At breaking point with grumpy/horrible/possibly depressed DH

[Pistachioscent]

Namechanged. I could really do with thoughts and advice because I feel powerless and so upset right now.

DH and I have been together for 25 years. I would say our marriage has been broadly good. He is (was?) kind and respectful, and our dynamic has been mutually supportive. However, he’s never been great at talking about his emotions or managing them. I’d say for the first 15 or so years, he might get into a bad mood, or lose his temper/overreact to stress a couple of times a year. He would always apologise and calm down quickly. None of us are perfect, and the good times outweighed the bad, so I have lived with this…

Over the past few years, his temper has got worse. He is grumpy and snappy with me and our lovely, straightforward teenage and young adult kids. I feel we are often walking on eggshells these days. When he is out or at work, the house is lighter, calmer, more fun…

He’s currently under some big work stress, and his behaviour has become unbearable. The stress should abate within the next month or so, so I have been trying to be understanding. But tonight he exploded over something so ridiculous, and was typically nasty in the immediate aftermath.

He was very very obviously in the wrong. He rarely admits to being wrong these days (he seems to think his behaviour is justified usually), but this time he actually did. I left the room and he messaged apologising, but then proceeded to say he feels old, tired and miserable and like there is nothing to look forward to. Says he finds family life as well as work totally exhausting and is sick of everything. For context, we live mortgage free in a lovely house and our teenage/young adult kids are straightforward and thriving. Not a stealth boast - I just want to point out how easy we have it in so many ways. (That said, he has a poor relationship with his parents, and sadly my own parents are no longer alive. So that is challenging…but we have made our own family! We have a great circle of friends etc etc!)

His words sound like those of a depressed person I know, but I am struggling to sympathise when we are used as the emotional punchbags for whatever he’s going through. I feel like I am dealing with a 14 stone toddler on that front. I would love him to seek help - therapist and/or doctor - but I know he will point blank refuse.

We are late 40s. Sorry this is long but can anyone relate/offer advice to me?

You don't deserve to get shouted at.

He is burnt out/ depressed/ ill

He needs to access the GP...no arguments he has to

Could be low testosterone
Could be diabetes
Could be mental illness
Could be something more sinister

Tell him he has to see doctor as you can't go on like this.

Plus, it must hurt to see him suffering like this.
And it's unpleasant for you and kids being around him,

but he probably hates being around himself too, he must be really unhappy/ ill/exhausted if this is out of character

I'm so sorry, that sounds horrible for you and your kids (adult or not). I think you need to be honest with him, hard as it will be and say that you can't go on like this. Will he go to counselling? If so, maybe that will help.

And I also think call him on it, every time and keep saying "this isn't acceptable behaviour" - it does sound like you're dealing with a grown toddler, sympathy.

@Pistachioscent I'm so sorry to hear this, it's such a difficult situation.

I went through something similar with my exDH a few years ago. We were together for 20 years but for the last few years he became extremely resentful of being the breadwinner (I had been a SAHM in the early years by mutual agreement, our dc have SEN, but I worked part time when they were at primary school), he hated his job and was under a huge amount of stress, he was so angry and passive aggressive with me, didn't want to do anything eg holidays, social activities etc. He had always been anxious and depressed from time to time but it got a lot worse.

I begged him to go to therapy but he refused. He did go on anti depressants but they didn't really seem to help. He was eventually signed off work due to poor mental health. When he was at home all the time, it was even worse - the dc and I couldn't escape the bad moods and anger. I thought I was going to have a breakdown myself, I started drinking too much and ended up on blood pressure tablets as my BP was high.

Some people said to me that I just needed to ignore him, and carve our a life for myself, but I found it so difficult to just ignore him. I love being at home, home is my safe space, and I just felt like I was endlessly walking on eggshells and could never relax when he was there.

He ended up being so horrible and contemptuous to me that I finally decided I couldn't live like that any more. It took me a long time to come to that decision - I never wanted to break up the family, and despite how my exDH was behaving, I still loved him and remembered how he used to be (kind, loving, fun).

So we separated two years ago. I think it's done him a lot of good, he seems much better than he was. It's been so sad to split up the family, but I knew I couldn't go on like that any more, and actually I feel a lot more peaceful and less stressed than when we were together.

I'm not suggesting the best solution for anyone else is to separate, but just wanted to say I feel for you, as I know it's a horrible situation to be in!

Thanks everyone. With regards to his work, I don't feel it's quite that straightforward. Yes he is stressed right now but only a few weeks ago he was talking about how much he loves his company and how it's the best place he's ever worked. In fact he took a salary cut to join this company two years ago, and we've all had to tighten the belts and get on with it as a result.

The very fact we don't have a mortgage to worry about meant he could do make this choice, so it's hardly like this is some 'gilded cage' that he must feel trapped in. There's a bit of a vibe in some of the responses that poor DH is forced to work around the clock to support us...it's not the case at all.

He has always, always had a level of work dissatisfaction, he has since our 20s. There were various times he could have made a career pivot if he wanted to. I don't think it's great to get to this age, when there's a certain level of responsibility towards one's family (DC at uni etc) and have a big wobbly about your position. For most of us, work is a means to an end. He is senior and has a family to support. It feels quite immature to start throwing toys out of the pram in terms of where he's at work-wise...it's quite late in the day for that.

