At breaking point with grumpy/horrible/possibly depressed DH

[Pistachioscent]

Namechanged. I could really do with thoughts and advice because I feel powerless and so upset right now.

DH and I have been together for 25 years. I would say our marriage has been broadly good. He is (was?) kind and respectful, and our dynamic has been mutually supportive. However, he’s never been great at talking about his emotions or managing them. I’d say for the first 15 or so years, he might get into a bad mood, or lose his temper/overreact to stress a couple of times a year. He would always apologise and calm down quickly. None of us are perfect, and the good times outweighed the bad, so I have lived with this…

Over the past few years, his temper has got worse. He is grumpy and snappy with me and our lovely, straightforward teenage and young adult kids. I feel we are often walking on eggshells these days. When he is out or at work, the house is lighter, calmer, more fun…

He’s currently under some big work stress, and his behaviour has become unbearable. The stress should abate within the next month or so, so I have been trying to be understanding. But tonight he exploded over something so ridiculous, and was typically nasty in the immediate aftermath.

He was very very obviously in the wrong. He rarely admits to being wrong these days (he seems to think his behaviour is justified usually), but this time he actually did. I left the room and he messaged apologising, but then proceeded to say he feels old, tired and miserable and like there is nothing to look forward to. Says he finds family life as well as work totally exhausting and is sick of everything. For context, we live mortgage free in a lovely house and our teenage/young adult kids are straightforward and thriving. Not a stealth boast - I just want to point out how easy we have it in so many ways. (That said, he has a poor relationship with his parents, and sadly my own parents are no longer alive. So that is challenging…but we have made our own family! We have a great circle of friends etc etc!)

His words sound like those of a depressed person I know, but I am struggling to sympathise when we are used as the emotional punchbags for whatever he’s going through. I feel like I am dealing with a 14 stone toddler on that front. I would love him to seek help - therapist and/or doctor - but I know he will point blank refuse.

We are late 40s. Sorry this is long but can anyone relate/offer advice to me?

Love how you turned that dream into an opportunity to share some home truths with him, that’s really smart!

I also had an incident where I found something really suspicious in the house and confronted DH about it - he laughed it off and we also had a great conversation afterwards about where our marriage was at. It turned out he was lying to my face, but at the same time, he believed everything he was saying about our positive future together. He was just going through a very mixed up time.

We’d been together 15 years, so I believed him that day. I had no idea he could lie so easily. It wasn’t until 3 months later that I went through his phone and found undeniable evidence of the affair.

We all think it won’t happen to us - it’s the stuff of high drama, not our own everyday lives. It’s the kind of thing shaggers do, not people who were shy virgins when we met them (!!). But life can really smack you in the face sometimes.

Sorry to go off on a tangent there - I really hope it’s not the case for you, and he genuinely is just depressed! It’s so hard when they won’t admit fault, and say you’re picking fights when you’re just pushing back on totally unreasonable behaviour! “You just want an argument” was a line I got a lot, which couldn’t have been further from the truth! So yeah, massive solidarity.

I completely understand the temptation to check out, but I think you know deep down that if you stop trying to make it work, it really is lost. Maybe it’s ultimatum time?

You say he went to boarding school, I know you also said he wouldn't consider therapy, but have you considered boarding school syndrome? A lot of his behaviours align.

My cousin has made a very good living specialising in treating men for this.

Perhaps something to consider.

@Octavia64 - sorry you went through this and glad he is out of your life. Lock on bedroom door for your dd sounds very concerning, if you don’t mind me saying. Was she frightened of him? Mine are not threatened to that extent by DH, but I can see they think he is a grumpy idiot a lot of the time.

I am planning to disengage over the next few months and if things are no better by the new year, I will make a big decision. Either ‘get help or leave’, or maybe even just ‘leave’. I don’t think he will seek help tbh.

For those who faced similar and strengthened themselves, tell me how? Also tips for disengaging - it’s easier said than done. Last night DH agreed to cook something for dinner during the day, got home from work and decided to go for a run. I got the agreed dinner started, he got home, said ‘what’s this?!’ about the food and then had a total meltdown about ‘being expected to cook!’ To be clear, he normally does most of the cooking - insists upon it. He was shouting at me because a tomato sauce needed making, when I pointed out he’d agreed to it by showing him the messages from few hours back, he DID say sorry - he’d forgotten apparently, and that’s when all the depressive words came spilling out.

But in those moments before when he was shouting at me, what was I supposed to do?

@PinkCherryPie - I know about BS syndrome and convinced many of DH’s problems are due to this.

However, I also think he’ll refuse to have any kind of therapy, so that is an issue. I feel angry about this. Not a competition but my background is far more traumatic than his (a whole other thread). I’ve had therapy. I do things to improve my mental health so it doesn’t affect us and the DC. Meanwhile, he is destroying our family.

What is behaviour like with friends and colleagues? That will give you a huge clue.

I think your plan to observe for the next couple of months, and if no better by new year is enough time to give this. Then make a decision for your future.

