Argument over a £1

[ForGentleBeaker]

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

I suspect the thread title should be Argument over £1m…..

I'd be sick if I was your husband. I cannot believe you got a loan out when you were not personally in a position to pay it.

Yeah the abuse isn't right but he is responsible for financially supporting your family, you pissed that away and he's worried. I'd be ashamed if I were you.

Please both of you shut up

I don't really see the relevance of this given that it wasn't his choice to sell the property.

How long ago was this and how old are you and your children now? Do you still have some time to try and fix your mistake before you are both retirement age?

You're still doing it....

Laughing emoji pass agg. You're the one who wants the last word? I bet you reply.

Nor me. It's mind boggling, he had a property in London and it's all gone.
I wonder why none of the money could be retrieved.

Oof OP, what a mess. The way you have framed this does come across as minimising the root cause of his anger. You don't appear to be taking responsibility for the choice you made to take out this loan - being hormonal and pregnant really isn't an excuse. From what you say it doesn't sound like you and your husband make decisions together for your family - another example is you decided to be a SAHM, in his mind at least. Is that how it was or was he in favour of this at the time? If not then I wonder at your overall attitude to finances and your marriage. Do you truly regard it as a partnership with equal say and the family coming first, or do you see it as primarily his responsibility to support you? In all honesty I would find it hard to get past my husband doing this and I would expect him to really try to pull his weight financially to make up for it. How have you made amends over the years? What have you done to show him that you have learned? How are you helping him through his current worries about job security?

Sorry you're getting a bit of a pasting, but I do think you need to look hard at how you have framed this issue in your own mind, and you possibly have some work to do now to rectify things.

I imagine, at the time he tried to move past it as you were pregnant and divorcing you would have meant being separated from his newborn and completely changed the trajectory of family life

But, as you have found out now op, some things are just too big to move past. You can put a sticky plaster on and try and live happily, but the resentment builds and boils over eventually

I think you need to resign yourself that, as a couple its too big to move past and, whilst his behaviour currently is cruel, I can't see the underlying issue changing so I'd take steps to end the relationship

Hes tried to remain together but the betrayal and consequences are just too huge.

I agree with you @ILoveWhales - I can't believe op risked her family so much for the sake of "friends" who never paid her back. If I was her husband I'd be raging too.
Although it sounds like it was years ago now, if her DH is worried about losing his job I'm sure thinking back on all this money they lost is making him feel sick now. This is money that could save their family now.

Do you work now @ForGentleBeaker?

As for swearing..... what is it with the glut of posters who get so riled up about it these days?
We're not children, It's not against talk guidelines, who the fuck gives a flying fuckity fuck about other people's language? Not knowing the difference between borrowing and loaning is much more annoying!

Obviously he shouldn’t have been so aggressive but i can see why he was angry. If a friend of mine had a partner who did what you did, I’d tell them to divorce asap. I’d never trust you to make financial decisions again. You can think you’re over something then be triggered and realise you’re not. I think therapy is needed to see if you can overcome it as brushing things under the carpet only leads to resentment. You need to have an open and honest conversation with your DH.

I actually think he has every right to you call any name under the sun to be honest after what you did.

And then leave you.

I agree. I think you could go down the route of couple's counselling, but it's going to be tough.

Your dh must have had the patience of a saint to stick with you when you were so irresponsible. What have you done since then to repair the family finances?

If he has got money worries it's entirely understandable that he is going to be directing some of his emotion towards the person who is responsible for destroying his financial security.

You need to be considerably more repentant than the way you are coming across.

I dont get the pregnancy and hormones connection, surely the more so its the time where your priority is your own family and the costs of additional family member arriving etc- literally the last thing on anyones mind with sense would be to start handing out money.

@ForGentleBeaker have you ever actually properly apologised for what happened?

Yes, it was a bad decision, but seems to have been followed up by more bad ones. I'm not sure why they lost the property altogether.

The only way for you to salvage your relationship is counselling and for you to get a job so you can pay your way. As this was years ago I am assuming your children are now in school. I'm totally with your DH on this. What you did was unforgivable and I'm surprised your DH has managed to hold it in this long.

Exactly this.
He could have said no. He could have not sold the property. Ultimately HE CHOSE to do so.

I'm struggling with his remarks about being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

What the fuck is "diminishing his role"? And "spending money" presumably on clothes, food, bills. If you'd have been a working parent would he have shared the workload?

Only you know the answers here but it isn't sounding good.

I feel immense guilt and suffered from anxiety and depression. I realise I have made everyone's life more difficult, and I feel particularly upset about how this will affect our children. I had to have therapy to deal with this but, there is nothing I can do.

You spent money you didn’t have.

That's almost never a good idea.

It didn’t help your friend, and it didn’t make you the kind, supportive, generous person you wanted to be.

It cost your husband not just an inheritance but what, in hindsight, would have been an amazing financial asset. Which would now offer him the security and the flexibility he might be craving if he’s worried about his job, like you say.

The time that’s lapsed is neither here nor
there really. It sounds like you’ve maybe never processed all of this together. (Easily neglected when you’ve got young kids!)

But I can absolutely understand his anger. And the viciousness that comes with
it. The situation you created is an unmitigated and immensely painful disaster.

It's clearly taken your husband some time to process it all. The fact that he hasn’t wanted to discuss it until now does not mean that it isn’t a relevant, live issue in his mind and in your relationship.

And your claim that there is “nothing” you can do doesn’t seem to align with reality at all. What does that even mean?

You can listen to him, for a start.

With your sentimentality and financial heedlessness, you showed complete disregard for your husband and your family. You failed to put them first. That comes at a massive cost.

These things happen, it’s human, we all make
mistakes! But it doesn’t sound like you’ve taken any kind of responsibility on any level, whether financial, emotional or practical, for your own decisions.

It might be difficult for you to address this fully on your own, I suspect. Maybe a couple’s therapist would be a good idea? To create a space where, first of all, your husband can be honest about his feelings and you can accept proper responsibility for what you’ve done.

And what about the practicalities? You say “best friend” not “ex-best friend”. Is that correct? Are the couple still in your life?Where are you with the loan now?

I agree. It fucking pisses me off when women blame bad behaviour and stupid decision making on hormones as some sort of magic get out clause

I would struggle to forgive you too.

They got into money troubles and continue to do so because of their own stupidity and you knowing this, decided to chose your friend over your DH and kids present and future.

I am a single parent, I have been in debt and been on my arse but I’ve never asked a friend to take out a loan for me and I never would.
I may have had to borrow £10 for nappies but I would never borrow hundreds of thousands off someone.

There was 2 of them and they couldn’t get it together to sort their shit out.
Your kids have lost out on their inheritance because of you.

DH likely stayed for the kids but it’s now catching up on him and this type of resentment will never leave.

The money wasn't borrowed again the house - it was a personal loan which I couldn't repay. The interest and penalties were building up, so we had to sell the house.

I’d be taking my ‘friend’ to court for one thing and set up a repayment plan.