Page 27 | Argument over a £1

ForGentleBeaker · 2025-08-30T07:57:42+00:00

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them. At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married. Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom. My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt. Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend. In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine. He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words. I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 30/08/2025 18:34

Poodlelove · 30/08/2025 18:04

I wouldn't have done it but the OP thought it was the right thing to do , some people treat best friends as their family , especially if they don't have parents / siblings.Maybe the OP had a friendship like that.

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But she didn't have the money to lend!

Robin67 · 30/08/2025 18:41

OP I have had an extremely uncharacteristic change of heart. I have re-read your updates. Originally I was shocked at how little detail, including details of remorse, that you included. I took it for a dismissive attitude. I now wonder if you have been "grey rocking" us all. If that is the case and things are tough enough for you to do this, then I am sorry for the harsh light in which I judged you. Either way I wish you and your family well and hope that individually or together you all find a way to move on. I can't ever imagine doing this. But goodness knows I am far from perfect and I am sorry for the brutal take downs that I sent your way.

Robin67 · 30/08/2025 18:41

OP I have had an extremely uncharacteristic change of heart. I have re-read your updates. Originally I was shocked at how little detail, including details of remorse, that you included. I took it for a dismissive attitude. I now wonder if you have been "grey rocking" us all. If that is the case and things are tough enough for you to do this, then I am sorry for the harsh light in which I judged you. Either way I wish you and your family well and hope that individually or together you all find a way to move on. I can't ever imagine doing this. But goodness knows I am far from perfect and I am sorry for the brutal take downs that I sent your way.

housethatbuiltme · 30/08/2025 18:46

DreamTheMoors · 30/08/2025 18:22

This reminds me very much of my husband and my cousin, who came to stay with us one summer.
My cousin and I had had grown up together, were 9mos apart in age, were extremely close, and she treated our home as if it were her home, as we’d always done.
The problem was - she was messy. She left dishes out, clothes out, the milk and other food out - you get the picture.
I knew this. I was used to this. I’d grown up with this.
She was also sweet and warm and kind.
She also would’ve killed anyone who harmed me.
My husband did not know her and took an immediate disliking to her. He didn’t give her a chance nor did he even listen to her. But he never turned down her free meals or the gifts she bestowed upon us, either - which were often and many.
He bitched about her constantly to me. He bitched about my entire family to me, but was smarmy and nice to their faces - you know the type.
My explanation that that was just who she was fell on deaf ears - her generosity with both gifts and meals also made no difference to Mr. Unhappy - at least behind her back.
My husband made both my cousin’s visit and my time with her miserable.
What my husband failed to realise was that if he asked me to choose between him and my cousin, it would’ve taken me 1 second to choose my cousin.
Now my husband is my ex-husband and we lost my cousin to breast cancer.
So it’s shitty all round, except I don’t have to listen to that arsehole complain ever again.
Life is short, @ForGentleBeaker - the years go by unbelievably fast.
Don’t spend your life listening to somebody whine and moan and complain and accuse about something you can’t control or change.
Sending love from California ❤️

What completely unrelated and weird thing to post.

SaratogaFilly · 30/08/2025 18:46

Homegrownberries · 30/08/2025 15:14

If this happened years ago and his level of anger is new, then something about your current financial situation has changed. You said that he's been worried about money lately. I suspect that your financial situation is worse than you realise. You need to investigate.

I thought the same.

thepariscrimefiles · 30/08/2025 18:46

DreamTheMoors · 30/08/2025 18:22

This reminds me very much of my husband and my cousin, who came to stay with us one summer.
My cousin and I had had grown up together, were 9mos apart in age, were extremely close, and she treated our home as if it were her home, as we’d always done.
The problem was - she was messy. She left dishes out, clothes out, the milk and other food out - you get the picture.
I knew this. I was used to this. I’d grown up with this.
She was also sweet and warm and kind.
She also would’ve killed anyone who harmed me.
My husband did not know her and took an immediate disliking to her. He didn’t give her a chance nor did he even listen to her. But he never turned down her free meals or the gifts she bestowed upon us, either - which were often and many.
He bitched about her constantly to me. He bitched about my entire family to me, but was smarmy and nice to their faces - you know the type.
My explanation that that was just who she was fell on deaf ears - her generosity with both gifts and meals also made no difference to Mr. Unhappy - at least behind her back.
My husband made both my cousin’s visit and my time with her miserable.
What my husband failed to realise was that if he asked me to choose between him and my cousin, it would’ve taken me 1 second to choose my cousin.
Now my husband is my ex-husband and we lost my cousin to breast cancer.
So it’s shitty all round, except I don’t have to listen to that arsehole complain ever again.
Life is short, @ForGentleBeaker - the years go by unbelievably fast.
Don’t spend your life listening to somebody whine and moan and complain and accuse about something you can’t control or change.
Sending love from California ❤️

How is OP's situation like yours? I presume that you are OP, your cousin is OP's friend and your DH is OP's DH? In your scenario, your cousin, although messy and careless with your possessions, was a kind and generous person and your DH accepted meals and gifts from her while being horrible.

