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Original poster

Argument over a £1

1000 replies

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 08:57

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

OP posts:
Manxexile · 30/08/2025 23:41

Didimum · 30/08/2025 23:13

It was the triggering argument, after a decade of the DH not communicating about it.

Show quote history

Haven't you (deliberately?) missed the point of @Gymrabbit 's post?

You asked for an example of where the OP had shown a lack of self-reflection or awareness.

Gymrabbit has pointed out that the actual title the OP chose to give to this thread - Argument over a £1 - shows a complete lack of reflection or awareness insofar as she must (according to her own choice of words) believe her husband called her a jumped up bitch over a £1.

If she had any self-refelction or awareness she would have called the thread I've lost my husband £500k (or whatever) and he's still upset with me.

Yes the £1 triggered the husband but the OP must be able to see that that isn't the issue here. If she doesn't she has no self-reflection

Trendyname · 31/08/2025 00:09

Irisilume · 30/08/2025 22:15

Would it be more respectful to go for the premium item then, by your logic? What exactly should she do to make it up to him years after the fact, publicly flagellate herself? It's not OPs fault that her husband chose to bottle this up for apparently over a decade.

Show quote history

Would it be more respectful to go for the premium item then, by your logic?

It hardly premium if it is only £1 more expensive.

where was OP’s budgeting when she decided to be this overly generous to friend but now while shopping with dh she is being so strict with budget. Yes it is disrespectful to not care for wishes of her dh. Perhaps in his eyes, didn’t care for his wishes then, and still not caring

Trendyname · 31/08/2025 00:16

heroinechic · 30/08/2025 23:26

What are you on about with the “never got to process his pain and stress”? Who stopped him from processing it? He’s had well over a decade to get to grips with it.

Show quote history

But op couldn’t change her ways of dictating how his money is spent in 10 years despite having therapy paid by him.

Saladbar · 31/08/2025 00:18

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 20:27

I feel this will blur the issuse: my best friend unexpectedly asked to borrow money and I lent her a small amount. She said it was a cash flow problem and I had no reason to doubt her and she repaid me. She asked again several times for money, and I used my savings. She latter told me the extent of her financial difficulty but assured me it was temporary, so I borrowed from family and friends to help her out. When my friends asked me to repay their loans I couldn't and I borrowed from banks, which I then couldn't repay.

He tried to purchase another BTL but couldnt for a variety of factors: we had children & didn't have the money; lending criteria became more onerous and home prices appreciated. By the time we had enough money the BTL tax rules had meant it didn't make financial sense.

I didn't have any form of written agreement; they were declared bankrupt after their business had failed. She went NC and moved away. It's been years since I've seen her.

She was my best friend for a reason, and she helped me when I was in a very dark place. I was looking to repay my debt to her when I lent her the money.

Show quote history

This is one of the most shockingly naive financial mistakes ever. Your borrowed off your own family for someone else? WTF! Then took out bank loans and lost your property? I’d have divorced you over this huge betrayal. I think you’ve got off lightly TBH. Not people pleasing enough to prioritise your child and husband or listen to him about HIS property get got with HIS inheritance. This is awful. If the roles were flipped people would be saying this was the worker type of deceit and financial abuse to do this to your family. And you’re on here complaining he’s stressed.

ThisChirpyFox · 31/08/2025 00:19

Mookie81 · 30/08/2025 21:51

If I was him and my wife had done that to me, I'd be calling her a bitch as well!
The sexes the other way round, people would be clamouring for her to LTB.

Show quote history

This exactly - she was reckless and deserved this!

Not only did she go against his wishes but she even borrowed from family and friends.

Her husband sounds like a gem - she described him as an excellent father and husband up until this point. He only snapped because she had the cheek to swap his item when out shopping.

To the posters who keep saying but where are the facts - she is giving little bits at a time and has not answered many questions. So I am allowed my opinions about her.

To others saying - he should have got over it by now. It seems he's tried to keep his family together - has still provided for them and again as she said has been an excellent father and husband. So cut him slack. I would have called her far worse.

Her latest posts just makes the whole situation seem worse than before.

CatDad13 · 31/08/2025 00:25

Mumofteenandtween · 30/08/2025 18:47

I think that the situation was as follows (with made up numbers):-

BTL value:- £100k
Mortgage size:- £80k

Amount Op lent:- £20k

Value of BTL now:- £800k

So had they not sold the BTL then they would now be sitting on c£750k equity in the BtL (as the mortgage would also be reduced.)

I don’t think that the Op’s Dh has been sitting on massive resentment all these years. It has been there but he chose to deal with it / ignore it and move on. From the sounds of it they were a pretty happy family.

