Argument over a £1

[ForGentleBeaker]

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

“Anyway the OP absolutely should have been working for no other reason than the fact she put her family in financial dire straits.”

This was what you wrote earlier that I personally found challenging.

My point is simple: a stay at home mum is contributing in an easily quantifiable financial manner when they have nursery age children.

Some posters have form for derailing Lady Galahading their way across threads, doing somersaults to cast the blindingly obvious in an entirely different light.

You start to recognise the names, as I did here.

How convenient, a get out of jail free card where YOU think no one can hold her accountable because shes too delicate to face it.

That is NOT how MH works by the way, I know I have it and have been through this at pretty much the highest level.

People with psychosis very often go into debt or bankrupt themselves and therapy afterwards is about TAKING RESPONSIBILITY and MAKING AMENDS to those you hurt by your actions. Its the biggest part of therapy. There not a special 'oh you feel sad so about it so you get a special pass on making restitutions'.

MH is absolutely not about using it as an excuse to dodge the consequences of your actions even if its uncomfortable. No MH system backs that up. That would cause isolation (as people will cut you off) and ongoing risk (as the issue is not faced and addressed so will continue).

OP is manipulative and abusive, financially and emotionally so. Her husband is trapped if he leaves her he will most likely lose his kids and more money he doesn't have. She has it so he cannot leave because he will lose everything, if a woman was trapped like that not a single person here would justify that entrapment as anything other than abuse.

Her posts are full of her twisting thing, burying her head, painting her actions as 'kind' no matter who she hurt and she came her to try and demonize the actual victim.

The word 'sorry' does not magically fix everything neither does 'time', it takes ongoing actions which OP refuses to answer any question surrounding and hasn't posted in any reply which shows its absolutely nothing.

Apart from saying she had 'therapy' there has been no talk about what that means, for all we know shes paying to bounce off an online echo chamber sounding board to make herself feel better or having therapy for completely unrelated things.

Why thank you @Isthathowlongitsbeen ! 👽

I generally support this view. However, the OP gave money she did not have to help a friend. I don't think either person in a relationship should take on debts without the other's agreement when they don't have independent means to pay it back.

There were several stages in this process when the OP could have considered whether what she did was wise. When she ran out of her savings, when her friend admitted her position was worse than she originally said, the first time she missed a repayment.

So yes, SAHM do contribute to the household coffers but 10 years on, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask the OP what she is doing to alleviate matters now apart from making a token gesture when shopping. I don't condone her DP's language but I can understand why this may have been a final straw moment.

I hope I’m not the only one who ends up on well intentioned tangents on threads!

Here I’m talking more broadly than about OP’s circumstance. I agree with your general stance.

... the OP gave money she did not have to help a friend. I don't think either person in a relationship should take on debts without the other's agreement when they don't have independent means to pay it back.

This is what I really don't get! The OP gave her own money to help a friend... OK, fine. That's her decision.
Then the OP borrowed from friends and family to give more money to this "friend", then the OP borrowed from the bank (without any means of repaying), and after all that the friend went NC and left OP in the lurch. All of this after her husband said No, that's not a good idea.

Perhaps I'm too stingy, but I just can't get my head around why, WHY, OP did this?!

And yes saving £1 on DH's favourite cornflakes by not buying Kellogg's is his breaking point 😤

Well I think that my scenario is more likely, given her DH's very strong negative reaction. You think that your explanation is more plausible so we should just agree to differ in the absence of OP coming back to clarify.

Absolutely missing the point of the thread here (which i know is about deception, betrayal etc) but I nominate this thread for Classics as it's a bloody good example of how NOT to do financially sound decisions in a marriage. I've learned lot from other's (OP's) "mistakes" 😕🤔😳

I get the impression that you are very impulsive, but also quite a domineering character. You persuaded your husband to sell the house to pay off your debts, debts incurred through insane financial recklessness on your part. I’m amazed he didn’t divorce you, but by the sounds of it that may be on the cards. You seem to have very little comprehension of the damage you’ve done, and to say that this is a row over £1 spent on a premium brand shows a breathtaking lack of understanding of the whole situation. Others have mentioned that this may be the start of “The Script” - I don’t think it is in the classic affair sense, but I think he might be finally coming to his senses and your marriage is over. If he is, good for him - what you did was unforgivable.

I think the general consensus of the thread is for OP's husband to divorce OP.

Even the way OP has written the post is all biased towards making her husband look bad whilst omitting lots of details.

You later share that he has concerns about finances and his job security. These are massive worries that are on his mind, it's no wonder he snapped. He shouldn't have swore at you and I hope he apologises very soon after. You admit yourself that it's unlike him to treat you in this way - this should immediately alert you that he is seriously unhappy about something. You should be coming to his aide - not trying to shame him on Mumsnet.

You need to have a serious chat with him about the mistakes you made in the past and wether you both want to continue together.

Equally, it seems like you both have some serious financial concerns to deal with now too. You should help share the burden of those concerns.

What's your interpretation of the OP's choice of title for the thread then?

