Page 28 | Argument over a £1

ForGentleBeaker · 2025-08-30T07:57:42+00:00

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them. At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married. Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom. My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt. Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend. In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine. He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words. I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

Booboobagins · 30/08/2025 20:31

The thing is, you didn't seem to discuss his choice of toothpaste with the replacement one. That is disrespectful @ForGentleBeaker and that may have been the straw that broke the donkeys back if that is how you normally behave ergo you think you're right and he doesnt get a say.

You're the one who needs to take a long hard look at how you behave because imo you have a lot of ground to make up.

Be grateful he loved you enough to stay with you.

It's on you to make it work cos he has had enough of you being me me me.

Starlight7080 · 30/08/2025 20:33

Im with your dh . Granted he shouldn't be mean . But you obviously both need couples counselling to try to get over it.
Borrowing from friends and family and using your family savings was very selfish of you and stupid. And he had to pay the price. I would consider it to be financial abuse. As you said he didnt want to lend her the money. Yet you did even when you couldn't afford too. And he had to help pay it back.

IOSTT · 30/08/2025 20:33

@ForGentleBeaker Have you apologised in the past to your DH? Have you made a plan and told him how you’re going to repay him as much of the money as you can?

Dinkydash · 30/08/2025 20:34

What a difficult situation OP. Everyone makes mistakes. Forgiveness though can be difficult. The rub of it is you can't spend the rest of your life being punished for a mistake. It's bad for both of you. It sounds to me like he was triggered by the product swap. The reaction further suggests that he's cut deep by what happened. Only you and he know the reality of your own dynamic. I'd be inclined to separation because it sounds to me like seeing you only reminds him of betrayal and he will keep lashing out. But with space you can both process your issues and weigh up the love versus the hurt and decide which one has more impact. Good luck.

Dinkydash · 30/08/2025 20:36

Not financial abuse. Wilful negligence yes.

Typicalwave · 30/08/2025 20:40

londongirl12 · 30/08/2025 20:11

Read it again. It’s about swapping a branded product for a basic product ( probably £1 different!)

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It couldn’t be further from swapping out an item for a cheaper item

MummyJ36 · 30/08/2025 20:44

Fucking hell OP she sounds horrendous. I can’t believe supposed best friend did this to you. Marriage issues aside, is there any way you could explore legal proceedings to try and get some of this money back?? I know you didn’t have a written agreement which may ultimately thwart that…but worth a try.

ThrowAwayHooray · 30/08/2025 20:44

I borrowed from family and friends to help her out. When my friends asked me to repay their loans I couldn't and I borrowed from banks, which I then couldn't repay.

Did you lie to your family and friends about what the money was for OP? Just seems odd to me that they’d lend you money to give to someone else.

Isthathowlongitsbeen · 30/08/2025 20:50

@ForGentleBeaker what are you hoping to get from posting on here? You ask no questions, offer no answers and engage in zero reflection.

ParmaVioletTea · 30/08/2025 20:50

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 10:02

He didn't want to lend them anything. His logic was that people who get into money troubles are never able to resolve them.

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He was correct, wasn’t he? Your actions were very stupid. You should never lend a friend/family money you can’t afford to just give them.

His abuse now is unacceptable but your action was worse, frankly.

Anyahyacinth · 30/08/2025 20:51

Just one of those things, in the past and done. Pointless to harp on about. Simply means you were kind. Why be nasty about it when things can’t be changed. It’s hardly learning and planning for a better future like spending a bit less as you were trying to do. He needs to find better less unkind ways to communicate…the past is over …he is ruining the present

whitewineandsun · 30/08/2025 20:53

ThrowAwayHooray · 30/08/2025 20:44

I borrowed from family and friends to help her out. When my friends asked me to repay their loans I couldn't and I borrowed from banks, which I then couldn't repay.

Did you lie to your family and friends about what the money was for OP? Just seems odd to me that they’d lend you money to give to someone else.

I wonder about this. Such a mess. Why would you do this?

It's just baffling, the whole thing. You evidently need to be more discerning about who you call friends.

Didimum · 30/08/2025 20:55

xanthic · 30/08/2025 19:55

We don't know if he's tried before - the OP said he had mentioned things in passing before. All we know is that it's definitely something they need to talk about now!

And it's something where she has to be a part of a solution rather than leaving it to her husband to sort out (again).

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Absolutely. It just sort of reads like he has buried his head in the sand over speaking his true feelings over it with half digs.

ChristmasMiracleBaby · 30/08/2025 20:56

I can't blame your dh to be honest OP after reading your latest post. You sound very naive to have been borrowing so much money and putting your friend above your own family.
I don't think much can be done to salvage this unfortunately.. It's not really about the £1 is it.

Manxexile · 30/08/2025 20:57

@ForGentleBeaker - "I feel this will blur the issuse: my best friend unexpectedly asked to borrow money and I lent her a small amount. She said it was a cash flow problem and I had no reason to doubt her and she repaid me. She asked again several times for money, and I used my savings. She latter told me the extent of her financial difficulty but assured me it was temporary, so I borrowed from family and friends to help her out. When my friends asked me to repay their loans I couldn't and I borrowed from banks, which I then couldn't repay..."