@Almondpie - thanks so much for sharing your story. There is so much that is similar it's almost uncanny. I am pleased to hear you are now in a happier place, even though you eventually separated xx

My DH is the same. Depressed after losing a job a year ago, then because he refuses to go to therapy has lost 3 subsequent jobs as he can't cope with them. I earn the same amount as he did and have always worked ( part time when the children were small) but he has always acted as if he was the only breadwinner. He also doesn't like working and has never been satisfied in his career. We do the same job and I actually love it. He put pressure on himself by pretending he's the breadwinner but now when I'm working and am actually the only breadwinner he doesn't seem worried about the pressure on me, when we also have kids who need money for things and will maybe be going off to uni in the next few years. So sometimes men put the pressure on themselves because they decide their big important job is their role in the family, possibly to avoid being in the trenches with little kids. Then they realise the kids are growing up and they've spent all their time pretending their job is the worlds most important thing. Suddenly they've been working sooo hard they haven't been able to enjoy life, when in reality they hid behind work because parenting was too hard and now they have little to show for it but years of work they are miserable and 'overworked'. That's my theory anyway.

Again. That’s all your opinion and valid however, answer the question. What would your life look like financially without your DH working? How would it change? Because, if you are truly unhappy and you leave this will be your reality. It may seem immature to you but have you asked him how he is feeling or just projecting the fact that because by your design you are mortgages free he has to suck it up and get on with it? If he is heading for a mental break or burnout maintaining this stance of ‘just get on with it’ maybe the undoing of your family. Is this what you want?

What if your DH said to you I really feel I would feel better if you got a better paying job because I feel like I am drowning with all the responsibility on me to sustain this lifestyle?

I have DC at Uni and it’s costing us 10k plus a year each topping up their minimum loans. Do you think your finances, your DH and your marriage can sustain this?

Your DH and his behaviour sounds similar to mine of 32 years ..
With work stress he just was always angry and miserable and I really was ready to leave but frankly quite scared to tell him .i had got as far as seeing solicitors, making exit plans etc ..
In March we had another row started by him where he told me to just f* off and leave . I shocked the heck out of him and said I'm not going anywhere but I've decided a while ago I don't love you anymore and want a divorce.
After the shock registered he suggested couples counselling, which I agreed to ( only if he organised it)
It gave me a safe space to make him listen and understand what his behaviour had done to me and the family and what an absolute nightmare he had been .
I have to say now 6 months down the line things are much better - not perfect but we are both trying hard .
Communication is better and I now feel to have a voice again and won't let him get away with taking out his frustration on me or expecting me to do everything for him because he is so important at work ..
I'm just trying to share my experience rather than advise, but I have to say I was v sceptical that he could actually listen and change but the counselling has made him do that thankfully.
Good luck ..

Dont disengage! The worst advice.

I’ve had the same with my DH @Pistachioscent. Trust your gut and don’t feel you have to justify it. I’ve let it go on for too long and now struggling to find the strength to advocate for myself.

Read Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans if it would help to explore why he’s being like this.

OP, I really feel for you. It’s clear you’re hurting and feel powerless, and that’s because your DH has created an atmosphere where you and your kids are walking on eggshells. That’s not ‘just stress’ - that’s emotional abuse.

The whole ‘main earner pressure’ thing really misses the point. Women have always been expected to juggle earning and childrearing without anyone excusing them when they snap at their families. You contributed massively too - your inheritance literally made the mortgage-free home possible - so it’s not fair for him to rewrite this as all on his shoulders.

Stress doesn’t excuse cruelty. He needs to take responsibility, seek help, and stop making his family the outlet for his unhappiness.

Yes, hiding in work to avoid housework and responsibility then realising too late they've not bonded or put in any effort to get to know kids sounds familiar. By that point the mum is usually run so ragged she feels he is an extra child/zombie just there to eat, shit and repeat on her daily and is willing to go solo.

I hope we are raising a better generation of boys who understand that living to work is not really living at all. Men at 50 seem to realise they've been distracted by a squirrel (work) but also don't want to put in work with therapy to understand the impact the last decades they have been doing this has had on those around them. We are all replaceable at work, not so at home; with that caveat, unless you let yourself be by not being present.

What line of work is he in? I was sacked (not just redundant) from my C.level finance job earlier this year. I hadn't realised how much of my identity was caught up in this career path thing.

So - good points now - I work in a lower level job (£20k less), and have no staff to manage. My staff had always been lovely BTW.

Yes, it can be a bit dull, but not unpleasant. Blood pressure now in the green.

I'm not excusing behaviour, but maybe time to re-evaluate career choices if possible.

Inevitably the "is this it" thoughts creep in for everyone. Social media can make things worse - all these 50+ fitness bros can make anyone feel inferior.

My DW says I talk more at home now the stress is gone. Don't forget stress can be a killer too.

@Lolapusht I think some of it's entitlement paired with not willing / able to understand their own emotions. They can't or won't self-soothe, so they're horrible to everyone as they quite like people waking around them on eggshells.