Seems to me that either she's genuinely oblivious to what this is about (it's not about £1) or she's being deliberately misleading.

Sometimes you need to use your common sense when interpreting things. It's obvious that he wanted the other product. It's also obvious that she has been selfish in the way she has dealt with her very major mistake. She mentions her own anxiety, etc, without touching on her DH's, she mentions her own therapy, without talking about how he has dealt with things, she mentions how upset she is that he called her a bitch. It's all about her. Only when asked, did she mention that he is worried about his job security. Many other posters have managed to tie these things together, using common sense and emotional intelligence.

Again, the loan wasn't one incident. Please see the OP's own post where she details repeated incidents of borrowing and lending money. You are extremely selective in what you choose to read and remember at the same time as accusing others of doing this.

Exactly. As I said before, she is either disingenuous or she has very low emotional intelligence. Neither of these are great characteristics for her DH to have to deal with. She could try to change, but doesn't seem to want to do that either. There are lots of comments about 'nothing I can do'.

This is the bit I just can't fathom - OP tipped her own savings into the black hole of her friend's finances, fine her decision, her money to lose. To then go and borrow money from her family and friends to tip into the never ending black hole of her friend's finances, then have to get a bank loan without the funds to service the loan herself to pay back said family and friends just beggars belief. Being pregnant, hormonal, head all over the place just doesn't cut it as an excuse for this. OP chose to do this despite her husband advising her not to. OP went ahead and her husband and children now bear the consequences of her actions.

I wonder what on earth was the hold the friend had over her.

I would also like to know what the Op's husband means when he says this: diminishing his role and magnifying mine. I sounds like a lot more is going on in the relationship than the financial loss. I doubt the Op will respond though as they have failed to respond to any of the reasonable questions about what she has done/is doing, especially now, to alleviate the financial uncertainty that her husband is feeling due to the possible loss of his job. OP refuses to say how she is/is going to support her husband and family now.

Also this: verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words. This says to me that the OP just talks at her husband, doesn't listen and just tries to excuse and justify her previous actions.

It does get worse to find out she then went to borrow money off friends and family to give to the friend who had already cleared her out of her savings!

And plural family and friends - you have to wonder how many people the OP borrowed money off and whether the DH was aware of this?

I think it might help if you could clarify what you mean when you post.

It's not clear here if you mean either "he" didn't want the premium product or that the product wasn't a "premium" one

You are right, the OP doesn't say that the premium product was one her husband wanted. He might have wanted it or the OP may have originally selected it and then swapped it. It isn't clear.

But you are definitely mistaken to say "she simply said she swapped something while grocery shopping"

It is a fact that she said "... I exchange a premium product for a store brand,..."

@PlacidPenelopeYes, I found the “diminishing his role and magnifying mine” remark intriguing. Reading between the lines I think OP seems quite controlling.

I think it does give an idea of the dynamics of the relationship the fact that she completely went against his wishes (multiple times) lending out savings and then borrowing money off friends and family..

Then seemingly minimising the impact this has all had on him by thinking he is kicking off over £1…even strangers could see straight away this wasn’t about the £1. Yet that is the title of this thread..

Agreed. OP even said she thought they’d put all that behind them vis a vis pretend it didn’t happen and isn’t DH terrible for losing it. Well no. He may have and does really love her. Or maybe it’s his love for his kids why he stepped up regardless but it’s clear he’s been put in a really precarious position which OP doesn’t care to recognise once. More than that all the money she gave away wasn’t her own. The ex ‘best friend’ and OP deserve each other. Birds of a feather as neither accepted responsibility properly. Feel extremely sorry for the DH. His life was forever changed on the recklessness and stupidity of his selfish Wife.

Yes, or entitled. It is an intriguing remark. Could also refer to OP not appreciating all he’s contributed whilst extolling what a great DW etc she is. All the while ignoring the elephant 🐘 in the room. Even from this thread it’s obvious she doesn’t care about her DH way she should. The radio silence also telling.

We need some kind of button to hide posts by certain individuals because didimum is just going off on a tangent telling everyone they are making assumptions or facts when she has also made incorrect statements but will not accept it when ppl have shown she is clearly wrong.

If she feels so strongly about supporting the op maybe she should pm her and support her.

Honestly, I think she's enjoying all of these messages so I'm just going to skip over hers.

🤣 me too!

I’m guessing he didn’t divorce her because she would have taken 50%+ of the family home too. Poor bugger would have lost even more money. He can’t win this one and he knows it. No wonder he is calling her names.

You’ve articulated what I was thinking. Overall OP comes across as controlling and this is kind of confirmed by what her DH said when he blew his top, She mentioned that he had alluded to what happened from time to time and I do wonder whether these were attempts to talk things through, which were shut down by OP because she had managed to put it behind her and wasn’t comfortable talking about it. I think OP has posted about this because she’s had a shock when he lost his shit - she has never really taken responsibility for the way in which her actions affected him and she’s like the frog waking up to how hot the water is getting and she’s realising her marriage is in trouble.