Argument over a £1

[ForGentleBeaker]

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

This must be a fake....people can't be this stupid...

I have some experience with living in rapidly gentrifying areas and moving.

People buy the old places for a bit over the former cheap prices, then invest lots of money and time into renovations because they're usually in bad shape and things aren't up to code. Then they sell at the newer, gentrified price. Our place didn't even have a p trap on the kitchen sink, it was just straight into a pipe with no connection.

Would your husband have had the money to renovate to bring it up to code and the current interior standards at the time he sold it to get top price? Or the time and knowledge to do the work himself to a high standard?

If his old place was in bad shape, he still would have had to sell it as a fixer upper, or possibly not be able to sell until it was brought up to code.

Morally, (and it won’t happen) OP has the option to divorce and opt to give DH more or depending on value the majority of the assets to make up the £ difference. Guilt without action or restitution is just a word. Means absolutely nothing so if there are options to make it better and they’re not taken… That shows sentiment means nothing anyways. It’s a way to deflect. Don’t hold me accountable. Woe is me. If what had happened to DH had happened to me that’s what I’d think be fair. DC wouldn’t lose out presuming they inherit from DH anyways.
OP adds DH been a good husband and father, that’s likely to include being a good provider regardless so can’t blame the man being super triggered by someone who caused him to lose his and DC long term security, when he’d already said no and called it, swapping items in a trolley to save a £1.
Name calling not on but jeez oh… the reluctance of OP to even say more says it all. Losing hundreds of thousands potentially over being called a B not in same ball park. Zero remorse shown in practice based on what’s been said so far.

I'm not surprised you DH harbours resentment over selling a property which could now have made you financially independent. I would never, ever 'help' a friend in this way it always goes wrong and leads to resentment.
There's not a lot you can do but I suspect your marriage is finished, I'm afraid. Lesson learned, do not put friends before family.

@Takoneko Surely anyone can see why that would stick in his throat.

Has anyone intimated otherwise? The point is that he either chooses to get over it or he leaves her. Staying and then whinging about it long after the fact is not okay. He has steadfastly refused to talk about it to this point, so it’s not okay to suddenly explode and talk to her any old way. If he did that at the time it would be understandable but now, no.

I get why he’s angry - all this and you’re arguing about strawberries.

He’s lost money, through your friend, and you’ve stayed at home, unwaged.🤷‍♀️

He’s not whinging about it out of nowhere. OP did something weird and controlling. When I put something in the trolley at the supermarket I’d be pissed off if DP decided to change it for a cheaper option. Likewise, I would never dream of swapping something he’s chosen. That’s not normal, respectful behaviour.

It doesn’t sound like he’s constantly going on about it. It sounds like their financial situation has become a bit tighter and more precarious. The OP deciding that the answer to that is to penny pinch on items he’s chosen in the grocery shop would tip me over the edge in his shoes. He shouldn’t be calling her a bitch, obviously, but she can’t expect that he just forget a huge fuck up that cost them enormous sums that he has shouldered (and is still shouldering) the main burden of fixing.

@Boomer55 and you’ve stayed at home, unwaged.🤷‍♀️

She said they she stayed at home “when the children were younger”, which implies that she works now that they are older.

@Boomer55 and you’ve stayed at home, unwaged.🤷‍♀️

She said they she stayed at home “when the children were younger”, which implies that she works now that they are older.

There are a few variables here: whether you persuaded him to go along with your taking out the loan or whether you did it without telling him or over his objections, whether there was ever a reasonable belief that your friends would repay the loan in time (it seems not; and I don't understand why you would give them a gift of money without a plan for YOU to pay it back) and whether he was legally obligated for the debt so had to sell or chose to do it to help you. Perhaps he feels that the bank would not have given you a personal loan without the property as an asset?

The SAHP thing is very weird; did the two of you not discuss what arrangement made sense once you were pregnant, and agree that you'd stop work for a while? And at any point afterwards when financial circus changed and the existing arrangement no longer made sense? Do you know what the "diminishing his role and magnifying more" means?

Regardless, this fury has come seemingly out of the blue after years; the next logical step is to try to have a discussion with him about it when he has calmed down and when you both have time and privacy. Get it all out (both of you) and decide what your options are. If he still won't talk and won't agree to a mediator ("verbal diarrhea", blah blah blah - it's an excuse) and won't say he wants to split up then I think he's probably got to go by default; this can't drag on.

