Husband not happy since we had a baby

[BGWG]

I have a 10 month old baby and I know my husband has been increasingly unhappy in our marriage since our baby was born. Tonight he said he was done and to leave him alone in case he says something he will regret so I’m just upstairs feeling sick and I’ve got no one to talk to.

I know the main issue is our lack of intimacy these days (maybe 1 every fortnight) but we’ve been in separate rooms as the baby / monitor disturbed him too much. I do try and summon up the energy but honestly im exhausted by the end of the day and my baby still isn’t sleeping through.

He’s been really pushy about wanting to go away without the baby which I just don’t want to do which again has caused friction. Apparently everyone leaves their baby from 6 months old for regular date nights and holidays ?!

He also says I’m angrier and more short tempered than I used to be which again probably is true but i just have less time to be patient these days - e.g i got annoyed the other day as we were going out after our baby’s (2 hour!!) nap and he decided to start a DIY project 5 mins before baby was due to wake up so I ended up having to hang around with the baby while he finished off.

Not really sure what the point of this is, but I’m just wondering if anyone has been in the same situation and if things have got better

Honestly - YOU matter. I’m sure others will articulate this better but having a baby means that your instincts are correctly oriented to you baby’s wellbeing. Then yours. It may be hard for him but the best of men understand this and get the hell on with family life….

you matter

Are you saying in the 10 months since you’ve had your baby you haven’t been anywhere without him , as a couple ?

He sounds like a twat.
Your baby's needs come first. It's a phase of life where your baby is so young. Why did he have a baby with you if he didn't realise this would happen.
Does he do his fair share? I think many men would benefit from knowing that if they did 50% of the night wakes, constant laundry, sorting clothes as baby grows etc etc then the mother might feel more inclined to do anything than just crash out at bedtime.

We’ve been to a few weddings without the baby but we haven’t done any dates or anything like that. I’m breast feeding still so that’s made leaving the baby tricky. Is that unusual ? It seems standard amongst by antenatal group but obviously that’s a very small handful of people.

That’s kind of how im feeling at the moment !!

He works very long hours so I do everything round the house & I’ve done all the nights too since he moved into the spare room when the baby was a few days old.

Oh dear. You have two children. I'd be clear that you only want one at the moment so he needs to grow up,or ship out.

Sadly for some couples a baby changes everything. Not to blame the woman but l've heard it described as like losing your wife to a greater love. Some men accept this others can't cope with not being numero uno

What a bellend.

When you have a baby, your whole focus has to become nurturing and maintaining that little life. I refuse to believe that any woman has the physical and emotional bandwidth to sustain a pre-baby level of intimacy and attention to their partner. , Unfortunately some men with pie crust egos can’t cope with being relegated from the centre of your universe and enter a prolonged strop. You’ve already said that he’s disturbed by the baby monitor - does he do night feeds? Does he help around the house? How’s his relationship with the baby?
You need to make it clear that either he stops being such a wet quilt and rolls his sleeves up to help you with some of the heavy lifting a baby brings or he fucks off.

I think it’s common after a baby, and maybe it’s still ongoing as you are breastfeeding and he hasn’t developed the full bond yet.
If it makes you feel any better not all mums choose to leave their babies. My eldest is 4 and the only time I have left him overnight is when I had my other 2 babies. Obviously I have left him at nursery etc during the day time. But I am
happy with this and I am actually not interested in leaving him. DH doesn’t push this.

Are you back to work yet? Is your baby in any childcare yet? In my experience things improved once this started and we had the odd bit of time together as a couple.

Does he have alone time with the baby? This will help.

but you are not alone. Relationships do change (and are tested) with children.

Adult man jealous of his own small baby. Ick.

It’s hugely common for husbands to be discombobulated by the arrival of a baby - twos company, threes a crowd. They’re used to having your total focus and suddenly your priority is elsewhere.

@BGWG aw hugs for you.

you aren’t wrong here. Even if we imagine your husband has valid points, he is choosing to raise them in an antagonistic manner.

he’s not working with you and is treating you as if you’re ‘against’ him and not ‘for’ your child.

he is not a family man. Whether you can work with him remains to be seen.

