Husband not happy since we had a baby

[BGWG]

I have a 10 month old baby and I know my husband has been increasingly unhappy in our marriage since our baby was born. Tonight he said he was done and to leave him alone in case he says something he will regret so I’m just upstairs feeling sick and I’ve got no one to talk to.

I know the main issue is our lack of intimacy these days (maybe 1 every fortnight) but we’ve been in separate rooms as the baby / monitor disturbed him too much. I do try and summon up the energy but honestly im exhausted by the end of the day and my baby still isn’t sleeping through.

He’s been really pushy about wanting to go away without the baby which I just don’t want to do which again has caused friction. Apparently everyone leaves their baby from 6 months old for regular date nights and holidays ?!

He also says I’m angrier and more short tempered than I used to be which again probably is true but i just have less time to be patient these days - e.g i got annoyed the other day as we were going out after our baby’s (2 hour!!) nap and he decided to start a DIY project 5 mins before baby was due to wake up so I ended up having to hang around with the baby while he finished off.

Not really sure what the point of this is, but I’m just wondering if anyone has been in the same situation and if things have got better

This particularly hard bit that really highlights how much things have changed from before is such a short time in both your lives, it boggles my brain that some men can't seem to see that and accept that things are different rn bevause you have a baby with visceral needs and are exhausted, but with patience and time many things can come back, like intimacy and date nights. I'm two years in with a toddler who still doesn't sleep the night, haven't slept by my husband in those two years as we take turns in the kiddos room or neither of us get much sleep, but it's not forever and we had years of dates, sleep (bliss!) and the rest before becoming parents.

Your husband is willing to throw it all away because he can't see that and be bloody patient?? And put his "needs" second??

Another man-baby who can't handle not being the centre of attention.

I don't think there's much to say.

I mean what did he think would happen when he had a baby?

That he would just put the baby in a drawer and do whatever he wanted when he had had enough?

Unfortunately you can't do that you've actually got to the the hard work while he has his little tantrum.

Hopefully he'll grow up but if he doesn't then it may affect the marriage.

I see this too often.

Well he can do his work and do all the night shifts and well see what his sex-drive is like then.

That’s not unusual!

So he couldn't cope with a few nights disturbed sleep and took himself to the spare room, but you're supposed to be the same person as pre-baby on months of not enough sleep?! What a wanker.

Also, me and DH went on our first date night last weekend, 10 months after our baby was born. I put baby to bed and the grandparents sat in our living room whilst me and DH went for a meal and then came back 2 hrs later! It was lovely, but I imagine that will be our only opportunity for a few months.

I can't imagine ever going on holiday with DH and no kids. (But when they're older would like to do an occasional weekend away with friends while DH holds the fort, and vice-versa)

Just as an update, I tried to speak to him before going to bed and he said fundamentally we are too different & want different things (ie he’s very ambitious and I’m not etc) So I guess that really is it then.

We had our first night out without DS when DS was about 10yrs old and I got a friend to babysit for us.

However, my husband isn’t a selfish arsehole so….!

Sorry OP but it sounds like ‘The Script’ and he’s starting to re-write your history. Don’t be surprised if you discover another woman waiting in the wings.

Time to start quietly investigating and don’t let him know you’re on to him.

You have managed to go to a few weddings so he is maybe seeing this as you are happy to prioritise other people but won't make time for him to go out on an evening or even in the day and leave your baby with whoever you left them with last time.

As you are breastfeeding it does make it harder to be away from them for longer periods. Does he ever have the baby just by himself without you there? Or are you doing it all, elbowing him out?

Remember that you married each other, thought that this was the best person in the whole world and babies do absolutely shake the foundation of even a great marriage. Maybe think about urgently arranging some babysitting to spend time with your husband. Reconnect, talk, do what you used to do before your baby came along.

The long hours are probably making things worse. Have you discussed this . Is there any way of reducing his hours even temporarily? After all if he is talking about going away that costs money!!! Which you are saving...by not going away

It's completely and utterly normal to not leave your baby at this age. It's also normal for babies to wake in the night.

But normally the babys father will share fetching and settling, taking baby downstairs first thing generally falling in love with baby too. Mine were obsessed by their dad at that age because he showed an interest in them and helped put them to bed when he came back at 7.30. I used to hand the baby/ies over the minute he walked in the door.

It was tough for him, perhaps to come back from work and be handed a fractious child But that's how you build a relationship with your children.

So I suppose that helps stop the jealousy...because they are involved too.

So even if you hand the baby over for twenty minutes and make him responsible, his negativity might be lightened.

