AIBU to think someone should have helped my mum a long time ago, and to feel hard done by that I don’t have a close, supportive mum in my life?

[motherlandtrouble]

Just wanting to vent, I think, sorry.

My mum has always been ‘difficult’. Our childhood was characterised by her volatile moods - she’d either be shouting at us or giving us the silent treatment from a very young age. My earliest memory is of sitting on the stairs crying for her ‘mummy mummy mummy’ until I felt physically sick, and her completely blanking me as though I didn’t exist. She had weird boundaries, would walk in on us changing and comment on our bodies, go through our possessions, etc. She would make strange comments about my dad’s ex-girlfriends (they married at 23 so there can’t have been many), or when the phone rang, she’d tell us it would be to say my dad had been in an accident.

When I got older, her behaviour got worse. I tried to confide in her e.g. re. going on the pill at 17, which made her go absolutely crazy at me screaming ‘don’t get pregnant’, or when I was having a hard time on a study abroad placement (she’d only let me call home if it was a ‘good’ phonecall). She wanted to put a tracker on my phone to see where I was at all times, wanted a copy of my uni timetable etc. She’d stop talking to me if I spent (my own) money on things she didn’t deem appropriate (e.g. she ‘didn’t believe I was that blind’ when I got contact lenses in my early 20s).

When I met DH and started spending time with his family, she really went off the rails. I suggested she got some counselling, and she emailed apparently on her counsellor’s advice to tell me that she might walk in front of a lorry tomorrow and then I’d be sorry I hadn’t seen her more often. When I was pregnant, she went crying to other family members that I hadn’t shared my scan dates with her (which wasn’t true) and told me she was going to ‘hijack’ my baby from nursery.

She’s always been like this, but every so often, I feel sad that I won’t ever have a supportive, kind mum who I actually want to spend time with and who I can go to for advice or comfort. She’s never been that mum and I don’t actually think that she can be. I have my own child now and it’s becoming even more apparent to me that I’m missing that key support in my life.

I don’t let her be alone with my DS but she manages to be weird even when accompanied. She’s very invested in being a kind of ‘grandma of the year’ in competition with my MIL (who probably pays her absolutely no mind whatsoever and doesn’t know they’re in this competition), bringing presents and being completely OTT affectionate with DS which turns my stomach, if I’m honest. But she also makes odd or hurtful comments constantly, repeatedly calling me ‘horrible mummy’ to DS when I wiped his nose, or shouting ‘complete failure!!’ at him when he was learning to crawl.

I actually don’t think she’s capable of getting better now because she’s been this way for 60 years and seems to show no awareness of her behaviour. I wish somebody had helped her a long time ago (my dad? Her parents?), but it doesn’t seem like anyone did. My dad is very invested in not noticing her behaviour, or pretending everything is OK. If I try to bring up my mum’s behaviour with him, I’m being too sensitive or she doesn’t mean it or ‘you know what she’s like’ etc etc.

Now that I’m a mum myself, I feel very lonely without a supportive mum of my own, and I feel as though I’m second guessing my own parenting of DS because I’m trying always to not be my mum and to be a loving, empathetic and caring mum to him (so the ‘horrible mummy’ comment was really hurtful, especially because I grew up terrified of her).

There’s also the profound damage that her behaviour did to us psychologically and emotionally. I have terrible self esteem, have had some damaging relationships, made a lot of life choices just to try and please her (which of course never did). I’m still feeling the repercussions of her behaviour now in my 30s, and I’m constantly terrified of turning into her. I’ve started to study child psychology to understand what was done to us but also to try and be the best mum I can to my DS, as well as having a lot of counselling on and off over the years. But I think the kind of core wound never goes away, or it gets reopened every time I have to see her, which is much more often than I’d like.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for from this post, I think I just wanted to vent about it all, sorry. Thank you if you’ve got to the end of this!