Oh God.

I don't really want to say this, but you borrowed money from family and other friends, but you couldn't pay them back because your "best" friend didn't pay you back, yet despite this massive "NO - DON'T DO THIS" you went ahead and got a bank loan.

Other posters have suggested you don't respond to this thread any more and that might be a good idea. I'm not sure you are going to get much sympathy.

I think you've already had the best advice you're going to get: you and your husband need to sit down and talk openly and frankly about this - perhaps for the firts time - and his job and your family's financial position.

Get some joint marriage counselling too

Good luck

Edit: but I don't think what your husband said to you was at all unacceptable in the circumstances. It was perfectly understandable

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/08/2025 20:59

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 20:27

I feel this will blur the issuse: my best friend unexpectedly asked to borrow money and I lent her a small amount. She said it was a cash flow problem and I had no reason to doubt her and she repaid me. She asked again several times for money, and I used my savings. She latter told me the extent of her financial difficulty but assured me it was temporary, so I borrowed from family and friends to help her out. When my friends asked me to repay their loans I couldn't and I borrowed from banks, which I then couldn't repay.

He tried to purchase another BTL but couldnt for a variety of factors: we had children & didn't have the money; lending criteria became more onerous and home prices appreciated. By the time we had enough money the BTL tax rules had meant it didn't make financial sense.

I didn't have any form of written agreement; they were declared bankrupt after their business had failed. She went NC and moved away. It's been years since I've seen her.

She was my best friend for a reason, and she helped me when I was in a very dark place. I was looking to repay my debt to her when I lent her the money.

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😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱

Bloody hell, OP.

The only way that makes even the smallest amount of sense is if you murdered someone and she helped you cover it up.

Are you absolutely certain that the bankruptcy wasn't a cock and bull story? Because the vibe I'm getting is that she is a con artist who persuaded you to give her a huge some of money and then did a runner. How do you know she didn't go no contact so you'd never find out that she was off living the life of riley on the back of the money that you gave her and looking for her next gullible victim?

You sound incredibly naive and vulnerable and if I were your husband I'd worry that I might come home one day and find that you'd emptied the joint savings account of whatever is left in it and wired it to a Nigerian prince who's in a bit of a pickle and needs you to help him out.

SpryUmberZebra · 30/08/2025 21:00

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 20:27

I feel this will blur the issuse: my best friend unexpectedly asked to borrow money and I lent her a small amount. She said it was a cash flow problem and I had no reason to doubt her and she repaid me. She asked again several times for money, and I used my savings. She latter told me the extent of her financial difficulty but assured me it was temporary, so I borrowed from family and friends to help her out. When my friends asked me to repay their loans I couldn't and I borrowed from banks, which I then couldn't repay.

He tried to purchase another BTL but couldnt for a variety of factors: we had children & didn't have the money; lending criteria became more onerous and home prices appreciated. By the time we had enough money the BTL tax rules had meant it didn't make financial sense.

I didn't have any form of written agreement; they were declared bankrupt after their business had failed. She went NC and moved away. It's been years since I've seen her.

She was my best friend for a reason, and she helped me when I was in a very dark place. I was looking to repay my debt to her when I lent her the money.

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The story is actually worse than I initially thought, this was incredibly irresponsible.

Pipsquiggle · 30/08/2025 21:00

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 20:27

I feel this will blur the issuse: my best friend unexpectedly asked to borrow money and I lent her a small amount. She said it was a cash flow problem and I had no reason to doubt her and she repaid me. She asked again several times for money, and I used my savings. She latter told me the extent of her financial difficulty but assured me it was temporary, so I borrowed from family and friends to help her out. When my friends asked me to repay their loans I couldn't and I borrowed from banks, which I then couldn't repay.

He tried to purchase another BTL but couldnt for a variety of factors: we had children & didn't have the money; lending criteria became more onerous and home prices appreciated. By the time we had enough money the BTL tax rules had meant it didn't make financial sense.

I didn't have any form of written agreement; they were declared bankrupt after their business had failed. She went NC and moved away. It's been years since I've seen her.

She was my best friend for a reason, and she helped me when I was in a very dark place. I was looking to repay my debt to her when I lent her the money.

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@ForGentleBeaker
Again, I repeat, you have been incredibly stupid.
You do not lend any money to anyone that you can't afford to lose - it doesn't matter the amount - £5 or £500 or £5000 or £50,000. I am sorry you had to lose a house to learn this basic financial lesson.

The fact you got others involved as well is also deeply troubling

Sounds like your DH disagreed with what you did but you went ahead regardless. I can understand the resentment.

I think couples counselling could be beneficial.

Typicalwave · 30/08/2025 21:02

Anyahyacinth · 30/08/2025 20:51

Just one of those things, in the past and done. Pointless to harp on about. Simply means you were kind. Why be nasty about it when things can’t be changed. It’s hardly learning and planning for a better future like spending a bit less as you were trying to do. He needs to find better less unkind ways to communicate…the past is over …he is ruining the present

It wasn’t kind.

