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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argument over a £1

1000 replies

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 08:57

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

OP posts:
Kindling1970 · 30/08/2025 12:25

Enough people have explained why what you did was awful and I totally agree with you as if my partner did this I would feel so unbelievably disrespected and uncared for.

people have mentioned couples therapy but I think you need your own therapy to work out why you were so desperate to get your friends approval and be incredibly people pleasing that you risked your family’s financial future for them to feel (not literally) but emotionally in debt to you.

they were obviously not a true friend as there doesn’t seem to be a plan to pay you back so they saw you coming and knew your personality was one that could be used to get money

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/08/2025 12:25

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 12:23

I feel immense guilt and suffered from anxiety and depression. I realise I have made everyone's life more difficult, and I feel particularly upset about how this will affect our children. I had to have therapy to deal with this but, there is nothing I can do.

Show quote history

There is something you can do. Maximise your earnings to reduce the financial burden on your DH now. Are you earning as much as you could be?

rainingsnoring · 30/08/2025 12:25

I can't believe you are minimising your behaviour so much as to start a thread saying that you had an argument over £1, @ForGentleBeaker. That's incredibly disingenuous. No wonder your DH is angry and resentful with your unwillingness to take any responsibility for your stupidity and stubbornness. You made an utterly foolish decision, ignored him when he told you not to and then forced him to sell his London property. You then proceeded to become a SAHM instead of working as hard as you could to make money to make up for your mistake.
If you want to try to save your marriage, and I don't know if this is possible, you need to think about what you did and take responsibility for it. You need to apologise to him repeatedly and show him that you understand his anger and are taking steps to take the pressure off him financially.

Hoppinggreen · 30/08/2025 12:25

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 12:23

I feel immense guilt and suffered from anxiety and depression. I realise I have made everyone's life more difficult, and I feel particularly upset about how this will affect our children. I had to have therapy to deal with this but, there is nothing I can do.

Show quote history

You are talking about YOUR feelings there and YOUR therapy
What about your DH?

Isthathowlongitsbeen · 30/08/2025 12:25

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 12:23

I feel immense guilt and suffered from anxiety and depression. I realise I have made everyone's life more difficult, and I feel particularly upset about how this will affect our children. I had to have therapy to deal with this but, there is nothing I can do.

Show quote history

Maybe focus less on yourself and how you feel about this and more on your husband and how he feels? How your genuinely really terrible lapse in judgement impacts him.

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 30/08/2025 12:26

It must have been a heck of a lot to have to sell a London property. If your friend lost their home anyway what on earth did they do with the money?!

Agreeing with pp, if my husband had done that to me, as much as it would have pained me, I'd have been long gone. You were reckless playing Lady Bountiful, your husband tried to warn you and you didn't listen.

I'm afraid it's probably the end of your marriage, and if your husband does lose his role it might be the end of your house too. You'll need to get off your arse and get a job.

Mummypie21 · 30/08/2025 12:26

Is she still your best friend?

Squishymallows · 30/08/2025 12:27

I find it hard to have sympathy OP. Sounds like you made a complete balls up to put it politely. What were you thinking?!? The fact you took a personal loan out and clearly gave thousands to a friend is baffling. I would be angry if I were your partner too

hedgehoghugger · 30/08/2025 12:29

I think it is telling that you say the 'only thing' that's different recently is his worries about job security. It seems glaringly obvious that's why he's boiling over now because reality is biting.

Your posts do give the impression you've minimised and trivialised and not really taken full responsibility for your decision made years ago which led to this. If it is the case, obviously this adds insult to injury and your husband's anger and resentment will have multiplied along with the property prices.

Anyone who's been on this earth any length of time will have made mistakes and have regrets that they can't change or put right, but it makes a huge difference to other people involved how you reflect on and judge your actions in hindsight.

rainingsnoring · 30/08/2025 12:29

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 12:23

I feel immense guilt and suffered from anxiety and depression. I realise I have made everyone's life more difficult, and I feel particularly upset about how this will affect our children. I had to have therapy to deal with this but, there is nothing I can do.

Show quote history

You seem to be playing the victim card, rather than taking responsibility.
There are things you could have done and can still do. Are you working full time or more than full time? Are you taking the pressure off him? Have you tried to understand his understandable feelings about this and apologise repeatedly?

howshouldibehave · 30/08/2025 12:29

he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He clearly has a lot of understandable anger towards you. What does he mean specifically by 'spending money' and 'diminishing his role and magnifying' yours?

I would be talking to him to see if this is something he can get past. Does he want to divorce? If he's worried about your financial situation, are you now working full time?

PrincessScarlett · 30/08/2025 12:29

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 12:23

I feel immense guilt and suffered from anxiety and depression. I realise I have made everyone's life more difficult, and I feel particularly upset about how this will affect our children. I had to have therapy to deal with this but, there is nothing I can do.

Show quote history

There's plenty you can do. Have you ever apologised to your DH, like actually genuinely apologised?

You can maximise your earning potential to try and recoup as much as you can.

You can make more of an effort to get the money back from your so called friend.