I think there are other things you can try quite separate from date nights and going away, perhaps an evening routine where you put the baby to bed earlier or more takeaways or he cooks but above all involving him even if to start with you are gritting your teeth at his selfish rude self absorption. How can he understand? He won't. But he might respond to positive interaction

Just a way of connecting

I wonder how his bond is with the child - my experience is that my DH accepted (and still accepts with two aged 8 and 5) me as a mother because he adores his children and can see that anything i do that doesn't fit with what he wants is because I am being a good parent and putting their needs first. Maybe he hasn't bonded with the baby because of BF, work, not sleeping in the room, etc. He sounds really unsupportive and really unfair. Of course you're not ambitious you have a 10 month old!! Seems like he needs to have a word with a grown up who can give his head a wobble - his parents/siblings??

No that's not usual. It's perfectly fine to not want to leave your baby. Don't let anyone persuade you otherwise.

What he says re your differences is the start of a conversation not the end of a conversation ifyswim.

He isn't necessarily shutting down he is opening up.

What does he want from life when he says he is ambitious. Be curious don't just think that's it.

People say very hurtful things when they are depressed or lonely

Did he have some experience in his own childhood where his mother paid him very little attention and that's why he is angry with your love for the baby?

What is going on?

It's really much much too soon to write this marriage off.

That's awful. Presumably he wanted this baby, wanted a family?

Or did he want the sort of family that never bothers him at all and is just a nice fringe add-on to his fun, sexy life with his fun, sexy, not-at-all-tired girlfriend?

Yeah good luck with that mate. OP I hope you get the chance to tell him how naive and immature he's being.

Does he ever have time on his own with the baby? It sounds like he didn't bond properly with his child, and that's his fault. He is making this experience worse for you, you will be better off without him. If someone wants to leave a marriage when their baby is so small, they are doing it because they want to leave the baby as well, and that's not normal for a parent.

He couldn't put you or his own baby first. He has decided to check out. He has fucked up this wonderful experience for himself. Let him go. Ask him to leave. You will resent him in the end anyway, so there's no point dragging it out. Can you have a family member come and stay with you?

What is the point of his being ambitious - is it for him, for the family unit- who? You don't have to criticise him but just try and find out what he means. Does he think you value him for success or for what?

Sorry, that meant to say 'unusual'

Your DH needs to grow up.

This isn't you. You have a young baby. He can't seem to cope with you not meeting his needs/poor stress tolerance. I would encourage him to take a bit of time for himself/get takeaway for an evening. Ye have a young child now and he has to realise what that involves. You could try take an evening off once in awhile and spend it with your husband, not talking about the baby. See it that helps and see what he comes out with. If he is very moody ongoing and you are finding it hard to deal with, you might need outside support

Just to answer a few questions re his bond with the baby - I know he loves him but day to day aside from a few cuddles and a bit of playing, he’s not really that hands on. He very rarely does nappies, will occasionally sit with me while I do bath time but doesn’t actually get involved and also doesn’t do mealtimes either. I always try to encourage him but he’s always busy or says he’s happy to watch.

I’m really spiralling now as we’ve always said he would never threaten divorce unless we really meant it and he said it was over for good. My main panic is he’ll try and get 50:50 custody and get his mum to look after our baby as he’s got a work colleague going through divorce whose doing the same. Is there anything I should I be doing now to prove his lack of involvement to make sure that doesn’t happen?

I did know plenty of wives who were browbeaten into putting their husbands "first", leaving babies so they could accompany their husbands for trips/short breaks. And at the time this was thought a perfectly normal thing to do if you had the funds to organise childcare/nannies/babysitters. Pressure to wean babies onto formula for the same reason
Perhaps your husband has some visceral memory of acquaintances doing this or workmates.

It's astonishing how it was a cultural norm in my parents generation and beyond.

So I admire you for not being browbeaten. It's not that he doesn't approve of your approach, it's that YOU don't approve of his approach. You know in your heart that you don't leave a baby of that age and that a involved partner should treat you better than he is doing. And he realises this and it's shrivelling him up

Is his mother in a position to have the baby half the time?

I'm sorry things have escalated since your op.
Do you have family or friends irl to support you?

What triggered his sudden meltdown tonight? You say he has been grumpy and not himself for a while but what kicked it all off tonight in particular?

Only the two of you can decide whether these differences are worth staying together or splitting up over. The sex thing is normal - sex drive varies over the course of life and that is something you both need to be open about. If you want to stay together, making time for each other (not just as parents) is important. The DIY thing just sounds silly tbh. And as for the ambition, not sure what he means by that. If you are in a job that you like, earn enough from and are good at but don't want to be the senior manager, that's fine. If you don't want to work at all and expect him to - not so fine.

Either way, this isn't going to be fixed tonight. You both need to calm down and take some space. And then talk.

X post.
I don't think you should assume he wants to divorce. I think you should keep talking. What did you love about him? Rather than thinking he is your enemy and going to try and destroy you, keep the communication open. It's sounds to me as if the whole thing is a cry for help and he wants some sort of reassurance infuriating as it is to think this is a good way to get it.

But it's late. Things may look better in the morning. They often do.

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