Her husband asked her to not do it.

She ignored him and put her family in financial difficulty as a result and obliterated yheir best egg.

She gambled their security on a friend.

She may as well popped down the bookies

Cardinalita90 · 30/08/2025 21:14

It sounds from your posts like you take zero accountability for the impact your decisions had on your husband. Its very much "it is what it is" - and I get that a lot of time has passed but clearly the wound is very raw for him.

If you're going to get past this you need couples therapy and to honestly and sincerely apologise and take accountability for prioritising your friend over him and your shared financial future. It may not be enough as he sounds like he's being eaten away with resentment but probably your only shot.

CandidRobin · 30/08/2025 21:18

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 20:27

I feel this will blur the issuse: my best friend unexpectedly asked to borrow money and I lent her a small amount. She said it was a cash flow problem and I had no reason to doubt her and she repaid me. She asked again several times for money, and I used my savings. She latter told me the extent of her financial difficulty but assured me it was temporary, so I borrowed from family and friends to help her out. When my friends asked me to repay their loans I couldn't and I borrowed from banks, which I then couldn't repay.

He tried to purchase another BTL but couldnt for a variety of factors: we had children & didn't have the money; lending criteria became more onerous and home prices appreciated. By the time we had enough money the BTL tax rules had meant it didn't make financial sense.

I didn't have any form of written agreement; they were declared bankrupt after their business had failed. She went NC and moved away. It's been years since I've seen her.

She was my best friend for a reason, and she helped me when I was in a very dark place. I was looking to repay my debt to her when I lent her the money.

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You could have just said that you didn't have anymore money to lend them because you'd used your savings previously. They would have known you'd bailed them out many many times before.

As PP said, unless she'd helped you cover up a murder, it seems very strange that you considered your debt to her greater than your responsibility to your family. You seem to have disregarded the impact on your husband who effectively funded you and also your children's future.

Kindornothing · 30/08/2025 21:20

So basically you married a man who is an absolute gem.

He didn’t want to lend them money and you did it anyway. I get this friend supported you emotionally but you can’t buy friendship.

He clearly didn’t show his fury at the time because you were pregnant, young babies etc - and he didn’t want to at a sensitive time. He sounds thoughtful and family first.

Then he took the financial hit for your mistake. On his family’s money.

Now he is struggling because he’s probably a highly paid individual- and companies are getting rid of those individuals… and he can’t rely on you financially as a SAHM. Being a SAHM is a super hard job but in the current financial environment it’s also a privilege.

I would start by acknowledging his sensitivity and consideration by his not bringing it up when you were pregnant, had a newborn etc. And acknowledge how considerate he has been for not raising it for so long. You are very self aware of the decision and seem to have a good grasp of what the impact was and you show you are owning the mistake.

Tell him it’s ok for him to feel annoyed and acknowledge his right to feel this way.

Secondly you need to acknowledge and address the financial impact that this has had on your future. And see what you can do to make this right. If work is looking a bit unstable from him - can you go back to work in any way? Or find other ways to boost your household finances without having to rely on him?

CrimsonStoat · 30/08/2025 21:20

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 20:27

I feel this will blur the issuse: my best friend unexpectedly asked to borrow money and I lent her a small amount. She said it was a cash flow problem and I had no reason to doubt her and she repaid me. She asked again several times for money, and I used my savings. She latter told me the extent of her financial difficulty but assured me it was temporary, so I borrowed from family and friends to help her out. When my friends asked me to repay their loans I couldn't and I borrowed from banks, which I then couldn't repay.

He tried to purchase another BTL but couldnt for a variety of factors: we had children & didn't have the money; lending criteria became more onerous and home prices appreciated. By the time we had enough money the BTL tax rules had meant it didn't make financial sense.

I didn't have any form of written agreement; they were declared bankrupt after their business had failed. She went NC and moved away. It's been years since I've seen her.

She was my best friend for a reason, and she helped me when I was in a very dark place. I was looking to repay my debt to her when I lent her the money.

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Lending your own money is one thing, lending other people's is something else entirely.

Did your family know why you wanted the money?

Manxexile · 30/08/2025 21:22

Anyahyacinth · 30/08/2025 20:51

Just one of those things, in the past and done. Pointless to harp on about. Simply means you were kind. Why be nasty about it when things can’t be changed. It’s hardly learning and planning for a better future like spending a bit less as you were trying to do. He needs to find better less unkind ways to communicate…the past is over …he is ruining the present

She wasn't being kind.

She was being unbelievably stupid or selfish or gullible.

I suppose it's easy to say it's pointless and nasty to harp on about it, but I don't suppose somebody else has ever caused you to lose possibly 100s of £1000s if not more.

It isn't him who is ruining the present. that happened years ago

Mummypie21 · 30/08/2025 21:22

You should have stopped lending to your 'friend' after you used your savings. You having to borrow showed that you didn't have the money. I'm not surprised she went NC after the trouble she put you in.