Argument over a £1

[ForGentleBeaker]

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

I’d struggle to forgive dh for doing what you’ve done. I’d expect him to make a massive effort - get a job/2 jobs to repay the family finances. Doesn’t sound like you did that. I’m amazed he’s still with you but as he is I think couple’s counselling is essential.

my best friend unexpectedly asked to borrow money and I lent her a small amount. She said it was a cash flow problem and I had no reason to doubt her and she repaid me. She asked again several times for money, and I used my savings. She latter told me the extent of her financial difficulty but assured me it was temporary, so I borrowed from family and friends to help her out. When my friends asked me to repay their loans I couldn't and I borrowed from banks, which I then couldn't repay.

This is an astonishing series of events. I can’t believe you allowed this to happen like this.

She was my best friend for a reason, and she helped me when I was in a very dark place. I was looking to repay my debt to her when I lent her the money.

This makes it sound like you still think it was right to lend the money, and that you still think that you owed her more than you did your family - do you?

So you didn’t learn your lesson and continued to try and play hero to these money grabbing friends? You’ve put your own need to fix your friends issues above your family and ultimately him. It sounds like along the way you’ve taken steps to deal with your issues with therapy etc but perhaps your dh has just reached the end of his patience with playing second best with your priorities. Stop lending money you don’t have. Kindly, it is madness.

I feel this will blur the issuse: my best friend unexpectedly asked to borrow money and I lent her a small amount. She said it was a cash flow problem and I had no reason to doubt her and she repaid me. She asked again several times for money, and I used my savings. She latter told me the extent of her financial difficulty but assured me it was temporary, so I borrowed from family and friends to help her out. When my friends asked me to repay their loans I couldn't and I borrowed from banks, which I then couldn't repay.

This gets worse @ForGentleBeaker - you burned through your savings, which your 'friend' failed to pay back and you still believed her and went and took more money off your family and friends for her which again she burned through with no indication of paying back. Why, oh why when you had burned through your savings didn't you call a halt? What an absolute mess you created.

He tried to purchase another BTL but couldnt for a variety of factors: we had children & didn't have the money; lending criteria became more onerous and home prices appreciated. By the time we had enough money the BTL tax rules had meant it didn't make financial sense.

Due to your actions.

I didn't have any form of written agreement; they were declared bankrupt after their business had failed. She went NC and moved away. It's been years since I've seen her.

You are clearly talking about an overall large sum of money, not to have some form of written agreement was extremely foolish.

She was my best friend for a reason, and she helped me when I was in a very dark place. I was looking to repay my debt to her when I lent her the money.

That's not how friendship should be it is not a balance sheet.

This is one of the most selfish things I've read on here.

And the OP's laissez-faire 'it is what it is' attitude is unbelievable.

I'd be moving heaven and earth to make this up to my family.

Well, the past is indeed what it is – you can’t change it, you can only move forward.

You do not know what OP has done to make amends with her friends and family.

What quotes from OP strike you as laissez-faire?

I’d hazard a guess that her DH wouldn’t want to take on the childcare and household duties to enable OP to work two jobs.

I mean she literally said she's had therapy but there's nothing she can do, so safe to say it doesn't sound like she's tried a lot

And it may have happened in the past but it is clearly affecting her family's present and future, so it isn't simply done and dusted. Couples counseling is needed at the very least

I completely understand his resentment. Not sure I could stay in a marriage with someone who's behaved as you did.

That said, it's done, and he did choose to stay. The resentment needs to be dealt with in a more healthy way than it currently is being, and only your DH can take responsibility for that. Even though it's your fault. Calling you a jumped up bitch is not going to achieve anything.

Doesn’t sound like he had the option as op just wallowed in self pity while her dh covered for her bad decision making.

The argument wasn't over £1 though was it? It was about thousands lost. It's clear he hasn't processed it and left it in the past as you have. It will continue to rare It's ugly head if he holds on to the resentment. If he can't let it go not sure the relationship can/will survive.

