with as it has put you in potentially very dangerous situations. These situations may escalate in future and you owe it to yourself and family to get help with it

This. There has been some other destructive behaviour in recent weeks. Sober though. I have definitely drank more than usual over the summer I have my own business and I’m the breadwinner so the pressure is very high and it’s been really challenging to manage the business financially and a million other things but I’ve been through worse and managed better than this.

Ive already made a pact with myself not to drink for a good while to see if I can do that.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 09/09/2025 06:07

The person clearly took advantage of you in a vulnerable state but I personally don’t view this as rape. You should have told him not to remove the condom as you clearly remember that part so weren’t totally out of it. You obviously shouldn’t drink so much that you’re getting into fist fights and going home with a stranger when you’re married with DC. You need to own your behaviour and look for ways to stop it from happening again. I probably wouldn’t tell my husband, but not saying that’s right. This guy could easily have an STD given he acted like that, so you’re going to need to avoid sex with your DH for a while if you’re not going to tell him.

Autumnleaves73 · 09/09/2025 06:19

Mercier1 · 09/09/2025 05:22

Thank you. Everyone thinks I’m awful (I am) and I did all this to myself.

Show quote history

You didn't do this all to yourself
It's men ..it's always bloody men
If two women had found you drunk , injured, confused,
Would they of lied about the hotel being full ?
Given you more to drink ? Had sex with you ?
No
They would of got you medical attention and made sure you were somewhere safe to sleep it off .
It was just very unfortunate you bumped in to two men ,not two women .
You were in no state to consent to sex ,with or without a condom

Women who are not drunk and able to consent to sex ,do not go around just having sex with any random male they meet on a street corner
Those men took advantage of you ,you could not consent in the state you were in .they deliberately accosted you of the street and to their home for sex , instead of getting you medical attention and some help.
They are to blame ,not you op

millymollymoomoo · 09/09/2025 06:38

Rubbish. Op is trying to blame a man for her own actions and that’s horrid. Op was responsible for drinking. For fighting. For more drinking. For agreeing to sex. For agreeing to remove condom. And now wants to lie to her dh about it! She has agency over all that.

she should get sti screening, and help for alcohol use and anything else in her life. This could be the turning point rather than just playing the victim

Albondi · 09/09/2025 06:41

DeeKitch · 07/09/2025 21:00

Sorry this happened

why were you ok with the condom off? He probably took it as read he could finish inside

sounds like you were all drunk

try and get an STI check xxx

No. She was drunk and unable to consent. There is no ‘took it as read.’

Albondi · 09/09/2025 06:43

Meandmyguy · 08/09/2025 08:45

Sounds like guilt, not rape.

No. She was drunk and unable to consent. If that was enough (it was) she was clearly in a state and had a recent black eye.

Albondi · 09/09/2025 06:45

Mercier1 · 08/09/2025 16:39

I’m not claiming anything. Please be aware there’s an actual human being reading and feeling everything being said. I’m not a robot. I’m not making out something happened that didn’t. The facts are I had a physical fight with my bff of 35 years for the first time in our lives. My face has a black eye but I also made a series of ridiculous decisions because I was off my face. Incl going off into the night with a bloody face. I mean I was vulnerable it’s not like I picked up a guy in a bar. I was at a hotel trying to get inside to see if they had a room
and these guys intervened. I never got to check if there was space there bc they went in and said it was full and I’d never get a hotel at that time of night and I’d no choice really. I than drank loads more with them. Is it possible they should have put me on the couch? And left me there?

im not making excuses for my behaviour but I was totally vulnerable and had a bust face. It’s not that simple.

Show quote history

I’m really sorry this happened to you, OP. You were at the very least sexually assaulted and I would say raped. It would have been evident you were unable to consent.

I would talk to a counsellor about this before making any decisions at all. Again, I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Albondi · 09/09/2025 06:47

millymollymoomoo · 09/09/2025 06:38

Rubbish. Op is trying to blame a man for her own actions and that’s horrid. Op was responsible for drinking. For fighting. For more drinking. For agreeing to sex. For agreeing to remove condom. And now wants to lie to her dh about it! She has agency over all that.

she should get sti screening, and help for alcohol use and anything else in her life. This could be the turning point rather than just playing the victim

Really? She was clearly drunk and very distressed, with a recent black eye. And you think the man that told her there were no hotel rooms available and had sex with her in this state is the victim. Give me fucking strength.

Autumnleaves73 · 09/09/2025 06:54

How is it so difficult to see that the two men involved behaved despicably
Would you , reading this ,of behaved as the men did ?
No ..a woman would of got another injured,distressed woman help .
Not had sex with her and poured more drink down her throat
Stop blaming this woman..when it is very clear she needed help ..not assaulted

wandawaves · 09/09/2025 07:01

Don't be ridiculous OP. This was not rape. This was a series of shit decisions by you.
Just because you've now got the guilts, doesn’t mean you can go and cry rape to try to take the blame off yourself.

Albondi · 09/09/2025 07:30

wandawaves · 09/09/2025 07:01

Don't be ridiculous OP. This was not rape. This was a series of shit decisions by you.
Just because you've now got the guilts, doesn’t mean you can go and cry rape to try to take the blame off yourself.

Just to clarify - you’re saying that men can have sex with clearly drunk (and physically distressed) women with no concerns about their ability to consent?

Original poster
Mercier1 · 09/09/2025 07:41

wandawaves · 09/09/2025 07:01

Don't be ridiculous OP. This was not rape. This was a series of shit decisions by you.
Just because you've now got the guilts, doesn’t mean you can go and cry rape to try to take the blame off yourself.

I’m not doing that. Crying rape is a bit far. I came here for anon insight and support. I don’t think this guy intentionally raped me and broke the law but I do think I wasn’t in a head state / sober to consent to what really happened. He definitely encouraged me and pestered me into doing it, it wasn’t my idea ffs. Again I should have said no way. But I didn’t and that’s maybe because of my self destructive problem we have identified but does he have no accountability? He 100% used me.

I am going to call the hotel to see if it was really full.

OP posts: