Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argument over a £1

1000 replies

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 08:57

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

OP posts:
Bunnycute23 · 31/08/2025 01:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WaitWhatWhatWait · 31/08/2025 01:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Is that ChatGPT's second cousin? Perhaps he had tofu curry for his supper? 🤔

Bellevue85 · 31/08/2025 01:42

Do you work OP? Bringing in an income would help take some pressure off your husband, if he’s feeling the pressure at work and financially.

Clonakilla · 31/08/2025 01:53

Look choosing your friend over your family’s security wasn’t just stupid, it’s a betrayal. It would be marriage-ending for many.

But if your husband decided it wasn’t marriage-ending, then he needed to work through it not brood over it for years. That’s unfair, unreasonable, and has led to terrible behaviour towards you now.

the5thgoldengirl · 31/08/2025 02:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CatDad13 · 31/08/2025 02:26

ForGentleBeaker · Yesterday 12:24

It was a personal loan which I couldn't repay.
So we had to sell the house.

You knew he'd bail you out didn't you?

bingewatchingnetflix · 31/08/2025 02:32

I don’t think this is true.

Walkden · 31/08/2025 03:14

"Why are you acting the innocent party? You made him sell his house to help a friend. What sort off mentality is that? 🙄 Unless there’s a huge back story"

Worse the husband said stay out of it / lend them nothing and she ignored him and her friend was declared bankrupt anyway so the money didn't help her ( now non contact ) friend/ was ultimately pointless !

SpiritAdder · 31/08/2025 03:43

You committed financial infidelity by taking out a bank loan you couldn’t repay to lend your friend money knowing your husband disagreed and he would be the one who would have to bail you out.

That is as bad as an affair. Have you ever apologised? Properly? Paid him back at all? It sounds like you have been minimising your betrayal all along by making excuses of being pregnant & hormonal (which doesn’t cause women to be incapable of realising that borrowing enough money for a London house with no way to pay it back is a very stupid idea) and now calling it an “argument over £1” when it obviously was an argument over the loss of £100ks perhaps more than £1m.

Yes he called you some nasty names, and that is not acceptable. However what you did was far far worse imho, you forced your DH to pay off your debt that he had literally told you he was not up to be guarantor for. That is financial infidelity- taking on a big debt without the agreement of your partner.

Ownyourchoices · 31/08/2025 04:40

I would have divorced you over this. There is no justification for going against your DH for a shonky, hopeless with money friend. In my view, you stole from him.

thepariscrimefiles · 31/08/2025 05:51

cryinglaughing · 30/08/2025 21:50

Were you blackmailed into lending the money?
Did she have something over you that made it difficult for you not to lend it?
I can't believe anyone of a rational mind would go to such lengths to acquire money to lend to a "friend".

I am absolutely with your dh on this, I would struggle to forgive you for putting the whole family on a risky financial footing for years, maybe for ever 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was wondering that. Surely, at the point that OP had used all her savings to help her friend, it would have been perfectly reasonable for her to tell her friend that she didn't have any more money to give her. I can't believe that she then borrowed money, not only from family, but from other friends. I really don't understand her thought processes here. She had been a good friend by lending her all her own savings, so surely any debt to her friend was paid at that point.

Typicalwave · 31/08/2025 07:14

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Maybe he chose to bottle it up because he initially tried and he was dismissed and invalidated whilst she made herself look like the poor victim - and he couldn't stomach that circle on repeat.

HK04 · 31/08/2025 07:21

Rewinding right back…

At the time I had no money but we had a property

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchanged a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed (sic happily pssed?) away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money...*

Sounds like OP had nothing, DH added her to the deeds and like many have said she knew he’d bail her out. So after it happened instead of stepping up to make up the £s shortfall she’s enjoyed SAHM status and spending even more £s? Impact on him is never mentioned. DH seems to just be cash-cow.

Don’t blame him at all snapping and shutting down. Not easy talking to someone who doesn’t properly recognise the situation as it is without trying to be the victim. Naive of OP to say she thought they’d put it behind them, that level of betrayal will always be there to some extent. OP could offer divorce and let him have joint assets to the value of the loss. The lot if need be.

Just wonder what hold the toxic friend had? Whole situation beyond nuts.

saraclara · 31/08/2025 07:26

Mumofteenandtween · 30/08/2025 18:47

I think that the situation was as follows (with made up numbers):-

BTL value:- £100k
Mortgage size:- £80k

Amount Op lent:- £20k

Value of BTL now:- £800k

So had they not sold the BTL then they would now be sitting on c£750k equity in the BtL (as the mortgage would also be reduced.)

I don’t think that the Op’s Dh has been sitting on massive resentment all these years. It has been there but he chose to deal with it / ignore it and move on. From the sounds of it they were a pretty happy family.

The problem is that what the Op’s husband has to forgive her for has effectively changed over the years.

Originally she lost them £20k and he had to sell his property. It was bad but they were ok financially without the flat and there was a baby coming and he didn’t want to only see it occasionally so he chose to forgive her.

5 years later the flat is worth £800k and the loss is now really painful. But they are ok financially as the husband has a good job and they now have 3 kids and are happy so he mutters slightly to himself and moves on.

Another year later and suddenly his job is at risk and the family are at the brink of financial disaster. He is stressed as hell and having sleepless nights. He can’t talk to his wife about it in case her mental health takes another nose dive so he has to cope alone. He can’t stop thinking about the £800k flat and how all his problems would be solved if he still owned it.

Show quote history

I think that is the most likely scenario and explains why these feelings of his have suddenly come to the surface.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 31/08/2025 07:52

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 22:12

This was well over a decade ago, and I have apologised, of course I am sorry. If I could undo it i would.

Show quote history

You keep saying this but there’s nothing in your posts about what you’ve actually done to try and get this money back.

