Slight concerns about my daughter’s relationship

[MiceAsPie]

I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not meddling, I don’t intend to and I’m just starting to think ‘hmmm’ based on a few conversations we’ve had recently.

She’s almost 27 and her partner is 34. They’ve been together just over 2 years. Hes a nice chap and I like him. She is really in love with him, he likewise with her and she’s been really happy to date.

he has 2 children from his first marriage and he lives 10 miles away in a 3 bed house. My daughter has her own 2 bed flat. They decided to start house hunting 7 months ago to buy a place together. They both have good jobs with good salaries. Respective houses put in market and my daughter happened to sell first - they viewed a few places and settled on a nice 4 bed place. Made an offered which was accepted and then just waited for his place to sell - complicated a little as his is a part buy part rent. Burn it an issue as she would have lived in with him if hers happened to complete first

Mortgage all sorted and she’s packed up to go to his when her mortgage advisor flags up a query. To cut a long story short, it transpires he has a CCJ that he knew about but was hoping to not have to tell her. He initially denied it all and then came clean. He’d taken on his 3 bed and just couldn’t manage the bills and had hidden how much he was struggling to her.

she was devastated as she literally had no idea he was living off credit cards and had got in such a muddle. They talked it over, she paid nearly 2k in fees spent to date, she took her flat off the market and lost her buyer of course and he pressed ahead with his sale and he’s about to move in with her now. Perhaps in the next month or so.

they thrashed it all out and she decided to forgive him etc etc. He’s categorically not some secret spender or anything - he had just got in a mess. He is paying her back and all was on track again - and she’s trying to feel positive about losing the house she thought she was getting!

So, all fine. Smoothed over.

Until this week. She’s very busy at work. She works on a specific emergency service and is investigating a huge case right now - one that is taking her to other parts of the country and having to stay away. This is a career defining case for her and she’s flat out but excited. She’s working closely with a male colleague and he’s away with her at the moment. They obvs have separate bedrooms on the hotel they’re booked into but they have dinner together and work alongside each other all day. Her colleague is married - they are genuinely just colleagues working a case together

anyway, she told me her partner had been quiet and off with her for a few days and after a 16 hour day yesterday she rang him from her hotel room to insist he tell her what’s wrong. He cried down the phone , says he feels insecure , weeping that he’s not seen her since last Tuesday but ‘all would be fine when he can hold her again.’

she’s become angry with him now. He cried loads the other month about all the house stuff and now it’s tears again. What on earth does he expect her to do here? She has to work and she’s really in love with him but she’s growing really irritated by these tears and by yet another thing coming up

it all feels a bit red flag to me now and I’m not quite sure what to advise her - his house sales going through and he’s about to move in with her as soon as it does but she was crying last night saying she feels so much pressure now

to reiterate, he is a nice chap and treats her well. No arguments and he does loads of little supportive things for her etc etc but I’m now feeling like I’m not keen on any of this and I think there are significant red flags. Not good with money, lying about it to the point where she thought they were buying a house, and now insecure and jealous about a work colleague.

thoughts?

Sounds similar in some ways to my DD. Her bf has ccj's lied about them, had to come clean., acting defensive. My DD also works as a manager in a public services role and has to be fully checked financially every couple of years, her job is reliant on her being debt free so she cannot live with bf until he has sorted his financial situation out.
Massive red flag.

My ex used to pull the tears at convenient moments, usually when he’d done something wrong or abhorrent, and needed a quick way of guilting me into feeling sorry for him.

It soon wears thin. Once I realised it was one of his abuse tactics to avoid the actual issue, I was already tied to him with our DS. Note however, he’s an ex - because I left him.

Your daughter sounds brilliant and switched on and can do a million times better than this guy. I suspect there is a whole lot more he’s not telling her about debt etc. These types of guys will only tell as much as they can feasibly get away with (and usually drip feed over a much longer period of time).

She’s financially solvent and doesn’t need the hassle, quite frankly.

I'm glad she ended it. She's unlikely to see that 3k, especially as now he won't be selling his house as he's got nowhere to go. She's only 27, she'll bounce back.

Totally with you. She should’ve been out already with the lying about finances very big 🚩. The second best time to get out is NOW.

Will she listen to you, or will you alienate her?

She can clearly do better than him and this would not have ended well, if you ignore flashing red flags in the name of love it will just be a case of wasted time and youth on a doomed relationship.

She made the right choice, cautionary tale because others don't and regret it greatly.

Well done to your DD she has dodged a bullet. Better the relationship finishes now than further down the line with mortgages and children involved. He sounds a weak man. Let’s see how decent he is when it comes to paying back the money!

Sounds like you have both done very well and don't need any advice. Fantastic result!

Sorry he's NOT a lovely man.

Id feel concern too as a parent .
This is a huge step in your daughtwrs life he should of been upfront about his circumstances ( ccj)
The crying on the phone would alarm me your daughter has always had this job since meeting him i presume yet now he is feeling insecure all of a sudden.
Maybe your daughter should hold off on any moving in with each other if she is feeling this way and just have some space.. gain some clarity take the emotion out of the situation and think with her head .
This her future too one she has no doubt worked hard for maybe they're not compatible x

Awww just read your update .. so glad ypur daughter decided to walk away .
As nice as he may be in life the squeezing her arm and what not telling her she is his hero would have me gone in an instant that alarms me big time.
He isnt on your daughters level and she has so done the right thing before this went further .
I hope she gets her 3 grand back aswell x

Well done by your daughter recognizing this was not a good relationship for her.

He borrowed £3000 from her on top of her losing £2000 because of his financial lie? She's 5K in the hole because of him. I hope he pays it back but I wouldn't hold my breath.

He would have made her life so much worse if he had moved in.

You must be breathing a sigh of relief.

Bloody well done op, shows you how close you two are, yes she asked your opinion and you told her you concerns as hard as that is but she already had doubts you just confirm them , 👍 well done , yes she'll be sad for a while but also have a sense of relief too,

All of this would give me the absolute ick! Let alone the possible financial and emotional abuse!

I think you need to gently support her as you’re doing. Try to suggest they don’t entangle with money or moving in! Hopefully she’ll see for herself it’s not a good relationship.

I married a man that was like this, she needs to run, he will drag her down with him. My ex husband ruined my credit for almost 5 years because we lived in the same house - none of the bad debt was in my name but it didn’t matter. I only found out when I tried to remortgage the house - after I kicked him out I had bailiffs round so often they used to come in for a cuppa and a chat. I work in Financial Services so when I threw him out I managed to protect the house from his debtors but it could so easily have gone the other way if I hadn’t known what to do. He can be as nice as he wants but dealing with someone like this is exhausting and she will only end up resenting him more and in a mess. She needs to RUN. Tell her never to take out any joint finance with him if she won’t call it a day, especially not a mortgage. Property is fair game when it comes to owing money to companies. She could lose everything.

So happy your DD saw sense. As much as he appeared a nice guy; he probably thought he was into a winner with your DD.

if I was her, I’d write the £3000 off and go NC to make is less likely she’s further manipulated. Would cause her less stress moving forward.