Your baby is your priority 💯 .

Nothing attractive about a selfish, self absorbed man child. And yet he seems to think you should want to spend time with him. What a bellend

It’s completely normal to go off sex when you’ve had a baby. Your hormones are all over the place, you’re exhausted, and your life has changed focus completely.

New fathers need to understand how hard it is for a new mother and not bloody pester and sulk. That desire comes back much quicker if you have kindness and understanding.

No, not unusual at all. It took me ages with my 1st to want to and feel able to go out for a date night without baby (15 months) and a little bit less with my 2nd (12 months). My cousin did when her first was 3 months old. We're all different, there are no right or wrong in this, and your instincts and needs should be validated. I'm sorry he's being a dick about this. His feelings matter but to go about it this way is rubbish and poor communication.

No, I don't think that's unusual at all. Mine is 8 months, and we haven't left her either, but neither of us want to leave her. I'm breastfeeding too.

Wow...and he has gone off YOU? Let me ask, how do YOU feel? Do you think this is fair?

Not unusual at all, in my experience. It’s tricky to leave a breastfed baby for long, plus you’re absolutely fucking knackered most of the time, so getting all glammed up for a date night is not necessarily the top priority (certainly wasn’t mine, anyway, nor my husband’s - he was also exhausted, mainly because he actually shared the labour of caring for the baby, which it doesn’t sound like your husband does). I don’t think you are the problem here.

I don’t have an answer but from my own experience having a baby really shook our marriage/relationship. It does sound like he isn’t on the same page as you with caring for the baby and for your needs as you care for it too. He doesn’t seem to realise how much life has changed. But if a date night is important to him, maybe you could find a couple of hours every week to chat over a cuppa and talk calmly about any concerns? He should wait until you’re ready for sex again really, that’s a given, he shouldn’t even want to pressure you - it might still hurt down there. That’s what concerns me the most really, his lack of respect for what you’ve been through. I hope you can find a way to make him understand.

Mine is 10 not 10 months and we haven't been on holiday without DC. I would not have wanted to do this when DC was younger and now it is more a case of not having a babysitter who could do a couple of nights. Think it is totally fine that you haven't gone away or even out much - actually found this stage easier though as ours would nap in a buggy while we ate (sometimes - probably some element of selective memory when I am only thinking of the time this worked!) so think he is going to find the toddler stage even worse. What about a few days off together once baby has started nursery? And definitely some time for just you - sounds like you haven't had a break in 10 months!

He’s a dick. He should be so grateful that you are taking care of his child. It’s exhausting, I didn’t go on any dates with my husband for probably 18 months, so don’t let anyone make you feel bad for this. It’s not unusual. I went to one wedding by myself that I absolutely had to, my boobs leaked at the dinner and I drove home.

I think sometimes it feels like everyone is going out and leaving their babies as there is social media posts etc. However in reality the people who are sat in every weekend aren't posting. Could try make an effort for date night at home? Nice diner Saturday night no phones?

Also could try in the first Instance leaving the baby with him and you going out with friends?

We have never gone on holiday without our children. Not something we plan to do until they are no longer interested in coming on holiday with us. Nothing wrong with parents who do. But (there's always a but...) I would never dream of leaving a breastfed baby for more than 4 -6 hrs. And wouldn't go on holiday leaving my kids with someone else even family. Its a personal choice and again I have nothing against anyone who does.

This is something you guys have to discuss what's acceptable to you.

He needs to grow up. After birth injuries and being touched out by dc1 we only had sex once in 15months. And guess what H survived. No hassles and no issues.

I wa squire clear when I had the children that i was there to look after the kids and his role was to look after me.

Thats not to say he didn’t do his share of child care or housework - but he put me first - wether that was getting you with the kids or making me a cup of tea - he made sure I was ok first.

This made daily events so much easier and as he looked after me he appreciated me looking after him -

Not in my circle. My DH, DB, BIL, cousin, friends - not one of them behaved like this when Dc were born.