Argument over a £1

[ForGentleBeaker]

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

She says ‘My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.’

Thats not an interpretation. That’s literally her DH not discussing it.

What indicates ‘the shortest route’?

no mention of helping DH with any MH problems arising out of what she did - what indicates he was displaying mental health problems about it when he didn’t wasn’t to talk about it, mentioned it in passing over 10yrs and ‘hasn’t ever said anything like this to me’.

What OP did wasn’t a mistake.
I didn’t call it a mistake, I called it a bad choice. In another post to the OP I also said what she did was awful, that being pregnant and hormonal wasn’t an excuse. and that I could understand him name calling her. So let’s not pretend I don’t understand the issue.

700 bashing posts and making up ‘facts’ is still useless and harmful.

Given what OP has said about addressing her own guilt and anxiety with therapy, and completely omitting any detail about what she did to help her DH overcome his issues surrounding what happened, l think it’s more likely that any attempt to discuss it with OP was met with a complete shut down of the conversation. It’s very naive to think that he wouldn’t have his own mental health issues as a result of this and OP’s posts all indicate self involvement and lack of awareness. It doesn’t matter what the item was that she put back, or who wanted it. The fact that she swapped it for something cheaper was probably a reminder to him that had OP not been so reckless, they would easily have afforded the original item because their financial position would be so much better. This is not rocket science.

It’s not a ‘basic truth’ because it literally doesn’t say he wanted the premium item.

It indicates that he had been triggered by OP’s attempt to save money.

I don’t get homework from strangers on the internet. I know what I wrote … because funnily enough I wrote them.

I asked where I have made up facts – since you can’t indicate where, we’ll have to assume (😱) that I haven’t.

It’s perfectly obvious to everyone except you. Clearly you are just here to argue

Get. A. Job. Get. A. 2nd. Job.

Admit that she fucked up and promise not to do it again.

Stop trying to control her DH spending, she should concentrate on herself.

How can OP address what he is not discussing?

What indicates ‘lack of awareness?’

The fact that she swapped it for something cheaper was probably a reminder to him that had OP not been so reckless, they would easily have afforded the original item because their financial position would be so much better. This is not rocket science.

Where has this ever been in dispute by anyone? Including the OP?

But there is a huge likelihood that any discussions they don’t have end up with her referencing the immense guilt she had he may well have not been able to express his feelings around it. All the posts have so many I statement about how this impacted her and her feelings the chances are any sensible discussion was shut down.

so his feelings have been shutdown until they come out. Because let’s be honest there isn’t one of us who wouldn’t be angry at what the OP did - for me it would have been potentially relationship ending and it may have well be the case here

and there was an initial discussion where he expressed it wasn’t a good idea and she then borrowed from friends and family and then the bank which is a strange series of events

Once again, state where it says he wanted the premium item. It doesn’t.

And clearly you are only here to bash a woman into the ground by any means you can muster by a bad choice made a decade ago.

She’s got circa 700 of those already. Or will only 800 satisfy you?

😂

Sorry, ‘any discussions they don’t have’? I don’t understand the meaning.

How is one meant to express remorse, without expressing guilt? Is not feeling and expressing remorse the thing you’re meant to do?

If expressing remorse isn’t what the DH needs then he needs to tell her what he does need. No one is a mind reader when their partner isn’t communicating. It’s his responsibility to do that.

OP may have shut down discussions - she also might not have. There isn’t any information on that either way.

It was never mentioned that DH wanted the cheaper item
I didn’t say DH wanted the cheaper item. Clearly he didn’t if he kicked off when OP tried to swap the more expensive one for the cheaper store version.

OP clearly considered the initial kick off to be about the £1 difference when she posted, because it’s right there in the title.

OP has centred on what effect this had on herself and has displayed little awareness of how it’s affected her DH. This is made clear by her surprise at the incident triggering his rant. Saying she’s sorry and that she would change it if she could, and reiterating her immense guilt is all very well but it doesn’t address what’s going on under the surface. She says ‘It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me’. What else did she expect ? She would have to be very naive to think that he had put it all behind him, when he was the one who was financially ruined by what she did.

It’s brilliant when people laugh at someone having received hundreds of hateful posts.