@WonderingWanda - "The issue here is his. He chose to sell the property to bail you out when you got into debt supporting your friend. It's irrelevant whether you were right to do that or not (that's a whole different discussion). He chose to bail you out... "

Errr... I think you may have completely misunderstood.

AIUI the property was bought by the husband as a BTL with money from his parents.

After marriage he - generously - added the OP to the deeds as joint owner.

He never agreed to the OP lending money to her friend.

When the OP couldn't repay her bank loan, her only asset that the bank could pursue was the BTL property that she was joint owner of.

I don't think the husband ever had an opportunity to say no to the sale of the property. The bank could have sued the OP and forced a sale of the property. (It was BTL and not their home).

The husband did absolutely nothing wrong at any time. Including calling the OP a "jumped up bitch".

There’s plenty of things women do that make me speak against them. Cheating, violence, drug misuse, neglect of children etc.

I think that she made a very poor financial decision some years ago to try and help a friend. I think her husband should have left her if he couldn’t get over it. I think her husband is wrong to call her a jumped up bitch (amongst other things) and ignore her ever since. I can’t believe I even have to say that!

If he can’t get over it, he needs to leave. Holding on to this for decades (an area doesn’t go from deep ghetto to gentrified overnight) isn’t going to do anybody any good. What’s done is done and, in this case, cannot be undone. So get over it and move on or don’t get over it, slowly seethe about it for the rest of your life and move on to pastures new. I understand why he flipped. I don’t understand why he’s still married if he can’t get over it.

I hope the “friend” is on a repayment plan at least????

With current property prices there's probably an 'm' missing form the £1 !

If it wasn’t for “jumped up bitch” I’d be wayyyy on your husband’s side here. But there is never an excuse for abuse. If he can’t let this go, you should break up.

It sounds like you are absolutely dreadful with money. Borrowing loans for 'friends', not working for years...
But your husband has to make a choice - forgive you and move on, or leave. He can't just dangle it over you every time he is angry.

@Wilfulignoranceabounds I don’t think it sounds like he has seethed. The OP says that she believed they’d put it behind them. It reads to me like this hasn’t been mentioned for years. That doesn’t mean that it’s completely forgotten. It sounds like they’ve had years of being financially OK ,but now he’s in a more precarious financial position, it has probably brought up those feelings again. They would have had much more of a buffer if not for OP’s actions. He’s a human being. It’s normal for that change in circumstance to bring things to the surface.

He was wrong to be so horrible, but you were wrong to lend a friend such an amount that has led to such stress now - especially when your husband didn't want you to lend it.

He is absolutely right. What on earth were you thinking?

It's quite noticeable that the OP has ignored all the questions about whether she is maximising her income now.

Are you able to tell us how much was lent to your friend and are you still in contact?
Your husband should not be abusive , you did what you thought was right at the time.
I am sorry that you are going through this.

He only brought it up because she's now trying to penny pinch at his expense - all over £1.

She should be bending ove backwards to help pay for it but it seems it's all about how it's affected her, him calling her names, her having to get therapy and her worried about how it would affect her kids.

Very little in her responses give info in him and what she's done to help him - so you know what - I don't blame him for holding onto this resentment. The fact that it was his parents money and he probably l feels guilty about that too - yet she hasn't mentioned them either.

Yet she mentioned 'her' friends who she gave money too and reference the house 'we' sold. The people backing her up or saying we don't know all the facts or saying he still shouldn't be angry also don't know the full story - because she is purposely being vague.

I wonder if she had any more children after her fuck up. Leaving him to further provide and her having time to stay home and get her 'therapy'. The ops husband sounds like a decent guy - she herself has stated that he has been an excellent husband and father until now. So give the guy a break if he snaps once and because she fucking had the cheek to swap one of his shopping items for the sake of £1.

Honestly this thread had got my blood boiling today and I genuinely feel for the ops husband. She did this to him and yet he stuck around, played the great dad and husband, probably because he didn't want to tear his family apart and she can't cope with hearing a few home truths.

She abused him financially!

And I bet if they separated she wouldn't forgo her half to pay back what she owes him. She'd be in the I couldn't afford to be without it, I have kids and I'm in therapy because of anxiety and depression (due to her own stupidity).

How could it ever be the right thing to lend a sum of money you can't afford to lose against your spouse's expressed wishes?