There is no evidence that OP's friends, who took the money that OP borrowed, were kind and generous people who were lovely to her DH.

Your DH sounds like an arsehole full stop. OP's DH has bottled up his feelings for years and has let rip about his resentment of their dire financial situation caused by OP's actions in response to her pettily swapping a high-end product for a cheap store brand version to save £1. It was obviously the straw that broke the camel's back and it all came spilling out. I don't agree with his language and 'jumped up bitch' is a horrible thing for him to say, but he has been pushed too far and he snapped.

Mumofteenandtween · 30/08/2025 18:47

CatDad13 · 30/08/2025 18:26

If anyone is in financial difficulties speak to your lender or a debt charity as soon as possible.

I'm confused about the BTL. You sold it to repay the loan. Why didn't you buy another at the time? BTL lending criteria back then was very loose. Did you not qualify for a mortgage anymore?

I still can't get my head round how you lost your life savings for the sake of £1000. I honestly couldn't live with that.

I think that the situation was as follows (with made up numbers):-

BTL value:- £100k
Mortgage size:- £80k

Amount Op lent:- £20k

Value of BTL now:- £800k

So had they not sold the BTL then they would now be sitting on c£750k equity in the BtL (as the mortgage would also be reduced.)

I don’t think that the Op’s Dh has been sitting on massive resentment all these years. It has been there but he chose to deal with it / ignore it and move on. From the sounds of it they were a pretty happy family.

The problem is that what the Op’s husband has to forgive her for has effectively changed over the years.

Originally she lost them £20k and he had to sell his property. It was bad but they were ok financially without the flat and there was a baby coming and he didn’t want to only see it occasionally so he chose to forgive her.

5 years later the flat is worth £800k and the loss is now really painful. But they are ok financially as the husband has a good job and they now have 3 kids and are happy so he mutters slightly to himself and moves on.

Another year later and suddenly his job is at risk and the family are at the brink of financial disaster. He is stressed as hell and having sleepless nights. He can’t talk to his wife about it in case her mental health takes another nose dive so he has to cope alone. He can’t stop thinking about the £800k flat and how all his problems would be solved if he still owned it.

Manxexile · 30/08/2025 18:51

CatDad13 · 30/08/2025 18:26

If anyone is in financial difficulties speak to your lender or a debt charity as soon as possible.

I'm confused about the BTL. You sold it to repay the loan. Why didn't you buy another at the time? BTL lending criteria back then was very loose. Did you not qualify for a mortgage anymore?

I still can't get my head round how you lost your life savings for the sake of £1000. I honestly couldn't live with that.

Where did you get the figure of a £1000 from?

AIUI the loan was so large that they had no option but to sell the BTL property or have a forced sale. The property had been bought from money gifted by his parents.

Afte they sold it they couldn't afford to buy another.

We're talking tens of thousands, or hundreds of thousands, if not more - not £1000

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/08/2025 18:56

If your husband is now facing anxiety regarding his job and finances, I can understand why he feels such resentment.

Nothing will be able to fix what happened, but hopefully couples counselling will help you both accept and move on from it.

You were incredibly foolish, and if my DH had done this against my wishes I'd feel the same as your DH. Your DH was right, and you should never have gotten involved in your friend's financial woes. Borrowing to lend to them is one of the most foolish things I've read here on MN. But you already know this now, and hopefully counselling will help you deal with the guilt.

I hope you're doing everything you possibly can to earn income to help the family finances.

Makehaysunshine · 30/08/2025 18:58

How much did you lend your friend? No wonder he's angry.

xanthic · 30/08/2025 19:24

Robin67 · 30/08/2025 18:41

OP I have had an extremely uncharacteristic change of heart. I have re-read your updates. Originally I was shocked at how little detail, including details of remorse, that you included. I took it for a dismissive attitude. I now wonder if you have been "grey rocking" us all. If that is the case and things are tough enough for you to do this, then I am sorry for the harsh light in which I judged you. Either way I wish you and your family well and hope that individually or together you all find a way to move on. I can't ever imagine doing this. But goodness knows I am far from perfect and I am sorry for the brutal take downs that I sent your way.