I’m so sorry you’ve been through similar. I have the same feelings when I look at my little DS - how could anyone treat their baby like that? At the moment, she’s mostly absolutely saccharine sweet with him, which is honestly horrid to witness (to me) and turns my stomach.

I’d love not to have to see her again but it would cause so much drama and it would ‘prove’ to my family that I’m the problem child - even though I’ve never been anything but a timid little girl then straight-A student then working full time in a professional role - just to try and illustrate that I’ve tried to do everything ‘properly’ and have never caused anyone any bother.

One of my big regrets is that I didn’t have fun when I was younger - travelling, festivals, fun relationships etc - because I was scared and unsure of myself, and to my mind, it was my upbringing that robbed me of that. This stuff is so pervasive.

Are you joking? Not abusive to have your child sobbing for you and to continue giving them the silent treatment. Good grief.

She sounds horrific and as you rightly identify your father is juat as bad for ignoring, minimising and denying the reality of the situation.

i think you should consider getting therapy and significantly reducing contact with your parents... I'm talking a few hours at Christmas and Easter or just go NC.

You are going to need to protect your child from the weirdness ... and it will get weird. She clearly loves to play games and she will go through your child to "get" to you.

Travelling and festivals were vaguely overated but you can still do all those things with your child(ren) there are loads of kids friendly festivals in the uk...

Op as you’ve hopefully seen from this thread this kind of behaviour from a parent is horrifyingly common. I’ve found a few podcasts that help; unfolllowing mum, anything with Lindsay Gibson and her book adult children of emotionally immature parents.

as others have said perhaps consider spending less time with her. I’m like you furious that my childhood affected me so much in terms of people pleasing , fawning, low self esteem etc etc. I also didn’t go to university I was just too scared, and it was also made clear to me that I needed to act as her husband as she hated my dad, how could I leave her.

at least you’ve realised, that’s the first step.

You have the empathy and self awareness to parent your own DC differently. If she starts her behaviours with them then you protect them by withdrawing and tell her exactly why. If she doesnt like it tough! It sounds like your father was complicit in her behaviours too as he couldn't handle her. She won't change so you just mitigate how much you and your own family interact with to her. The rest of the wider family probably don't want to deal with her either so try to push you into being responsible for her.

On no, she sounds abusive - the silent treatment, putting the OP down, undermining her with her child.

My mother is like this and eventually there was massive fight and she stormed off. Not heard from her since really except the odd nudge from her to see if I've come round ( no apology though!)

OP it is awful that your Mum isn't supportive but the only thing you can do is build your own life and not be like her. She'll never change.

It's not your fault and it will take time to come to terms with it. Perhaps some counselling might help to talk things through? You aren't alone though.

Gosh. Op, your mum sounds horrendous. Not annoying. And has left lasting damage on you.

I would actually look to avoid spending any time with her and I wouldn’t want my dcs to spend time with her alone ever.

I would be coming down very hard on any comments she made to my DCs, defending them to the hilt.

Stop the legacy of damage she’s created.

I think it's common to wonder what sort of person you'd be if you hadn't had such parenting. But I just think, well I probably wouldn't have met DH if I'd lived a different life.

And there's much more life ahead of you - dive in! Live life not looking over your shoulder to please her.

You won't please her - she's a bottomless pit.

My mother was very similar but with different supporting anecdotes. I was called a "mean mummy" to my baby by her. I cut contact when DD was 17m and she is now 7. It was the best thing i ever did.

I understand that if your dad is still alive this can add a layer of difficulty to the decision, my Dad died when i was pregnant, and in hindsight what was stopping me going NC earlier in my adult life was that i was terrified that he wouldn't pursue/ put the effort into establishing a relationship with me separate to my mum, and i couldn't handle this.

You need to stop focusing on how you mum could have been fixed and behaved differently, and focus on yourself and your child. Get some therapy, surround yourself with positive mother role models of varying age/ stage, contemporaries, older aunties etc, observe them, talk to them about your concerns about your own parenting. The fact that you are doing this and have this insight will already mean that you will be nothing like your own mum!