I couldn’t live like this, you shouldn’t have to and it’s not good for your relationships with your children. They will likely feel concerned for you, and that’s not how you’d want them to view you. He’ll wear you down and it’ll be harder to then leave.
I think you already know that this is who he is but get things organised, have a plan so that when you are ready, you’ll be ready.
good luck.

My DH has been off work with burn out for two months, and has recently gone back part time. It has taken a lot of courage for him to face up to this, and to take any action at work. He’s not ‘buttoned up’ in the way you describe, but he’s far too likely to say yes when he wants to / should say no. He went to the dr of his own volition and is now seeing a therapist too. He too was getting really short tempered, over sensitive, over reacting to things our teens said or did. I would imagine that, given his background, your DH finds it incredibly hard to be vulnerable or to open up.

I don’t know if you say it out loud to him, but pointing out how nice your life is and how grateful he should be, is not going to help. If he’s feeling down despite all the lovely things you have, it’s just another stick to bash him on the head with, and it shows you really aren’t listening to him. It comes across as denying his feelings - ‘how can you possibly be so miserable when we have this lovely life / house / children / friends???’ Or the bit about him feeling the pressure at being the main breadwinner and this being normal among your friends? To him it might sound like ‘they can all handle it, why can’t you, you wimp?’ Or the fact that you can cope with your mh issues but he apparently can’t? Well yes, everyone is different! Things happen in my DHs life that knock him for six but which I would just shrug off, and vice versa.

By jumping to point out why he shouldn’t feel the way he does, you aren’t giving him much space to open up. Are you scared of the consequences if he does? The longer it goes on, the worse it will probably be in the end.

@StopGo - he holds it together in front of colleagues. Obviously he does because if he lost his shit over every minor frustration, or shouted at people as a result of something he’d forgotten, he’d be fired 😂

I do notice him wanting to see friends less over the past year or so. Part of this is down to money (we can’t afford big meals out at the moment) but he also lacks energy for others joining us for a walk or whatever. I think at the weekend he’s tired from days at work (his job is quite ‘outward’ - lots of presentations and meetings) and doesn’t feel chatty.

You and your children should not be made to feel miserable by your husband.
What is it with husbands that their moods affect the happiness of the entire household.

You are right to increase your own income, it would not hurt to look around at future housing online either. That way you can weigh up your options.

If things do improve then that is great but how long until the next time he has stress overload. It may be that he would be happier too if you split and become a better father. I think you said your husband is ex forces, is he not in any forces social groups, if not it may be an idea for him to join one.

Good luck whatever happens. It is not a crime to put your happiness first.

sounds like you are currently trying to control his mood and behaviour and being appeasing and making excuses for him

all of which does not work

it would be good for you to be clearer about your own boundaries and call him out on his bad behaviour, “just because you are stressed does not mean you can treat me like this

it would be much better for your kids to see you stand up for yourself rather than protecting the peace at great cost to yourself

good luck, find the courage to say “ I do not accept being treated like this”

@rickyrickygrimes - that’s an interesting perspective and thank you. Lots to think about, and what I’ve articulated I’m sure might well make DH feel worse. And yet there is a bottom line here - I don’t think I deserve to be shouted at etc, however burnt out he’s feeling.

It also, if I’m blunt, is making me lose respect for him. I can’t help but feel - why can’t he cope when we have so much? Why does he take out his stress on the people he’s meant to cherish the most? What do I get out of this marriage? Where’s my support? That makes me sound selfish but it’s how I honestly feel. Resentful he can’t seem to handle his life at the moment, and spoiling mine and the kids’ in the process…

@Pinkfreedom - thank you. Not ex-forces but ex-boarding school, kind of similar 😂

You’ve probably walked on eggshells long enough. When he says he’s sick of the arguments, it would be a good idea to calmly respond; “Nobody is arguing with you, you’re just very angry again.” I’d be leaving the space he’s in every time he starts.

Healthier boundaries would be good for your own well being, and to show your children that you’re not allowing yourself to be treated poorly. Go running or swimming, spend time with the kids or friends, make sure you’re getting out regularly and experiencing some positive interactions with others.

If his behaviour doesn’t change with stronger boundaries on your side, it might be that the single life would be a happier one for you.

I could’ve written this post myself. I’m answering now so I can follow and will probably come back later. Certainly with my DH I do know he at times feels a little used by us all and not supported enough. Equally, he has some issues that he needs to work through and probably even get therapy for. Such as the state of his relationship with his parents, weight management, and probably hormonal management. So far he seems happier to explode than to actually do anything proactive.

So sorry I must have mixed up posts.

Just take your time to make your decisions, try to enjoy your family time.
I know that the home life suffers when one person's mood is grumpy, it's just not fair that one person upsets the rest of the family. Good luck with your increased income plans.

OP: You say your finances are good. I'd say you're "safe", as the mortgage is paid off, but if you don't even have enough money to go out for a meal and you're just sending a child off to university and funding him several grand a year for the next 3-4 years, that's an extra strain.