OldBeyondMyYears · 31/08/2025 08:02

Honestly OP, I would have been beyond furious at you. What an utterly stupid (and naive!) thing for you to do.

However, your DH either needs to get over it (full disclosure, I would not have been able to!) or ship out (which is what I’d be doing as I could never get over this level of stupidity!!)

Up to you what to do about it though.

DoRayMeMeMe · 31/08/2025 08:08

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 22:12

This was well over a decade ago, and I have apologised, of course I am sorry. If I could undo it i would.

Show quote history

It isn’t clear how your husband behaved at the time. Was he afraid of your fragile mental health that he felt he couldn’t really say anything at the time, but for him it has actually always been there.

You also seem rather incurious about why he was so sensitive yesterday. Was it related to the person from whom he received the gift that allowed this to happen, and what they would think about it all.

There seems to be two parts here (a) You behaved massively foolishly at the time (b) You come across as quite passive in fixing the problem as best you can.

I think you need to have a really honest conversation where he gets to say how he feels. But you also have to try to commit to making it better.

Didimum · 31/08/2025 08:13

Manxexile · 30/08/2025 23:41

Haven't you (deliberately?) missed the point of @Gymrabbit 's post?

You asked for an example of where the OP had shown a lack of self-reflection or awareness.

Gymrabbit has pointed out that the actual title the OP chose to give to this thread - Argument over a £1 - shows a complete lack of reflection or awareness insofar as she must (according to her own choice of words) believe her husband called her a jumped up bitch over a £1.

If she had any self-refelction or awareness she would have called the thread I've lost my husband £500k (or whatever) and he's still upset with me.

Yes the £1 triggered the husband but the OP must be able to see that that isn't the issue here. If she doesn't she has no self-reflection

Show quote history

No, that’s your interpretation of it.

Didimum · 31/08/2025 08:16

Trendyname · 31/08/2025 00:16

But op couldn’t change her ways of dictating how his money is spent in 10 years despite having therapy paid by him.

Show quote history

Whats the evidence for any of this? Where has she dictated what he spends over 10years? Where does it say he paid for therapy.

You’re fictionalising to make points that aren’t there.

Didimum · 31/08/2025 08:18

Trendyname · 31/08/2025 00:26

Ok so he is supposed to pitch in resolving problems created by op, pay for her therapy.

But when it comes to his stress, he needs to do it himself.

Marriage is a two way partnership. You can’t have double standards of - team approach for one when they are facing a problem, but ‘you can take responsibility for your own issues’ for the other.

Sadly when you make mistakes which have consequences/ impacts for years, there is usually resentment. That’s human nature. It’s up to Op how she wants to see this - an argument over £1 in store or a deeper issue requiring more sensitive approach rather than a simple apology with an attitude of get over it, it cannot be undone.

Show quote history

Once again, you’ve made up that he paid for OP’s therapy to try to make it sound worse. That information was never given.

Why make things up?

Emmafuller79 · 31/08/2025 08:21

bingewatchingnetflix · 31/08/2025 02:32

I don’t think this is true.

I think thats your problem .

you think if don’t happen to
vera down the road/your 6 friends/your siblings/yourself then it can’t be true 🙄

Didimum · 31/08/2025 08:23

ThisChirpyFox · 31/08/2025 00:37

Is that a fact - or what you have gathered from what little the op has said? As you have constantly tagged onto posters comments about them being facts or not.

How do we know the husband has not often brought it up - we gave had much from the op. She could have thought it was in the past to make herself feel better.

Also the husband could have nit raised it as much over the years to keep the peace. Most people would have divorced her but he stated to be an excellent husband and father otherwise divorcing could have split up his family and meant he was separated from his children. Why should he suffer that when she was at fault.

People are allowed their opinions so please refrain from the 'but is it a fact' because you also might not have all the facts due to the information the op has given and most of it is about it has affected her, how bad a financial situation her friend was in but very little about how it affected her DH.

Edited
Show quote history

Well, it literally is the triggering argument and it the reason she decided to post, so yeah …

Opinions are one thing – such as that it was a stupid choice, that her DH should have divorced her, that she should have worked and not been a SAHM.

Making up ‘facts’, are entirely difference and serve precisely no purpose, yet are stated as true and then used as ammunition for a beating. If you don’t know the info, you can’t use it against her.

Emmafuller79 · 31/08/2025 08:26

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 31/08/2025 07:52

You keep saying this but there’s nothing in your posts about what you’ve actually done to try and get this money back.

Show quote history

Glad it wasn’t only me whom noticed that!

She made no attempts to get a job
also having more than one kid is daft in her case. Two kids would still be pricey for a family
in debt. but 3 kids would be totally
unaffordable for a family in debt.

Hope she’s using contraception cause in
a few months time she’ll be coming on here whining she’s pregnant with her 4th 🙄

Didimum · 31/08/2025 08:28

ThisChirpyFox · 31/08/2025 00:40

Didimum conveniently missed the point of many of the posters and continues to support the op.

Show quote history

Or, because as usual, posters on MN are making shit up to beat a woman to death. Same old story on here. If I want to support a woman who made a bad choice over 10yrs ago and is getting circa 700 lashing from nasty people, some who are just making up information to make it worse, then I will do thanks.

FrogFalacy · 31/08/2025 08:29

Op do you work now? Could you increase hours and take a bit of the financial stress off DH? You can’t undo the past but if not already doing so now you could try to share the financial repercussions. Then have a serious chat with DH about how to move forward but possibly if you have only ever said sorry but not actually tried to repay any of it this in itself might be a big help to now say I love you (do you?), see what a good father and husband you are (you’ve said this in post)and share the financial burden (not seen you say this so not sure you ever have)

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.