AIBU to think someone should have helped my mum a long time ago, and to feel hard done by that I don’t have a close, supportive mum in my life?

[motherlandtrouble]

Just wanting to vent, I think, sorry.

My mum has always been ‘difficult’. Our childhood was characterised by her volatile moods - she’d either be shouting at us or giving us the silent treatment from a very young age. My earliest memory is of sitting on the stairs crying for her ‘mummy mummy mummy’ until I felt physically sick, and her completely blanking me as though I didn’t exist. She had weird boundaries, would walk in on us changing and comment on our bodies, go through our possessions, etc. She would make strange comments about my dad’s ex-girlfriends (they married at 23 so there can’t have been many), or when the phone rang, she’d tell us it would be to say my dad had been in an accident.

When I got older, her behaviour got worse. I tried to confide in her e.g. re. going on the pill at 17, which made her go absolutely crazy at me screaming ‘don’t get pregnant’, or when I was having a hard time on a study abroad placement (she’d only let me call home if it was a ‘good’ phonecall). She wanted to put a tracker on my phone to see where I was at all times, wanted a copy of my uni timetable etc. She’d stop talking to me if I spent (my own) money on things she didn’t deem appropriate (e.g. she ‘didn’t believe I was that blind’ when I got contact lenses in my early 20s).

When I met DH and started spending time with his family, she really went off the rails. I suggested she got some counselling, and she emailed apparently on her counsellor’s advice to tell me that she might walk in front of a lorry tomorrow and then I’d be sorry I hadn’t seen her more often. When I was pregnant, she went crying to other family members that I hadn’t shared my scan dates with her (which wasn’t true) and told me she was going to ‘hijack’ my baby from nursery.

She’s always been like this, but every so often, I feel sad that I won’t ever have a supportive, kind mum who I actually want to spend time with and who I can go to for advice or comfort. She’s never been that mum and I don’t actually think that she can be. I have my own child now and it’s becoming even more apparent to me that I’m missing that key support in my life.

I don’t let her be alone with my DS but she manages to be weird even when accompanied. She’s very invested in being a kind of ‘grandma of the year’ in competition with my MIL (who probably pays her absolutely no mind whatsoever and doesn’t know they’re in this competition), bringing presents and being completely OTT affectionate with DS which turns my stomach, if I’m honest. But she also makes odd or hurtful comments constantly, repeatedly calling me ‘horrible mummy’ to DS when I wiped his nose, or shouting ‘complete failure!!’ at him when he was learning to crawl.

I actually don’t think she’s capable of getting better now because she’s been this way for 60 years and seems to show no awareness of her behaviour. I wish somebody had helped her a long time ago (my dad? Her parents?), but it doesn’t seem like anyone did. My dad is very invested in not noticing her behaviour, or pretending everything is OK. If I try to bring up my mum’s behaviour with him, I’m being too sensitive or she doesn’t mean it or ‘you know what she’s like’ etc etc.

Now that I’m a mum myself, I feel very lonely without a supportive mum of my own, and I feel as though I’m second guessing my own parenting of DS because I’m trying always to not be my mum and to be a loving, empathetic and caring mum to him (so the ‘horrible mummy’ comment was really hurtful, especially because I grew up terrified of her).

There’s also the profound damage that her behaviour did to us psychologically and emotionally. I have terrible self esteem, have had some damaging relationships, made a lot of life choices just to try and please her (which of course never did). I’m still feeling the repercussions of her behaviour now in my 30s, and I’m constantly terrified of turning into her. I’ve started to study child psychology to understand what was done to us but also to try and be the best mum I can to my DS, as well as having a lot of counselling on and off over the years. But I think the kind of core wound never goes away, or it gets reopened every time I have to see her, which is much more often than I’d like.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for from this post, I think I just wanted to vent about it all, sorry. Thank you if you’ve got to the end of this!

Many of us mourn for the mother we would like to have had but didn’t get. Especially when we have a child of our own. You can’t change the one you have, just try to work through it all in therapy so that the lingering impact of her behaviour stops with you and isn’t passed on to your children. I do find that doing everything differently to mine has helped my parenting.

