Bisexual husband has a breakdown

[Usa2025usa]

My husband has recently had a mental breakdown after taking ketamine for 8 months (I had no idea) as a means of escape. We have been married for 18 years and have young children together. Our marriage hadnt been great the last couple of years since a death in the family .since his breakdown my husband is now telling his friends he has to be true to himself and is bisexual. He has always messed around with bi porn but has never felt the need to tell other people. He’s now ‘clean’ from the drugs and is saying he had the break down because he can’t handle our life and he either has to change our relationship or end it. He says it doesn’t matter that he’s bi because he’s with me and he has no intention of being with men . Do you think the drugs have changed his sexual preference, or is he just now admitting it to
himself? And why do other people need to know 🙈

hes gay and making excuses for his shit behaviour

let him go, and live a happier life without the drug taking, liar

I am more concerned that this abusive prick is on bail for hurting you - that is just abhorrent. You really need to put you and the kids first - whether he is bisexual or not is a red herring really. Being bisexual does not excuse his disgusting behaviour.

Do not concern yourself anymore with his crap - none of it matters, why are you even worrying about it - just tell people the truth - he is a drug taking, nasty, abusive twat - get divorced - look after yourself- this man absolutely cannot be anywhere near his kids.

Totally agree @Usa2025usa. At the moment, it feels hopeless I know.

You keep saying he's taken your best years. And it definitely feels this way now.

But your best years are in front of you, now he's gone. You have your lovely children and your life will be so much better without your selfish, druggie, abusive sperm donor. He did the only thing he could do for you, which was give you your children.

Slowly, things will improve for you. Let him spin his web of lies. Trust that people that know you well know who you are. Correct their understanding of his narrative if necessary. Not at length, just drop in a comment about not being able to tolerate his drug-use for the sake of your children. Or that he needed to go off and live his bisexual life-style.

You're going to come out of this like a butterfly rising from the restrictive cocoon you've been trapped in by him. Freer to be yourself and able to fly and enjoy life without his shit and his drama.

You tell people you are divorcing him because he's a violent thug with a drug problem. People aren't stupid OP, he's out on bail for assaulting you - they can work it out.

Do your friends know he’s on bail for assaulting you? Have you set the record straight factually? Who cares what he says or thinks, this is of no consequence to you after his behaviour. You’re a decent kind person and it’s a shock when you find out other humans aren’t wired like that.
Just look after yourself and your lovely children; he doesn’t deserve a second of your headspace.

Is there a good reason why you entertaining all this? Being his beard and dealing with drug problems. Honestly...

He’s now been on bail with no contact for a couple of months. I can clearly see now that there’s some distance that it’s totally over xx

Good for you OP , you deserve better

If you can't see clearly, here are the signs:

1. He's hurt you physically.
2. He's abused you and the children emotionally.
3. He used serious drugs for 8 months at least.
4. He dropped out of home life and forced you to be a single parent.
5. He's bisexual and now insists on telling people.
6. He says your relationship has to change or he'll end it.
7. He has been arrested and is on bail for domestic violence against you!
8. He can't see you or his children.
9. He's already out of the house.
10. You have no idea what you want? Not THIS!

You and the children's needs are the priority. He is not doing all of this due to the ketamine. This is who he's become. Do you really see things getting better, or have you realized there's nothing positive to come out of allowing him in your lives?
Please take care of yourself and your children. Use your strength and show your dc that people aren't allowed to hurt us.
Please.

What are you waiting for?

Thankyou so much for this. He’s still on bail, still no contact. Social services have allowed him ti see the kids supervised, but they don’t always want to go. I’m staying strong with the kids abs just totally focussing on their needs. I get it now, there’s no way back with him. The no contact has really helped be get space and figure it out. Thank you so much for your post xx

Your husband is a dick for many reasons and I couldn't maintain a relationship with him.

However being bi isn't something a person should hide. I'm bi and married to a man. I'm monogamous but I don't hide the fact I'm bi, it's part of who I am.