You can get couples counselling to save your marriage. An outsider might be able to find a way through for you both.

LesCigaresVolants · 30/08/2025 12:29

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 12:24

The money wasn't borrowed again the house - it was a personal loan which I couldn't repay. The interest and penalties were building up, so we had to sell the house.

Did you have anything in writing with the "friend"? Did she and her husband go bankrupt? Was the debt they owned you included in the bankruptcy? Were you paid out anything on the £?

WaitWhatWhatWait · 30/08/2025 12:29

FartNRoses · 30/08/2025 12:20

I actually think he has every right to you call any name under the sun to be honest after what you did.

And then leave you.

💯
I can't believe @ForGentleBeaker is playing this down so much.
I am getting annoyed reading her posts, and it's not even my money.

If this was my spouse I would have divorced you then.

HenDoNot · 30/08/2025 12:30

I think you need your own therapy to work out why you were so desperate to get your friends approval and be incredibly people pleasing that you risked your family’s financial future for them to feel (not literally) but emotionally in debt to you

What makes you think those were the reasons?

From the OP’s posts and the things her husband said to her (jumped up, spending money, diminishing his role and magnifying hers) I more get the impression she enjoyed playing Lady Bountiful and got a kick from feeling a sense of superiority.

Frankenpug23 · 30/08/2025 12:30

So he said ‘no’ to the loan and you did it anyway - risking everything? There would be no coming back from this for me - I don’t blame your DH being so resentful, your actions were reckless and thoughtless (at best).

I do not condone his language, but if that was me I would have worked my arse off to help provide financial security for my family - having lost everything. That included not being a SAHM (again I can see why he resented this!) Its all probably made worse for him as it was his family’s money that bought the house.

He should have walked at the time rather than harbour this resentment- however perhaps marriage counselling would work plus a real commitment from you to help rebuild what was lost.

rainingsnoring · 30/08/2025 12:31

Hoppinggreen · 30/08/2025 12:25

You are talking about YOUR feelings there and YOUR therapy
What about your DH?

Show quote history

Exactly. It's all about the OP and how she is suffering. The DH's feelings aren't even mentioned, when he was the actual victim of the OP's stupid decisions, which she persisted with despite him being entirely against the idea.

ThatCyanCat · 30/08/2025 12:31

How did you come to be a SAHM when you owed so much? Was that truly a joint decision? Surely you weren't approved for an unsecured personal loan that required a house sale to repay if you weren't working?

radiator2 · 30/08/2025 12:31

I’d also say he might have ptsd from what happened. I know of people who’ve uncharacteristically acted out (like your DH snapping) and it turned out to be the start of a mental breakdown. Might be a reach but I’d be worried about his mental health. Especially if he’s so stressed with his job and finances.

I think this situation is a perfect example of why not to add people to your house deeds. Especially if they lack common sense.

ThisChirpyFox · 30/08/2025 12:31

Have you at least attempted to go out and earn your own money so that no everything falls on your husband or have you avoided that because of your anxiety and depression.

If anyone should have got out of working due to those husband it should have been your op. You cannot make a big fuck up like this and avoid putting it right because if how it's affected you.

Your limited answers and that fact you've drip fed information is like you wanted people here to side with you. Can you not see that your husband blew up after you decided what he should have to save £1! He was absolutely right. At first I was disgusted with the way he spoke to you but after all the drip feeds feel you have got off lightly as my words would have been so much worse and id have divorced you long ago.

elfendom1 · 30/08/2025 12:31

@HenDoNot Again… Wow! I mean, there’s a massive horses arse disappearing over the horizon there.

😂

Whaleandsnail6 · 30/08/2025 12:32

I keep coming back to this but I also can't understand the friend!

No matter how shit my financial situation, I could never, ever ask a friend to take out a loan to bail me out and put themselves in an awful financial situation. I can't believe your friend accepted this as a solution op!

RealEagle · 30/08/2025 12:32

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 10:02

He didn't want to lend them anything. His logic was that people who get into money troubles are never able to resolve them.

Show quote history

So you went against him ,He should of fucked off there and then

MagdaLenor · 30/08/2025 12:33

Whaleandsnail6 · 30/08/2025 12:32

I keep coming back to this but I also can't understand the friend!

No matter how shit my financial situation, I could never, ever ask a friend to take out a loan to bail me out and put themselves in an awful financial situation. I can't believe your friend accepted this as a solution op!

Plus, I can't believe she hasn't worked every day to try and pay it back.

AnnaSunshine · 30/08/2025 12:33

Let’s have some financial context:

I’ve just looked at the sold prices of 2 bedroom terraced houses in two areas that have become significantly nicer in the last 20 years, one in west London, one in east. I realise this is a small sample.

In 2000:

West: £100k
East: £60k

Today:

West: £600k
East: £500k

Now, I find it hard to believe that OP who didn’t have an income would be able to secure a personal loan anywhere near the costs of the properties in 2000.

I’m not justifying the financial decision, but what I am saying is I would assume the family retained some of the value of the inherited property and likely invested it?

It simply is not as simple as telling OP that she cost her family approx £500k in today’s money!

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