Is your husband the main earner? That's a lot of responsibility and can feel crushing. I think you should check your finances for any loans/debt that he may be hiding from you.

Also, do you work and if so, what kind of hours and how much is your contribution to the family finances?

It does sound as though a GP appointment to rule anything medical out should be his priority. I hope he can be persuaded.

He’s very focused on work. I’m also very affected by how things go at work. My dad, sent to boarding school aged 6 😫was sent daily newspapers by his parents and tbh he always had a closer and more stable relationship to to the newspapers than any human. No doubt your dh’s academic work was always a big part of his identity, and he transferred that to work.

Can you say to him, and mean it, a couple of big messages?

• that he seems very unhappy, you look back on what therapy did for you and find it very hard that he won’t consider the obvious first step of seeing his GP?
• that if he wants to change job and reduce his stress, he can do that and you will make a plan together - but only if he has seen the GP, because you have made bad decisions when unwell before and want him to have some support?

I think going on about how lovely your life is, when for him right now it is a vale of tears, is not helpful and will make him feel more alienated.

@CinnamonJellyBeans - you are right. He is the main earner and I know that responsibility is a lot. I do earn as well, but not as much - and my income is unpredictable month by month. However, we agreed together some years ago that it made sense for me to do this and it would be manageable.

It obviously isn’t manageable though, to him, even though we have no debt and enough to pay the bills each month. I am looking for salaried roles but it’s difficult because my experience and industry is quite niche. TBH though, I feel he is not keeping to the deal we made in terms of how we manage our income - and that also makes me feel resentful.

Haven’t got time to read the whole thread. If your all walking on eggshells around him so he doesn’t snap, and he finds no joy in anything, it is probably depression. My husband went through it twice, the first time he was nasty, argumentative, and I was his emotional punching bag. It was draining and honestly a horrific time. It took me too long to realise it was depression and when I told him he poo pooed it. Telling me I was in the wrong, and he would try to change his behaviour, do more exercise. Eventually I had to give him an ultimatum, which was get out of the house and don’t come home until you have antidepressants. He did get some that day(when doctors saw patients!). It was still hard for a month or so whilst they kicked in but he also tried harder. He never realised how horrible he was being until I broke down one day and told him it had was so bad every knock on the door I hoped it was the police telling me he was dead, because that’s how awful it was. He slowly got better and hated being on the antidepressants so stopped one day without discussion with me or the doctor- that was another saga which may have been when I told him how bad it had gotten for us!! He’s had one more bought of depression since and was less resistant to taking medication!
Please tell him to get help, tell him you want to spend the rest of your life with him but he is making it impossible and it is affecting the kids also and he needs antidepressants. If you have to make an ultimatum for your peace then do it.

so in my situation what I did:

we sat down and (re) allocated household tasks. So for example at the weekend we cooked a meal each (teen1, teen2, me and dh). DH’s meals were often hours and hours late. So we agreed that “because the teens were often busy” everyone would get their own Saturday lunch. Teen1 and teen2 and I still did our meals.

in the same way, cleaning the house was split up be room. So teen1 was made responsible for their bedroom and bathroom, teen2 did their bedroom and the family bathroom, dh did our bedroom and our en-suite and I did the kitchen/diner and lounge.

dh pretty much never cleaned our bedroom and en-suite so I switched to using the family bathroom.

basically I fixed it so that although he was officially on the rota and contributing to family life the only person him not doing stuff affected was him (and me to an extent) but not the teens.

everyone did their own laundry and I bought everyone multiple ikea bags and a foldable airer.

it sort of worked in that there were much fewer rows - his meals had been three hours late, etc etc etc.

the teens could see he wasn’t pulling his weight though.

we put the lock on my DD’s door because he had a habit of going into her room and talking for literally hours about how hard his life was. At the time she was extremely ill with no diagnosis (eventually diagnosed with a fairly serious auto immune disorder) and she got so fed up of having to listen to him whinge on about how hard his life was while she was literally bed bound and out of school we put a lock on it.

He needs to go to the doctor for a check up. Get blood work done.

How is his physical health in general?

It does sound like a mid life crisis, and he also needs to double check his iron levels etc.

My friend, at the same age, had a chronic blood condition at that age (he blames the covid vaccine, it did impact some people in strange ways). At any rate he needs to go for a check up, discuss his physical and mental health with his doctor and speak to a therapist.

You said: « I am becoming so resentful and really questioning what the rest of my life looks like. »

Really suggest that you say this to him directly. It’s perfectly reasonable to feel that way- your kids are adults/ nearly adults and you’re looking forward to the next phase of life.

Get a job. That will cheer him up.

I think midlife crises/ breakdowns are the equivalent to menopause with us but they’ve been given a ‘only some men’ coat of paint, so we’re ready (as we can be) for our irrational hormonal behaviour but they still think they’re normal and the problem is everyone else! Saying you have it good because you’re mortgage free etc probably won’t help as he still has to deal with work shit, bills, health issues, watching people he knows get sick/ die etc. I know two men who’ve attended counselling and it really helped but looking at my dh I don’t know how over men to take that step