At breaking point with grumpy/horrible/possibly depressed DH

[Pistachioscent]

Namechanged. I could really do with thoughts and advice because I feel powerless and so upset right now.

DH and I have been together for 25 years. I would say our marriage has been broadly good. He is (was?) kind and respectful, and our dynamic has been mutually supportive. However, he’s never been great at talking about his emotions or managing them. I’d say for the first 15 or so years, he might get into a bad mood, or lose his temper/overreact to stress a couple of times a year. He would always apologise and calm down quickly. None of us are perfect, and the good times outweighed the bad, so I have lived with this…

Over the past few years, his temper has got worse. He is grumpy and snappy with me and our lovely, straightforward teenage and young adult kids. I feel we are often walking on eggshells these days. When he is out or at work, the house is lighter, calmer, more fun…

He’s currently under some big work stress, and his behaviour has become unbearable. The stress should abate within the next month or so, so I have been trying to be understanding. But tonight he exploded over something so ridiculous, and was typically nasty in the immediate aftermath.

He was very very obviously in the wrong. He rarely admits to being wrong these days (he seems to think his behaviour is justified usually), but this time he actually did. I left the room and he messaged apologising, but then proceeded to say he feels old, tired and miserable and like there is nothing to look forward to. Says he finds family life as well as work totally exhausting and is sick of everything. For context, we live mortgage free in a lovely house and our teenage/young adult kids are straightforward and thriving. Not a stealth boast - I just want to point out how easy we have it in so many ways. (That said, he has a poor relationship with his parents, and sadly my own parents are no longer alive. So that is challenging…but we have made our own family! We have a great circle of friends etc etc!)

His words sound like those of a depressed person I know, but I am struggling to sympathise when we are used as the emotional punchbags for whatever he’s going through. I feel like I am dealing with a 14 stone toddler on that front. I would love him to seek help - therapist and/or doctor - but I know he will point blank refuse.

We are late 40s. Sorry this is long but can anyone relate/offer advice to me?

You could buy him a voucher for therapy sessions.

he also lacks energy for others joining us for a walk
This is extremely concerning. My DH had this - had his iron levels checked and they were half what they should be, and it turned out he had bowel cancer. He also refused to go to the doctors for ages - he was scared, didn't want to admit he could ever be ill, or admit that he wasn't in the prime of his life any more. It took me, his sister and his Dad all shouting at him to go to the doctor before he did finally go. He's fine now.

@CinnamonJellyBeans - I do have a job, just one that is unpredictable in terms of income as I’m a freelancer. If I took a salaried role we would have an another more stable income stream - but tbh I think the problems are bigger than money. Plus, this is what we agreed in terms of what each of us were doing. It’s not like I decided to put my feet up and forced him to carry the whole family financially - that’s not the case at all.

@pyzaz - I may have worded that a bit confusingly. He does a lot of exercise, actually more than ever at the moment. It’s not really physical energy but more emotional - he just doesn’t want to socialise much.

Ps I’d agree you need to start looking at getting a job that is outside your niche role so you have more money coming in and it takes pressure off, you say he’s changed the goal posts but things change, he’s changed, and it sounds like he’s not coping with everything on his plate

For me, you are on shaky ground as soon as you say ‘DH should feel / think / act..,’ in a certain way. What if he just, genuinely, can’t? And you are resenting him for something he cannot control. Or he just doesn’t agree with you? Maybe he doesn’t feel like he’s actually benefiting from all the slog to get mortgage free etc - because he’s still slogging away sane as he ever was.

It does also sound like you resent the prospect of your nice life having to change as a result of his problems. Like if only he would ‘man up’ then you could carry on enjoying your lovely mortgage-free life, high achieving adult children, spending time with friends, working sporadically, etc. After 10 yrs as a SAHM I went back to work part-time 6 years ago, and have worked up to full time since last year, and it has definitely taken some if the pressure off DH. The deal we made when the children were young had to change once they were old enough to more out less sort themselves out, and I had more free time while DH was slowly buckling under the pressure at work.