I’m sorry OP for the position that you’re now in but ultimately these are your actions. I understand the need to want to help your friend but you should never have risked your own families security for it. You could have helped in other ways ie signpost her to debt advice etc. Not take on her debt yourself. If you were comfortable and had the spare money to do so then fair enough. But why on earth would you take out a personal loan?! And borrow more money from others to give to someone who is already clearly showing that they are not financially managing right now. That’s not friendship. I would never expect my friends to do any such thing if I were in that position.
Furthermore your DP didn’t want you to do it. You two should be a partnership and make those decisions together. I would also be extremely angry in his position tbh. Not saying his actions are ok but he is clearly not over it. If you can’t get past it, I’d be inclined to think this has ruined your relationship tbh. I would find it extremely difficult to get past my DP going against my wishes and putting us and our children into financial difficulty for a ‘friend’. You have put their needs above your families.
I hope you have moved past it and can forgive yourself. But you can’t expect your DP do the same- only he knows if he can.

Were you blackmailed into lending the money?
Did she have something over you that made it difficult for you not to lend it?
I can't believe anyone of a rational mind would go to such lengths to acquire money to lend to a "friend".

I am absolutely with your dh on this, I would struggle to forgive you for putting the whole family on a risky financial footing for years, maybe for ever 🤷🏻‍♀️

If I was him and my wife had done that to me, I'd be calling her a bitch as well!
The sexes the other way round, people would be clamouring for her to LTB.

I think the ‘nothing she can do’ refers to not being able to go back and change what she’s done.

She also says her DH has refused to talk about it and has never raised an angry word about it until now. She cannot fix what she does not know is happening in his mind.

She does know what is happening now and has posted on a help forum, but instead of offering any practical help, she just has around 700 posts calling her lazy, deceitful, stupid, uncaring, idiotic – among many other choice words.

Presumably he did have the option. OP was a SAHM for three children; she can’t have done that without his support. IMO the reason some men like this is that they don’t want to do the pick ups/drop offs, sick days, general child rearing, cleaning, laundry, cooking & mental load themselves.

Do you have a tendency to call mental illness ‘wallowing in self-pity‘ or is that especially saved for the OP?

That she decided to describe her husband's anger in the supermarket as an "argument over £1", in the title of this thread, is almost beyond belief considering the enormity of what she has done.
It's not surprising that he saw red when she removed the premium product and replaced it with a store brand. That takes "too little - too late" to a whole other level! Unbelievable.

I have read your update. You got scammed by your “friend” and lost you and DH a lot of money. I don’t think he will get over it OP. No point dragging it out in my opinion, you’ve lost his trust. He will stay but never look at you the same. You’ll both be happier out of this relationship now.

@OnTheRoof - "... Calling you a jumped up bitch is not going to achieve anything."

Given the OP's track record I'd hazard a guess it made him feel better after the OP had pointlessly and unilaterally swapped something he wanted to buy for something £1 cheaper.

You are justifying helping her over and over - using up your savings, then borrowing from others, and finally taking a loan from a bank because she asked you to pay her loan.
All this is justified as paying a debt you owed her for helping you in past. Did you not think at any point, that you helped more than you could and now should stop? You are still downplaying impact of this on your husband and family.

Also, who paid for therapy? Did your husband also have therapy for going through this shocking experience and how to live past the broken trust by his own wife and resulting resentment?

Maybe. But even in the best case scenario, any pleasure hasn't led him to be willing to have a conversation, which is clearly a necessity if they're actually to stay in the marriage and he's to cope with his (justified) resentment. Or even if they're not, actually.

since he didn'T kick her out on her ear after she completely ballsed up their investment (that wasn'T even hers, he was decent enough to put her name on the deeds after they married)

i would say he is the absolute diamond here. OP didn't confirm that she now has even one job, let alone two, so i am going to assume she is still sponging off her DH unless she comes back and tells us.

This is irrelevant. Making a saving by swapping to a cheaper item is a completely normal thing to do and signals nothing other than OP wanting to make a saving – it’s not pointless, and it’s happened many years after her bad financial choices. Yes, clearly a trigger for her DH, but how is she supposed to know it’s a trigger seeing as he has not communicated with her at all other than to seemingly randomly explode?

You cant know what you don’t know.