The problem is that what the Op’s husband has to forgive her for has effectively changed over the years.

Originally she lost them £20k and he had to sell his property. It was bad but they were ok financially without the flat and there was a baby coming and he didn’t want to only see it occasionally so he chose to forgive her.

5 years later the flat is worth £800k and the loss is now really painful. But they are ok financially as the husband has a good job and they now have 3 kids and are happy so he mutters slightly to himself and moves on.

Another year later and suddenly his job is at risk and the family are at the brink of financial disaster. He is stressed as hell and having sleepless nights. He can’t talk to his wife about it in case her mental health takes another nose dive so he has to cope alone. He can’t stop thinking about the £800k flat and how all his problems would be solved if he still owned it.

Show quote history

Thanks, that makes more sense.

I'd assumed the inheritance was enough to buy it outright. It's looks like it was a deposit and the rest came from a mortgage.

Trendyname · 31/08/2025 00:26

Didimum · 30/08/2025 22:08

Posters have asked her to describe the circumstances at the time and she has. What takes something from explanation to justification?

Is someone supposed to go without treatment for their mental health due to past actions?

It’s her husband’s responsibility to seek therapy for his own mental health.

Show quote history

Ok so he is supposed to pitch in resolving problems created by op, pay for her therapy.

But when it comes to his stress, he needs to do it himself.

Marriage is a two way partnership. You can’t have double standards of - team approach for one when they are facing a problem, but ‘you can take responsibility for your own issues’ for the other.

Sadly when you make mistakes which have consequences/ impacts for years, there is usually resentment. That’s human nature. It’s up to Op how she wants to see this - an argument over £1 in store or a deeper issue requiring more sensitive approach rather than a simple apology with an attitude of get over it, it cannot be undone.

ThisChirpyFox · 31/08/2025 00:37

Didimum · 30/08/2025 23:13

It was the triggering argument, after a decade of the DH not communicating about it.

Show quote history

Is that a fact - or what you have gathered from what little the op has said? As you have constantly tagged onto posters comments about them being facts or not.

How do we know the husband has not often brought it up - we gave had much from the op. She could have thought it was in the past to make herself feel better.

Also the husband could have nit raised it as much over the years to keep the peace. Most people would have divorced her but he stated to be an excellent husband and father otherwise divorcing could have split up his family and meant he was separated from his children. Why should he suffer that when she was at fault.

People are allowed their opinions so please refrain from the 'but is it a fact' because you also might not have all the facts due to the information the op has given and most of it is about it has affected her, how bad a financial situation her friend was in but very little about how it affected her DH.

justasking111 · 31/08/2025 00:37

It's a pity that the OP didn't declare bankruptcy. I knew a couple where the wife was feckless and borrowed money, her husband refused to bail her out, she was declared bankrupt. After five years she was free and clear I think.

ThisChirpyFox · 31/08/2025 00:40

Manxexile · 30/08/2025 23:41

Haven't you (deliberately?) missed the point of @Gymrabbit 's post?

You asked for an example of where the OP had shown a lack of self-reflection or awareness.

Gymrabbit has pointed out that the actual title the OP chose to give to this thread - Argument over a £1 - shows a complete lack of reflection or awareness insofar as she must (according to her own choice of words) believe her husband called her a jumped up bitch over a £1.

If she had any self-refelction or awareness she would have called the thread I've lost my husband £500k (or whatever) and he's still upset with me.

Yes the £1 triggered the husband but the OP must be able to see that that isn't the issue here. If she doesn't she has no self-reflection

Show quote history

Didimum conveniently missed the point of many of the posters and continues to support the op.

MulberryMoon · 31/08/2025 00:42

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 20:27

I feel this will blur the issuse: my best friend unexpectedly asked to borrow money and I lent her a small amount. She said it was a cash flow problem and I had no reason to doubt her and she repaid me. She asked again several times for money, and I used my savings. She latter told me the extent of her financial difficulty but assured me it was temporary, so I borrowed from family and friends to help her out. When my friends asked me to repay their loans I couldn't and I borrowed from banks, which I then couldn't repay.

He tried to purchase another BTL but couldnt for a variety of factors: we had children & didn't have the money; lending criteria became more onerous and home prices appreciated. By the time we had enough money the BTL tax rules had meant it didn't make financial sense.

I didn't have any form of written agreement; they were declared bankrupt after their business had failed. She went NC and moved away. It's been years since I've seen her.

She was my best friend for a reason, and she helped me when I was in a very dark place. I was looking to repay my debt to her when I lent her the money.