Weight gain, crying at times, restless sleep, inability to sleep, inability to make decisions but how much of this was due to diabetes ? He came home with a sheet of stickers of faces - happy, sad etc - which he was supposed to put on a chart to try to get him to see relationship between foods and activity and certain moods. 🤷‍♀️

My ex h was also like this. He developed some kind of victim mentality. He was retired early and took that badly. People would invite him to things but he wouldn't go as he thought they were laughing at him 🤷‍♀️

I posted a thread yesterday op. My DP is similar, similar age. hes a very miserable man who refuses to talk about or acknowledge feelings. Doesn't believe in doing anything about mental health issues.

When hes out the house its lovely. When I hear the key go in the door my heart sinks as I dont know what version of him will come through the door.

Its draining and im at the point where ive checked out pretty much and am just waiting for the time, which is coming, when I tell him to fuck off and leave me to enjoy a peaceful happy life.

I don’t think you can compare him to others who have similar jobs but can cope with the stress, we all cope differently with things. But that still doesn’t excuse his behaviour. I think he needs to see someone, his GP would be my first port of call, then a councillor for his anger management. He could also look for other jobs, along with you moving to a more stable earning job. Again, the vast majority of this sits with him helping himself. If he doesn’t help himself, he’s essentially saying he’s happy to continue to verbally abuse you and the dc. Saying sorry doesn’t cut it anymore.

If you don’t want to give him the ultimatum (get help or I leave), just yet, I think the next time you feel you can talk to him, tell him that you won’t continue to put up with being verbally abused (and use those words), and the next time he does it, you will remove yourself from the situation with the dc if needed. And stick to that. Last nights dinner for example. Just turn everything off and take you and the dc off for a McDonald’s or similar. Just walk out of the house.

@rickyrickygrimes - I hear you, but to be clear - DH is not slogging away to pay the mortgage. We are mortgage free as a result of my inheritance. This means the financial pressure on us is far less than it is for about 95 percent of the population. He also agreed that this arrangement - me working freelance and him earning a salaried income - was a manageable and good plan. This wasn't years ago when the kids were very young, but within the past five years.

But as @stayathomer says, goalposts change and plans change. I can handle that. What I cannot handle, and what I resent, is being shouted at and him storming around the house and us all walking on eggshells.

I don't think that anyone should treat their spouse and kids that way, even if you are suffering from a mental illness. And if he is suffering, then it's his responsibility to get help to sort it out. I have had to do this myself in the past.

@jamnpancakes - thank you. DH does appear to be physically well in most respects. He exercises a lot and had a basic health check quite recently - nothing was flagged. I think getting help for his mental health is key, but I think he should also see the GP for a more in-depth analysis. He does seem older and more tired - but I don't know if this is just age and stress.

@Isdpabullyingknob - sorry you are going through similar. I will look at your thread...

@OnceIn - you are right. I think I need to get more used to removing myself and the DC when he is being unreasonable. It is hard though when it's often the baseline - he is constantly snappy and irritable at the moment - or in the heat of the moment when he really loses his temper.

The changing point for my DH was attending a presentation at work where the symptoms of burnout were listed. He realised that he ticked pretty much every box - including being angry and explosive, irritable and over sensitive with family and colleagues, feeling disengaged from life, not enjoying things that you used to, being too tired to do the things you enjoyed. He pretty much came home and made a dr appointment that day, and was signed off soon after.

@rickyrickygrimes - that's so good he got help. Can I ask, when you are 'signed off', what happens exactly? Are your employers legally obliged to keep you on?

Ahhrg. I have the same at home. Early fifties and is stressed by work I think but that's not the whole explanation. Has always been a bit emotional incontinent but it's getting worse. Yesterday my DS12 needed to change batteries for his alarm clock so I started looking for batteries and asked dh. He snapped at me saying I'm not to take batteries without permission because he needs to know the stock to be sure not to run out. Then he went on to just throw the alarm clock at the table because he had a problem with changing batteries going into a rant about how he works so this is my job
Wtf I was going to do it but he was the obe intervening.

