Husband wants me to pay back half of child benefit

[Bakersdelight]

I’d like to get some impartial perspective on a situation with my husband. We receive Child Benefit for our two children. This gets paid into our joint expenses account. My husband changed jobs 5 years ago and his salary went over the earnings threshold. I’ve been telling him for the past 5 years he needs to contact HMRC and work out repayment via a tax return and then see whether to stop receiving it, or just pay it back each year. He’s finally done his tax returns (only because he realise he could claim some relief on his pension contributions). And has had to pay approx £10k back in Child Benefit. He is now saying I owe him half of this money because I have benefitted from it as it was paid into the joint expenses account.
I feel he is being unreasonable given the amount he is asking from me and the fact that I had been asking him for 5 years to sort it out. I would be interested in what others think.

Your DH is being very, very unfair. For easy figures, let's imagine CB is about £160 a month and your joint living expenses are £2000. If you have both been paying £1000 into the joint account, whilst he kept the CB, then you DON'T OWE A PENNY. The only way you could be considered to owe this is if he was transferring the £160 CB to the joint account and then also putting in his own £1000 as well. He's kept the CB so he pays it back.

In my book, he also owes you a significant sum for your mat leaves. This was needed to birth and care for your joint children yet you absorbed the financial costs entirely. How could that possibly be reasonable in an equal partnership? Work out how much salary you lost and how much of your savings you used. He should have covered half of this or, if he's mean, at least made sure you both took an equal hit to your savings.

I'd get all the figures on paper before speaking to him, so you are crystal clear in your own head.

I really hope he's applying the 50:50 rule to housework and childcare and he isn't able to earn more because you provide a lot of this free. Sharing finances isn't for every family but we've always done this, partly because we don't differentiate between labour that brings in the family income and labour at home that doesn't. If people are working equally hard they should get equal life style & equal savings.

I doubt he is at all open to any sort of discussion. He will likely deny and from there attack (DARVO).

The fact remains he does not and has never wanted to share and regards his money as solely his. op needs to consider if this is really a marriage she wants to remain in.

Seems as your husband expects you to pay 50 percent of bills ( even while on maternity) which is crazy. Does he do 50 percent on the cooking / cleaning ? 50 percent of the school runs ? 50 percent of the child care ? Etc. It always seems to be the men that want 50/50 only want it when it refers to bills.

@lessglittermoremud you think the OP had spare cash to take out her half of CB?

I had this but had also been the one claiming and the higher earner, and I paid it back (about £1,500 not £10k).

It is a shit system. In my case, when the measure just came into force I thought either a) DH was doing tax returns and had accounted for it when I was the lower earner or getting back into working again as he had done tax returns and asked me about CB or b) it had already been included in my tax which was all PAYE. There were a couple of years where I did a lot of short term contracts and my earnings went slightly over the threshold but were all PAYE. Apparently then I was also the higher earner but only just. HMRC actually told me I should stop doing tax returns, not mentioning anything about needing to if you claim CB and are a higher rate tax payer, while having all my salary details and CB details knowing clearly I did fall into that category. But apparently I should have for two years. They were nearly outside their own threshold to pursuing me, it took them so long to review it.

Then when I went to pay it on my account, good job I kept checking afterwards as there were a couple of extra messages where I owed another £150 and then another £30 or something with short deadlines to pay. But there was no alert anywhere about those messages so had I not checked I could have missed the deadline and been fined.

I really do not trust HMRC at all, and it gives me anxiety that they are still going to keep coming for me for something else I got wrong inadvertently, even though my tax affairs should be very simple indeed.

My mum's tax affairs should have been even more simple, someone on state pension with tiny private pensions and PAYE only. But they managed to mess hers up as well, always claiming she hadn't paid stuff when she had, and this was when she was in her 80s. Good job that she was on the ball, and that I had her back too.

It's a very annoying situation. Of course DH should have sorted out the overpayment but you did know about it and arguably you should have kept on at him until he sorted it out, since it affects both of you, or else reported the change yourself.
Because he owns 3 times as much you, how about offering to pay a third of the money that needs returning?

3 x as much means ratio of 3:1 so fair to pay back 25% (1/3+1) if doing it that way. Which she shouldn't as I suspect he spent it, not her, and she hasn't got £2.5k probably.

No, nothing is fair payback. OP's husband was using child benefit to reduce his personal contribution to the household pot, so he owes it all.

WTF are you paying 50% when he earns 3x what you do?

You sound like you're in a financially abusive relationship, and he can't even manage his finances properly to boot. Doesn't bode well for you long term if you stay.

I wouldn't be paying him anything to pay it back under those circumstances.

You can still get the NI credits without receiving the funds. This is what I do, even though I work as well so not entirely necessary.

I don’t understand how this has happened anyway. Once my husband’s earnings were over the threshold, HMRC contacted us quite quickly to inform us it needed to be paid back in his tax.

He made me stop claiming it and promised he would pay me the CB I was missing out on.