I suspect the lack of details is a part of a coping strategy for her, and I get it.

However, she can't also erase the details from her husband's mind. She doesn't have to mentally bash herself over the head with the details of what she did wrong, just remember that she hurt her husband in a terrible way, and if he never truly lets go of that, it doesn't mean he's a bad person. She can ignore reality to a point, but she can't rewrite to make her the victim and him the baddie.

He stayed with her when many people would have left, and he's currently facing financial worries.

A bit of verbal backlash in response to a situation she caused is not unjustifiable.

Rather than complain that he called her a word she doesn't like when he's stressed about a situation of her causing, she needs to support her husband.

Other than get in a time machine (which she can't do), what action can she take in the present to help her husband feel less stressed? Saving money on the grocery shop isn't the answer. Is it her getting a different job? Or maybe it's her taking on more of the household duties so he can do unpaid time at his job and try to get in the good books of someone who is responsible for deciding who is about to get laid off?

I don't know what her husband needs - she needs to ask him! - but I do think she needs to put him first. She needs to acknowledge she is responsible for his current state of stress, she needs to thank him for standing by her all these years, and to ask him what he wants her to do to contribute to a solution as a team.

MummyJ36 · 30/08/2025 19:33

It sounds like this has caused a huge crack in your relationship that has been festering away for many years. OP I think what you did was clearly with the best of intentions but it has had immense repercussions, ones which may never be put right. Resentment is a very difficult emotion to manage, particularly in a marriage and with circumstances as complex as this. Would your husband be open to couples therapy where you could air their all out together with a professional? Otherwise I worry it will confuse to drive a wedge between you.

Didimum · 30/08/2025 19:36

xanthic · 30/08/2025 19:24

I suspect the lack of details is a part of a coping strategy for her, and I get it.

However, she can't also erase the details from her husband's mind. She doesn't have to mentally bash herself over the head with the details of what she did wrong, just remember that she hurt her husband in a terrible way, and if he never truly lets go of that, it doesn't mean he's a bad person. She can ignore reality to a point, but she can't rewrite to make her the victim and him the baddie.

He stayed with her when many people would have left, and he's currently facing financial worries.

A bit of verbal backlash in response to a situation she caused is not unjustifiable.

Rather than complain that he called her a word she doesn't like when he's stressed about a situation of her causing, she needs to support her husband.

Other than get in a time machine (which she can't do), what action can she take in the present to help her husband feel less stressed? Saving money on the grocery shop isn't the answer. Is it her getting a different job? Or maybe it's her taking on more of the household duties so he can do unpaid time at his job and try to get in the good books of someone who is responsible for deciding who is about to get laid off?

I don't know what her husband needs - she needs to ask him! - but I do think she needs to put him first. She needs to acknowledge she is responsible for his current state of stress, she needs to thank him for standing by her all these years, and to ask him what he wants her to do to contribute to a solution as a team.

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This is all true. Absolutely. But she can’t atone or repair something she doesn’t know is an issue. Her DH also has a responsibility to communicate effectively in the marriage.

Pipsquiggle · 30/08/2025 19:38

It's really difficult OP.

You were incredibly stupid lending friends money that jeopardised your financial security. You should never lend money to anyone that you can't afford to lose. Full stop. No exceptions. This is a sliding doors moment in your lives.

You are now in financial hardship again and your DH is understandably stressed. I hope you are helping to support your DH as much as you can.

How much did you lend your friends?

LucyMonth · 30/08/2025 19:53

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 30/08/2025 10:10

I’m going to echo what someone else has mentioned - it could be the start of The Script.

Has his demeanour changed at all lately? Longer work hours, new gym, mentionitis about someone at work?

Of course he has every right to be pissed off about having to sell the house to pay off your debt, but presumably at the time he consented to that? To bring it up with such vitriol years later seems odd.

Without knowing the amount of money and the details of how it came to be that selling the house was the solution, it’s difficult to know. But my instinct is that this isn’t about the house or the debt, its him rewriting history to justify some misbehaviour.

Edited

Except it isn’t rewriting history…it’s actually what happened. He had to sell
his London flat into order to pay off her bank loan that she took out against his wishes for a friend. She then became a SAHM and now won’t allow him to by brand name groceries.

Maybe there is someone else but it isn’t “the script” to evaluate whether your marriage is worth saving or whether to follow your feelings for the new person.

xanthic · 30/08/2025 19:55

Didimum · 30/08/2025 19:36

This is all true. Absolutely. But she can’t atone or repair something she doesn’t know is an issue. Her DH also has a responsibility to communicate effectively in the marriage.