Hi guys, just thaught I’d give an update. He’s still on bail, due to be up next week. Whilst we’ve been apart I’ve been finding out that during our rejationship he’s been hanging about his farm workshop taking drugs with 19 year old kids (hes 45). He’s also in the past month been telling people his feelings towards men have resurfaced 🙈 he’s obvs going to come out as gay 🙈 but my question is….

when he comes to talk to me for the first time all I want to say is a want a divorce . I know I need to speak to him
to sort out the logistics of the kids but please can u help me with what to actually say to him 🙈

He's not bisexual, he's gay.

No… he turned to drugs because he’s living a false life and is in fact gay. It’s just a matter of time..

What do you WANT to say to him?
can you have someone with you?
it's ok to say you're starting divorce proceedings and do the rest through a solicitor

Correct their understanding of his narrative if necessary. Not at length, just drop in a comment about not being able to tolerate his drug-use for the sake of your children. Or that he needed to go off and live his bisexual life-style.
This ^

The really hard truth in all of this is whilst you've been loving him and prioritising him, he feels entitled to exploit, manipulate and hurt you to get exactly what he wants. Up to and including violence. He fundamentally thinks that treating you that way is justified, to serve his own purposes. Because you don't really matter. For him, you exist only to serve his own purposes. Your life, your feelings, your dreams are only a consideration so far as they can be manipulated. He doesn't care if he lies to you, hurts you, humiliates you, frightens you. You might as well be an object. If he's attached to you, it's the way people are attached to a possession.

So it doesn't really matter if he actually only wants to have sex with men, or why.

Exploiting you reproductively to give him children is just a part of the overall picture of him exploiting you more generally to give him whatever he wants.

It's time to put a stop to it. You don't need to analyse the reasons - the reason is simple: because it suits him, because he feels entitled to do it, because he doesn't care about the impact on you beyond how it affects him.

You'd be better off seeing this "breakdown" as an overflowing of his selfishness. He's no longer able to "live the lie" that he cares about you and his children, but wants to frame it as something more sympathetic. That's what this is.

You don't need to speak to him, you shouldn't. You're out from under his cloud just now, don't rush to get back underneath it. Don't risk your clarity or your headstart. Find a divorce solicitor and speak to them first.

Why is he like that? THAT DOESN'T MATTER. He just is.

This

Trying to figure him out is a distraction that stops you from making yourself a priority. The man he might have been and who you want him to be is gone. His gaslighting excuses is a very cynical and manipulative way of making himself the victim.

Let him go, that’s the only way to move forward. When you’ve put some distance between you and his crazy you’ll probably realise that his selfishness isn’t a recent development.

I agree with @Daaaaahling.
There is no need to speak to him. Ever again. Just get on with the divorce and keeping yourself and your lovely children, safeguarded.

You don't need to talk to him. Isn't there an app where you can discuss co-parenting? You don't need to talk face to face with him ever again. He has no right to that and he should have no expectation you would.
Talk to a lawyer and find out how you can move fwd and one of those things you need to ask about is how to co-parent without ever actually talking to him again in the flesh.

Update. He’s still on bail and now is telling people that he only said he was bisexual as it was something I had over him 😂 he’s also saying I controlled him in our marriage and our business (whilst I was single parenting the kids as he’s been taking drugs for 8 months)
I think the new life he had planned isn’t going to plan 😳

It sounds so far fetched did you shovel drugs down his throat too? I am sorry it’s not been easy for you op.

Perhaps start another thread, you will then get far more good advice than I can offer.

Girl this man is gay

I'll never understand those women who harp on about men's suffering in silence 🙄🙄

This is men

This is one of a few threads ive seen about gay men who use a woman as an incubator for their kids and then leave as they've 'just discovered' that theyre gay.

Just another problem for women to put up with, eh 🤷‍♀️

Don't even bother engaging with this man. Just tell everyone that he is gay and that you will be divorcing him. End of.

Hope you get your freedom and the kids see him for the misogynist he is xx