Slight concerns about my daughter’s relationship

[MiceAsPie]

I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not meddling, I don’t intend to and I’m just starting to think ‘hmmm’ based on a few conversations we’ve had recently.

She’s almost 27 and her partner is 34. They’ve been together just over 2 years. Hes a nice chap and I like him. She is really in love with him, he likewise with her and she’s been really happy to date.

he has 2 children from his first marriage and he lives 10 miles away in a 3 bed house. My daughter has her own 2 bed flat. They decided to start house hunting 7 months ago to buy a place together. They both have good jobs with good salaries. Respective houses put in market and my daughter happened to sell first - they viewed a few places and settled on a nice 4 bed place. Made an offered which was accepted and then just waited for his place to sell - complicated a little as his is a part buy part rent. Burn it an issue as she would have lived in with him if hers happened to complete first

Mortgage all sorted and she’s packed up to go to his when her mortgage advisor flags up a query. To cut a long story short, it transpires he has a CCJ that he knew about but was hoping to not have to tell her. He initially denied it all and then came clean. He’d taken on his 3 bed and just couldn’t manage the bills and had hidden how much he was struggling to her.

she was devastated as she literally had no idea he was living off credit cards and had got in such a muddle. They talked it over, she paid nearly 2k in fees spent to date, she took her flat off the market and lost her buyer of course and he pressed ahead with his sale and he’s about to move in with her now. Perhaps in the next month or so.

they thrashed it all out and she decided to forgive him etc etc. He’s categorically not some secret spender or anything - he had just got in a mess. He is paying her back and all was on track again - and she’s trying to feel positive about losing the house she thought she was getting!

So, all fine. Smoothed over.

Until this week. She’s very busy at work. She works on a specific emergency service and is investigating a huge case right now - one that is taking her to other parts of the country and having to stay away. This is a career defining case for her and she’s flat out but excited. She’s working closely with a male colleague and he’s away with her at the moment. They obvs have separate bedrooms on the hotel they’re booked into but they have dinner together and work alongside each other all day. Her colleague is married - they are genuinely just colleagues working a case together

anyway, she told me her partner had been quiet and off with her for a few days and after a 16 hour day yesterday she rang him from her hotel room to insist he tell her what’s wrong. He cried down the phone , says he feels insecure , weeping that he’s not seen her since last Tuesday but ‘all would be fine when he can hold her again.’

she’s become angry with him now. He cried loads the other month about all the house stuff and now it’s tears again. What on earth does he expect her to do here? She has to work and she’s really in love with him but she’s growing really irritated by these tears and by yet another thing coming up

it all feels a bit red flag to me now and I’m not quite sure what to advise her - his house sales going through and he’s about to move in with her as soon as it does but she was crying last night saying she feels so much pressure now

to reiterate, he is a nice chap and treats her well. No arguments and he does loads of little supportive things for her etc etc but I’m now feeling like I’m not keen on any of this and I think there are significant red flags. Not good with money, lying about it to the point where she thought they were buying a house, and now insecure and jealous about a work colleague.

thoughts?

Red flags. If she ignores these she does so at her peril.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I wouldn’t touch financial issues with a barge pole. The crying and insecurity is a massive turn-off.

Advise her to press pause.

Could she let h

When DH and I were first dating - literally about 6 weeks in. He told me a relatively small lie. He was embarrassed about something to do with finances and so he lied. About a week later, he came to me to tell me that he was very sorry he'd lied, explained why, and assured me he would never do it again. He told me that it had made him realise something and that he didn't want that to be how he saw himself or behaved. He took complete ownership and he told me that if I felt the lie was a deal breaker, he would completely understand but be sad.

there was no "woe is me" because he was so embarassed. Just simple honesty, complete accountability and a specific promise about the future. 20+ years later, I've never regretted letting that lie go and I've never had a single situation again that created anything like those feelings.

This is NOT what is happening with your DD.

Oh op your daughter sounds very independent and strong, and successful in her job, this work takes her away so he needs to stop with the tears , thisbis before he has moved in, god what will he be like once he has

Daughter really needs to give this relationship more time before moving him in op, let him buy/ rent somewhere first, but your daughter needs to be able to go away without all the drama of him sulking and crying,

I Think it's good she's confided in you op, her gut is telling her, thank god for her work as this is showing her who he is op,

She needs to plan a weekend away once she's home too see how he reacts, all very telling, your right to be concerned op, what you can do is be there for her, if she asks you your take on this tell her your concerns op, what she's does about the situation is for her, but she knows or her gut is telling her,

1. Lied about ccj to both your daughter and mortgage broker.
2. Concealed debt
3. Made himself into victim when it all came out
4. Will shortly be homeless
5. Jealous/ needy /paranoid
6. Daughter making space in her home for him and his 2 kids
7. No mention of a relationship agreement or otherwise re the ownership of her flat if this all goes tits up.

She's not yet 27, is investigating a major case.... what would she tell her best friend if she was in this position?

This man needs to grow up otherwise your daughter is going to have herself a whiny cocklodger.

Oh god

shes young. Let that one go
useless and a loser

She’s 27 she can find a better man. A man without children already so she can have an easier more straight forward life

All of this!
Plus why does he live so far away from his children?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

It doesn't sound great. But I don't really see what you are asking.
Should she leave him? Should she continue the plan to buy a house together? Only she can say really.

I think you just need to take a step back and tell her you'll be supportive whatever happens. Though obviously you won't condone her bailing him out of his debts, or not paying his share of everything.