Hope letting it all out has helped a bit, what you went through is awful, but never let it define who you are as a mother. You are better than she ever will be, concentrate on your son and don't let her interfere with your life with such negativity. Wishing you all the best ❤️

Thank you both for your kind posts. I think I have to somehow come to terms with the fact that she and my dad will never take any accountability for what happened, and the rest of my family are only interested in keeping up appearances, so I’m cast as the black sheep for not wanting to dance to my mum’s tune any more.

There’s so much more weird stuff that she’s done, like keep her MS diagnosis secret until it was ‘useful’ to her to reveal it to try and draw me back in, which I understand is a bit of a classic move from people who behave like my mum. I don’t understand why she is like she is, or why everyone is so invested in protecting her when she’s acted awfully for so many years, even abusively. The rest of my family seem to think I’m the one at fault for not wanting to put up with it any more, which is very confusing and upsetting. My mum likes to say things like ‘normal daughters would… XYZ’, but never seems to consider she’s not and wasn’t a ‘normal’ mum.

I think you need to concentrate on your own family now. Your mum sounds annoying and a bit inept, but not particularly abusive.

I couldn’t disagree more; this mother/gm sounds extremely damaged & damaging. I’d actually consider cutting her out of mine & my children’s lives to end the cycle of abuse now.

Annoying and bit inept but not particularly abusive?. FGS!!! What’s your definition of abuse?. Did you just skim read the ops initial post?.

Ops mother has been abusive towards her emotionally since early childhood. Your mother op is likely to have some form of untreated and untreatable personality disorder.

Op - It is not your fault she is the ways she is and you did not make her that way. What if anything do you know about her childhood because that gives clues.

Women like this cannot do relationships at all and need a willing enabler to help them, step forward your dad along with all the attendant excuses offered up. He made his choice and he chose his wife. He has also failed you as a parent abjectly. I would urge you to stay away from your parents entirely and grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Do read the out of the fog website.

Yoy won’t turn into your mother because you have two qualities she lacks - empathy and insight.

Indeed people like your parents never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

I found the stately homes thread to be very helpful when coming to similar realisation, the dynamic is not necessarily something people blessed with supportive, emotionally balanced parents understand.

I understand OP, she sounds a lot like my mother.
It's only as I got older that I realised her behaviour wasn't normal.
She tried to get a lot of attention by pretending to be ill, shaved her hair off, sobbing in the middle of Wilkos after announcing to me she was dying of cancer (she wasnt). That was on top of a childhood filled with pretty shitty behaviour and no real care or attention.

I remember I used to go for hospital appointments age 11 at a hospital 45 minutes away while she was at home or out shopping, like wtf.
She was just a drain to go and visit. As I became more aware of her behaviour it was harder and harder to see her. She killed herself eventually which was sad but also a blessing In many ways.

People used to ask how I was after she died and all I thought was I'm more sad that I didn't have a mother to really start with.

As a mother I can't understand anything she did, she never went to my school plays, parents evening etc.
By the end I just put up with her for an hour every 2 weeks then went back to my normal life the rest of the time, if I realised it was a thing I would/should of gone NC.
The funny thing is she never seemed to realise how crap our relationship was and just kept expecting me to be a doting daughter.
I would advise to concentrate on your own family and be the mother she isn't. It maybe that you need to cut contact in the future but just see her as little as possible. X

Pls ignore this op. Your Mum sounds like she was very abusive and mentally ill. I have experienced similar and I know the feeling of at times having to parent two generations.

I'm so sorry. Sending hugs 🫂

Aw thanks, I literally didn't realise she wasn't normal until my 20s!