It reminds me a bit of when you see babies or toddlers in pushchairs on a warm day, where they're writhing around and crying in that shouty-screamy crying they do when they're annoyed, or throwing things out of their pram. They're not interested when their mum or dad tries to soothe them and will spit out their dummies in a sort of sulky protest.

I think grown men often behave like this in their own way.

Just wanted to say well done.

I am sure you now see how dull it is being on a table of men who have nothing to talk about other than their own role in their own job! Sometimes being out of it is eye opening.

Don't worry about the "fitness" bro culture - a lot of it is steroids and they get shrunken willies and 'roid rage because they want to feel young again. It's not attractive at all to women (although if you are a gay man they like a lot of bulging veins I hear...), especially the tantrums and jealousy that comes along with it.

That's a very interesting way of looking at it. Food for thought.

Really sounds like a lot of these men need something like Andys Man Club. Every Monday night 7pm, five questions and an opportunity to get things off their chests. There's a first ladies club too in most locations and thats a Wednesday night.

It's a great opportunity to talk about stuff with men whi are going through similar things.

@Thatsthebottomline They sound great. I googled it and there isn't one near us, but there are Mind group sessions that are free and other charities that are doing similar. I'm not sure whether I'll have to physically take my husband to one, the first time at least. I'm waiting to hear from the CMHT and a carers group for me, so Ill ask them.

Honestly op .

couple of things here. It's ok for him to change his mind about the financial side of things ie he thought he would be ok shouldering the majority of the burden but in reality clearly he's not coping with it and it's ok to say that. You being resentful because be said 5 years ago that he'd be fine with it is unfair. Circumstances and people change.
If you do end up separating, you would be expected to get a job in any settlement so it might not be a bad thing anyway to get the ball rolling in a meaningful way.

regardless of this , it's not ok that he takes his anger and stress out on his family. You need to have a frank conversation with him about that and tell him that you won't put up that medium term.

@Pistachioscent goodness, I know exactly where you are coming from - my H was always quite ‘erratic ’ emotionally - but since 45 it went nuclear - nothing suits, he’s always ranting- traffic, politics, clients, colleagues, you name it. he has a creative job many would kill for but yes it’s stressful , we moved abroad for 2 years and then had to come back for elderly parent reasons, been back 3 years, now wants to leave UK again and it’s much tougher post Brexit , I’ve lived just about anywhere nice in southern half of UK over last 30 years with him - honestly, nothing suits and I’m 63. I like him, I do care about him but blimey he’s enough to test the patience of job and he’s simply not always very nice to live with - if I was in your position OP I would have ended it but I’m not and financially it would put me into a very poor situation. I would personally have an awkward conversation and lay it on the line - tell him it’s making you unhappy and ask him for what he thinks are solutions- be that you taking stress off by working and him cutting down if he can somewhat - he clearly isn’t coping as it is -
as others have said it doesn’t always mean an affair but it can do , so that’s worth bearing in mind and I would certainly be less trusting and sneak a look at his phone if you can - or possibly undisclosed debt, tax issues, an addiction ( some aren’t obvious gambling, porn, hook ups etc ) All these can change behaviour or increase agitation -

Sorry for slight radio silence and thank you for the insight and thoughts - all very useful.

DH was 'trying' since his latest big outburst. He apologised once again on Friday, blamed stress, and yesterday was kind of being forcibly jolly. Yet just now I was trying to have a very basic discussion about something house-related (nothing remotely stressful or pressuring, nothing where something was 'being asked' of him btw!), and his tone so snappy and grumpy as he replied to me. I said 'not really sure why you need to communicate so aggressively?', which he of course denied, and I left the room...

I know I am not being hypersensitive. I know he doesn't use this tone with colleagues or his mates. I am just so sick of this - we just never know when he's actually going to be 'nice' and communicative, or when he's going to behave like a belligerent dick.

@Didsomeonesaydogs - I think you are quite right. Women have always juggled immense pressure and don't tend to behave like this. DH didn't want to stay at home with the kids when they were babies. DH didn't want to juggle childcare and his career - this all fell to me, and I still carry the majority of the domestic load by far. DH didn't want to change careers when it would have been far easier to do so. So I kind of have limited sympathy for being 'under pressure'.

I am also under pressure and not behaving like this.

OP; it's been 4 months (nearly)....... So well past the point your husband said the stress of his present work situation would fall away. Have things improved? Are you still with him? Or has it just carried on and in actual fact you're emerging from a stressful Xmas/new year. I hope things have improved for you.

This is the time-honoured scenario of the the woman holding everything together for the sake of the children and the man having to take no responsibility for his behaviour.

Even if he is truly depressed then he is still a grown adult with a health problem and needs to take responsibility for getting the right help for this. You might need to encourage and support him in that because of the nature of depression, but in the end he has to take the responsibility for dealing with it. And to care enough about those around him to do so.

You are taking on this role in the family to the detriment of your own well-being. Do not slip into the mindset that says this is OK - it simply is not. This is where you need to start - your needs matter.

My DH could have written the OP.
I don't know why he's stayed with me tbh.