Bisexual husband has a breakdown

[Usa2025usa]

My husband has recently had a mental breakdown after taking ketamine for 8 months (I had no idea) as a means of escape. We have been married for 18 years and have young children together. Our marriage hadnt been great the last couple of years since a death in the family .since his breakdown my husband is now telling his friends he has to be true to himself and is bisexual. He has always messed around with bi porn but has never felt the need to tell other people. He’s now ‘clean’ from the drugs and is saying he had the break down because he can’t handle our life and he either has to change our relationship or end it. He says it doesn’t matter that he’s bi because he’s with me and he has no intention of being with men . Do you think the drugs have changed his sexual preference, or is he just now admitting it to
himself? And why do other people need to know 🙈

He's a violent drug user who wants to have sex with men. Blaming your relationship - in effect, blaming you - is pure gaslighting. Divorce him now before he drags you down any further into misery.

So sorry to read all this - sounds really tough for you. As others have said, it could be that the drug use has altered his level of inhibition. It could make him behave in ways that you don’t expect. Could link to the incident of him hurting you too.
No access to the children is definitely the right thing at the moment.
Really don’t think he’s is a state where he can make good judgements about future plans. You need to think about that YOU want - and whether or not that includes him.

What do you want though op?

You will never be able to get rid of the bottom of his behaviour. You will never fix him. What you need to do now is decide what you want for you and the kids. He’s made his choices - with zero regard for you and the Children because he doesn’t care what you want. Now is your chance to make your choices.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. It sounds really tough. I would recommend you look at some of the threads on mumsnet about husbands who come out as bisexual during a rupture in the marriage. They all have a lot of similarities about how the husbands talk about it and how thing progress. It might help you to see those patterns and notice if any are the same.

I see you’re really looking to understand ‘why’ your husband has done these things but previous posters are right, you have focus inwards on yourself and your children. Put yourself first in all of this.

Good luck OP.

This sounds incredibly hard and the thing you need to prioritize at the moment is the children and yourself. I'm sure you are doing that but you maybe need to remember that it's totally ok that he isn't the priority.

Can I just ask about the family bereavement, I'm sorry to but it could be relevant (although not justifying) but was this a loss of a child or a particularly traumatic loss?

I think to be blunt, expressing that he is bisexual is him saying he wants to sleep with men and the fact that he wants to be very public with that shows that you and your relationship are not a consideration anymore and I think you should work to protect you and your children on that basis.

This 100 times over

Some gay men are oppressed and suffer, and i hate that.

Others, know that they are gay, but label it as something else and terrorise the women in their lives while getting the benefits of marriage to a woman who trusts them

The ketamine has not changed him. He is a wee prick. Sorry.

Talk to your kids and prepare yourself for his 'wo is me' coming out story. Wish you the best xx

The problem is, ive doesn’t so long putting him and my kids first I have no idea what I want 🙈

Thankyou , one of his parents of old age

It looks like your marriage is well over and your energy is better spent figuring out how to separate and what you want to do next. Don't waste time and energy trying to figure out why, he probably doesn't know himself.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, get support from trusted friends and family and instruct them to keep you on task. Get counselling later if needed.

Whichever way round he paints it.

There is no excuse for violence.

You need to keep your children safe and you need to get safe.
It'll take some time to work out but onwards and upwards is the only way. Without him and his nonsense to further damage you.

If he has hurt you so seriously that he is on bail and can't see the children, then it's clear. He has to be gone and stay gone. No excuses about drug use or sexuality - the man is a danger to you.

Exactly, I don't understand why OP is doubting about his sexual identity what she should do is not seeing him never again and protect her children.

Hes hurt you? Why are you still with him?

This is so sad to read as you've clearly spent a long time prioritising his wants and needs that you don't even mention yours. It's time to stop putting yourself last and think about the life you want rather than wanting reassurance or validation from him.

Who cares about his sexuality or excuses or this need to over share and drain attention from everyone? He has kids and responsibilities and he's letting everyone down. It doesn't even sound like he's apologised, just made "poor me" excuses.

There are plenty of people that wouldn't have tolerated the messing about with porn, to give context to how self indulgent he is. The hurting you, the drugs, the humiliation, the absenteeism from family life then having the cheek to blame family life.

Honestly, do you want him back? Not a version of him you think he was or could be,but the real version of him that's on offer. He doesn't deserve you, he doesn't deserve the headspace and upset he's caused you and the kids. Don't let him drag anyone else with him, wherever he's going.

You sound amazing and so lovely, you'll be fine without him.

He's slinging 'reasons' about, hoping one of them will stick. 'Our life is messy, AND I am bisexual, AND I don't get enough affection AND...AND...AND'

What he's not doing is taking responsibility. He's flinging accusations so that he doesn't have to face up to the fact that HE has done this. He's blown your marriage apart. It's HIS FAULT.

Everything else is a red herring. You need to divorce and let him face up to himself alone.

Right now he’s casting himself as the victim because he can’t admit his terrible behaviour and has to have a ‘reason’ for it for the outside world. While he’s in his victim mode you are very vulnerable because his particular brand of victim, needs a bad guy and you will be the front runner for the role.

You need to let him go, if you don’t you are just letting him have an open invitation to hurt you and your children, over and over again.

His bisexuality is a red herring.

That just about sums it up

OP, please listen to this for a moment.

You are spending an aweful lot of time and energy trying to understand what he's doing, why he's doing it, how this will progress, and what he's going to be doing next.

Your focus is entirely on him.

I need you to stop doing that.
It doesn't matter what he's doing or why and what he will be doing next.

He's a violent, abusive drug addict.
He's a danger to you and to your children.
Why is he like that? THAT DOESN'T MATTER. He just is.
Your energy should be used for one thing and one thing only.
Figuring out how you are going to protect yourself and your children from any further damage.

Protect yourself and your children OP. Work out how that is best achieved.

Who knows what his motivation is? But actually it doesn’t matter. It is time to let him work out his life and you can concentrate on you and the kids. He has really let you down. Time to get properly divorced and let him sort himself out. I don’t have the same experience- but I did have a partner and the father lf my children who was an alcoholic. I spent a lot of time trying to understand him- ultimately a waste of time!!

The drugs haven't changed his sexuality. I suspect the drugs might be related to the mental strain of concealing or coming to terms with his sexuality, but obviously only he knows that.

What about your marriage does he want to change and what is it about his life with you that he can't handle?

If he's told you he doesn't want to sleep with men while married to you (which you've said is the case) why is his bisexuality your focus here? If I were you, I would be focusing on the fact that he's been off his tits on ket and apparently deeply unhappy in the marriage.

To be honest, I would strongly suspect he is actually gay rather than bisexual and just hasn't fully come to terms with that yet, but as someone said above - his sexuality is actually a red herring. He's clearly not capable of sustaining a marriage without hurting you badly, and that's not fair on you. You would be wise to end this marriage even if he was straight.

Ketamine is massive in the gay chemsex scene OP - chemsex is linked to risky sexual behaviour and increased risk of STD's.

https://www.libertyhouseclinic.co.uk/blog/society/what-is-chemsex/

Leave him to it.
Your marriage is over.

Focus on your wants & needs & those of your children.

He's probably already sleeping with men, OP. You need to have an STI test.

He's always been bi, he's probably only telling people now because he's started sleeping with men - no matter what lies he's telling you. I expect the ketamine use is linked to him starting having gay sex, drug use is much higher amongst gay and bi men than it is amongst straight men.
You need to have an STD test OP and stay well away from this lying, cheating, violent druggie.