It’s so hard when you have a child of your own and you suddenly realise that what you suffered was beyond weird or mean but was in fact horrendously abusive. I found myself imagining what it must have been like to do the things my mum did to me as my child turned a certain age. And each time a memory came back and I looked at my beautiful girl’s innocent face my pain got bigger. I mourn for the mum I never had and like you I try to be everything she never was. My dd is almost 18 now and if I could go back in time I would have gone no contact. I would really think about it if I were you. Because now dd is on the verge of leaving home and I’m dealing with an abusive mother where I have to do almost everything for her. It’s like having a giant baby and you can’t not be there because that would be abandoning a lonely, elderly person the rest of the world thinks is wonderful.
Get out now! Focus on being the incredible mother you are to your lovely ds and get yourself and your boy away from her toxicity.

I read your post and wondered where you Dad was when you were being emotionally abused by your Mum.

OP I'm so sorry that this was your childhood.

Would your mum have accepted help, if it had been offered?

Can you spend less time with her? Her hurtful remarks sound really abusive. Don't let your child think that this is OK.

My mother has a few things in common with yours. Her lowest point was perhaps lying about having cancer to manipulate us. There are lots of people with dysfunctional mothers (and fathers who enable them). I completely get the wish to have had a lovely mum like many other people have, but if you are open with people you will find that many others didn’t have that either. Choosing to go LC with your family and being a lovely mum to your children is a win here.

Strange view - i think she was /is completely abusive and her actions have clearly damaged and continue to affect the op .

You are not going to change what happened and how she continues to behave so you have to concentrate on yourself and your healing ,it's very obvious to me that you are a lovely mom doing the total opposite to your own mother ,you have not continued her destruction and your child will know how much they are loved and what stability you have provided.
Can you distance yourself? , i hope you can find peace from all this , you were failed when you should have been loved and cherished .

She sounds very similar to mine who was always smart enough to dish out the mean comments when no one else was around, my dads response was to keep her happy ( no concern for me) and oh well you know what she is like. Keep her at a distance from your child mine started on my daughter when she was five criticising her when she was doing something nice and was pleased with herself , if I say anything then I am the bad person . Just trust your gut xxx

Gosh, really? I think she sounds mentally unstable and emotionally abusive. I think op needs to move far far away and have as little to do with her as possible.

I could have written this! This describes my mother perfectly. I was in my late 20's before I realised what an evil, manipulative, controlling, awful, soul destroying narcissist she is. I'm low contact now, have been for years. I've had therapy, her words & actions were really very harmful. I tried really hard to break the cycle with my own children. You are not alone. Vent away.

I’m so so sorry that this happened to you.

I can totally identify with the lack of understanding about the relationship by your mother - my mum seems to genuinely believe that it’s my fault that we’re not close, and all of the rest of my family are very invested in that narrative too. It really hurts if I dwell on it too much.

Thank you. I was really worried when I saw that post that I was making a mountain out of a molehill, so it’s reassuring (in a way - although sad and horrible as well) to see other posters agree that my mum’s behaviour was abusive.

I totally agree with parenting two generations. My mum wants to be reassured by me that I love her, but by this point I don’t at all, which is deeply sad and not something most people understand at all. Once when I was about 22-23 she was begging me to tell her I loved her, and when I did, she stopped crying, looked me right in the eye and said ‘I know you hate me’. It’s not normal.

If you're worried you'll turn out like your mum, that means you won't.

I too was worried I would turn out like my father (who fitted 7 of 9 NPD checklist items). I definitely didn't.

My mum sounds very similar. Your mum absolutely is abusive and I'm sorry you've suffered all this time. I didn't speak to my mum for about 7 years. It was bliss. We reconnected after a family member died and she behaves SO much better with me (not with anyone else) because she knows I will walk away again. She's still awful don't get me wrong.

I was also upset that no one stepped in while my mum was being like this when we were younger.

I think you need boundaries to stop her being awful to your child and to you. She'll be furious but what have you got to lose, she's such a crap person to be around.

I get it OP. On the parenting side of things, I found The Book You Wish Your Parents Read by Phillipa Perry really helpful. It helped me work through both the anxiety about turning into my mother, and the temptation to essentially compensate for that fear with my own parenting.