At breaking point with grumpy/horrible/possibly depressed DH

[Pistachioscent]

Namechanged. I could really do with thoughts and advice because I feel powerless and so upset right now.

DH and I have been together for 25 years. I would say our marriage has been broadly good. He is (was?) kind and respectful, and our dynamic has been mutually supportive. However, he’s never been great at talking about his emotions or managing them. I’d say for the first 15 or so years, he might get into a bad mood, or lose his temper/overreact to stress a couple of times a year. He would always apologise and calm down quickly. None of us are perfect, and the good times outweighed the bad, so I have lived with this…

Over the past few years, his temper has got worse. He is grumpy and snappy with me and our lovely, straightforward teenage and young adult kids. I feel we are often walking on eggshells these days. When he is out or at work, the house is lighter, calmer, more fun…

He’s currently under some big work stress, and his behaviour has become unbearable. The stress should abate within the next month or so, so I have been trying to be understanding. But tonight he exploded over something so ridiculous, and was typically nasty in the immediate aftermath.

He was very very obviously in the wrong. He rarely admits to being wrong these days (he seems to think his behaviour is justified usually), but this time he actually did. I left the room and he messaged apologising, but then proceeded to say he feels old, tired and miserable and like there is nothing to look forward to. Says he finds family life as well as work totally exhausting and is sick of everything. For context, we live mortgage free in a lovely house and our teenage/young adult kids are straightforward and thriving. Not a stealth boast - I just want to point out how easy we have it in so many ways. (That said, he has a poor relationship with his parents, and sadly my own parents are no longer alive. So that is challenging…but we have made our own family! We have a great circle of friends etc etc!)

His words sound like those of a depressed person I know, but I am struggling to sympathise when we are used as the emotional punchbags for whatever he’s going through. I feel like I am dealing with a 14 stone toddler on that front. I would love him to seek help - therapist and/or doctor - but I know he will point blank refuse.

We are late 40s. Sorry this is long but can anyone relate/offer advice to me?

Also to say, I am holding it together as best I can for the kids - and sometimes almost excusing his behaviour, which I know is unhealthy. Tonight DS said ‘dad wasn’t being very nice to you’ and I said ‘yes, and it’s not okay, but he is very very stressed at work’. Not good I know.

Plus, I feel my own health is being impacted by this. Have been drinking a bit too much and also secretly vaping when I gave up cigarettes years ago. My blood pressure is already high so this is all stupid of me…but I think it really indicates the extent to which I am not coping.

I just came on to post nearly exactly the same thing.

I don’t have any advice to offer because I don’t know what to do myself. But you’re not alone. It is exhausting. I kind of feel at the moment that if I could magic us divorced and all the logistics ironed out, I would. The house is so relaxed when he isn’t in it. I have tried so much to help him but he just isn’t interested.

Sorry not any more help. I hope things improve for you.

I might join you! Don’t know if it’s hormones or what, but I just can’t be doing with pandering any more! He’s a grown man, act like one. Sounds harsh but we’ve all got areas to deal with. How does his stress trump yours?! And managing him is adding to yours! Solidarity, OP.

I had a very similar husband 5 years ago and after some antidepressants which were awful and therapy we worked out it was his hormones he’s been on TRT so essentially HRT for men just the testosterone element and it’s been amazing, he has more energy lost his belly, managed stress and even looks younger it was a 3 month transformation, and well worth exploring.

Had we known that would have been our first call, so I’d suggest bloods to check levels of everything, a GP full check and then see if the TRT helps, it’s a massive mood booster and helped so much.

he’s the perfect age for this to be his issues, but rule out other medical stuff first, or he could just be a wanker, but he sounds fairly decent!

@DoublePoppy - thank you, and sorry you are going through similar. Are you the same age as us? It sort of feels like a midlife crisis, which I think might be exacerbated by our eldest about to go off to uni. DC is into a very prestigious university and hopefully has an exciting future ahead. I think it’s made DH look at his own path - he hasn’t had the most successful of careers and has always felt a bit unfulfilled…

But, you know, so do lots of us. And he has me and the DC and as I said, we have a very nice life compared to so many…

This sounds familiar. My husband went to the go and got antidepressants (he won't do counselling). He's been so much better. Like the old dh. Lighter. More fun. Normal.

Although he has slipped a bit lately and is having discussions about changing his meds. But that's because he felt better and wants to continue to feel better.

Meds aren't always the answer but dh doing something about it was.

He goes to gp or leaves to live elsewhere with his family or friends or a hotel.
Up to him.
Up to you to set your boundaries

It sounds like you’re in a very financially fortunate position at the moment.

Could you rent an Airbnb for a month near his work and he can go stay there until this stressful period is over?

Be very clear with him that he is moving out and avoiding all parenting and housework etc for an entire month because you actually prefer the house when he’s not in it because he’s behaving so badly and that if he wants to move back in in a months time when the supposed reason for his stress (the work situation) is complete, he better be a 100% better person or him living separately could become permanent.