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We don't know if he's tried before - the OP said he had mentioned things in passing before. All we know is that it's definitely something they need to talk about now!

And it's something where she has to be a part of a solution rather than leaving it to her husband to sort out (again).

nosleepforme · 30/08/2025 19:56

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 10:02

He didn't want to lend them anything. His logic was that people who get into money troubles are never able to resolve them.

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Well turns out he’s right in this case. Ouch

nosleepforme · 30/08/2025 19:58

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 10:37

My friends havent repaid me. They ended up losing everything, including their home.

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And your house too!!! Not to be taken lightly

nosleepforme · 30/08/2025 20:01

Confused at thread title. No mention of an argument over a quid! Click bait

moderndilemma · 30/08/2025 20:10

One of the challenges in this is that no-one can predict how property prices might change.

For example if OP lent £10K, and she and dh sold a £100K property (which had 10% deposit) to repay the laon, then they have forfeited a potential £90K.

If house prices have risen and the property might now be worth £750K, OP's dh is thinking that her mistake has now resulted in them forfeiting £740K. The more house prices rise, the more resentful he might feel.

londongirl12 · 30/08/2025 20:11

nosleepforme · 30/08/2025 20:01

Confused at thread title. No mention of an argument over a quid! Click bait

Read it again. It’s about swapping a branded product for a basic product ( probably £1 different!)

Namechange7282829 · 30/08/2025 20:18

Whilst I completely understand why losing the house was awful for him, if he couldn’t forgive it, he should’ve ended the relationship at the time, or now if he has later realised he cannot get past it. I don’t agree with staying with someone after they do something wrong and then holding it over their head forever.

Original poster

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 20:27

Pipsquiggle · 30/08/2025 19:38

It's really difficult OP.

You were incredibly stupid lending friends money that jeopardised your financial security. You should never lend money to anyone that you can't afford to lose. Full stop. No exceptions. This is a sliding doors moment in your lives.

You are now in financial hardship again and your DH is understandably stressed. I hope you are helping to support your DH as much as you can.

How much did you lend your friends?

I feel this will blur the issuse: my best friend unexpectedly asked to borrow money and I lent her a small amount. She said it was a cash flow problem and I had no reason to doubt her and she repaid me. She asked again several times for money, and I used my savings. She latter told me the extent of her financial difficulty but assured me it was temporary, so I borrowed from family and friends to help her out. When my friends asked me to repay their loans I couldn't and I borrowed from banks, which I then couldn't repay.

He tried to purchase another BTL but couldnt for a variety of factors: we had children & didn't have the money; lending criteria became more onerous and home prices appreciated. By the time we had enough money the BTL tax rules had meant it didn't make financial sense.

I didn't have any form of written agreement; they were declared bankrupt after their business had failed. She went NC and moved away. It's been years since I've seen her.

She was my best friend for a reason, and she helped me when I was in a very dark place. I was looking to repay my debt to her when I lent her the money.

OP posts:

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 30/08/2025 20:29

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 09:30

I borrowed money to help my friend, but she couldn't repay me and I couldn't repay the bank.

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Shit, shit, shit - so basically you've cost him a life altering amount of money/investment that would have changed both your lives. And he's worried about his job and financial security. And the he sees you mess around with a £1...

Typicalwave · 30/08/2025 20:31

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 20:27

I feel this will blur the issuse: my best friend unexpectedly asked to borrow money and I lent her a small amount. She said it was a cash flow problem and I had no reason to doubt her and she repaid me. She asked again several times for money, and I used my savings. She latter told me the extent of her financial difficulty but assured me it was temporary, so I borrowed from family and friends to help her out. When my friends asked me to repay their loans I couldn't and I borrowed from banks, which I then couldn't repay.

He tried to purchase another BTL but couldnt for a variety of factors: we had children & didn't have the money; lending criteria became more onerous and home prices appreciated. By the time we had enough money the BTL tax rules had meant it didn't make financial sense.

I didn't have any form of written agreement; they were declared bankrupt after their business had failed. She went NC and moved away. It's been years since I've seen her.

She was my best friend for a reason, and she helped me when I was in a very dark place. I was looking to repay my debt to her when I lent her the money.

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In no way wouod ANY decent human being do this.

And you put yourself at risk hh doing this.

I think your marriage is done.

It would have been done for me the minute you went ahead and put your own family in harms way ij what was basically a bad bet.