And most importantly enjoy being a Mum.

I couldn't disagree more. I wonder if you had an abusive mother or father to think that the OP's mother is merely inept and annoying. I'm sorry if you did.

OP, you should be as low contact with her as possible. If your family cast you as the black sheep, so be it. Your father is also to blame for allowing or even encouraging her to treat you this way. I was blessed with a loving mum, but if I'd been treated like this as a child, a teenager and now as a mum myself, I wouldn't hesitate to cut her out for my sanity and my child's safety and to hell with any "family" who disapproved. Blood is not thicker than water, you owe her (and your father) nothing.

Continue as you are with being a loving mum to your precious child.

I've got a difficult relationship with my mother too. I think it's fairly common, tbh. Mentally ill, damaged people have children all the time after all.

I had no relationship with my father from my late teens and was basically unfathered. He was monstrous, a violent, vicious, spitefully bully who later turned out to have a type of personality disorder. My mother has also got problems, though it's not as clear what they are. There are definitely difficulties with communication and I often feel like I'm the adult in our relationship. The mothering I needed just wasn't there. I really struggle with her now, especially as I have my own kids and can see what is missing. I find that people shrug and go oh well what can you do, and they say either cut her off or just accept it she's your mother.

Neither of these deal with the wound of knowing that something is missing, that you've got a mother shaped hole in your life that cannot be filled. It's really lonely. I couldn't turn to my mother if I needed help or even just if I wanted a light-hearted chat because she will immediately try to lean on me in a way I can't cope with and she's oblivious to the impact she has on me. I've had a couple of people suggest she's on the autistic spectrum. Idk. She can never seem to grasp or understand how I'm feeling.

OP you couldn't stop her abusing you as a child; however, you are now an adult and not only have the power of choice but your own responsibility to protect a child.
What would you tell a friend in your situation to do?
(Remember- you have done nothing wrong to deserve worse treatment than any of your friends.)

I am so sorry. Sounds awful. So painful. My mum was an alcoholic and I often feel like you do. Each stage my kids get at I just wonder what on earth?! Do get some support, you deserve to heal.

Some people with personality disorders have children.

OP, I’m so terribly sorry. Of all the most personal things ever, getting that as a mother isn’t personal. You’ll realise it one day.

Other people won’t understand. They weren’t flung into abuse world which has its own rules - incomprehensible to them as much as to part of you.

Silent treatment is emotional abuse.

She sounds very much like my mother- some parts of what you said are almost identical.

My father completely enabled her, and still tries to tell us how funny it was that she was like that. I've started telling him actually no, it was horrible, utterly miserable to grow up like that. He'll just smirk but at least I'm able to speak up now.

I can ignore my mother for the majority of the time because we're in different countries. It's hard, I know, when they're closer. Sending love.

My mum is very similar. Some bits identical. The grief and fury that becoming a parent myself has brought up has been overwhelming and I've needed therapy to cope with it.

We were able to have a relationship before I had children but since, I have had to go much lower contact. She does not reflect, has never apologised, cannot behave differently/within my boundaries now, so sadly that ultimately means that she isn't allowed to be around my child unsupervised at all, any rarely even when supervised.

Being the cycle breaker is exhausting, but you aren't alone.

I think that my mum could have written your post or a very similar one. She is now in her 70s and can talk fairly dispassionately about her (long dead) parents.

The biggest thing is that both her parents also had dysfunctional parents themselves. I suspect the toxicity goes back many generations.

But - and this is a big but - my parents were able to be good parents to me and my brother. And because of that we are both able to be good parents to our children (hopefully leaving them functional people who can also be good parents and so on and so on in the future).

This is a huge thing in my view. Ending generational toxicity takes just one - very strong - person but changes the lives of so many.

It sounds like you are working hard to be a really good parent and so you will be that person who changes it all for your children, their children and so on.

You are right to feel hard done by. It’s really sad. The main thing is that you recognise it and that you really cherish and enjoy your relationship with your own family.