Teach your child something positive, especially the one who is heading off to uni; if the person you live with behaves like an arsehole then they don’t get to live with you anymore.

lets hope you never have depression and someone has to deal with a grumpy horrible you

depression is soul destroying

@Offherrockingchair - exactly! I am becoming so resentful and really questioning what the rest of my life looks like. I know it’s not ok. I know I could think about getting divorced but it’s almost like all this negativity has crept up and I can’t seem to accept it’s really him, if that makes sense?

@reversegear - thank you and sorry interesting. And yes, I do think he is decent at his core - but he is not behaving decently at the moment and hasn’t really for some time. How did you persuade him to see the doctor etc? DH is the type of man who never visits the GP and finds therapy-speak excruciating (he’s from a very buttoned up, boarding school background).

Op I told him he had to leave, or go to the GP, I was in your exact place managing a giant moody toddler and stepping around his moods. So that was the wake up call as soon as he went I gave him some slack.

@AlwaysFreezing - thank you. Would love to know how you navigated getting him to seek help.

@RogerR4bbit - hmm not really on the finances! We own our house but there is no spare money in terms of income.

@mmsnet - yes, I know it can be soul destroying. My mother was so mentally ill that she was sectioned. I had to deal with that and a lot of family trauma and grief myself. I have struggled with my own mental health as a result of my background- but actually, I try very hard not to let it impact my loved ones. DH doesn’t seem to be able to do that, which makes me very resentful.

Do you work? Does he feel it is his job to support the family ? Does he ever say he doesn't feel valued ?
Your description is my ex husband - he told me he was just an angry man. He was eventually diagnosed as diabetic and this of course affects moods of untreated. He wouldn't take any ADs. It was a misery as I was given the blame for everything. He has had an affair a few years before so our marriage never really got back on track after that. He left one day without saying and we are now divorced. He married his affair partner a couple of years later. I am SO thankful not to be married to him. It affects you, your personality, your heath and your mental well being. He was the same in being unable to talk about anything.

@jamnpancakes - thanks so much for sharing your story. DH is the main earner and I work freelance - my income is unpredictable but it’s not like I don’t contribute. I know the pressure of that weighs heavily on him, BUT it’s not that different to many families we know that seem to cope. Also inheritance from the sadly early deaths of my parents meant that we could buy a house. It was a devastating time for me when they died within two years of each other, and I’d rather they were around…but it did mean I brought quite a lot to the table financially, which has made our lives easier.

What were your DH’s diabetes symptoms, apart from the bad temper?

Sorry to hear you’re going through this OP and PPs. It sounded very much like how life was with my husband over the last year - the eggshells, the kicking off over minor things, the never feeling like I could do anything right, and never getting an apology when I pushed back. He kept saying that life was miserable and he never expected it to be like this. (For context, we also had a beautiful house and two lovely children, although the youngest needed surgery that year, which was extremely stressful)

Sadly it later turned out that my husband was having an affair, and keeping the secret was making him explode in random directions. The constant attacks on my character were his attempts to justify his guilt.

I don’t mention this to scare you. But before I found out, I was looking at a lot of threads exactly like this one - and every time, there was always one person saying “this is how my husband acted when he was having an affair”. It planted a seed, and as a result I was able to find out and get ready for a divorce on my terms.

I’m not saying that’s what’s going on, but keep your wits about you. Either way, you know something needs to change very soon. I wish you the best of luck.

to expand a bit more - part of me feels like I cannot fix this, and he needs to sort this out himself. I can see DH framing it as a problem with US, but I know the problem lies with HIM. That sounds arrogant but he will say things like ‘I am so sick of these arguments’ when it’s not an argument, it is him losing his temper or snapping over nothing or talking to me in a horrible ytone.

I often think I should just check out and never call him out on shitty behaviour and just see if he pulls himself out of his own crisis. Just get on with my life, do things for myself that makes me happy and leave him to find his was out of this. But that seems impossible to do. Has anyone done that?

I feel I have lost the man I fell in love with tbh. I don’t recognise him sometimes.

@EmmaThompsonsTears - thank you and it’s funny you say that, because I recently had a dream he was having an affair just a few weeks ago! I actually told him about it as it was quite upsetting- he almost fell off the bed laughing and promised me one hundred percent he was not.

I do believe him. We actually (for once) had a good conversation following that - I said that maybe it was indicative of me feeling neglected as he has been so short tempered and distant lately. He said sorry, blamed work stress, said he’ll try harder…but, we are now back to the same old shit.

Mine was behaving like that and yes, he was having an affair for 5 years. It was like he was in turmoil mentally. He knew what he was doing was wrong I guess and took all his frustrations out on me and my DS at home. We could do nothing right and were forever walking on egg shells. Cheaters will never admit what they are up to and they will gaslight you. Not saying this is what's going on, but just something to consider perhaps.

Why are men so shit once they get to a certain age?!

I’ve got another moody, angry, shouty DH who has decided his lovely family life is not for him 🙄

We’ve got a nice house (not where we’re meant to be but we haven’t moved because of his job, in spite of that always being the agreed plan), two amazing DC and should be happy but he’s not.

