Husband not happy since we had a baby

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I have a 10 month old baby and I know my husband has been increasingly unhappy in our marriage since our baby was born. Tonight he said he was done and to leave him alone in case he says something he will regret so I’m just upstairs feeling sick and I’ve got no one to talk to.

I know the main issue is our lack of intimacy these days (maybe 1 every fortnight) but we’ve been in separate rooms as the baby / monitor disturbed him too much. I do try and summon up the energy but honestly im exhausted by the end of the day and my baby still isn’t sleeping through.

He’s been really pushy about wanting to go away without the baby which I just don’t want to do which again has caused friction. Apparently everyone leaves their baby from 6 months old for regular date nights and holidays ?!

He also says I’m angrier and more short tempered than I used to be which again probably is true but i just have less time to be patient these days - e.g i got annoyed the other day as we were going out after our baby’s (2 hour!!) nap and he decided to start a DIY project 5 mins before baby was due to wake up so I ended up having to hang around with the baby while he finished off.

Not really sure what the point of this is, but I’m just wondering if anyone has been in the same situation and if things have got better

What’s the problem with that?

I agree. It sounds like he's overwhelmed and needs a break or reassurance. Not your problem to solve really but maybe organising some time together for a chat might shed some light on what's going on with him. And yes, I second that. Grab a pen and paper, do a brain dump and look at it again after a good night's sleep!

OP I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Must be really scary and heartbreaking at the same time. You are doing nothing wrong putting your energy into caring for your DS. That’s being a good Mum. Being a good husband however is not doing what yours is. Where’s the understanding and support? Something not adding up. Has he got someone else?
You can and will get through it. Was a single parent for first 4-5 years of my DDs life, not at all easy but nothing beats not having an emotional rollercoaster or the hell he’s currently putting you through. How can you be ambitious when you have a wee person who needs you!?
Leave him be. Unfortunately the more you chase the more he’s likely to pull away. The things he said tonight sound nuclear.

I don’t know, maybe call his bluff and plough on with divorce? This doesn’t sound worth saving, and no judge is going to give 50/50 where a toddler is concerned surely?

I could be wrong.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

You won’t need to worry about 50/50 until he gets older. You will be better off without him. He sounds useless.

Easy for me to say though.

Theres a very good chance he will calm down and change his mind.

Either you grow into parenting or you don't. If you don't grow into parenting, eventually the other parent will get sick of you and tell you to sling your hook. It might take months, it might take years. Sometimes the trash takes itself out.

OP, my advice if you want to save your marriage (but also if you don't) is to play hardball. Take control. Tell him that you no longer want to be in a relationship with him as he's an arrogant arse who can't cope with the responsibilities he already has in life, and that you'd like him to move out to give you space while you think about what you want to do next.

I think he wants you to play the pick me game. He wants you to have regular sex with him in order to keep him. He doesnt want to do anything to improve your relationship. If he was an actual parent and partner you might feel less exhausted and more up for it. He thinks you are sitting at home eating biscuits and chilling all day while he's grafting. He has no understanding or respect for your contribution to family life.

Let him creak on with the divorce. You are already a single parent. Continue breastfeeding. Don't agree to any custody agreement. He won't get 50:50 if you go to court. The custody agreement has to be in the best interest of the child. He would need to demonstrate how he's going to facilitate it. Offloading the child to his mum isnt in the child's best interests. Take some legal advice now. Knowledge is power.

Sounds like you'd be better off without this selfish entitled man child.

As you're breastfeeding, it would be unusual for the father to be given overnight access until baby is 2 years old. The judge should always put baby's best interests first.

Please seek legal advice regarding being the primary carer, I know it's getting more common for 50/50 custody now, even though this isn't necessarily in the best interests of the children.

As for fortnightly sex - he should count himself lucky, many women (myself included, haven't resumed post-baby sex even 10 months after baby). As for time away without baby, whilst many parents are happy to leave their babies and go out without them, many are not, we certainly didn't. So you're not wrong to not feel ready. He's just a typical immature man who thinks as his mate told him something, that that is the norm and true for everyone - load of shite.

Honestly, I wouldn't have the patience to put up with a selfish git like this. You sound too nice to put up with a miserable marriage.

Would his mother even want to look after your child 50% of the time - does she not work?

What are your plans regarding returning to work?

I very much doubt that any court would grant 50% custody of such a young child to a man who works all hours.

Check out Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitor websites.

Gather ALL financial documentation and see a competent family solicitor.

If it turns out that the marriage has irretrievably broken down, file first so you’ll be in the driving seat.

I wonder if he is copying his friend, thinking how fun it’ll be if they’re both single and have no responsibilities

Is that unusual? 🤷🏼

It's pretty normal, don't let him gaslight you into thinking that it isn't. The first year is survival.

He’s jealous. He wants to be the baby. Get him tf out your home and see how he
copes by himself. Honestly men like this give me the total ick. U need to tell him to man the fk up,
grow a pair and start helping you and his baby out. But truly. So what if he works long hours. So do plenty of folk who still care for their families, help round the house and look after their wife and children, giving their wife a break from HER long hours. He would be out the door, then at least it’s only u and babe u need to think about, not this pathetic excuse of a man. And stop hiding up the stairs. Let him go. Don’t ever hide away from any man. Don’t give him that power over you. He’s a nasty pos. Jealous of his kid, he’s a disgrace.

I could not have put it better myself
clearly hasn’t taken fatherhood seriously neither any consideration for you.

I was absolutely not leaving my kids at 10 months old for date nights etc - to start with we had no family near to support - we used to get a takeaway and have time in our family home as a family

having a baby does change things and he needs to get with the programme or get out! Plus breastfeeding is exhausting and affects libido too.

Whose idea was it to have a baby? Did you push him into it?

You are already parenting alone. You will be better off without him, getting child support. He won't want nor will get 50/50. Men threaten this so they don't have to pay for their children.
He is doing you a favour by ending it. Your life with your child will be much better without this albatross of a man-child round your neck.

Men always do this. OH YAY LET'S HAVE BABIES

And when it gets real, they turn into manchildren, and sulk.

I agree.

Because your baby is so young and you're breastfeeding, 50/50 is highly unlikely I think.

A man who can't be bothered to do his share of nappy changes isn't going to be pushing for 50:50 custody.

What's happened here is that your dh has let you be the parent and he's watching from the sidelines. He has no bond with the baby and now feels left out of everything. But rather than step up and parent, and support you to create a happier home and cohesive couple, he's decided to blame you.

You sound like a good mum. Tell him if he wants you to be more amorous with him that shit starts with him being kind & supportive to you & the baby. I remember how exhausting those days are. You really need a strong & kind partner by your side. He’s being a dick & needs to grow up. Can you speak to his mum or Dad? Look after yourself - do NOT be his maid! X

He’s so out of order! I’m gutted for you.

Sorry you’re going through this op, his behaviour is awful.

Tbh its sounds like you’re pretty much operating as a single mum anyway.

In case he is going to keep threatening this stuff, I would make this week’s priority getting some legal advice about where you’d stand if he were to leave you.

You’re BF so he won’t get the baby 50-50 anyway right now. I’d tell him to take me to court if he wanted 50-50 just to get his mum to look after the DC. Not a chance. He is jealous of his own child.