Argument over a £1

[ForGentleBeaker]

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

This gets worse! You borrowed from friends and family to loan money to your "friend" and borrowed from the bank to pay the friends and family back because she didn't. This is madness.

By borrowing any money you jeopardised your own family's financial security.

Best friend or not it may have been a long con. It's very telling that she then just went NC with you leaving your DH to sort out the mess you got into.

I had an ex friend a bit like you. She loved playing saviour and lady bountiful with someone else's money. That money wasn't just yours to give and your DH didn't agree to it. Neither I imagine did your friends and family had they known where the money was going.

What did you do to sort it out? An evening job? What are you doing now?

Which l think is spot on. OP swapped out something he wanted for a cheaper version and it triggered his resentment for the money she cost him by helping her friend. She effectively reminded him that what he wanted then didn’t matter to her, and ten years later it still doesn’t.

I think if OP thinks the argument and nasty name calling was really just about the £1 she’s very naive. She doesn’t seem to be aware of the life changing consequences of what she did and how it continues to affect their finances - penny pinching in a supermarket being one indication. His resentment is obviously still boiling away under the surface, and my feeling is that OP doesn’t realise how much trouble her marriage is in.

Putting a premium product he wanted back on the shelf and swapping it for a cheaper supermarket version is a good indication that ten years on OP doesn’t give any thought to what he wants. That’s why he lost his shit - the realisation that ten years later he’s still paying the price for OP’s recklessness.

I wonder as well if the fact her DH refused to talk about it was because of her reaction, that she would claim guilt and anxiety and all the things she has done on hear effectively shutting down the conversation completely

Which l think is spot on. OP swapped out something he wanted for a cheaper version and it triggered his resentment for the money she cost him by helping her friend. She effectively reminded him that what he wanted then didn’t matter to her, and ten years later it still doesn’t.

It was never mentioned that DH wanted the cheaper item. That was made up by another poster elsewhere.

I think if OP thinks the argument and nasty name calling was really just about the £1 she’s very naive.

She doesn’t, because went on to explain the argument in its wider context.

She doesn’t seem to be aware of the life changing consequences of what she did and how it continues to affect their finances - penny pinching in a supermarket being one indication.

Firstly, swapping out items for cheaper in a grocery shop is an entirely normal thing for anyone to do. That’s not a strong indicator or anything – it’s fairly neutral.

How is she not aware when she has said all the following - that of course she’s sorry, that she go back and change it if she could and that she suffered anxiety and depression over her choices.

She also leads with the backstory and not the grocery shop incident, which came second. Saying, before explaining the £1 argument, that she has ‘immense guilt’. This all very plainly says that she is aware of the undercurrent issue.

His resentment is obviously still boiling away under the surface, and my feeling is that OP doesn’t realise how much trouble her marriage is in.

Thats evident now. How is OP supposed to have been aware of that over the last 10yrs when he hasn’t addressed it with her or communicated it?

Where does it say he wanted the premium product? It simply said she swapped something while grocery shopping.

It’s clear it was a triggering action. No one is denying that – OP included. But the silent over 10yrs is his responsibility for not having addressed.

What would you all like the OP to do about it now, exactly? Magically conjure up £800k or whatever the house would have been worth now? Be for real please. It is what it is, if her husband can't forgive then they can split up, but he needs to stop beating her up about the money they would have possibly made off the house (money that they never actually had or were ever guaranteed to have, mind you). She's apologised and clearly feels bad about it. OP has also never said they are living in poverty or struggling.

I initially thought that the choice of 'argument over £1' title was the OP being incredibly disingenuous but it is possible that @Rosscameasdoody @Gymrabbit and @Manxexile are correct that she has exceptionally low emotional intelligence, including a total lack of ability to self reflect on why this may have triggered her DH and the impact of what she has done, and a lack of empathy for him in light of the fact that he is apparently worried about his job currently.

I think that the very negative responses to the OP are not just because of the stupidity and selfishness of her initial actions, which were repeated, despite her DH's protests, but also because of her passive attitude in not even trying to improve things for her DH, not recognising his feelings, the focus on her mental health, rather than his, the 'nothing I can do, shrug' comments.

@Didimum has complained constantly about other poster's alleged assumptions but has also made her own continuously in favour of the OP, to the point of belying any sort of sense and becoming as disingenuous or lacking in EI as the OP.

This

Have you read 'how to save your marriage without talking about it'? It's amazing and essentially says men come from a place of shame and women from fear. An example is given where a man is going to lose his job, and his wife expresses fear 'how are we going to cope', the man feels shame and feels he is to blame. And can lash put because of shame. Sounds like this may be happening here. Your accepted roles are him as the financial provider and you as the care provider and he is worried he can do that any more and blaming you. Of course he shouldn't, but we all make mistakes, like you did all those years ago. I would be trying to be kind, don't blame him, and try for counselling. And read the book.

Just to correct an earlier post. I thought she only lent them £1000. Not sure where I got that from. It's clear it was a greater sum than that.