Never seen a single payment from him.

You are missing the point. Of course legally you can have your own things in your own name but if you are living as a team as a married couple and plan to stay married for life, whose name things are in is moot as you presumably are holidaying together, raising children together etc, living equally in a house together and when you die, it is unusual for each person to distribute their assets separately (unless you are on 2nd marriages where it is a different scenario often discussed and agreed prior to the marriage)
.
as a result if you get into financial arguments like this it often can lead eventually to divorce (finances are one of the top reason for divorce I believe) then all the money becomes property of the marriage anyway and split equally so the whole thing was a ridiculous waste of time. The fact is the OP is at a massive financial disadvantage in her relationship and her husband is not treating her as an equal partner. I have no idea where that would lead but I sure wouldn’t put up with it.

I agree with you that the OP is at a massive financial disadvantage, sadly, and her husband is not treating her as an equal partner. But it doesn't follow that the only way to avoid that situation is to give up all personal property ownership and share everything once married. Plenty of people manage to have private bank accounts, assets, property etc and still maintain a happy, fair relationship.

The best way to avoid OP's unfair situation is for neither of the spouses to be an arsehole.

Yes if wealthy and plenty of money to go around so it doesn’t matter as they probably give it no thought.

Given the majority of people in this country are not in that situation and every penny counts, particularly when raising children It is very relevant for most people. The OP’s situation is all too common.

I don’t even understand how your DP got away with not providing tax returns to HMRC for that long!!

I earn over the threshold for child benefit too and I’m absolutely hounded every year for a tax return - and yes also pay the child benefit back every year too.

I could indeed zero it down however in the sales industry I’m in, it is possible to have a ‘bad’ year and earn below the threshold. Hence why I continue to claim but accept it’s a mounting but manageable debt each year.

In this instance, as he is the name on the claim, the debt is solely his, and really with the knowledge he had he should have put money to one side to cover any repayment. He can also pay in instalment to HMRC though they do charge an interest rate.

Absolutely.

if he’d sorted out the CB at the point when he got the pay rise, maybe it would have been clearer to him and the OP. At that point he should have made up the CB shortfall. Her financial situation hadn’t changed, his had improved.

I can’t think of any sensible, equitable rationale which means that him getting a pay rise should result in her having to contribute more to the family expenses pot, which is what this situation actually boils down to.

She doesn’t say she didn’t, she hasn’t said the joint expenses account is running on empty at the end of each month, massive assumptions are being made.
The point is the original question was should she pay back half, the money soent by them both knowing that they would have to pay it back.
The whole rest of their relationship and how they deal with their finances are up to them.
Op could have got someone to help her fill in the forms so she could have claimed it herself. She must be working as says her husband earns 3 x the amount she does the online form to claim it is very simple but also a paper copy is supplied in a baby pack when you leave hospital. The OP could have asked the HV to help her fill it in, I was asked after the birth of our first child if I need any help with the forms etc

We’ve had this situation. One year my husband earned over the threshold so he paid it back and when I went over I paid it back. He’s knowingly wracked up a big bill and it’s his responsibility. Your husband sounds awful re the maternity leave! My husband took care of the mortgage & bills once my pay dropped to SMP. Good luck x

I think you need to rethink the entire concept of what marriage and shared finances is supposed to look like. I would never leave my husband destitute whilst I live it up. But I suppose my financial values differ from the norm.

Paying ones way is one thing, putting another party into hardship is quite another. And that's what he's pretty much expecting you to do as far as I can tell.

You don't appear to have full financial transparency between you as to savings, pensions, investments etc. I suggest you start a monthly budget sheet that keeps track of everything, not just expenses but also these savings.

I hope you won't encounter resistance, but hopefully once the figures are on paper you'll be able to have a more sensible conversation around what makes sense as a family unit. If you do get a negative response, time to rethink.

Well, you could do it this way.

Your 'debt' to him: £5000

His 'debt' to you:
50% of your savings whilst on 2 x Mat leaves plus 50% of your loss of earnings for those periods as you were providing childcare unpaid

And going forward an invoice weekly to him for the cost of time when you are sole carer for the kids at NMW of £11.95 per hour. Of course he could invoice you for the same, but somehow I suspect that he doesn't take on the same amount of childcare responsibility.

That might go some way to make it fairer. Or you could tell him to get back in his box, that going forward he will pay 75% you 25% and adjust your direct debit accordingly.

It's both your responsibility. When my DH went over the limit we immediately set up an account, worked out the amount he would have to pay back and started transferring that amount in after the child benefit came in so there was enough to cover the tax bill.

His liability, he needs to pay it! Should have sorted it years ago!

@lessglittermoremud I would bet the DH is controlling and that is why he completed the forms in his name

Op said that she wasn’t very good at paperwork so didn’t do them

To just answer that question...coz I can't get me head around the rest...perhaps start with how much of your savings you used on your maternity leaves?🤔