Argument over a £1

[ForGentleBeaker]

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

Yes it’s like the straw that broke the camel’s back and the OP can’t even see that.

OP, if you had to borrow money, you couldn't afford to help them out. It was a very kind offer. They took the piss and your (and DC's) financial security. I'm sorry this happened to you. People can be very unpredictable around money.

I expect DH has been feeling this way for a long time. It's the first you've heard of it but not the first time DH has thought it.

How on earth did you get to the point of liquidising assets for £1000? Did you not approach your lender when this put you in financial difficulties?

People with no money have spent every single penny that's passed though their hands, including yours. This is their relationship with money and always will be. They don't give a shit.

Maybe they never intended to pay it back. How could they? They'd need a disposable income but they supposedly don't have any. Why didn't they take out a loan? I'm assuming they have bad credit and would be refused. There's a reason no one else would lend them money. When the bank says no, we should too.
❤

Exactly. Completely ridiculous.

OP financially destroyed her whole family causing him to lose his families money and their childrens security in frankly one of the WORST case of money abuse I have ever heard... he called her a slightly nasty word once many years later in an argument where she was trying to control his money.

Its not him thats abusive.

So, "I" borrowed the money, but "we" had to repay the loan. Can you see why your husband might be feeling raw about this, even after so many years.
What did you do to try to recoup the money?
Do you have a job?
Because if I had done something like this to my family finances, I would have done my utmost to recoup anything, and I would be working my backside off to mitigate the losses.
I wonder what you actually did?

Tbh that’s irrelevant. What’s Op going to say, “yeah I know you missed out on selling that house but I doubt you could’ve paid for the building work so why not forget about it?”

plus you are under no obligation to bring property “up to code” to sell it.

I didn’t say it wasn’t. But it’s not necessarily deceitful.

Lol this is so dramatic. The fact OP was a SAHM for three children doesn’t suggest that they have been financially destroyed. Perhaps I missed the part where she said they were homeless and living in emergency council accommodation.

Swapping a premium item for a budget item is hardly controlling his money 😂 at most it’s a minor irritant for him, easily rectified by saying “please can you put that back in?”.

I would argue she financially abused him, taking out a loan against his wishes (as a married couple) to play saviour to some so-called friends because she really wanted to help them. What the fuck? The friends were 'surprisingly' untrustworthy, and her husband had to cash in money from his parents to bail her out. OP got off lightly. I would have left her. He's not abusive.

Perhaps because every post is knocking her over the head over everything she says, unless it’s worded very specifically to please about 40 posters.

When he has refused to talk about it since it happened and never raised an angry word with her about it, I’m not sure how she is supposed to tell the specifics of how he is feeling.

And yes, trying to make up the facts is irrelevant.

Tell him to have a nap and get more sleep. and this will all blow over

Yes, people don’t tend to need therapy for decisions/experiences that they don’t think are negative.

He was right in this case wasn’t he ? If he didn’t want to lend them anything why on earth did you go against him ? This is financial abuse, pure and simple and it’s not hard to see why he’s angry and resentful. I’d have divorced you.

I wouldn't have done it but the OP thought it was the right thing to do , some people treat best friends as their family , especially if they don't have parents / siblings.Maybe the OP had a friendship like that.

If you go below the poverty line you will see virtually no household has 2 working parents. They aren't in poverty because they are lazy and don't both work like middle class people love to think its that they both can't AFFORD to work because of poverty.

If you work minimum or low wage you cannot afford to then pay someone else at least minimum wage to watch your children while you then work.

SAHPing isn't a luxury for most its a financial necessity.

Exactly.

If the money had been OP's and OP's alone and only OP bore the loss then her choice but that was not the case she went against her husband and he and their children have to bear the consequences of that.

Folks this thread isn’t in AIBU it’s in Relationships. Let’s be mindful of that.

You miss the point.

There has been no suggestion that they've had financial income problems in the past.

The problem is that the husband's job is now at stake, but the OP destroyed the family's future financial security several years ago by bringing about the sale of what was then a cheap investment/BTL property, but which would now be a valuable financial asset and/or source of rental income.

All because of what was a daft decision

It's not about whether she considered her best friend to be like family. It's about the fact that she didn't have the money.

You committed financial infidelity. It seemed like the two of you worked past it, but the rift that was created has festered with your husband.

you need to treat this like an old affair whose feelings have been kicked back up. The two of you need to decide if you want to work on your marriage and if you do, that means counseling and really working to address this issue.

It’s also ok for either of you to say you can’t get past either the initial betrayal or the way the other person has reacted. Therapy can be a good start either way because you are still going to be parents together no matter what happens.

A friend like that would never have accepted so much money when they couldn't repay it.

This reminds me very much of my husband and my cousin, who came to stay with us one summer.
My cousin and I had had grown up together, were 9mos apart in age, were extremely close, and she treated our home as if it were her home, as we’d always done.
The problem was - she was messy. She left dishes out, clothes out, the milk and other food out - you get the picture.
I knew this. I was used to this. I’d grown up with this.
She was also sweet and warm and kind.
She also would’ve killed anyone who harmed me.
My husband did not know her and took an immediate disliking to her. He didn’t give her a chance nor did he even listen to her. But he never turned down her free meals or the gifts she bestowed upon us, either - which were often and many.
He bitched about her constantly to me. He bitched about my entire family to me, but was smarmy and nice to their faces - you know the type.
My explanation that that was just who she was fell on deaf ears - her generosity with both gifts and meals also made no difference to Mr. Unhappy - at least behind her back.
My husband made both my cousin’s visit and my time with her miserable.
What my husband failed to realise was that if he asked me to choose between him and my cousin, it would’ve taken me 1 second to choose my cousin.
Now my husband is my ex-husband and we lost my cousin to breast cancer.
So it’s shitty all round, except I don’t have to listen to that arsehole complain ever again.
Life is short, @ForGentleBeaker - the years go by unbelievably fast.
Don’t spend your life listening to somebody whine and moan and complain and accuse about something you can’t control or change.
Sending love from California ❤️

If anyone is in financial difficulties speak to your lender or a debt charity as soon as possible.

I'm confused about the BTL. You sold it to repay the loan. Why didn't you buy another at the time? BTL lending criteria back then was very loose. Did you not qualify for a mortgage anymore?

I still can't get my head round how you lost your life savings for the sake of £1000. I honestly couldn't live with that.

if you had to borrow money, you couldn't afford to help them out

That's why I wondered - because wondering is all we can do - how much the "cushion" of DH's better financial position factored into OP's choice to lend the money

Also how long it was between her being added to the deeds and this choice being made, and whether the "friend" knew too that she'd been put on them

How is your situation in any way similar to ops?