"I don’t have concerns about her ending up in an abusive relationship. I’m not blind to it of course but it doesn’t worry me because it won’t happen."

It can happen to anyone. She does at least have you, which is something I didn't have as a safety net. But please, please don't think it can't happen to her. I urge you to advise her to never lose her financial independence. I had my own house paid off by my early thirties, on my own. Two dire relationships since, I am worse off, in my early 50s. I'm renting and I can't see myself owning again, if I am being realistic. If I could advise my younger self, it would be to not entangle myself with a weak-ass man.
She can do better.

I have serious concerns of abuse because he’s already abusing her emotionally your Daughter sounds like a clever woman so I hope she sees it too keep her close OP and try and help her see the red flags although I suspect she can already see them.

It’s really wonderful your DD can confide in you and of course this relationship sounds awful. Not sure if I missed a post about what relationship she had or did not have with her dad. It is a huge factor in what kind of man she will choose.

I agree all good to discuss with her she is lucky to have her mum involved.

What didn’t sit right was the ‘spineless, crying, weeping’ comments which is unkind.

Summed it up perfectly

But he is abusing her, emotionally and would have got her into financial problems. Shortly AFTER I married my ex I found out about CCJs, financial problems, he continued to ms manage money and would have bankrupted me if I hadn’t got rid of him

Thanks for all the great comments which have been reassuring to read and cemented what I thought overall.

I meant what I said about her being independent and err ruthless. She came home last night and we had a chat on the phone for half an hour before she went indoors (he had come over to sort her cats out and see her after her hectic work week)

She said he’d been much better after a chat in the morning on the phone and she said to me ‘what would you do? It just feels like a lot so soon after the whole house thing’ and I was honest and said ‘ I was very generous in my thoughts towards him when he took you to the bloody brink of potentially losing your flat but this feels like another thing literally weeks after all of that so my gut feeling says get rid now. Where does this end?’

she was shocked I’d said it and said she wasn’t expecting me to go that far in my thoughts but every time she thought of him moving in ( and to remind people - he has sold his house but not exchanged yet but literally it is any time for that) she felt rising panic and a sense of dread.

anyway, she messaged me last night to say he’d been very lovely, apologised for his insecurity , he ran her a bath, he’d bought bottle gifts etc etc and it felt fine again

and then rang me at 8am to say she’d finished with him

she was settling down to sleep and he was squeezing and stroking her and telling her she was perfect and his hero and she said she just ripped off her eye mask and said ‘ I can’t do this’ - she said it felt like love bombing

he cried and was sick but he left at 2am as he didn’t want to stay any longer. She rang her friend who bless her came over at 3am and I’ve spoken to her on and off today.

she’s fine. Crying on and off but distracted by friends and the prospect of work tomorrow where she will be away again for another night

so I suspect what will happen is she will be very up and down but knowing her as I do, she will bounce back relatively quickly

She needs to see him again because he owes her her 3 grand and they have a few bits of admin to sort out and she feels really sad it’s ended as - believe it or hotn- he IS a nice chap. I say that mildly. He is nice - he’s just not someone I want my daughter in a long term relationship with .

there’s no chance whatsoever that she will take him back either. She has been taught by me from a young age that the only acceptable level of control or abuse in a relationship is zero and unless she has a personality transplant in the coming weeks, this is it.

the relationship was over the moment he decided her over the house and she had to bail him out . She just didn’t want to admit that to herself at the time

sorry for length of update - it’s just off top of my head so a bit rambly!

Great news, let’s see how nice he is when she asks for her £3k back!

I wish I was as strong as her at 27…. I wish I was as strong as her at 40 frankly!

What a wise and strong mother you are—with a wise and strong daughter. I hope you are proud of yourself as well as of her. Wonderful update.

Hats off to your DD particularly as she is still so young and hats off to you for being so bluntly honest with her.

I’ve known too many good mums who have lived to regret not speaking up when questioned by their DCs about their partners. Lots have gone on to have very unhappy marriages.

I'm glad she has ended it. I couldn't be with someone who was happy to see his children for only four nights a month ( and counted himself as a great dad..).

Oh I’m well known for being blunt! I liked him when I met him but I had reservations also. My daughter vapes (ugh) and he has never smoked or vaped in his life. Within a month of being with her, he was vaping.

he was a gym goer who ate protein heavy meals. She is a fussy vegetarian who doesn’t go to the gym. Again, within months, he stopped going to the gym and was eating like her. And don’t get me started on all the other teeny little bits which just added up to clinginess / overbearing

But I understand her sadness today and she will get worse before she gets better because sooner or later, she will have to be on her own in the flat without a steady stream of friends and that’s when it’ll hit her

@InWalksBarberalla to be fair to him, he isn’t happy to see his kids so little. His ex wife re married an army guy and moved up north and has proceeded to move about ever since. It’s all irrelevant of course but he seems like a loving father to me and my daughter always said that’s one of the things she loved about him - the effort he puts into having daily contact with his children along with half of the main holidays . So although it pains me - we can’t have him on that one 🤣

Oh dear. He sounds as if he really isn't coping at the moment. If DD's place I would put plans on hold as far as possible until he's sorted himself out and can manage to be apart from her without breaking down, and look after his own money. They wouldn't have to break up, just somehow live apart until he's in a better state of mind. But she's decided to go the whole hog and finish with him, so good for her. Perhaps in a way it will be a relief to both of them.

But again, thank you all for clarifying my thoughts - all hail the great women on this board!

I’ll bow out now but THANK YOU

He sounds incredibly manipulative. He may have manipulated everyone into thinking he's a nice man too.