I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not meddling, I don’t intend to and I’m just starting to think ‘hmmm’ based on a few conversations we’ve had recently.
She’s almost 27 and her partner is 34. They’ve been together just over 2 years. Hes a nice chap and I like him. She is really in love with him, he likewise with her and she’s been really happy to date.
he has 2 children from his first marriage and he lives 10 miles away in a 3 bed house. My daughter has her own 2 bed flat. They decided to start house hunting 7 months ago to buy a place together. They both have good jobs with good salaries. Respective houses put in market and my daughter happened to sell first - they viewed a few places and settled on a nice 4 bed place. Made an offered which was accepted and then just waited for his place to sell - complicated a little as his is a part buy part rent. Burn it an issue as she would have lived in with him if hers happened to complete first
Mortgage all sorted and she’s packed up to go to his when her mortgage advisor flags up a query. To cut a long story short, it transpires he has a CCJ that he knew about but was hoping to not have to tell her. He initially denied it all and then came clean. He’d taken on his 3 bed and just couldn’t manage the bills and had hidden how much he was struggling to her.
she was devastated as she literally had no idea he was living off credit cards and had got in such a muddle. They talked it over, she paid nearly 2k in fees spent to date, she took her flat off the market and lost her buyer of course and he pressed ahead with his sale and he’s about to move in with her now. Perhaps in the next month or so.
they thrashed it all out and she decided to forgive him etc etc. He’s categorically not some secret spender or anything - he had just got in a mess. He is paying her back and all was on track again - and she’s trying to feel positive about losing the house she thought she was getting!
So, all fine. Smoothed over.
Until this week. She’s very busy at work. She works on a specific emergency service and is investigating a huge case right now - one that is taking her to other parts of the country and having to stay away. This is a career defining case for her and she’s flat out but excited. She’s working closely with a male colleague and he’s away with her at the moment. They obvs have separate bedrooms on the hotel they’re booked into but they have dinner together and work alongside each other all day. Her colleague is married - they are genuinely just colleagues working a case together
anyway, she told me her partner had been quiet and off with her for a few days and after a 16 hour day yesterday she rang him from her hotel room to insist he tell her what’s wrong. He cried down the phone , says he feels insecure , weeping that he’s not seen her since last Tuesday but ‘all would be fine when he can hold her again.’
she’s become angry with him now. He cried loads the other month about all the house stuff and now it’s tears again. What on earth does he expect her to do here? She has to work and she’s really in love with him but she’s growing really irritated by these tears and by yet another thing coming up
it all feels a bit red flag to me now and I’m not quite sure what to advise her - his house sales going through and he’s about to move in with her as soon as it does but she was crying last night saying she feels so much pressure now
to reiterate, he is a nice chap and treats her well. No arguments and he does loads of little supportive things for her etc etc but I’m now feeling like I’m not keen on any of this and I think there are significant red flags. Not good with money, lying about it to the point where she thought they were buying a house, and now insecure and jealous about a work colleague.
thoughts?