DH isn't going to accept DS

[anonymouszz]

My DS is gay and he only told me this recently as he is "seeing someone" he has met through college but told me not to tell anyone till he is ready which I haven't although DH has asked me if our DS is gay? I just said I didn't know but I feel like I'm lying but I feel I promised DS so I have to keep quiet even to his dad.

My DH has stated that if our DS is gay then he wouldn't be able to accept this and would essentially be a break down of their relationship. This puts me in a really difficult position, I obviously love my DS no matter what but my DH can be quite controlling I guess and I just don't know where this would leave me because I would have to leave him as DS comes first.

It makes me cringe at some of the bigoted views DH has developed over the years.

We own our own home jointly (no mortgage) but our other finances are separate.

One of my sons is gay and happily in a relationship. My other son I have no idea of his sexuality. I don't understand why people "come out" when straight people aren't made to declare their sexuality.

They are my sons whatever the sexuality I birthed them as. I'd be much more worried if they were uncaring or unkind.

Let your H know what's at stake here then his out of date reaction choice is fully informed.

You're married to a controlling homophobe who has such extreme beliefs he'd reject his own child. Do you really want to stay?

Pick your son. It's as simple as that.

I hope he hasn't picked up on what his dad thinks.

I have told DH and he said what he says stands and I'll have to put up with it.

I think coming out is maybe because it's not considered the norm to some people so I guess letting their nearest and dearest know their true identity instead of the expection of having a girlfriend..I'm just guessing idk

I feel trapped I guess

Hard though it is, I think you need to gently push back at your husband. Unless you want to leave him anyway?

I say gently, because heavy handedness isn’t going to persuade a stubborn man. Push back because your DS should have a dad who accepts him.

When he says something, you need to ask if he’d really prefer to have no son at all, than a gay son? Ask whether he wants to be old and lonely because he won’t accept a gay relationship.

And around the edges go with, ‘If that’s what you think, we have to wait and see. He’ll tell us when he’s ready.’.

I would only bother to argue for your DS’s sake. I’d rather do without the bloke, myself.

I pick my son 100%

It feels like there is nothing you can do and you've already thought through what you will do so really you just need to put it out of your mind.

DS must know his dad's likely reaction so may keep his private life private whilst he's living at home.

I would leave my husband if he said that, I wouldn't hang around to wait and see him behave that way to my child.
Perhaps you can see a solicitor and see where'd you stand op?

You don’t have to put up with anything.

My DH has stated that if our DS is gay then he wouldn't be able to accept this and would essentially be a break down of their relationship

I’m sorry but how on earth could you let this comment pass?
My only two answers would be “Don’t you think you’d be an absolute fool to do that. Is your homophobia really more profound than your love for your child? That says so much more about you than it ever would about him, and none of it good.”

or

“What makes you think you’d be the one breaking off ties with [son], and that he wouldn’t be telling you and your disgusting homophobia to get in the bin first.?”

It’s really not a difficult situation. It’s easy. The sander is divorce. Why would you want to stay married?

It’s quite sad that a father could dismiss a son due to his choice as partner.

I think your son is doing you a favour. I would look forward to live freely and happily to be honest.

It sounds like you already know what you need to do...and maybe should've done a while ago. He's controlling, bigoted, has different views and morals to you and is willing to lose his son because he's gay. It sounds like you may well be better off without him. If you're happy with him, you should talk to your son and tell him the predicament you're in...it's not fair of your son to put you in that situation, either. Do you think maybe after a while he will accept it? I wish you all the best x

Do you know why he thinks this? Is it a religious thing? Not that that makes it any better, but it might be programmed into him and maybe the reality of losing his son, because he will, might make him at least change slowly.

At the moment your son has one loving parent, you, so it's not all bad, but you can't leave him with none and you've said you pick him, so that's good.

Financial reasons, I'd have to buy him out and I don't know if I could afford too

I'm going to consult a solicitor after the bank holiday

It's not clear on the reasoning he never really specified, it's not religious based though, he isn't religious

This really.

I don’t understand your husband. He can not agree with being gay and not like it, that’s his choice. But it doesn’t mean he has to end the relationship with your son. He could still be civil!

It doesn't so much matter why he's like this. More that he is and expects everyone else to work around it. You should start planning now for life without him, it sounds like it'll be better anyway. Do you own the house jointly? Force a sale and you can each find a new place.

I'd be gone. Complete deal breaker for me

I think he needs to say why, I'm not one to say counselling often, but he needs to know, and you do too, why this is such problem for him. It's a dealbreaker otherwise, and may still be, but with no information, you are in the dark and can't really talk to him. Your son is lucky he has you though.

Hope you’ll get a good advice OP.
It doesn’t look like your DH might change and down the line it might likely to get worse and more difficult to cope with.

Get your ducks in a row and leave