I just took DS with me into another room and told him that his dad deals with his emotions like a teenager- he lacks control. And that I hope he will he a more mature adult than his father because it's not fun to live with someone who explodes.

It took a while but DH did come to realise that he was the one with the problem, and the rest of us were just being normal people - making mistakes, being noisy, being untidy - but nothing that justified flying off the handle about.

What about joint counselling? Talking to someone neutral together, if he won’t go on his own?

my boss is an adult survivor of British boarding school, and I can see how it has damaged him. I can’t imagine being married to him. Permanently on the defensive, expecting the worse of everyone, flying off the handle.

We aren’t in the UK - we’re in France where I think the system is so much better. Yes he could be signed off for up to a year on nearly full pay, if the dr continued to renew his sick note. He also sent him to a private psychologist, which is pricey but worth it.

But DH was open to it all, he was really struggling and didn’t want to be this angry depressed person any more.

@arcticpandas - sorry to hear. It's really not okay, is it? It's one thing to be temporarily stressed and short-tempered - it happens to us all - but when a response is completely unreasonable and borderline crazy it's impossible to excuse. I also worry about how this impacts our DC.

@rickyrickygrimes - I don't think DH would go to any form of therapy or counselling, which is a big part of the problem. I also - without meaning to sound arrogant - honestly don't think that this is an issue with our relationship itself, if that makes sense? It is DH's problem, behaviour, mentality. Yes, it could help show him in a neutral space how his behaviour makes me feel, and I could learn how my responses to him could be 'better'. But I think he needs to understand himself better (and the impact of stuff like boarding school has had upon him) in the first instance.

By retirement age will you have benefited from both your and his inheritance and also his salaried working life?

Might you consider working more, so that he can work a little less.

Other people coping in similar positions, may have a better office culture. It's not fair to compare.

@CreationNat1on - yes we will have benefited from both of our incomes (his salaried working life and my freelance working life) and my inheritance. His inheritance? I don't know. It's not particularly relevant, but his parents are a) not very well off or b) generous people. They've never helped DH or his siblings financially, ever - even when they were probably in a better position to do so. It's not something I ever really think about.

Re 'working more' - I work fulltime already. But it's freelance and income is unreliable. That's increasingly becoming a problem, so I am now looking at salaried roles also. Not easy to find, as my industry is massively competitive and my career path so far has been less than straightforward. I also can't help but resent the fact that DH 'okayed' this work/financial set up, despite my being very very clear about challenges it could present. He insisted it would be fine. But it's not - and now I am running around having to navigate that. He is stressed but really, so am I!

Sounds a bit like a classic midlife crisis?
He possibly thinks getting a sports car, joining a lycra wearing cycling club and getting a 20yo girlfriend would be "fun". Life when we have teens is boring and stilted - it's because we are slap bang in the middle of responsible adult mode.
In a few years they will be at uni and you'll have the freedom back. Remind him it's temporary.

Also get him to a doc before he clogs up the country roads on a bike in see-through lycra please! Seen quite enough 40+ arses waggling at me for miles for my entire lifetime.

I came to say this. I have a few mid to late 40's friends whose DH are acting exactly like this and I'm almost certain its male menopause.

I know women have more obvious impacts from changing hormones, but I don't think the "Grumpy old men" stereotype exists without some basis. And a bit of midlife crisis thrown in.

Seen quite enough 40+ arses waggling at me for miles for my entire lifetime.

I hear ya!

He is feeling the stress of keeping it all together financially with the disparity in the income.

Your inheritance has trapped him in a gilded cage trapped because he has to sustain it.

How would your family life look if he was freelance like you?

I am not excusing his behaviour but is anyone listening to how he feels and coming up with solutions other than go to the GP for drugs?

if you got a stable income would he then be able to change jobs, to something with less stress and which he may enjoy more?