Argument over a £1

[ForGentleBeaker]

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

Relate offer free couples counselling. There are also free resources online and in books for relationship counselling techniques.

What quotes from OP specifically lack self reflection?

I think the issue is that you don’t seem to get what you did or have made any attempt to get the money back. She was bankrupted - so what? Why weren’t you constantly at her door demanding the money back. Why weren’t you working every night to pay back the money?
you seem to have thrown up your hands and said ‘whoopsie’ and expect everyone to just be ok with it.
your friend is an evil piece of shit by the way - do you make it clear to your husband that you understand that that is the case?

Yet those difficult feelings can lead to varying degrees of dysfunction, no matter what you call it or what cause you give it. What is the purpose in withholding an established medical term when dysfunction is severe enough?

The fact that her title was ‘arguing over £1’ when it should be ‘I cost my family massive financial losses because I made dumb decisions against my husband’s wishes- is he wrong to still be mad at me?’ Suggests she has no self reflection whatsoever.

Did your friend go for a long walk when she went NC?

This.

One thing I would like to add, when people make big mistakes impacting others, and then go on giving explanation that they didn’t know their friend wouldn’t be able to pay or that the location of husband’s BTL house will become attractive, it sounds like their focus is to defend themselves and give excuses.

Of course, you don’t know if the property will go up or friend won’t be able to pay. But no human has a crystal ball, but in such matters you need to see what is at stake. By not listening to her dh and helping her friend taking loans from
people, bank op entered the risk knowingly.

And now if op gives continues to give this reasoning that she didn’t know… her dh is not going to lose the resentment.

Fact is op acted overconfident, brushed her dh’s concerns aside and got them in financial trouble. So she needs to stop acting like she is the one who knows better. All she can do now is to let her dh know she made a massive mistake and she feels responsible for it, not taken about she can’t change even if she wants to, etc.

You’ve been a good friend and it’s sad that your generosity has caused such awful consequences for yourself and husband. It’s why so many people don’t lend large amounts of money, even to people they love dearly.

To be honest, I think he’s done well to be so gracious about this that he’s not mentioned it before and has done his best to not raise it. It must be absolutely gutting for him. He didn’t want to lend the money and it’s caused him to lose the money from his parents / the property / his financial security. It should never been done without it being a unanimous agreement, not with a joint financial risk.

I’m not trying to be horrible here, OP - I’m just pointing out that he’s seemingly had years and years of scrimping instead of being comfortable or having the security of cushion from his property, and it’s solely due to a gamble you made that he never wanted you to make. Of course he shouldn’t call you a bitch, but I can understand the resentment at you losing tens - hundreds?- of thousands of pounds while he’s working and then you trying to save a single pound. It’s simply highlighting the magnitude of what he’s lost through no fault of his own. I don’t think there’s a way past that because it can’t be undone.

Does op have clinical depression or she had a temporary depressive phase many humans experience after a very stressful event?

@Scentedjasmine - "... As for your DH, I would be sitting him down and asking him what the reason for his outburst was and making it very very clear that you will not be called a bitch by anybody and certainly not by the person who co parents your children. I would be extremely firm over that and say that it was highly disrespectful, abusive, misogynistic and not language that you would wish any of your children to ever use or for it to be used against them. Unless he apologises and doesn't use it again, personally I would walk. I think that it's really important to have standards and draw a firm line in the sand over anything abusive like that."

Are you being serious?

The OP fucked up their financial security years ago. If I were husband she'd be getting called much much worse than " a stuck up bitch".

If you think that's being disrespectful or abusive to the OP you haven't a clue. If you've behaved like an utter twat you have no right to tell somebody not to call you one.

It was the triggering argument, after a decade of the DH not communicating about it.

She was a good friend at the expense of her husband. You can be great at one relationship while taking other for granted.
in OP’s case it would have helped if she chose to prioritise her husband than friend. He even put her name on a property he bought cerote he met her using his savings and gift money from his parents. He was the person with prioritising than user friend who now has disappeared.

So when he said no don’t lend her money, did you just go behind his back and do it anyway?

that would be unforgivable to me. I understand this happened 10 years ago but it seems like he still resents you and rightly so particularly as the prices have gone up.

so for the past 10 years you have been a sahm? He probably feels like you cost him a secure future with a poor decision he told you not to do, and since then have left the burden of earning on him. You should have gotten a job so you could rebuild a more secure future together.

So he didn’t want to lend her anything, but you went ahead and not only lent her money but got yourselves into debt to lend her money?! I’d have left you long before now.

What’s the clinical difference between ‘clinical depression’ and a ‘depressive phase’? Either way, the OP didn’t label it as either.

So she can massively exaggerate due to her trigger but dh is not allowed to be triggered when he is the one who never got to process his pain and stress.

Op roughly how much did the property go up by?

If my parents had left me money, and I'd had to use it to bail out my spouse who'd repeatedly lent her friend stupid amounts of money, and borrowed, loaned and lost money she'd scrounged from her family and friends, I'd be both heartbroken and furious, and the marriage would have ended there.

The thought of money that I gave or left to my daughter having to be used to bail out an incredibly naive, stupid and selfish son in law is horrifying. In life I'd never forgive him, and in death I'd haunt him.

i can't believe that you've posted here to complain about the husband who did that for you and who's kept his feelings under wraps for you, for a decade.

The OP never described herself as being triggered. She also never said he isn’t allowed to be triggered. She is, however, allowed to be surprised at a trigger surfacing after 10yrs of not communicating over it, and she is allowed to seek advice on the matter.

The DH is responsible for processing his own pain and stress concerning the issue, especially when he has not sought communication over it.

Kinda got a point there hasn’t he?

What are you on about with the “never got to process his pain and stress”? Who stopped him from processing it? He’s had well over a decade to get to grips with it.

I suspect that to find out she would have to ask her husband.

That might not be very wise...

But, again, why are you here? You’re so passive and disengaged.

I agree, the OP comes across as one of those people who gets taken in by those romance scammers you see on daytime tv shows, keeps sending her Nigerian Prince money despite all the evidence that he doesn’t actually exist, it sounds to me that your so called friend saw a vulnerability in you and took full advantage.

My grandma always says - if you want to lose a friend lend them money. I lost one too because of that. Got some back but not all - I keep hearing things are tough, it’s not like they’re holidaying in the Maldives but I did see her husband posting photos from holidays in alps. You’d think paying debt would be a priority. It’s really disappointing and I stoped trying to get the money back. Luckily I could afford to lose it.

HAVE YOU REPAID THE MONEY @ForGentleBeaker ? You’ve been asked repeatedly…

So not such a best friend then @ForGentleBeaker, if she could put you into such a precarious financial position and then ghost you. Shocking!! What the fuck were you thinking?