Show quote history

She went NC 🙄 You could contact her and ask for the money back now.

SemperIdem · 31/08/2025 00:44

He’s a better person than I am, I’d have divorced you when all this initially came to light.

Mummy7777 · 31/08/2025 00:53

Pipsquiggle · 30/08/2025 22:40

Going forward I would also reframe how you talk about your 'friend' - she's a con artist/ thief.

This. I suspect you speak about her with such respect to your DH - that must be so so painful for him. Yet actually it was and has been your DH that saved you and cleared your debt. He's been a Saint.

Bunnycute23 · 31/08/2025 01:03

My son did GCSEs this year. Apparently, every SAHM gets grade 9s. My kid did super well

This whole thread reads like people needing to get a life

Bunnycute23 · 31/08/2025 01:04

Mummy7777 · 31/08/2025 00:53

This. I suspect you speak about her with such respect to your DH - that must be so so painful for him. Yet actually it was and has been your DH that saved you and cleared your debt. He's been a Saint.

Show quote history

Drone.

McSpoot · 31/08/2025 01:04

Bunnycute23 · 31/08/2025 01:03

My son did GCSEs this year. Apparently, every SAHM gets grade 9s. My kid did super well

This whole thread reads like people needing to get a life

Did you post this in the wrong thread?

Emmafuller79 · 31/08/2025 01:06

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 09:30

I borrowed money to help my friend, but she couldn't repay me and I couldn't repay the bank.

Show quote history

so You put a friend over your family? I can see why your husband is fed up.

Bunnycute23 · 31/08/2025 01:07

This reply has been deleted

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Emmafuller79 · 31/08/2025 01:09

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 09:33

He has mentioned these from time to time in the past but nothing more than a glancing comment. The viciousness of his comments shocked me; he has never said anything like this before.

Show quote history

Why are you acting the innocent party? You made him sell his house to help a friend. What sort off mentality is that? 🙄 Unless there’s a huge back story…

Emmafuller79 · 31/08/2025 01:12

Mumof2wifeof1crazytimes · 30/08/2025 10:10

Sounds like despite your DH concerns and opinions you went against him and lent the borrowed money and now the gift from his parents has now gone. I can see it from his point of view. If my DH did this to me I would have left him. This is not an argument about £1, as per the title of your post, and by claiming so you don’t appear to have grasped the severity of the situation.

Totally, she’s acting like the victim when the poor husband is in fact the victim…

Can’t believe she put a friend above her own family. I can see why husband resent’s her. I feel sorry for her children also

Emmafuller79 · 31/08/2025 01:15

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 10:37

My friends havent repaid me. They ended up losing everything, including their home.

Show quote history

So their as flakey as you. Your poor husband…

Bunnycute23 · 31/08/2025 01:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Emmafuller79 · 31/08/2025 01:17

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 30/08/2025 11:00

If I were OP I'd have been moving heaven and earth since this happened to make or get that money back somehow.

I agree. She doesn’t even work, his a saint for putting up with her

Emmafuller79 · 31/08/2025 01:19

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 30/08/2025 11:03

It’s interesting that OP hasn’t come back to address any of the comments about whether she works or the amounts of money involved.

Prove of how flakey she is. Her so called friend is also flakey

i wander if she’s raising her kids to be flakey also?🙄

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 31/08/2025 01:21

xanthic · 30/08/2025 19:24

I suspect the lack of details is a part of a coping strategy for her, and I get it.

However, she can't also erase the details from her husband's mind. She doesn't have to mentally bash herself over the head with the details of what she did wrong, just remember that she hurt her husband in a terrible way, and if he never truly lets go of that, it doesn't mean he's a bad person. She can ignore reality to a point, but she can't rewrite to make her the victim and him the baddie.

He stayed with her when many people would have left, and he's currently facing financial worries.

A bit of verbal backlash in response to a situation she caused is not unjustifiable.

Rather than complain that he called her a word she doesn't like when he's stressed about a situation of her causing, she needs to support her husband.

Other than get in a time machine (which she can't do), what action can she take in the present to help her husband feel less stressed? Saving money on the grocery shop isn't the answer. Is it her getting a different job? Or maybe it's her taking on more of the household duties so he can do unpaid time at his job and try to get in the good books of someone who is responsible for deciding who is about to get laid off?

I don't know what her husband needs - she needs to ask him! - but I do think she needs to put him first. She needs to acknowledge she is responsible for his current state of stress, she needs to thank him for standing by her all these years, and to ask him what he wants her to do to contribute to a solution as a team.

Show quote history

This is a wise, thoughtful response, one of the best replies on here. I'd say OP should read this and take heed.

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