I think I have to somehow come to terms with the fact that she and my dad will never take any accountability for what happened.

I'm in the same situation @motherlandtrouble and it's a very hard and upsetting one to be in.

If I detailed all the shit my parents pulled during my childhood I'd be here all day, but suffice to say it was a lot along the same lines as yours - enabling father (who disappeared working abroad when I was 9), very controlling narc mother, who like yours was even trying to control where I went when I was 21, ffs. My parents split when I was 21- my father waited until my younger brother turned 18 - and my father literally disappeared abroad, leaving me to deal with the nightmare of my mother on my own. I've never forgiven him for that, I've been complete no contact with him since the day it happened, which is now 36 years ago.

My mother also tried 'competing' with my mother in law, and only stopped because my MIL (same age as my mother) died of cancer aged 70, 14 years ago...it used to disgust me, the bitchy jealous comments my mother used to make about her. My inlaws were the polar opposite to my parents, my husband had a wonderful, supportive childhood and seeing that confirmed to me how utterly shit my parents had been.

I will never forgive either of my parents for ruining my childhood. I certainly don't love either of them. I deliberately live on the other side of the world from my mother when I was 25 and am very low contact with her - I haven't seen her in 16 years and realised recently that I don't actually care if I ever see her again.

I made the decision at a very young age that I wouldn't have children. Neither myself or my two brothers have done so. Of course, my mother can't understand why...

And then you end up in the difficult position when they are old and ill and need care . I have 2 siblings who live nearby and where the favoured children who did what they were told, I made my own decisions and said no which was the problem ! But neither is very good at making decisions or communicating and now it’s a tricky situation that I am staying out of but I feel people judge me for not being a caring daughter and rushing to help when in reality my mum has never showed any care or concern for me xx

Who are 'the family' that would think that you were the problem child? Are they people you love and respect? Think how peaceful and calm your life would be without her in it. Even though she is saccherine sweet to your son now, it's probably only because she is in competition with your MIL for his affections. It isn't real because she doesn't know how to love a child.

If you don't want to cut her off completely, you can certainly vastly reduce the time you spend with her. You also need to absolutely put your foot down and tell her that she either stops saying stuff like 'horrible mummy' and 'complete failure' or she will not be welcome in your home.

My Dad has suffered from lifelong mental illness and I’ve also felt anger/frustration at times wondering why his parents didn’t do more and why on earth my Mum had a child with him and stayed with him as he made our lives so difficult (she did get him help but he caused so many problems).

I’ve now accepted that he is who he is and support him emotionally, rather than expecting anything from him. I can’t change anything, all I can do is learn how to parent differently, and I have.

Your mother is extremely abusive, and it seems to me that she is mentally unbalanced. There is nothing you can do about that, because she thinks she is fine (as they often do) and will blame you all the time. Her behaviour is about as far from normal as it is possible to get, but she will never, ever admit it.

You need to put your own welfare, and that of your dc first. If that means cutting her off completely, then that is what you are going to have to do.

I'm so sorry.

I wanted to also extend my understanding and support to you. The feelings you describe I recognise well from living with my own dysfunctional parents. It's like a grief process accepting that they'll never be the loving parents you wanted or deserve. In my case having kids was the catalyst to breaking contact with my mum. I spoke up about the abuse. She denied it of course but i felt better for standing up for myself and ultimately pledging not to let my kids think it was acceptable. It has been 9 years and I am glad to have some peace. It was sad along the way as my mum ensured everyone in the extended family snubbed me or tried to persuade me to return. I gradually lost everyone from my original family. Losing others I loved has been the hardest part. However as my husband reminds me you can lean into being the blacksheep! It's ok to choose a different way. A healthier way. Try not to feel guilty for putting yourself or your children first. Counselling with a specialist in trauma can help (ask via Nhs). Don't let anyone minimise or invalidate your experience. Being the mum you needed for your own children can be cathartic and surrounding yourself with people who become your family of choice- kind people you deserve. Keep talking! X