I think that’s a reasonable assumption, given that OP’s posts all seem to be centred on how this has affected her, and how she was so anxious and guilty she had to go into therapy. How did her DH cope with his feelings ? Anger at his wife’s determination to help this friend at any cost, helplessness that she went ahead against his wishes, and resentment at what it cost and continues to cost them. Three children and penny pinching in a supermarket ten years on when they could have been mortgage free with savings in the bank must be a hard fact to wake up to every morning.

OP didn’t care what he wanted when she did this. And the incident in the supermarket is a good indication that she still doesn’t. From what she’s said in her posts, she focused on the quickest way to put what she did behind her, and l doubt that would have included talking things through and making sure any mental health issues her DH had were addressed. I think the poor bloke has been left to get on with it because OP has shut down any attempt at discussion. Now that he has worries about his job security the whole thing has come to the surface again, triggered by another unilateral and selfish act from OP - albeit much smaller, but clearly significant to him. OP sounds so self involved that l doubt she will realise her marriage is in trouble until the day her DH packs his bags and leaves - which will happen at some point when he realises that’s what he should have done ten years ago.

Right here in the opening post:

'Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic.'

You have no idea that he hasn't tried hard to address his feelings. He stayed with her didn't he and has, again according to what @ForGentleBeaker wrote, has been an excellent husband and father. That's simply your interpretation, again one that is anti the man and in favour of the woman yet. There seems to be a pattern here.

Can you point to the assumptions I have made based on made up ‘facts’? Thanks.

Just read your own posts and try to reflect on your interpretations@Didimum.

I think it’s more resentment at the fact that had it not been for OP, they would have the means to ride out any problems if he lost his job. And possibly shame that he didn’t do more to prevent her from taking them into a form of financial ruin. What OP did all those years ago wasn’t a mistake, it was a conscious and reckless decision, carried through against his wishes and ultimately costing her and her family their financial security. I don’t know of any book able to fix that.

I asked for where it is said he wanted the premium product. That doesn’t say that.

OP says that he has refused to talk about the past incident and not raised an angry world about it since. He may indeed have ‘tried very hard’, but he hasn’t communicated it to the OP.

I’m not anti-man. In my first comment I wrote that what she said did awful, that it’s never ok to call your partner a bitch but that I understand why he did. I then recommended marriage counselling as the only option I could see to reconcile this.

700 posts of bashing later and it’s getting extreme, entirely useless and many posts resorting to bullying.

I can’t tell if you are asking for emotional support in dealing with your husband’s anger or whether you want practical solutions.

I think what you need is the latter.

Even if your friend was declared bankrupt she still has a moral duty to repay anyone she can, and that includes you. You owe it to your husband to pursue this as soon as they are in any way back on their feet. Her debt to you should come before absolutely everything except food and shelter.

You should be considering whether what you are earning is enough of a contribution. I’m assuming you are working full time and in as well paid a position as you’re qualified for. You don’t have the luxury of choice.

You should be talking to him about his needs, regrets and expectations, and what would make this right.

I hope this helps OP. I do understand that this thread has been punishing but you started it and you seem very passive and disinclined to engage. If what you wanted was moral support this must have come as a shock.

I have. There are no made up ‘facts’. Please point to where you see them.

Well as you may have read, I suggested counselling. And to read the book.

I asked for where it is said he wanted the premium product. That doesn’t say that.

Oh be serious. If she had decided that swap an item that only she wanted for something cheaper, why on earth would he go ‘ballistic?’
It’s fine to try and show some balance and probably justified given the pile on . But not by denying basic truths

I'm not sure if you are being deliberately obtuse here. It's clear, from what is written and his reaction, that he wanted the premium product and she exchanged it.

The OP has not said that he refused to talk about the past incident. Again, that's your interpretation. You have also said incident, singular, when it was, in fact, multiple episodes of stupidity and poor judgement. There are two examples of your twisting and interpreting things in the OP's favour without any need to look back for all the other examples.

Clearly, you have not had a chance to read and reflect on all your posts in the 5 minutes since I made the suggestion. I have just pointed out two to get you started. I'm not doing your homework for you!

Well for a start you assumed that DH hasn’t wanted to talk about what happened. OP has demonstrated quite clearly that she took the shortest route to putting what she did behind her, regardless of her DH’s feelings. She developed guilt and anxiety and got therapy for it - no mention of helping DH with any MH problems arising out of what she did. So it’s infinitely more likely that her guilt and shame has been used as an excuse to shut down any attempt at a conversation around the issue, and he’s been left to get on with it.

What OP did wasn’t a mistake. She put her friend above her family and took a massive risk to help her out, regardless of her DH’s objections. Predictably it went tits up and has massively reduced her family’s ongoing financial security as a result.. OP is not the innnnocent party, she’s the perpetrator and yet in every post you’re pretzeling yourself to support OP and paint her DH as the one who’s wrong.

Where is it clear? He went ballistic for her exchanging an items. It says nowhere that he went ballistic because he wanted the other items.

I say incident singular, because in the first post it’s the one incident – the loan to give the friend money.

‘My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.’ – this says he has refused to discuss it.