I’m only laughing at you 😂😂

The OP clearly has some main character issues the entire thread is all about her and her feelings that the advice that she needs to self reflect about this and rather than have guilt and anxiety take responsibility

OP clearly considered the initial kick off to be about the £1 difference when she posted, because it’s right there in the title.

When why did she lead the whole post with the past event and not the supermarket event?

Saying she’s sorry and that she would change it if she could, and reiterating her immense guilt is all very well but it doesn’t address what’s going on under the surface.

She is posting about what’s going on under the surface, as she lead with that information.

And again, how is one supposed to know what resentment is building if the other person doesn’t communicate it?

I don’t think it’s strange when people express their own feelings when posting about a dilemma. They are, after all, the person posting.

I told OP what she did was awful and that the only thing I would recommend is marriage counselling now it has reached this point.

Go for it. I don’t particularly care.

And again @Didimum how is one suppose to stop resentment if whenever they talk about it the other brings up their feelings of anxiety and guilt and shutdown the conversation which it is highly likely the OP has done

there are lots of things that can be inferred from the posts (and inferences are NOT assumptions) and that is what many posters have done

Most of them are truthful rather than hateful. Something like this would be marriage ending for most people. DH is still there ten years on, and if OP is to be believed he has never uttered a word about what happened. And yet it’s never crossed her mind that he’s dangerously bottling things up and that he may need therapy, as she did, to come to terms with it ? The fact that OP is surprised at this incident triggering him indicates that she’s only ever thought about how she feels as the perpetrator, and not how he feels as the innocent party.

And no, it doesn’t state that he actually wanted the premium item. But a monkey could interpret the meaning of him kicking off when OP swapped it for a cheaper version - especially when OP actually clarified what he meant. So why on earth are you still arguing the point ?

Fucking hell!

There's no skin left on that "premium item" drum you've beaten it so much 😫

Not sure how this would have helped. If she had declared bankruptcy, the trustee in bankruptcy would have had to liquidise her assets to pay her creditors at least part of the debt owed to them. Her only assets (having given her savings to her friend) appear to have been the London house with her name on it and possibly their family home if her name is on those deeds. The trustee would have applied for a severance of any joint tenancy and order for sale of one or both of those properties. Whilst the trustee couldn't touch the husband's equity share, the husband would still lose the property. If their family home was potentially at risk, the best option was to sell the London BTL.

Posters are making stuff up, or jumping to certain conclusions purely because OP is being very cagey about two things in particular, i.e. how much money did she give her friend and did she go back to work at any point to help with the family finances.

She has answered other questions but not those two very pertinent questions. People are jumping to the worst conclusions due to OP's reluctance to provide further clarification.

And again how is one suppose to stop resentment if whenever they talk about it the other brings up their feelings of anxiety and guilt and shutdown the conversation which it is highly likely the OP has done

For sure, it’s hard to when that’s the actual dynamic between two people. But where is it specifically indicated that this is what has happened? You can wonder if it has, but you can’t use it against her if you don’t know if it has or not, because until you know it’s just made up.

I have assumed the DH hasn’t wanted to talk about it, because OP said he hasn’t.

This is a really sad post. In a sliding doors moment OP made what can only be described as a beyond reckless series of decisions to borrow to help a ‘friend’. Against her husbands express wishes which is appalling (arrogant, stupid?) and to their financial detriment ever more. Worse it sounds like she’s not tried to even by token measures make up for it financially but instead opted to and enjoyed SAHM status, potentially placing more financial strain on and spending money…
From DH’s pov his family would likely always have given him £s for BTL. But for putting OPs name on it (and tbh had he instead married someone else) he would be extremely comfortable now. Harsh but thought likely crossed his mind too. If OP also has expensive taste (reference to jumped up/spending £s) it’s no wonder he finally lost it. He probably stayed because he loved OP.
Not once does OP say she loves him. Or say what she gives. She never once seems to even reflect on how he feels. Just noting that he’s an excellent DH/DF.
I’d of been beyond furious with the woe is me I need counselling to cope with the impact on me period. Assuming he didn’t get that luxury and had to keep working/providing. Some things require action and agree with all who say get a job, 2 or 3. Hoping DH reads this as tone deafness of OP is irritating even for MN let alone what it must be like in RL.