He’s mid-40s, I’m early 50s. We each lost a parent in the last few years, he got a big new, important job 3 years ago and can’t handle the stress, we agreed I’d be a SAHP but he totally resents me not working and complains that the house is a tip (it’s not) despite him doing nothing with the DC or house (he had to ask what year they were in). He’s never done much with the DC (think no bedtimes, no baths, no park visits, no clubs etc) yet complains he doesn’t feel part of the family. Divorce is when not if, which give me such a warm fuzzy feeling each and every day 😡

I think these cretins get married as they think it’s a good idea, then can’t cope when they’re no longer the centre of your attention and they realise that having DC is actually quite hard going. They then hit their 40s and have a “Is this it?” moment and take it out on the person that’s meant to be the most important person in the world to them. They’re useless! How do we have so many men who are seemingly incapable of having really basic relationships?

Sorry OP. Nothing but sympathy 💐

Oh and mine had a serial cheat for a dad so has always sworn blind he would never cheat.

We’ve had a mystery pair of very female looking socks in his washing (he’s away with work a couple of nights every week), a blonde hair that could belong to a DC but was in the same wash as the socks and a Find Friends request on his phone from someone coincidentally called a longer version of the name of his “FB friend” he’d randomly showed me a few days before. When I asked him who it was his reply was “Sorry…I don’t have an answer. I don’t know what that was”. He’s in tech and very clued up on these things 🤨

It does sound tough. If he has moments of being more approachable, can you say that it was nice the see the version of him you’re used to? Can you ask him ‘What does better look like?’ ….
Sounds like he is blaming how he feels on the wrong things….maybe he’s envious of your DC starting out - and that’s ok but he needs to talk about it and process it as that won’t change.
Be honest about feeling you’re walking on egg shells and the DC are clocking his behaviour and say he needs to reflect on that and do better.

My DP was like this 2 years ago. We have only been together for 4 years. I moved in with him after a year. Both mid 40s good jobs and no kids.

he became depressed through stress at work. Lived together for 6 months all great. He just became grumpy, moody, snappy and started to drink more. He disengaged from home life. I walked on egg shells, intimacy left. We had many arguments. I had enough, begged him to get help. he is from military background and hides his emotions.

i left and bought a house and moved out. We split up for 6 weeks. He came to talk to me one day and it all came pouring out - he was depressed. I knew but he didn’t want to admit it. I told him I would only get back together if he sought help and talked to me.

He did and 2 years later we are great. still separate homes, but he practically lives at mine. Opens up more and will tell me if he is struggling.

ours was drastic, but we went through that journey

I had this.

he was just generally irritable and a pain in the arse to be around.

i mentally checked out and got on with my life.

I don’t think it helped that our DC at the time, one was going through major medical stuff (eventually got diagnosed with a serious auto -immune disease) and the other didn’t get any offers for uni.

it sort of worked. I encouraged him to take a job where he travelled a lot and he was out if the house a lot. One teen spent a LOT of time round his girlfriends’ house. The other retreated to her bedroom and we put a lock on it.

he began drinking a lot and eventually it all fell apart .

honestly I’m not convinced it was as the right thing to do. I thought he loved our kids as much as I did but events since have shown that he really doesn’t and both are impacted psychologically by the feeling he doesn’t like them.

one is very gung ho about it “he’s a bad person and I’m glad he’s out of my life” sort of thing while the other is more ambivalent - he’d like the parental approval but knows in his heart it won’t be coming.

I think you need to have a serious and very frank discussion with him. Let him know you expect him to find a way to deal with his emotions without behaving in this unacceptable way. Offer some suggestions maybe ie therapy, anger management, GP, appointment. Be clear you will not tolerate his behaviour and then leave him to decide how he moves forward. If he continues to act in this unacceptable way then yes I would check out. Don’t respond to the shouting, snapping etc and just put an imaginary bubble around yourself and your children. Plan nice things to do without him, prioritise self care, spend time with friends etc He has a choice he changes or you move on in life without him. No one should have to live with being snapped at, walking on egg shells etc Lots of people have incredibly stressful jobs, financial situations etc and do not treat their families like this. It’s not an excuse.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the responses, so please keep them coming.

I am as sure as I can be that he’s not having an affair - but I do take on board everything that’s been said. Either way, I think I need to secure my position- get my income more stable and also look after my own mental and physical health, neither of which are very good right now as a result of all this.

I mentioned he is very stressed at work and this will ease up a bit soon hopefully. I think I need to see how he is after this - though last night when I said supportively that things would feel less stressful once this work period is over, he replied ‘work will be the same’, which doesn’t bode well. Only a month or so ago he was talking about how much he loves his company and it’s the best place he’s worked. I am beginning to wonder if he’s been putting on a show and it’s all slipping now, or if he’s in a crisis that’s worsening?

@Bunnie007 - I know, it’s not okay at all. I look at friends with warm, gentle, kind husbands and feel like crying tbh. He was always prone to the odd mood, but used to make me feel so loved and appreciated. That’s all gone now.